Claire got a little lonely on the night of September 20th, 2007, when a letter written by her mother on a yellow post-it jumped out of her mailbox onto the lawn, causing Claire to run out of her house without her shoes on. As mentioned, the letter was from her mother, Mary, who had accidentally fallen down a well years ago. However, she was now standing in Claire’s lawn. The girl was the only person that could see her mother. Mary had planned for her daughter to die a slow, painful death. She shot a bullet into Claire’s heart, but the heart was already broken, which caused the bullet to break instead.
Nobody would help Claire, so she decided to get a rifle, a bow and arrows, and a dildo. She ended up having sex with her rifle, then killing a turtle she was hunting with her dildo, after she failed to kill a variety of small animals.
Claire never revealed that the yellow post-it said that her parents would try to join her in Hell. When she read that, she immediately ran back home to get her sledgehammer. She was greeted by her deceased father and mother, who were holding hands. Claire wanted to smash their heads together, but then William knocked on her door. He invited her to come along with the triceratops to a party at their home.
“Plan For a Renegade” by William Griffin
First things first, I wanna talk to you about
Things like war, motherhood, fatherhood, and fatherhood.
Anyway, there’s only a verse about my friend.
See, Lorenzo has a mission that his parents planned:
Gotta shoot a renegade deinonychus, he’s a chupacabra.
Hell’s Gate-a-ray, his parents are sending him down to hell.
“Okay, this is going to sound too crazy.
Hell’s Gate-a-ray, ole-yeter. Uh-unh.”
Lorenzo asks, “What was that, Gramps?”
“Shut up, you son-of-a-gun. Next, I’m tellin’ you the truth,
We’re gonna build a missile out of your heart, ’cause, um,
You, uh, you ain’t, uh, been an angel, but, you know,
You’ll repent and, uh, uh, don’t let the devil tempt you, boy.
An old fart like me, I know.”
“Strings and Gunpowder” by William Griffin
Grab your guitar!
Grab your gun!
Grab your life
And have fun!
Wake up at night and sing a song
Under your friend’s bedroom window.
Hey, Lorenzo! Lorenzo!
Plan to sleep all night long?
(“Shut up, asshole!”)
Yeah! It’s good to be back!
It’s good to be back!
La-la-la-lee
La-la-la-way,
Yay-eh!
Put your fingers on the strings,
Put a bullet in the chamber.
Boom boom boom!
Bang bang bang!
Hit ’em right in the heart!
“Prehistoric Punk” by William Griffin
Lorenzo is one ugly son-of-a-bitch.
His eyeballs are poison green.
With those claws, scales, and horns,
He’s like the truest form of punk.
Lorenzo the triceratops
Carries a tiny soul inside his skull.
That goddamn freak walks around
Like he could topple city blocks.
He’s got the guts of a machine gun,
And a portal to hell inside his throat.
Sing something, Lorenzo!
Rawr, rawr, ra-rawr!
Grr, grr, gr-grawr!
Rooo, rooo, ra-ra-roo!
Rawr, RAWR, RAAAAWR!
“Crap” by William Griffin
This crap is mine, and I am proud.
I’m gonna keep on singing, singing, singing.
I’m gonna keep on singing my crappy song,
And nobody can stop me.
It’s my own little song
That I’ve made myself,
And I’ll sing it any day
If I’m not getting beat up.
I’m gonna keep on singing, singing, singing.
I’m gonna keep on singing my crappy song.
I will sing forever and ever and ever,
Or until the day I die.
“Cruisin’ While Horny” by William Griffin
My friend Lorenzo is a triceratops
With a portal to hell inside his throat.
He would drive around for hours on end,
Trying to find some chicks.
Where did you get that car?
I don’t even have one.
What the hell are you doing, Lorenzo?
What the hell are you doing, Lorenzo?
Every day he’s doing this.
Dude, I’m worried about him.
This whole thing is getting out of hand.
When I told Lorenzo I was scared for him,
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “My bad.”
“Lorenzo 2.0” by William Griffin
Lorenzo the triceratops from space,
Born and raised in a cave.
His parents named him “the Obliterator,”
For that’s what he does best,
But they called him “Lorenzo” for short.
He’s not your average triceratops:
He doesn’t eat plants.
He eats the souls of the dead.
Lorenzo: update version 2.0.
