Life update (08/30/2023)

Yesterday I heard through the grapevine that someone at work had taken a medical leave. Knowing the guy, it’s probably his back, which would mean a contract of two weeks or so for the (un)fortunate person who would get hired to cover him. It just happens that at the moment I’m first on the rankings, so I anxiously waited all morning for the phone call. It never came. That’s weird.

I haven’t been called today either. I considered two possibilities: they pushed some political bullshit so that the person who would cover him would need to know Basque, a language I don’t speak. The second possibility involves my main boss doing some shady shit to jump over me and hire someone else; during the last contract, that boss refused to acknowledge my existence, as far as I know only because I refused to accept a new contract under much shadier circumstances last January, as I needed to rest due to my heart injury.

I wasn’t worrying too much; after all, I have money saved, and I’m a recluse who can barely tolerate spending fifteen minutes around people, let alone a whole working day. Then I noticed that I had received my check for August. I worked until the sixteenth, but they have paid me as if I had worked the entire month. What the hell?

I visited the intranet to check if they had screwed up which days I had actually worked. It does reflect that I haven’t worked all month, but in addition, to my annoyance, I’m registered as if I hadn’t worked on the 16th. You see, I was covering the leave of a complete dickhead who never calls in advance to inform that he’s returning; whoever is working in his place finds out that very day, at the office, that he has gone to work for nothing, because nobody will pay him for those eight or so hours as the contract officially ended the previous day. I still worked that entire day, because my boss, who also can’t stand the other coworker, assured me that he would talk to the proper department so that they end up paying me for that working day. I also finished a meaty ticket that had kept me busy for days, so it worked out for my boss. However, as mentioned, I don’t appear in the intranet as if I had been present at the office that day.

What’s going to happen is probably the following: the next time I get hired to cover someone’s leave or vacation, I’ll find out that I haven’t been paid for about two weeks of work. If I cared to contact the corresponding department, they’d tell me, “we screwed up, so you owed us money.” It already happened to me once. In addition, I would find out that they counted the sixteenth as not worked, which would solidify my decision, no matter what any of my bosses say, to get my things and leave the next time the coworker whose leave I’m covering suddenly returns for his shift.

Do I care much about this matter? Not really, because instead of wasting my day, as well as my mental and physical health, at work, I got to sit at my desk and finish the latest chapter of my ongoing novel (I write them with one hand; that’s why they take so long). Too bad I will never earn a living wage through writing.

If you live in the Basque country and are considering working for the public health organization, well, you’ll probably end up working there anyway. But just know that they will screw you over, and the whole experience will likely suck balls. Plenty of doctors and nurses have complained around me. On the bright side, I also heard through the grapevine that one of the coworkers I can’t stand is taking a transfer to Vitoria, so that’ll be one less headache.

Anyway, now to more important matters than whether or not I have a job: what about that Starfield, huh? Early Access launches in one day and six hours. Can’t wait to find out if the makers of Skyrim and Fallout 4 have been wasting their time and energies by planning this new universe during the last twenty-five years. As long as I can visit some random planet of the thousand or so available and just enjoy a peaceful, solitary time by wandering through a barren alien wasteland, I’ll consider the money well spent. The faction questlines are likely great as well.

Check out the launch trailer:

Ad astra!

We’re Fucked, Pt. 110 (Fiction)


A flicker, like a glitch in a high-res display, crosses the Asian features of my beloved Jacqueline. In a heartbeat, I find myself staring into slate-blue irises encircled by bold rings of black, round eyes that stand out in a heart-shaped face whose skin, pale and luminous as a pearl, is dotted with freckles across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. The plumpness of her lower lip stirs a desire to draw close and savor its sweetness. In the glow of the candlelight, her wavy, copper mane comes alive with streaks of tiger-orange, as if the strands were catching fire.

Her mouth stretches into an impish grin. She shifts her body, making her copper waves ripple, to strike a pose: legs slightly apart, fists on her hips. Her bare chest, pushed out, is scattered with freckles like a constellation of brown stars.

“Alive and kicking, as you can tell,” she says in a high-pitched voice and an effervescent lilt.

A vision from the Celtic folklore, a sunburst in the honey-drenched darkness. The way the colors fade from pink to orange to red, she reminds me of a summer sunrise.

“Irish Jacqueline,” I mumble.

Jacqueline-but-Irish sweeps the tumbling tresses away from her freckled shoulders, so she can cup the slight slopes of her breasts, squeezing them gently with her slender fingers, pressing and molding her flesh into rounder mounds. She rubs the areolae with her thumbs, then coaxes her nipples into thickening peaks.

“In my mind, I refer to this body differently, but… Ah, it always makes me feel so naughty.”

As Jacqueline caresses her midriff, her other hand twists and curls a copper lock that resembles a wave of living flame. The candlelight flickers in her eyes, which are blue like glacier ice, their depths shimmering with lust.

A nervous energy ripples through me, triggering tingles throughout my body. I’m getting hungrier.

“Of the many forms I have conjured up,” Jacqueline says, “this is my second favorite. Aren’t most people suckers for redheads? Imagine this colleen, with an appetite for mischief and debauchery, approaching you on the street.”

“O-on a dockside pub or a foggy moor. Stargazing and witchcraft in the moonlight.”

Her eyelids dip halfway.

“Wherever, her black Mary Janes click as she saunters over. She’s wearing a white blouse that shows off her freckled cleavage, a short plaid skirt that hugs her hips, and knee-high socks with frilly edges. Her red hair is tied in two braids that fall over her shoulders. Your senses are overwhelmed by her sweet and woodsy aroma. What wouldn’t this little vixen, this wood nymph from the deepest forests of Éire if you prefer, do to warm your dead, shriveled heart? You might struggle against her allure, but in the end, no fruit tastes sweeter than the forbidden.”

