They first abducted me in the woods,
Where I went to play the guitar in peace.
I suddenly felt something strange,
An electric shock that ran down my spine.
My heart was beating fast, my body trembled.
The sky sounded like a machine was drilling,
And lights flashed above me like lightning.
A shadow fell over me, making me freeze.
It was projected by an enormous black ship.
Then, a strange voice spoke from far away,
“You are going to help us with our research.”
I tried to run but it felt like a force field
Took hold of me and dragged me up.
When I woke up in their ship,
I first noticed the aliens’ eyes:
Large, oval, and protruding,
Bright blue with an intensity
Like no other color I had seen.
Their pupils are small black dots
That stared at me unblinkingly
With a dreadful curiosity.
Their skin is a pale greenish-blue
That remind me of the ocean.
They smell nice, fresh and clean,
Very different from my own scent,
But these freaks are hairless
Except for their eyebrows,
And wisps of white around their ears
Which resemble antennae.
They communicate through telepathy,
As I had already expected.
Their voices sound in my head
Like thunder or rolling waves.
They probably think we are primitive
Merely because we vocalize to speak.
This is only partially correct,
Because we also use body language
To express our thoughts and feelings.
The aliens are as stoic as they come:
They never smile nor frown,
Nor use their hands to gesture.
I doubt they feel joy or anger,
Or possibly even sadness.
It would explain why they didn’t have a clue
About why humankind came to be so fucked,
And it meant that we wouldn’t get along;
Most of our behaviors don’t make sense
Unless you think in terms of fun,
Or the primitive joy of destruction,
Or wanting to cum.
Due to the aliens’ telepathic nature,
They can share knowledge instantly,
Maybe while still maintaining privacy.
It took them long to figure out
That we can’t transmit our thoughts.
It might be hard to understand
How a complex society would succeed
When you can’t hear others in your mind.
As I lay down on an operating table,
They checked my vitals and drew my blood.
My heart rate increased,
My brain was buzzing like mad.
I started to sweat in the cool room.
The aliens explained that they would take
Some of my cells and analyze them
To find the DNA and check for mutations.
I had already read about abductions,
And I had wondered how I would react.
I wanted these far more intelligent beings
To consider me a fellow sentient creature,
If only to disuade them from butchering me,
So I didn’t curse, yell, cry, nor plead;
I just remained calm, polite and quiet.
They’d return me when they were done,
Or else they’d dissect me and put me in a jar.
In either case, I wouldn’t be able to do shit.
I hoped that they wouldn’t smell my fear.
I felt like they could take any part of me,
From my toes to my dick.
I feared that they might cut off my balls
For the sake of science.
I tried to get friendly with their leader,
Or at least the one who called the shots.
He answered me in perfect English
(But I only heard his voice in my head).
He said that he was a doctor
Who specialized in genetics and biology.
I asked him where they were from.
“We’re from the planet VX-742.”
“Well, that doesn’t mean much to me,
But nice to meet you, fellow people,
Because I hope you keep in mind
That I’m a person who would suffer pain,
Potentially harrowing amounts of it,
If you were to shove those sharp tools
Into any part of this fragile body.”
“Don’t be afraid. We won’t hurt you.”
I wiped the sweat off my forehead.
“Yes, you always say that kind of shit.
Are you guys going to kill me?”
“No, we just want to study you.”
I thought about cattle mutilations,
And the Guarapiranga Reservoir
(That man whose eyes, ears, tongue
And genitalia had been removed,
As well as the digestive organs,
With no signs of decomposition).
I wanted to bring up my abduction,
But I could tell that they wouldn’t care
(Or even worse, they wouldn’t understand).
“So, do you guys have FTL drives?”
I asked the aliens, with a smile.
They seemed surprised by my question,
They didn’t understand what it meant.
“I wanted to know about how fast
This cool spaceship of yours goes,” I said.
“You don’t have to worry about the speed,
Because we can go anywhere in space.”
I was excited about their discovery,
If only because humans might partake
(If we pass through the Great Filter).
They were confused by my agitation,
But they were kind enough to clarify.