New features include:
More soul-eating capacity.
Greater evil force.
Dark matter bazooka.
Enhanced chupacabras.
Fixes include:
Fixed flaming diarrhea bug.
Dating’s not his strong suit, though.
When Lorenzo dated that allosaurus,
He lost his mind and had to leave.
A relationship doomed from the start.
Lorenzo’s not afraid of anything.
When he heard the allosaurus was after him,
He said, “Bring that bitch over here!
I’ll smash her skull with a crowbar!”
“Father God” by William Griffin
My mom’s the sweetest flower,
But she married a prick.
Mom and stepdad drink together.
The whiskey flows through their veins
While they sing old songs
About suffering and death.
Father God
Looks down upon us.
His teeth are knives.
His heart is cold.
He kicks the poor,
And breaks the sick.
His feet stink,
So does his dick.
Fuck that big asshole up in the sky
Who wants us to love our father,
My dead dad’s replacement,
Who’s so generous with his fists.
Are you proud of what you’ve done?
“Cancer and Virgins” by William Griffin
Our souls are connected
To our bones and our flesh,
But to me Claire could only exist
On the surface.
Lorenzo is half metal
And half stone.
He’s like a newly launched gunship.
On the inside we’re alike:
Cancer and virgins.
But because he is a killer,
Lorenzo is a strange boy.
My sister has an iron fist,
And keeps screaming in envy.
We’re more the same than we are different.
I hate to touch a hand that’s metallic,
She hates to kiss a mouth that’s metal.
But deep down we’re the same:
We are born to murder.
“The Hair on Her Arms” by William Griffin
Claire, I love the way you cry,
And the tears that fill your eyes.
Every time you get close to me, I feel warm.
I dream about the hair on your arms.
You two are my best friends:
Lorenzo and Claire,
A triceratops and a blind girl.
My inspiration for most songs I write.
In these mountains, everything is cold.
What was left behind has turned to dust.
I find myself walking around town in the dark,
Just to know that I’m alive.
* * *
Although the relationship between the trio of friends was becoming strained, Claire and William grew closer to the extent that he eagerly transcribed the poems to which she gave birth.
* * *
“To Old America” by Claire Javernick
This boy can keep me up to date
And help me fix what’s wrong.
I’ll take him to old America.
He’ll show me the way.
This boy can keep me up to date.
His face speaks of new understanding,
And it’s my spirit that he surrounds.
I think I could live in his love.
“Supernova Snack” by William Griffin
If I got hungry in the forest, Claire,
Would ya give me some of your blood?
If I fell in the river and got drenched,
Would ya lick me dry?
You’ve got an ass that could put out the flames
Of a raging forest fire.
(By which I mean your ass is very nice.)
Claire, you’re a fucking snack!
Everything you say makes me hard.
What should I do, girl?
Should I stick my nose in your arm, or what?
The only thing better than dying in battle
Is to get blown up by a meteor,
Or eaten by a carnosaur,
Then get fucked by you.
Claire, if you’re hungry,
Eat my eyes.
If you’re cold,
Light my bones on fire.
The stars will go out,
The planets break apart,
But for now, I’ll be feasting
On my supernova snack.
“Marmalade Sun” by William Griffin
A bird is building a nest in my mind.
Butterflies flutter around in my mouth.
There’s something living in my nose.
(You know those bioluminescent creatures that live in the black depths?
That’s what I have swimming in my guts.)
You and I, my ginger beam,
We were born from dinosaur blood
And that marmalade sun.
My head is round and rounder.
I don’t eat, I live on laughter.
No matter what, we’re going to die,
So we might as well enjoy the ride.
“Eyes Closed” by William Griffin
I’ll never forget the first time we met,
‘Cause something in your eyes
Made me want to try to touch your soul.
It’s such a shame how your eyes are always closed.
There’s a place that’s hidden deep inside your soul,
And if you knew the way to find it,
We could be lost in love forever.
When we find that, then we’ll find what’s within,
And everything that we’re searching for
Will come true like the stars in the sky
And the places on the ground.
“Lorenzo, No” by William Griffin
Lorenzo, no.
I could tell you so many things,
But you’re never gonna hear them.
So go back to your cave
And think on life,
And you’ll find it’s so much better
Than what you think.