This pagan beauty must have stirred in many people the yearning to bury their faces in her fiery hair, to trace her freckles with their lips, to get drunk on her taste, to quench the firestorm within them by piercing her maidenhead and filling her with creamy seed. Oh, she could burn the world’s eyes out, and lure any hapless soul to drown.

From the base of my spine to my skull, a shockwave-like chill courses through my body, raising goosebumps on my arms and nape. In the aftermath, my skin still crawls with tiny sparks. I lick my lips and swallow past the lump in my throat. My hand has drifted to my inner thigh, seeking the warmth radiating from my core, the moisture gathering between my folds. I’m resisting the urge to rub myself, maybe in part to avoid tainting my fingers with my own filth.

“C-crack a pint and sing a few shanties before you bang the flesh off my bones.”

Jacqueline’s smile deepens, and her eyes, two sapphires set in her freckled face, sparkle as she ogles my exposed crotch. I look down. A rivulet of clear fluid is trickling out of my vulva and dripping onto the cloud-white bedding, staining it with a widening lust-blotch as if the comforter were a canvas and I the artist spilling paint. I smell the scent wafting up from my pussy, a primal musk, along with a metallic tang reminiscent of blood.

“You’d like me to assist you with that,” Jacqueline surmises, “wouldn’t you, darling?”

Jacqueline-but-Irish strides toward me with catlike grace. Her copper waves bounce as she leaps onto my lap, straddling me, gripping my hips with her thighs. She slings her arms around my neck and tugs me into an embrace, squeezing her hardened nubs against my tit-flesh. I feel her warm skin and the way her heart races. A surge of desire crashes against the shore of my libido like a wave, one that seethes with foam and carries the briny aroma of the ocean.

The world shrinks as if a wall of brambles and ferns had sprouted around us. Her hair caresses my cheek and tickles my throat. Her lips brush the lobe of my ear as she whispers words of fire.

“I can hear your thirsty heart, babe. Let it pump those hot and heady juices.”

Jacqueline, thrusting her hips, grinds her slippery mound against mine, her swollen bud against mine. A jolt of electricity arcs through my nervous system, igniting my synapses, causing me to gasp and shudder in her arms. She purrs. Her mouth closes around my earlobe, which she nibbles. My clit throbs with a heartbeat-like rhythm while I bask in the smooth, oily friction of our pussies rubbing together, along with the wet noises and juicy squelches. I grasp Jacqueline’s buttocks and squeeze them, digging my fingertips into the tender flesh. As my arousal rises like a hot-air balloon, the syrupy heat that has replaced the blood in my veins threatens to immolate me.

Her visage, sprinkled with cinnamon-like freckles, fills my field of vision, framed by wavy copper tresses. She’s staring at me with the blushing countenance of a Renaissance painting, her half-lidded gaze like the blue flames of a gas-powered stove. Her glossy, Irish lips pucker as she leans closer, wanting us to merge into a kiss. I’d only have to breathe out an invitation for her mouth to meet mine, our tongues to entwine, our saliva to mingle. She will taste like honey and wine.

I’m breathing air thick with the aroma of melting wax mixed with that of rose, jasmine, and sandalwood. Within the jitterbug of hormones and this lust-laden gloom, my brain has liquefied, and I feel like a puddle of sparks. Yet, I turn my head away.

Her moist lips press against my left cheek, and when she draws back, her warm breath tickles my skin.

“Oh? You don’t want to smooch?”

“That’s cheating. I’m a one-woman-at-a-time gal.”

As she giggles, her stiff tit-tips graze mine, which sends a heatwave through me.

“But grinding our pussies together is fine?”

“S-somehow that’s different.”

Jacqueline-but-Irish cradles my head between her palms as if it were a sacred relic.

Ma coquine bien-aimée, you think this was a test? You’d be making out with mommy no matter what body I’m wearing.”

“Sorry, Jacqueline. I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the display of shapeshifting. I’m blown away but also scared and horny.”

Je te pardonne, bébé. Let me assure you that you don’t need to be afraid.”

Her arms unwind from the embrace around my neck. She places the palms on my shoulders and, as her copper locks sway like a waterfall of flame, she shifts her weight off me, dismounting from my lap onto the plush comfort of the bedside rug. The sudden absence of her heat leaves me desolate.

Under a strip of fiery copper fuzz, almost scarlet, Jacqueline’s vulva glistens pinkly in the candlelight, slathered with a glaze. Her nectar has trickled down the crease and slickened her inner thighs.

Jacqueline-but-Irish inches her right hand down her stomach, past the navel, and runs those fingers through the patch of copper curls. She strokes herself, sliding her middle finger along the wet groove and over the engorged berry. After she widens her stance, she teases the soaked petals apart, and her ruby-hued insides blossom. She dips a finger into the velveteen depths. When she pulls it out, her digit emerges with a glimmering thread.

“Isn’t it exquisite?” she asks breathily. “The rosy sheen of this soaking honeypot, the juicy scent, the sluttish mess of it all. Don’t you want to find out what a teen’s pussy tastes like?”

My pulse is hammering. My brain still burns with the friction-fed flames of lust. I won’t deny it to myself: I want to fall to my knees before Jacqueline-but-ginger. I want to bury my face in her damp snatch and feast on the clitoris of Ireland. I want to slurp up the salty tang of this druidess’ nectar, to suck out the sweetness of her womb like through a straw plugged into the fountain of youth, until she forgets her Celtic chants and the screams of banshees.