“We don’t need to use fuel, our energy is infinite,
And we can just stop at the nearest star.”
“What? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
I thought about all the work it took
To build something complex like a car,
Or a computer chip or an iPhone.
Hell, I wouldn’t know how to create a chair.
These people had become their own gods.
I felt so insignificant in front of them,
But the aliens remained calm as I asked,
“Alright, so do you have music, or books?”
“Music and reading are primitive things
Which we don’t use anymore,
We have more advanced technologies,
But we are in the process of cataloguing
All the artistic production of your race.”
As a guitar player, that hurt,
But if I told them to fuck off,
They would dissect me like a frog.
“Do you know any good musicians,
Or writers who are doing great stuff?”
“We know many artists, but we haven’t
Discovered anyone worth mentioning yet.”
I couldn’t think of anything else to ask,
And I suddenly wanted to remain silent,
So I lay back and let them examine me.
One of the aliens used a weird device
To scan my brain and nervous system.
A few of the aliens touched my skin:
They seemed to be studying the texture.
Another alien pulled out a scalpel,
And I knew for sure I was about to die,
But he cut open my shirt to see my chest.
He could just have asked me to unbutton it.
I wondered if they would reimburse the damage.
I had a feeling they were checking out my ass.
I hoped they wouldn’t discover my prostate.
They took pictures of every inch of me
With a floating eyeball that seemed sentient.
I could hear the aliens talking inside my head
(It sounded like a crowd of drunken fans).
“I’d say he is a healthy specimen,
Although his heart rate seems too high.
The muscles in his legs and arms look strong.
His nipples are erect; he’s aroused.
He has very large testicles,
And his penis is well-developed.”
(But I might have imagined this part.)
Another alien went inside my mouth
With a long probe that made me squirm.
They removed some tissue from my throat.
They also took samples of my hair.
I was getting sick and nauseous from seeing
Their bizarre alien faces so close to mine.
The aliens took samples of semen
Despite my shrivelled balls
(I was cold, and containing my fear).
They had conjured a fancy hallucination:
As I lay on a paradisiac beach in the sunset,
I was approached by a Hollywood actress,
Who intended to seduce me of all people.
She wore a red dress with short sleeves,
And her breasts looked so big and soft.
As she kissed me, her nipples were erect.
(I could tell that this wasn’t real,
But I wanted to believe in that world.)
After the mirage fondled me for a while,
I came into an artificial vagina
That a dispassionate alien was holding,
As if I were your average bull stud.
“You’re fertile, you have excellent sperm,”
An alien said, but I felt violated.
That alien added unnecessary info:
“Your ejaculate contains a lot of fructose,
Which makes it ideal for our hybridization.”
I likely became the proud father
Of a whole series of hybrid children
That hopefully won’t require child support.
One of the humans they had abducted,
An old, frail lady who would have fainted
Merely by checking out her face in the mirror,
As soon as she regained consciousness
She suffered a heart attack and died.
The aliens didn’t react with emotion;
It’s almost as if they don’t feel pain,
So they can barely understand it.
They must be inhuman beings
Besides being technically aliens.
I thought of all the humans I’ve known,
From the homeless to the billionaires;
All the politicians, journalists,
And even my teachers at school.
They are all people, not a bunch
Of soulless machines.
The aliens cut that old woman open calmly,
And took out what they thought was necessary.
They removed her skin with a laser cutter
Without mercy for her old flesh and bone.
I told them this abducting business is wrong,
That they shouldn’t be experimenting on us,
But they said they would do so anyway
Because there was too much data available
From our brains, and from our DNA,
To learn more about human biology,
And they wanted to study our race
So they could better understand how
Humans think, feel, and make decisions.
They seemed to have a lot of respect
For humankind, despite their crimes
(Both the aliens’ and ours, I guess).
I wondered if they would use this info
To decide whether or not to destroy us,
And I wasn’t too confident in the odds
(I would probably destroy us if I could).
Because I didn’t freak out like the others
(A woman in her thirties had peed herself,
And was hugging her knees while sobbing),
I felt a sense of camaraderie with the aliens.
“I hope you guys don’t get caught and killed
By some human group trying to capture you.”