“Monster With a Hellmouth” by William Griffin
My friend doesn’t just have a hellmouth:
He also has a monster head
Made of chromium steel.
Whenever Lorenzo sings a song,
He sounds terrifying and murderous.
His hellmouth gushes dark smoke
While all sorts of horrors pour out.
(This does happen a lot.)
He’s a monster with a hellmouth;
I don’t know what to tell you.
Lorenzo ain’t afraid of ghosts or leprechauns.
If you run into him in a dark forest,
He’ll impale you on his horns,
And make a wish with your bones.
He’s also very well endowed:
It looks like a bazooka.
His seed comes out of his mouth
While his bazooka throbs.
(I’m not sure what nature intended
With that reproductive system.)
When I close my eyes, I still see it.
“Hold in There, Lorenzo” by William Griffin
Tumble through the cracks of this shithole town.
A boy and his fucking dinosaur.
You wear your horns like crowns
While I just wear my skin.
I see myself in you tonight, Lorenzo.
You’re out in the sun’s fucking bright light.
Drinking time (fuck yeah).
You’re headed for the bottom.
You’re out there eating your dick.
You’re full of shit,
All fucked-up inside.
Your gonads hold the world in place.
You know we’re all going to die.
“Don’t Wanna Be the One” by William Griffin
Just look at how you’ve changed.
You don’t even look like yourself any more.
Clothes are hanging on you,
Your hair is a mess.
It looks like something’s wrong with you.
Lorenzo.
I don’t wanna be the one
To tell you the truth,
But I think that I should be the one
To tell you the truth.
I don’t like the way you’re acting.
Oh Lord, please help me.
So it’s true what they say.
I love you, and I know you care for me.
Just tell me why you always treat me bad.
I can’t stand you any more,
And I really don’t think that it’s fair.
I don’t like the way you’re acting.
Oh Lord, please help me.
So it’s true what they say.
I don’t wanna be the one
To tell you the truth,
But I think that I should be the one
To tell you the truth.
“Odd Paradox” by William Griffin
We’re losing control.
Somehow I have to make it stop.
As far as I’m concerned,
I’ve got myself a stinker.
I’m obsessed,
And nothing I do
Seems to please him.
He feels that I hate him,
And he’s right, so
Could I really blame him?
It’s an odd paradox.
The world’s a funny place.
I guess he’d prefer
If I was killed
Right here and now.
That seems to me
Extremely ungrateful,
But that’s just the way it is.
“The Same as It Is Now” by William Griffin
Don’t shut the portal to hell,
Don’t close the portal to hell.
Don’t be afraid of what I tell you,
Or you’ll end up down that well.
It will be dark and it will be cold,
And it will be you.
No! It’ll be the same as it is now,
Except with a lot of kids singing songs
About things that go boom.
“Into Hell and Out Again” by William Griffin
You, my friend, will disappear into hell,
So throw away your cigarettes,
Your scarlet lady and your tin box,
‘Cause you have a better life ahead.
It’s just the world we live in:
There’s no one to lead us.
The highway’s packed with assholes,
All of them worse than the last.
Forget the girls who betrayed you,
Every lie that brought you pain.
We should sit back and laugh,
For this life will go away.
You, my friend, will have to cross this stream,
Wading in the water with your arms wide open,
Feeling for each stone with your toes.
Throw away your scarlet lady,
And your cigarettes too.
This fucking world’s a garbage dump,
But not your heart, for that is home.
“Afraid of His Dick” by Claire Javernick
Dude, dude,
Try not fuck with him, ’cause he’s a goddamned
Mammoth triceratops
With a portal to hell inside his throat,
And a dick like a spear.
He won’t let you go, and he will follow you
All the way to the end of your life,
But in the meantime he won’t let you die,
‘Cause he knows a lot of stuff about science.
He wears a shell with a god inside.
I swear, he won’t let me die.
He wants to kiss my vagina,
But he hates the taste of petroleum.
When he bites me,
He comes off as murderous,
But I can never alert the authorities,
‘Cause I can’t read nor write,
And that’s just embarrassing.
Dude, can I tell you something?
If I were to kill him,
You could write about the slaughter,
And then we could kiss,
And drink some wine
And eat some tacos
And watch a movie.
“Cretaceous Razor” by Claire Javernick
Somewhere at the end of the black and blue,
A yellow rose falls from the sky.