Liquid beads that cling to Jacqueline’s fingers reflect the candlelight in a rainbow shimmer. The air is saturated with a musky-sweet aroma like the fragrance of a ripe peach that has split open in the heat, dripping juice onto the sun-baked grass. I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, gazing down at the roiling sea that crashes and foams against jagged rocks. The sparkling spray shoots upward and outward in fan-shaped mists. My palms sweat, the wind whips my hair about my face. I’m afraid of landing on the sharp teeth of the reefs far below, where the waters would boil with a froth of blood.

“Another time,” I whisper. “Right now I need you as you are.”



Author’s note: today’s songs are “Look” by Sébastien Tellier, and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.

I keep a playlist with all the songs mentioned throughout the novel so far. A hundred and seventy-six videos so far. Check them out.

Taste this chapter in an audio format through this link.

Life update (08/23/2023)

How are you all doing? Here’s an update in the life of currently unemployed old me. My last contract ended on the sixteenth of this month, and ever since (and for a couple of weeks around that time as well), I’ve been busy:

Good times. By the way, I mentioned that some bug had gotten behind my LCD screen, then shat and died there. I had been tolerating its presence for a few weeks now, but today I discovered that two more bugs had crawled their way in. I have OCD, so this sent me into overdrive. I looked up videos on how to disassemble my monitor, then I set to work immediately. Well, that was a fucking terrible idea.

Thankfully I’m rich, so I just ordered a new one. It’s supposed to arrive tomorrow. I’m currently writing this entry through the mostly defunct monitor. Apparently when you ruin a corner of a LCD screen, most of the remaining screen shows horizontal lines that resemble some monitor from the seventies or something.

I’m a bit pissed with myself. Even though I haven’t felt like writing in a while, this morning I was supposed to push myself to start the next scene of my novel. Unfortunately, right as I was reading through my notes, I noticed the bugs.

I think I’ll take a nice, long walk this afternoon to cool down. I’ll also have to figure out where people are supposed to throw away big pieces of hardware like computer monitors.

See ya.

We’re Fucked, Pt. 109: AI-generated audiochapter

A tale for the ages. This audiochapter covers chapter 109 of my ongoing novel We’re Fucked.

Cast

  • Leire: blonde job-giving thief down in the sewers of Riften
  • Asian Jacqueline: I couldn’t find a proper voice from videogames, so I snatched this one from the Eleven Labs library

I produced audiochapters for the entire previous sequence, and I intend to continue until the novel ends or the Netherese orb lodged in my chest explodes, obliterating a city-sized area around me. A total of three hours, eleven minutes and forty-two seconds. Check them out.

We’re Fucked, Pt. 109 (Fiction)


Jacqueline’s Asian mouth, a blush of cherry blossoms in spring, twists into a teasing smile. With her chin raised slightly, she sticks the tip of her ruddy tongue out then slides its moist surface over her upper lip, coating it in a saliva-film that glistens in the honey-golden candlelight.

“Well, does my sweet chérie find this version of mommy exotic and enticing? Have you ever wanted to indulge in the pleasures of the Orient?”

My mind floods with steam-engulfed images of Oriental delights. I’m admiring the neon-lit cityscape that glitters through the windows of a Tokyo penthouse. I’m living it up at a karaoke room, belting out Japanese punk anthems. I’m riding a bullet train, watching the countryside flash past: verdant rice paddies and mist-wreathed mountains. I’m wandering the bustling back alleys of Shanghai, gaping at kaleidoscopic lights and technicolor billboards, passing by women whose faces are powdered white, their lips lacquered blood-red, their bodies swaddled in ornate brocade. I’m gorging on rivers of noodle soup, mountains of stir-fried veggies, steaming hotpots of seafood, and pyramids of deep-fried dumplings stuffed with pork and ginger. I’m lounging in a geisha house, smoking opium, lying with a silk-wrapped, perfume-drenched, slender hostess who can ease the weight of a thousand centuries by fulfilling my darkest, filthiest desires. I’m witnessing the display of a master karateka, her lean and muscular limbs flashing as she lays waste to an entire class of her rivals in a tournament, breaking backs, snapping necks, and ripping off faces with clawed fingers. I’m meditating in a zen garden, bowing before the Buddha, then fucking a monk until his cock spits holy seed into my womb. Maybe the siren song of the Far East does beckon me.

I’m foggy from the heavy fragrances that cling to my brain, from the Asian figure that emerged effortlessly and stands in my mind-murk like an orchid thriving in the humidity of a deep jungle. Jacqueline-but-Asian runs a hand down her form, trailing those sensuous fingers from her collarbones to her belly button, inviting me to stare starstruck at the Oriental splendor. Her inky locks, sleek as polished ebony and gleaming with a blue sheen, spill over her rounded shoulders, flowing down to her curving hips. Where mommy was hipped with a wide pelvis that matched the proportions of her mammoth bosoms, this lady in her prime has the svelte torso and lissome limbs of a ballerina, no stranger to gliding on tippy toes, to spinning and leaping in graceful pirouettes across the hardwood boards of a stage, her spine arched, her arms outstretched, her swanlike neck exposed, all to thunderous applause.

The candles, as they dance their golden light across the bedroom, burning on and on like they’ll outlast this fucked-up reality and whatever lies beyond, give a pearly radiance to Jacqueline’s skin, highlighting in honey her lithe features: below a neck like alabaster, those jutting collarbones; twin firm orbs capped with caramel-pink nipples; the valley carved into the abdomen between the promontory of her ribcage and the arch of her hip, that in the old days could have shielded her womb from marauders seeking a spawn of godhood. I wish to reach out and stroke her delicate skin; I could run my fingertips through it like water.

Jacqueline plants her splayed fingers low on her abdomen, drawing attention to the patch of onyx fuzz, an ancient garden that guards her hidden petals as it glistens in the honey-tinted gloom.