“Don’t worry. We’re protected by a force field
That prevents us from being seen.”
I asked them about the Great Filter.
They had passed it many millennia ago.
“We exist in a universe where we could live forever,
And we are free to create whatever lifeforms
We want without worrying about extinction.”
“What? You mean you created other species?”
“Yes, we have gone through millions of forms
In order to find ones that were suitable.”
“You guys didn’t create human beings, right?”
“We wouldn’t create a primitive species.”
The aliens said I had the potential
To become one of their most trusted allies,
But only after undergoing training.
They needed my help to reach more humans,
So they offered me to work for them.
I asked how I would get paid,
But it seemed that money was a concept
That the aliens couldn’t understand
(Or they pretended they didn’t).
They said my payment would come in time,
When I helped them achieve their goals.
“What are your goals, exactly?” I asked.
They told me that humanity had been stagnant
For too long, we were like a shipwreck.
We had to move forward or else die.
As I pondered their ominous words,
The aliens enticed me with benefits:
They would provide food, water, shelter,
A place to sleep at night, and sex.
They insisted about the available sex.
If I wanted sex, I just had to say, “Please.”
I wouldn’t need to worry about loneliness.
Intrigued, I inquired about their whores,
Or alien prostitutes, the preferred term.
The poor girls were artificial hybrids
Made from human and some aliens’ DNA
(They clarified that it came from different aliens,
Another species they experimented on).
My abductors said that I wouldn’t need to pay,
They wouldn’t even ask for my ID.
I took one look at those hybrid prostitutes,
Who looked like beautiful human women
Except with bulging, compound insectoid eyes.
They were clever enough to know all the moves.
I felt sorry about their lot in life,
But their mouths and pussies did wonders.
After one of those sexual encounters ended
And I lay on an alien mattress with the hybrid,
I caressed her naked back and kissed her neck.
Her bulging eyes were freaky, but whatever;
I hated plenty of stuff about my own body.
“Are you happy being an alien prostitute?”
I wished to know, although I feared the answer.
“Yes. I’m always happy no matter what.”
I realized that she wasn’t exaggerating;
I couldn’t sense any apprehension towards me,
Nor about her life as a likely sexual slave.
She was proud of being the property
Of these aliens, and even stated so.
“They’re kind, they give us everything we want.”
It was easy to give someone what they wanted,
If they could only want what you wanted,
And if they didn’t care about anything
But getting laid, then everyone’s a winner.
“Are you able to experience any discomfort
Like anxiety, sadness, depression, or other ills
With which us humans constantly struggle?”
I asked, but I didn’t want to hear the answer.
“No, we don’t feel pain nor suffering.
We are forever young, we will never decay,
And if something damages us,
Our bodies can be repaired easily.
Besides, we’re too busy having sex
With as many people as we can find.”
I couldn’t decide whether to pity this hybrid;
My life was dependent on lessening pain.
But her body was warm and her skin soft.
I would leave those dilemmas for academics.
Despite the aliens’ generous offer,
I refused to live in their ship.
I am a human, goddamn it,
And these fuckers kidnapped me.
I had to witness how they experimented
On the other hapless people,
Around ten of them in the same room.
The aliens didn’t give a shit
If the humans cried in terror,
So I would stay here, in this world of mine
That contains mostly things I don’t like.
The aliens didn’t seem to understand
Why I was so reluctant to stay;
They thought I would be grateful
That they would have taken me away
From the horrors of human society,
But I told them I wasn’t a sadist,
And I didn’t want to see humans suffer.
The aliens’ expressions remained vacant.
After they returned me back home,
I was happy that they hadn’t murdered me,
So I casually welcomed meeting them again.
They promised that they would come back,
Because a chill human could help their goals
(They didn’t put it in those words).
Although I wanted to tell the whole world
About my disconcerting experience,
I would be another babbling loon
For the majority of this fucked up species.
I had been abducted with other folks,
But I never expected to come across
One of such sufferers in civilian clothes,
Until I talked with a friend of mine,
A dopehead who couldn’t find a job.
Although she had also been abducted,
She believed it had been a hallucination.