Lorenzo’s throat is stuffed with joy and hope.
His heart is a lighthouse in the dark.
His love is a fast-flowing fountain of thought.
It’s a hell of a way to live and love,
It’s the difference between life and death,
To know the feeling of a dino’s claws.
He’ll shred you to the size of a cactus.
Some may find the signs of wisdom.
Lorenzo can’t understand anything from them,
But his warm and kind stories
May make you love life more than death.
A razor from the Cretaceous that cuts the sun.
He’ll make your hat more than seven feet tall.
The curve of his horns is erotic.
He’s an angel in the blackest of hells.
“Girl With a Limp” by William Griffin
Lorenzo’s a dinosaur with a triceratops brain.
If you know his liver, then you know his scrotum.
If you don’t know his liver, then you know his scrotum.
Those balls are hard to miss.
If you asked him where he got his good looks,
He’d say, “A vat of acid.”
If you asked him how to get his abs,
He’d say, “Stick a saw blade in your guts.”
If you asked him where he lives,
He’d say, “Under your bed.”
If you asked him how to find true love,
He’d say, “Open the gates of hell!”
If you asked Lorenzo where he was going,
He’d look at you like you had three heads.
If you told him where he was going,
He’d call you a liar.
Lorenzo would get drunk and fuck my girl.
He kicked her while having sex.
She’s a charming sixteen
Going on twenty-four.
Her eyes are milk,
And she walks with a limp.
“No Entiendo” by William Griffin
His name’s Lorenzo. I think it sounds like a brand.
I was just a kid when I first heard the wailing
That howls out from the depths of his throat.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
No entiendo!
Hey, no entiendo.
Yo no entiendo.
Lorenzo takes me by the arm.
“Se llama amor, pero no lo entenderías.”
He runs toward our school with a bomb
That blows up the town and my home.
Necesito una sombrilla.
Hoy es luna de sangre!
“Love Thy Tyrannosaurus” by William Griffin
Tyrannosaurus Rex,
Tyrant lizard king.
He runs with his brothers and sisters
Through the thick jungle brush.
He was born under the shadow
Of a thousand lightning bolts.
Love thy tyrannosaurus,
But keep thy distance:
He will kill thee,
And eat thy guts.
He’s just a vicious dude
In a giant reptile suit,
And we’re one and the same.
“When the Fence is Gone” by William Griffin
The actual lady, Claire,
Is in love with the beast.
She’s trapped in his throat,
Bound by a curse.
We’re the sheep that go out to pasture,
The livestock in a fenced field.
You’re the shepherd of a foolish flock,
Feeding on our blood and souls.
I wish I could pretend
That you never existed,
But now I will pretend
That I care for you.
The day will come
When the fence is gone,
And you will be the one
Left all alone.
Beast of the old ways.
“Hell Is This Way” by William Griffin
Oh Lorenzo, what can I say?
I never liked you when we were kids.
You have a face that’s a million years old.
The portal to hell has swung open.
I am Triceratops, and my wife is Spartacus.
Handsome or ugly, what does it matter?
My wife gives her life away for Triceratops.
Hell is this way.
Hell is this way.
Hell is this way, triceratops.
A world far below this one,
Where darkness never ends.
Your blood’s the best of wines.
“Bitter Bites” by William Griffin
And after all the lies he told,
The rocks he threw at me,
That dino got what he deserved.
I saw tears in his eyes.
He will never betray me again,
That bloody demon.
To satisfy a weird urge,
I cut up some of his flesh,
And ate it.
How sick is that.
“The Devil Inside My Throat” by William Griffin
I met this girl who wouldn’t give a fuck.
One day she led me to her bedroom.
Today I couldn’t look her in the eyes,
Even though she’s only ever seen black.
Her scent is a morning in early fall,
And her voice soft and pleasant,
Like a mother who wouldn’t abandon you,
Or a father who would never hurt you.
It’s all gone.
The devil lives inside my throat.
I hear his chortling every night.
Sometimes he burns my clothes.
He also pees on my bed.
Name’s Lorenzo. I’m a triceratops.
I have a portal inside my throat.
When I open it, smoke comes out
From the bowels of hell.
I see the darkness within me.
I’ve always known it was there.
The Domains of the Emperor Owl 