“You’re holding out on me, baby doll,” Jacqueline purrs playfully. “Afraid I won’t like your opinion? Come on now, love, surely you have something to share about this form.”

I swallow the excess saliva, then face her exotic visage.

“You’ve gone and given yourself Oriental features, the fuck-off-you-Western-scum kind, but you look ravishing. I want to drown in soy sauce. Your current tits are smaller than mine, though…”

She grins. In her eyes, fringed with jet-black lashes, the pupils are dilated, and the coal-gray irises shimmer like two starlit pools of silver.

“Oh, darling. You miss mommy’s huge, juicy milkers?”

My head nods without consulting me.

“Always, as long as I don’t have access to them.”

Jacqueline chuckles, which causes her creamy tummy to ripple like a sheet of water.

“I crafted this form to fill the niche of yoga that could be monetized. It’s like the ultimate yoga master. My main body? If I tried with it half of the moves I can pull now, I’d end up in a cast. In fact, let me give you a little demo.”

As she lowers her snowy behind onto the fluffy rug, her hair sways in a long cascade with each motion of the frame, and coils on the fabric like a sleeping serpent. She positions herself lengthwise, showcasing her profile as well as her lean dancer’s legs. Those pale thighs resemble canvases on which to fingerpaint. When I seek her gaze, I meet the seductive glance she’s casting over her shoulder. A warm chill courses down my spine. Knowing me snared, she smirks, then reclines until her head sinks into the rug.

She grasps her right ankle and draws that leg further and further back. With both arms, she embraces its calf as if hugging a lover. She plants her left hand on the sole of that foot, then pushes the leg down until its knee rests on the rug alongside her torso, making her inky locks billow over that calf, bending the limb in a submission hold that would make most of humanity cry out in pain.

“It helps that my usual tits aren’t in the way,” Jacqueline says.

She twists to reach her left leg, then folds it until her toes come close to grazing her vulva. Although she’s torturing herself further, her face remains calm, a picture of peace. Jacqueline must have learned from the fox spirits how to harness the erotic charge of her Asian limbs.

A familiar tingle stirs inside me. I lean back to place my palms flat against the surface of the bed, bracing my weight, my right hand centimeters from the discarded thong. The shock has melted into a trance-like state. My mind is a page scrawled on with the vision of an Oriental goddess, the embodiment of Japanesque perfection, stretching her limbs in the flickering candlelight.

With her face buried in the rug, and her ebony mane pooled around her head and chest, Jacqueline assumes the downward-facing dog posture, thrusting out the white swell of her ass, making her buttocks wobble gently. I’d bite into those cheeks until they oozed pink.

Beginning in a supine position, she lifts her pelvis off the floor, arching her flexible spine like a bow. As her body curves upward, her abdomen stretches taut, and her ass tightens into two plump mounds. After she finds balance on her shoulders and the crown of her head, she appears suspended in mid-air.

In her upside-down face, from beneath her dark lashes, her eyes dart to the corners so they can meet my gaze. The pinkish-orange glow traces the flat bridge of her nose, and plays upon the contour of her lips.

“See?” Jacqueline asks. “I can do all sorts of crazy poses now.”

“That’s cool.”

A glossy mass of darkness, a waterfall of night that contrasts with her ghostly skin, falls down her back in a shining curtain. As it shifts, the inky tresses sway gracefully, nuzzling the curves of her feminine figure.

Jacqueline has levered herself upright.

“Love, do you recall that external hard drive I lent you, filled with naughty videos I wanted you to watch? Now, which of my girls was your favorite?”

My heart, set aflutter by Asian magic, skips a beat. I’m assailed once again by the image that has haunted my daydreams ever since I peeked into the abyss: wavy locks of copper hair floating in a pool of bubbling cum.



Author’s note: today’s song is “Heartbeats” by José González.

I keep a playlist with all the songs I’ve mentioned throughout this novel. A total of a hundred and seventy-four videos so far. Check them out.

Leire peeked into the abyss back in chapter 45.

I produced an audiochapter for this part. Check it out.

Life update (08/16/2023)

After I spent the last hours of yesterday afternoon playing Baldur’s Gate 3 (a 97 on Metacritic, well deserved), and this morning on the train rereading Asano’s Nijigahara Holograph (one of his earliest, lesser works), I entered the office only to be greeted by the secretary and a coworker giving me a weird look. I greeted them, I walked to my workstation, then I heard them speaking in hushed tones, which, as far as I’m concerned, is extremely disrespectful in an office. I felt someone looking at me, so I glanced over my shoulder only to realize that the secretary was staring at me. What the fuck is wrong with people so early in the morning?

What was wrong is that the prick whose medical leave I’m covering has returned to work, and is currently sitting at his workstation. I have covered his suspicious leaves plenty of times (they sometimes take months, for no apparent reason), and whenever he returns, he never informs anybody of it, which is the least you can expect from a worker who knows that someone’s contract will end the moment he comes back.

I started laughing, then walked to my boss’ office. He had noticed that the prick was back. My boss seemed more pissed than me. “If we had known that he was going to return, we would have hired you to cover the vacation of X coworker, and instead we’ve gotten someone who has never worked in the field before. It’s not right.” Nothing we can do; it’s legal to refuse to inform in advance that you’re returning to work, and I’m not sure that the guy is aware enough to realize that others will get pissed at him because he’s screwing them over.