“Yeah man, I was totally wasted
When I saw a UFO land.
It was so bizarre and cool.
They had these big fucking eyes,
All bright blue and shit,
And I felt like I was flying!”
She didn’t believe me
Even when I showed her the scars
From the alien surgical tools,
So there was no point in telling others.
As they days passed, I grew jumpy;
I had nightmares about being abducted,
And I had developed something like PTSD.
These fucking aliens were fiends.
Kidnapping people is a violent act,
No matter how cool they acted about it.
They must have been malicious by default,
Or at the very least chaotic neutral.
They cared for us like we care for bears,
In the sense that we study them,
In some cases share cool moments
(Like enticing them with food to wave,
While recording it for YouTube),
A few freaks try to fuck them,
But otherwise we stay away,
Because bears can get homicidal
Against nearby human beings
Who were merely standing around
(Either because they feared for the cubs,
Or just because bears are angry maniacs).
But I did empathize with the wariness
That the aliens displayed about us:
I would have chosen to be a giraffe
I suspected that these aliens had abducted
Many people from different countries
For their scientific research,
And had kept many of them
As pets, or as slaves of any kind.
The aliens weren’t forthcoming
About the truth of these matters,
But whenever I was abducted again,
I asked the aliens to take care of them,
Of the other abducted people I mean,
So they wouldn’t die of hunger or thirst,
And to contact me if they needed help
(The alien fuckers, I mean),
As apparently I worked for them.
They have abducted me many times
Since that night they offered me sex.
They introduced me to hybrid people
Who look like beautiful humans,
Both men and women, some children,
But they had no clue how to behave
In what we consider a civilized society,
Because they grew up in alien ships
Or wherever the fuck they hide them.
Some of the hybrids are hot women,
Which makes this whole thing creepy,
Or I guess that’s what I should say
(Hard to know if the aliens were going
For a science project or a fetish).
Anyway, my job is to hang out
With these hybrid freaks
As their professional guide,
And teach them how to fit in
So they can infiltrate human society.
I’ve become an expert on the subject;
I’m a walking encyclopedia
On the matter of passing for normal.
Every day I woke up at dawn
To meet with a group of hybrids
That the aliens had beamed down.
I strolled with them around town,
And sometimes outside in nature.
I took them to stores, libraries,
Banks, schools, parks, hospitals,
As I tried to explain to them
The ins and outs of human culture.
I taught them how to buy groceries
Whether with cash or a credit card,
How to use the ATM machines,
How to socialize with humans,
How to dress and act in public
To avoid arousing suspicion,
How to go shopping for clothes,
How to read the menu in a restaurant,
What it means when someone asks,
“Do you want fries with your burger?”
(I’m not sure they understand
The concept of ‘fries’, but whatever),
How to make an appointment
At the doctor or dentist,
When and how to read a map,
What places they could go to
Without getting mugged,
How to drive cars and ride buses,
How to register to vote,
How to apply for a loan,
How to pay their taxes,
How to handle firearms,
Which women are the hottest,
How to deal with police officers
To avoid getting arrested
Or shot in the face,
Which groups of people to avoid,
And a myriad of other basic stuff.
They were growing
Into handsome people.
I would have been proud
If I wasn’t so creeped out.
I had been feeling guilty for a while
Because this was an attempt at infiltration,
Probably with some nefarious purpose,
And I was a traitor to humanity
Who gave up our race for some hybrid pussy.
I was just trying to save these experiments
From themselves and from the aliens.
Because the hybrids hadn’t been raised here,
They may never be able to survive on Earth.
I mean, you couldn’t teach those feral children
After they learned about manners from wolves.
I feared what would happen to these freaks
If the aliens considered their batch a failure.
I was trying to befriend some of the hybrids,
Treat them like regular folks instead of spies.
One hybrid was a cute brunette girl, twenty or so.
I think she’s from Spain, at least some of her DNA.
“What name did the aliens give you?” I asked.
She had trouble understanding the question.
“Human beings refer to each other by names,”
I clarified, “so what’s your name?”
The girl shrugged. “I don’t have one of those.”
“Why not? How would I refer to you in particular?”