You see, this idiot is one of the craziest motherfuckers I have ever met, that are still somewhat able to hold a job. Whenever he has nothing to do, sometimes for hours, he browses Explorer windows idly, looking at the same files over and over (I know it because often I have sat down at a workstation from which I could see his computer screen). Other coworkers have told me that they think he speaks to himself on the phone, maybe to pretend that he’s working; most of the time he does talk very low into the receiver, and the snippets of conversation didn’t seem like the kind produced in the process of trying to solve a ticket. To be fair, though, we also had a coworker who would take calls and waste about fifteen to twenty minutes talking to users about her personal problems, to the annoyance of my boss and everyone around her (at least me).

Regarding the prick, he’s also done more troubling shit like following coworkers around in the hallways, standing very close while staring them in the face, and waiting outside of the bathroom when the coworker he was following clearly intended to lose him. When asked irately what the fuck he was doing, he answered with some variation of “Oh, nothing.” My main boss doesn’t engage him anymore, because the one time he yelled at him, the prick sicked some union guys on him and nearly got his job in trouble.

As you can imagine, most coworkers avoid that guy, and pray that they won’t get paired with him alone during the afternoon shifts; the times I had to endure that shit, I was forced to do the work of two people, usually because he refuses to do any work that his bosses don’t explicitly assign to him, even though the bosses, who don’t work afternoons, have made clear that in the afternoons the worker on the phone is the one assigning the tickets, so when I’m on phone shift, I would end up forced to resolve those tickets because the users would chew me on the phone otherwise. He has also resolved erroneously some tickets to the extent that my boss, suspecting the results, assigned me his tickets, only for me to realize that either he was incapable of resolving the incident, or screwed up deliberately. And those are the cases I know about.

Anyway, I’m thirty-eight years old and I’m always glad when I become unemployed. That means more time to write, to read, to play Baldur’s Gate 3, to work out, to go on walks in the woods, and to masturbate to vile shit. What’s not to love? I don’t have a social life nor expensive hobbies, so I have dozens of thousands in savings for when the world inevitably comes crashing down on me.

I’m about halfway through writing the current chapter of my novel. You know, in case you happen to be one of the very few people in this dying world that cares about my fiction. So I can look forward to waking up at six in the morning, sitting at my desk in my underwear, and losing myself in my inner world of unhinged depravity. Oh, what a joy! For a possibly brief time, I can disappear from reality and its many burdens.

What about that Baldur’s Gate 3, huh? Best, most immersive gaming experience since The Witcher 3 in 2015 and Skyrim in 2011. Some fancy game designer said that good games are a series of interesting decisions, and BG3 has taken it to heart.

A small example: at one point you come across the member of a society of intellectuals (two members of which I already met: one a hobgoblin and the other a mind flayer), who asks you to steal an egg of a brutish sentient species, so they can raise it in a kind, peaceful environment and prove whether their brutish ways are a matter of nature or nurture. My fighter, a member of that sentient race, suggested that we killed the stranger for her impertinence and devious ways. This issue seems black and white: stealing a future child for profit is a rather evil choice. But once you find the hatchery, you find out that the sole egg they have left has taken so long to hatch that they’re about to destroy it. Stealing it is right then? The face of my party is a beast at persuading people, so I managed to convince the custodian, who also wanted to avoid destroying the egg, to give it to me, after ensuring him that I would raise the child in a loving environment. After I left (more accurately, escaped) that building, I considered whether we should keep the egg and potentially ruin it, as we are a band of adventurers who know nothing of raising a kid, or give it to a society that wants to use the future child as a lab rat, but in a peaceful environment in which the child will be taken care of. What’s the right choice?

The team behind this game seems to have gone through every choice in the game and balanced the sides. There’s a point very early in the second act when you are supposed to meet the inquisitors of a race of multidimensional aliens who call themselves the githyanki. One of your team members stole an artifact from them, and they want it back real bad. They explain that the artifact, which belonged to them in the first place, is instrumental to stopping the evil designs of the worst people in the D&D universe. You should give it to them then. But the person inside the artifact tells you that under no circumstances should you return it, because the artifact is the only thing keeping your team from turning into mind flayers due to the parasite they put in your brains. Should you lose the one thing that keeps you and your friends alive in order to potentially save all sentient beings in the many dimensions? Are the githyanki lying? Is the sentient being trapped in the artifact lying?

Here’s one possible resolution to that extremely tense encounter, which involves meeting the goddess of those interdimensional aliens. This game has a cast of about three hundred voice actors, who were motion-captured as well to properly depict their facial expressions.

Regarding the people you come across in your bizarre adventures, treat them kindly or like a bastard, and you can be sure that you will experience the consequences, although often not in the ways you expect. During a potential siege by goblins, I convinced a couple of young people to be strong and fight. After I took care of the goblins by slaughtering every single greenskin freak I found (except one in a village, because he was cool, and another one who ended up in a cage), the two young people managed to get captured by some even worse people because they confronted them instead of fleeing. Now their remaining family member is pissed at me.

You have come across a special game when you want to avoid upsetting the nice characters in it, and want to brutally murder those who hurt others who don’t deserve it (like when, for example, someone pushed an innocent gnome lady into lava). Can’t wait to expend a significant part of the upcoming couple of weeks (hopefully) of unemployment losing myself in the grand fantasy that is far better than anything I have access to in real life. And in fifteen days comes Starfield, the next Bethesda RPG, biggest one they’ve ever done.

Life update (08/11/2023)

This morning, as I was reading on the train to work, I found myself unable to comprehend the printed symbols: I could tell that my eyeballs were capturing images, but my brain refused to process the contained information. I closed my eyes and tried to snap out of that confusion. In the darkness I spotted a jagged line of glitchy light. I was coming down with a migraine.

When I got off the train, I still had to drag myself to a bus stop, then stand inside, surrounded by dozens of people, until we reached the hospital complex where I work. I could barely process my surroundings; it felt like my brain was trapped behind a few layers of insulation. Performing any task at a human level becomes a huge struggle, so as soon as I sat down at my workstation, I gulped down some ibuprofen and hoped that my senses would return. Once they do, I know that it will come accompanied by a nausea-inducing headache that usually lasts a couple of days, but that’s still better than the experience of looking at words and being unable to process what they mean.

You see, I’m taking beta-blockers due to my heart issues, which should help prevent migraines as well. It’s a testament to how much stress I endured the previous day that the following one, soon after I woke up, I faced a migraine. Yesterday I was tasked with handling the move of a few computers and printers from the first floor of a building to the fifth and sixth. One of those computers was a custom-made workstation used by internal medicine for analyses and whatever else they do. I found myself having to carry a very weighty computer tower upstairs from the fifth floor (which technically isn’t part of my job, but the orderlies could have screwed it up). I also had to set up a dozen or so workstations and ensure that they were connected to the network (which involved visits to the corresponding network racks), that their programs worked, and that they could print through some of the available printers. Such a task involves coordinating with the local supervisor, nurses, and other types of human beings.

I tried to get back into weightlifting recently (I own dumbbells and a barbell, along with plenty of weights). I used to train regularly years ago, but I have discovered that I’m much, much weaker than I used to be, in part surely because of my health issues, and that my heart is prevented from pumping fast enough in case it reaches the rates of 180-200 that it hit during my last episode of arrhythmia. I have never felt comfortable in this body with which I was burdened, but these last few years the decay has gotten to me. I feel old and broken. On the train I have felt myself wishing I could get away with telling someone to give me their seat, because my back was hurting. It’s such a relief to know that life only gets harder from here on.

My lack of energy is also troubling, although expected. By four in the afternoon I’m done for the day, and I must be content with vegetating (browsing the internet, playing video games, etc.) for the rest of the day. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a social life, because I wouldn’t be able to handle going out in the afternoons to spend time with people, and I’d quickly resent them. Also, because I’m extremely introverted, the interactions I’m forced to tolerate at work drain me quickly. I almost feel myself desiccating.

I haven’t written any single word of my ongoing novel in a week or so. To be honest, I have barely missed it. Baldur’s Gate 3 has kept me entertained. The current sequence of my story requires lots of freewrites along with heavy emotional investment, and real life insists on dragging me back to its vacuous mundanity that erodes the heights that I glimpse when I’m immersed in the artistic process. Whenever I feel guilty for stepping away from my “art,” I remember that I write because it allows me to survive reality, but if I’m keeping myself distracted in some other way, I can give myself a break. It rarely lasts for a couple of weeks anyway, until I start feeling like I’m losing my mind.

It’s two in the afternoon on a Friday, and the one thing I’m looking forward to the most is putting my VR headset on, pulling my pants down, and masturbating to some carefully-arranged porn scenario in Virt-A-Mate. Last time it involved Cammy from the latest Street Fighter; a have your cake and eat it too kind of situation. But in matters of the penis, one needs some novelty, or else the old stick can be hard to stimulate. It certainly doesn’t help that the beta-blockers vastly lower my libido. VR aside, some of those kinky ASMR artists do wonders. Oh, if only some MILF could whisper in my ear that I’m a good boy and that I don’t need to change anything about myself, while actually meaning it. In another life, perhaps.

Aren’t you glad you read through this stupid entry? Here’s a creative promotional video that Joel Haver did for Baldur’s Gate 3:

Review: Pluto, by Naoki Urasawa

Three and a half stars.

The author of this series, Naoki Urasawa, created 20th Century Boys, one of the classics despite how convoluted it became by the end. In addition he also made Monster, for which he’s likely more acclaimed, but to be honest I have twice failed to get through the opening chapters of that series; along with its expository dialogue, Urasawa’s view of the world, as depicted through his narrative choices, irks me.

There’s a moment in 20th Century Boys in which a spunky teen girl stops a murderous gang war by scolding the participants. This happens in an otherwise very serious narrative. And the mindset behind such a narrative choice, which I could call a pollyanna perspective, pops up relatively often in his stories: people who hate others for reasonable motives suddenly flip and forgive the culprits to the extent of crying for them. Bad people tend to be forgiven even though they caused the deaths of numerous innocents. The good guys should also never kill anybody, because killing is bad, although keeping those people alive causes further deaths in the future.

His series Monster starts with what’s supposed to be a shocking moment of moral corruption or whatever: a Turkish immigrant laborer in Germany has his surgery delayed because the mayor comes in with an injury. The author treats this as an abhorrent development, particularly because the first guy was a stereotypically-depicted downtrodden person. In a heavy-handed manner, I was supposed to feel outrage at this injustice. Sorry, if I’m awaiting surgery for any of my many problems, and suddenly Elon Musk gets wheeled in first because he needs emergency surgery, I would understand even if I would curse at the heavens. Elon Musk’s decisions affect far more people than I do, and so would a mayor’s than a random laborer’s.

Anyway, this series I’m reviewing is a homage to one of the most memorable arcs (apparently) of Osamu Tezuka’s legendary Astro Boy, from back in the sixties. It has nothing to do with Pluto the planet; it refers instead to the Roman god of mortality. The story takes place in an optimistic future in which most societies have become super advanced and have created robot servants. Some of those robots, particularly the cutting-edge ones, could easily be confused for humans. Our protagonist, one of those advanced robots, works as an investigator for Europol. He faces a string of murders in which the victims are both humans and robots, and a robot may be responsible. Due to the laws of robotics, lifted straight from Isaac Asimov, that’s not supposed to happen.