“We don’t need identifiers. We’re all the same species.”
I stared at her for a moment and then asked,
“Are your alien overlords space communists?
You people aren’t a hive mind, you have to speak
Using that beautiful hybrid mouth of yours.”
The hybrids just laughed, although I was serious;
Space communism is a perilous matter.
Still, I was surprised that they had felt such joy.
I guess that the aliens left that human part in.
“We can speak through our mouths,”
Said one of the hybrid men, who looks Swedish,
“But also through telepathy, like our leaders.
We keep transmitting brain waves to each other.”
I tried to stay friendly to this bunch of weirdoes.
“I suppose that if I had to choose my fate,
I’d rather be a telepathic slave than a dumb animal.”
I didn’t know how to treat these hybrids.
They didn’t seem like bad guys,
But I can’t stand communists,
So I wanted to avoid getting beguiled by them
And particularly developing crushes on some,
No matter how cute or brunette they were.
“You have to choose a name for yourself,”
I said to the dangerously hot hybrid from Spain.
She thought for a while and then answered,
“My name is Liesl, like in ‘The Sound of Music’.”
I had no clue what she was talking about.
“Liesl, individuality is the greatest thing,
It differentiates us from other creatures,
So when you die, hopefully never,
People will be able to say, ‘that was Liesl,
And not just another nameless, hybrid freak’.
You have to resist your alien overlords.”
As she smiled at me, I felt a tingle in my balls.
I wish the two of us had been alone.
Liesl was so clueless and innocent, and hot,
That I couldn’t help but be attracted to her.
Her eyes are blue, her lips full and red
As if painted on a canvas of soft pink.
They are the most sensual lips.
Most nights, when I close my eyes,
I still see them in my mind.
The way she held herself, the way she moved,
Her voice, and especially the smell of her hair,
All made her seem like an angel, or a goddess.
Her hips swayed seductively as she walked.
I found myself staring at the nape of her neck
And also down at her fine ass.
I kept daydreaming about how it would feel
To kiss Liesl’s soft lips, and hold her in bed.
She was curious about everything,
She was always eager to listen to me.
I wished to teach her all about
The beauty of life, and the value of love.
I taught her how to play the guitar.
We practiced together some of my songs
As she sang along to the lyrics.
She had a natural talent for music.
Our voices harmonized perfectly
Although we were from different worlds,
Although our species didn’t match.
I could tell that she was a kindred soul
Who understood what I was trying to say.
I was a man in his twenties, damn it,
Who was abducted by aliens
Like a couple dozen times,
Who gave him a stable job
For the sole purpose of teaching these hybrids
How to pass for regular human beings,
And I wanted to see them succeed
If only because I was the one teaching them,
But I didn’t want Earth to end up conquered
By communists of any origin,
And the more I thought about my circumstances,
The more I believed that they must be commies,
Because they did this whole thing forcefully,
And they were mainly paying me in whores.
A few months later, the aliens informed me
That I was to enroll in college with some hybrids.
I thought they were high on their formaldehyde;
The college wouldn’t accept a high school dropout.
But turns out that the dean was a hybrid
From a successful previous generation,
And it wasn’t any effort to forge my documents.
That was a huge lesson that made me paranoid;
I started wondering which big shots were hybrids.
The government and the media were suspect.
I was living on campus, in a dormitory.
Liesl was attending classes too.
I tried to take all of her courses,
And I met her every morning at breakfast
In the dining hall, then again at lunch.
I figured it was time, as a fellow student,
To finally get entangled to my beloved hybrid.
I had a hard time focusing on studying,
Because the aliens didn’t need to sleep:
I always had to wake up at dawn,
Although they abducted me some nights.
I intended for Liesl and I to become a couple.
I would teach her all about making out,
As well as the most loving sex acts
(Part of my job as their chaperone),
But some other guy asked her out first.
He played basketball for the local team,
And was here on a sports scholarship.
I had never experienced such jealousy.
That bastard only wanted to fuck Liesl.
She didn’t know what she was getting into,
So I had to warn her to avoid men like him.
When I told her that she couldn’t go on dates
With random guys, she looked at me confused.
“I am supposed to learn about human society,
And I should prepare myself for matrimony.”
I gasped, then grasped her innocent hands.
“Liesl, you don’t even have a name,
You stole one from some old movie.
You are supposed to be handled with care
By someone who knows you are a freak,
Not an animal, not a normal person,
Just a beautiful, strange creature
That the aliens created for fun and profit.”
My heart was pounding, but I stopped talking.
I was afraid that Liesl would leave me.
I couldn’t bear to see her hurt or scared,
And she needed somebody to protect her.
She was shocked that I cared so much.
I was the first person she ever met
Who understood her needs,
And who was also friends with her pals.
She said, “I’m sorry, Mr. Gulliver,
But our leaders insisted that we mingled
With the locals who weren’t abducted.”
“Liesl, my last name isn’t Gulliver,
But I guess you may invent me one,
Because you are so cute and brunette.
Anyway, I swear I will teach you love,
As well as how to fuck like an animal,
And one day we’ll have a weird spawn
With possibly corrupted DNA.”
I tried to kiss Liesl, but she backed away.
I felt so dirty. I couldn’t resist my urges.
I was ashamed of my weakness and lust.
“Mr. Gulliver, we can’t do this,”
She whispered as if it were a secret.
I held her hand although mine trembled.
I could barely look into her doe eyes.
“You are too innocent for this world!
You don’t understand how humans are.
If you open yourself up to these beasts,
They will destroy your pure heart.
Haven’t I handled you with care?”
“You have, and I’m grateful to you,
But nothing can interfere with the plan.
My high IQ, along with intensive studying
And the careful guidance that you imparted,
Will allow me to become a journalist,
A scholar, a researcher, or a politician.
Some of us will become presidents.”
My heart dropped by the way she spoke.
I wanted to teach her everything good,
But it was a waste of fucking time:
Although her eyes were full of innocence,
Her mind was filled with alien thoughts.
I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest.
Why couldn’t I have a normal college love?
I wanted to be a good father to Liesl’s kids.
I would have done my duty to pass humanity
To my half-hybrid, half-human offspring.
I didn’t know if I was ready for that life,
But I knew that I would never betray her.
I never even met my hybrid children
That the aliens created from my stolen sperm.
I would have accepted my little freaks
Even if they turned out to have horse faces.
“I fell in love with you, Liesl,” I confessed,
“Are you able to understand what that is?”
Liesl looked down, and then she said,
“I don’t really get it, but I am happy
That you came to feel that way for me.”
I wanted to take her into my arms,
But I knew that I wouldn’t be allowed.
“You are always happy, Liesl,” I said bitterly,
“Those aliens designed you that way.
I still haven’t decided whether to pity you
Or envy you for being so clueless, or fear you,
Or rejoice for the future of my broken species.”
Liesl smiled, then she hugged me tightly.
“We are the same, Mr. Gulliver.
We carry the instructions of our ancient race.”
I cried into her hybrid neck.
“You have no clue what you’re talking about,
And my last name isn’t Gulliver.”
Liesl dated that basketball player,
Then dated some other guys,
Graduated with honors,
Got an analyst job at a think tank,
Eventually got married,
And raised a boy and a girl.
I kept in touch with her, at least at first.
I ended up loving the bottle instead.
I feel like shit, I hate the aliens,
But I admit that they did a good thing:
They saved us from a life of loneliness,
And a future of wretchedness and mayhem.
I keep seeing Liesl on TV, I can’t avoid her,
Because she became the president of the US.
She started a war with China over trade,
Although their president is also a hybrid
(They were playing some sort of 4D chess).
We used to fear a nuclear holocaust,
And the threat of World Wars,
And the lack of available pussy.
The aliens have solved all that.
Nobody ever learned about my role,
Nor about the hijacking of humankind.
I have to live with this sorrow and shame,‘A Chaperone for Hybrids’ by Jon Ureña
But I guess the future lies in the hands
Of those blissfully unaware of painful things
Like anxiety, sadness, depression, or rage,
As those were weeded out of their brains
By the people who learned to understand us
And made sure that we don’t end up extinct.