What follows is a thriller that could have been far more compelling. Urasawa is a masterful plotter, but often as subtle as a jackhammer, and he abuses moments in which he’s about to reveal something important only to leave us in a cliffhanger. I don’t recall any other manga author that has been making thrillers with that sort of Western flavor, and I’m grateful, because to me it feels cheap.

The story is interesting, has good stakes and intriguing characters, but for me it fails mainly in the execution and the worldbuilding. Regarding the execution, apart from the points mentioned before, it goes for sentimentality that doesn’t hit the right notes as far as my black heart is concerned, and the worldbuilding in regards to how those robots are built and what they’re capable of doing sounds more like magic than technology. A couple of moments grasped at intriguing psychological insights regarding how both robots and humans are puppets; in the case of humans, because we’re manipulated and compelled to act based on emotions that are mostly out of our control. There were also interesting parallels with early 2000s history: alternate versions of the US and Iraq play a role in the narrative, and plenty of the characters were involved in an alternate version of the war between both nations, including the notion that this alternate Iraq may have developed weapons of mass destruction.

A high-quality anime adaptation is in the works, to be released on the Netflix platform. Here’s the trailer:

Life update (08/07/2023)

As I mentioned at least in one previous entry, ever since I returned to work after my six-months-long break, the vibe at the office has changed for me. Beyond objective changes like the main boss refusing to greet me nor look me in the face, and some other coworker doing pretty much the same (in addition to whispering and murmuring about me from two meters away), I’m getting the feeling that something else is at play: last Friday, as a different coworker was whispering nearby, I caught a glimpse of him glancing at me, and I felt myself going into fight-or-flight mode. What’s your beef with me, motherfucker? But that same guy had been talking to me normally the previous day. To this minor incident I had to add numerous other impressions I have gotten at the office since I returned to work. I feel that plenty of the coworkers, as they pass me by, are projecting malice at me.

On top of that, there was a moment when I realized that my bowels weren’t complaining as much as five minutes ago. But I didn’t go to the bathroom, did I? My rotten guts never stop hurting spontaneously. Yes, I recalled having taken the decision to get up and walk to the bathroom, but I hadn’t retained any single memory of having done so. I don’t remember any other recent instances of such clear-cut short-term memory loss.

Something else had changed in my life ever since my last contract ended: due to my heart injury (I got diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, which is the least dangerous kind of arrhythmia), caused by Moderna’s so-called booster, I’m now taking beta-blockers in perpetuity. They were a good fit for me not only because they would prevent my heart from going haywire like it did during my latest episode of arrhythmia, when my heart rate got as high as 190-200, but it also helps with migraines, tremors (I don’t have them yet, but both my father and brother do), anxiety and PTSD, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which affect me to different extents.

Regarding migraines, I suffered them at work so bad that I couldn’t understand anything I was reading, and could hardly string sentences together. Migraines terrify me, as they offer a taste of how a stroke might affect a person permanently. In fact, migraines increase the risk of suffering one. John Fowles, a writer whose work I respect a lot (at least two of his novels), suffered a stroke that wiped out his need to write. He never did again. He said in an interview that the stroke had killed his imagination. If it happened to me, I can’t imagine myself living past that point.

Anyway, I have become addicted to these beta-blockers the same way one does to any such drug that he or she has to take in perpetuity. There are serious risks involved with cutting back. And as I was reading up on the long-term effects of this drug, I came across this page, paper or whatever: Neuropsychiatric Consequences of Lipophilic Beta-Blockers.

Over time, common side effects seem to be:

  • Fatigue: for sure. I can barely walk upstairs and by four in the afternoon I’m done for the day, which is why I have moved my writing time to five in the morning. I’m having a very hard time returning to weightlifting; I have found myself much weaker than I used to be.
  • Depression: I wouldn’t know. I think I have integrated depression to such an extent that I only notice the worst cycles. I’m not sure I know how the world feels like without some level of depression.
  • Sleep disorders and nightmares: I experience very vivid nightmares, or what others would likely consider nightmares, but that feel like more vivid versions of my usual OCD-induced intrusive daydreams. I’m somewhat immune to them.

Last of all, hallucinations and delirium. That’s part of the issue here: I may have become delusional, have slipped into psychotic thinking, and it’s very hard to prove your way out of that when plenty of elements in your surroundings contribute to those impressions. I endured through my late teens in full-blown psychosis accented by a couple of guys who were genuinely trying to ruin my life, along with a physical fight I got into with an older drug dealer who wanted to prevent any classmate of his stripper girlfriend from talking to her. I made the mistake of trying to mediate, as my mother taught me. I didn’t fully understand back then that some people just want a target.

I was pretty much raised by a single mother (my father is around, but has brain damage from abuse and possibly some degree of autism). I was taught that you can solve every issue by talking, that two people won’t argue unless both of them want to, that violence is never the answer, and that the worse someone behaves, the more justified they must be in doing so. A let’s say feminine mindset that she has never grown out of despite the constant evidence to the contrary, a mindset that I had to shed in order to survive in the real world. That’s the kind of bullshit that produces societies in which criminals rule and decent, now castrated people are persecuted, while those in charge of ruining everything believe themselves to be great human beings.

Anyway, this last month I have been getting an updated taste of how it feels to stew in impressions and feelings that you suspect may not have interpreted reality correctly, no matter how much your brain emphasizes that they did. Due to autism, I have always known myself to think and react differently, which has led me to question plenty of my internal processes; this is the cherry on top.

How could I solve this issue? I can’t stop taking the beta-blockers, so I may need, like during the worst periods of depression, to sit tight and get used to the dark. An expression that I’ve had to use plenty of times, and that also reminds me of those many hours I spent in the dark, sitting on the stairs of random apartment buildings, waiting for the school hours to pass until I could return home, because I didn’t think I would survive high school otherwise.

I haven’t started writing the next scene of my ongoing novel, that four or five people care about. I have spent the whole weekend playing Baldur’s Gate 3. What a masterpiece. I would have never expected a RPG to offer fully motion-captured dialogue for every single character you come across, and generally very well acted too. For example, the compelling first encounter with a shady devil, one of the many people in this game who offer you help in exchange of potentially even worse consequences.

Too bad that this player has his or her avatar walking around with that mask on; I always take it off the moment I stop disguising myself. This is a game in which you can talk to certain dead people, but they will refuse to answer if you were the one who killed them, so at times disguising your form comes useful.

The companions that make up your team are fascinating as well. It had become a trope in such grandiose RPGs, like the Mass Effect series, that you would grow closer to your companions only to end up having sex with one or more of them close to the climax of the story, and afterwards the relationship would stop growing. In Baldur’s Gate 3, the first intimate moment for me involved my female fighter pursuing my character for sex, which for that relentless alien only means physical relief. This is the alien in question:

I grew tired of that “fling” quickly (she’s too abrasive for me), but I delayed telling her that I wanted to stop having sex; I wasn’t ready to find out how she would react. There was also an uncomfortably intimate moment with my male wizard, involving magic. At the moment I’m considering getting burned by a half-demon barbarian who escaped from the hells.

You can tell that this game was made by people who love their craft. Best RPG-makers in the business at the moment, above and beyond and all that. They even designed every goddamn goblin individually. I’m about forty hours in, but it feels like I haven’t gotten through any significant quest yet. Those who have finished the game claim that the experience only improves after act one.

Along with Starfield, that comes out in a month, I feel that we may be in the best year of gaming since 2015. I can’t wait to get home and keep discovering the strange stuff that this game will throw at me. That first encounter with a beholder nearly made me shit myself.

Life update (08/02/2023)

Jeez, it feels like I just wrote one of these. But I have nothing better to do now other than wait for tomorrow afternoon to come, so I may as well write about a few things in my mind.

First of all, the vibe at work has worsened. In short, back in January my contract was about to end. My boss offered me a finagled new contract that I’m sure wasn’t very legal, but I refused because it lowered my wages by thirty percent. I also was sick of working there, had experienced my second episode of arrhythmia recently, and I wanted to rely on unemployment benefits for a while. Last month I returned to work only to find out that the aforementioned boss (main boss of the place) no longer wants to acknowledge my presence. I could understand that. However, recently I have realized that another coworker has gone from speaking to me cordially (before my last contract ended) to refusing to look at me as well as return my greetings, and is generally being a dick.

For example, yesterday I entered the office only to realize that the guy whose workstation I was occupying had returned from vacation, so I had to pick another workstation. I switched on the PC of the guy whose medical leave I’m technically covering, but he’s the kind of nuts who altered the BIOS of his work PC in such a way that we can’t figure out how to reach Windows (not that I put that much effort in figuring it out, because I don’t want to be involved with that guy’s stuff). Then I moved to what I thought was the only other free workstation, that belongs to the aforementioned guy who had stopped greeting me. I thought he was on vacation, so I used it for a while. Then I was informed that he wasn’t actually on vacation, but had to travel to another hospital for a ticket. I finally settled for a fourth computer (which ended up having problems later on, but that’s beside the point).

When the guy who is acting weird returned, he went to his pal, who sits opposite me, and started whispering and murmuring about me (I understood “he reset my computer,” which I had to do because it was blocked with his user, as we usually leave them). A guy in his fifties acting like a schoolgirl. I could tell that his pal, who usually looks fed up with life, didn’t want to get involved in his grievance.

After a few years of tolerating the neuroses of this place, and particularly after my heart injury, I have become more and more retiring. I refuse to look up at people’s faces as I’m passing them in the hallways. I’m in one of those “I want to quit but that’s not feasible” kind of situations. I fantasize about winning the lottery, gaining the power to make everyone in my life forget about my existence, shapeshifting into a less disgusting form, etc. In general I just want to be done with it all.

Like thousands of people on X (formerly Twitter), I have been following the news of this LK-99 stuff, a supposed room-temperature superconductor fabricated by some reputable scientists in South Korea. I have joined the masses that read the excited posts in which materials scientists argue with each other, while the rest pretend to know what the fuck they’re going on about.

Some laboratories around the world have replicated the material, which is extremely promising. However, there’s further testing to be done. Apparently the original formula required lead and copper, but Chinese scientists have determined that gold works better than copper in that formula, which is a bit disappointing (gold is far harder to get, as well as geographically and politically limited). Anyway, the Korean scientists who have published the paper will either win the Nobel price or end up disgraced (and/or in a Korean drama).

A room-temperature superconductor is the holy grail of materials science. It would be apparently like discovering fire, like going from the wheel to steam engines. I’m talking a quantum computer on your desk. It would revolutionize every field.

As the last topic of this entry, Baldur’s Gate 3 comes out tomorrow. The Baldur’s Gate series is a legend in the genre of RPGs; I first enjoyed it about twenty-five years ago. It’s based on the Dungeons & Dragons ruleset, which has accumulated a tremendous amount of intriguing and convoluted lore. The third entry has been developed for these last seven or so years by the best studio making CRPGs these days.

I feel more or less like a kid waiting for Christmas. I love cinematic games with an insane amount of choices and reactivity, and Baldur’s Gate 3, that has been in Early Access for the last three years or so, has proven itself a worthy contender for best RPG ever made.

Here’s the trailer (one of them anyway):

When I get home from work tomorrow, I’ll spend the entire afternoon either playing the game or just creating my player character. Such games also allow you to lose yourself in the fantasy for long stretches of time, which I require to prevent reality from crushing me like a bug.

See ya.