AI podcast about Alma: a Successful Case Study

Back in 2021 I wrote this short story about a therapist and his troubled patient named Alma. Man, 2021 was one prolific year. Anyway, I’ve presented this tale to the Google AI thing that generates podcasts out of your source material so the pair of hosts would do a review. Check it out.

You can read the entirety of this story on here:

Alma: a Successful Case Study, Pt. 1
Alma: a Successful Case Study, Pt. 2

Ongoing manga: Rebuild World, by Nahuse

Four-and-a-half stars.

For once, this isn’t an isekai: the story is set long in the future, after some apocalypse about which the survivors are still trying to figure out the specifics. Apparently their predecessors had become so advanced that they were mixing biological engineering with super-AI or some shit, until their industries went haywire and started mass-producing mutated monsters that overwhelmed the world. Those facilities seem to be still active somewhere, pumping out enhanced monstrosities. Seemingly the sole remains of humanity live in a megacity. More accurately, the wealthy live in the megacity. The rest of humanity (or just Japan?) endure in the surrounding slums. Among the unwashed masses, the local badasses are known as hunters, the only ones daring to venture into the wasteland to make their living. Killing monsters is profitable if they’re threatening the city or other hunters, but their main source of income are the relics of the old world: any random underground mall from the pre-apocalyptic world suddenly found attracts most hunters around, that won’t hesitate to murder each other for the loot if necessary.

Meet Akira. It’s a post-apocalyptic Japanese story set in the future, so someone named Akira had to be involved. We are introduced to him as a traumatized teenager who constantly gets robbed and generally bullied by local shitheads. During a monster attack, the guy has enough, and decides to defend himself with a gun against a group who are bound to kill him. Suddenly, a naked female spirit appears, and hovers casually toward him. Akira freaks out until she, who calls herself Alpha, explains that she’s an AI remnant of the pre-apocalypse, and that he’s the only one who can see her because his brain is attuned to the old-world networks still in place, so she can show herself to him as augmented reality. She’s not just a curiosity, though: she can offer Akira superhuman support, analyzing his environment, pointing out enemies, guiding his shots. After she manages to save him from explosions and monsters by telling him to stay put or move at times, he realizes that she’s trustworthy, and that this sexy ghost of the past is his ticket to a better life.

Alpha, as we piece together early on, isn’t that trustworthy. Apparently, for many cycles, she has been finding humans to support. All of those cycles have ended with the subject dying. In the latest one, the subject came close to succeeding in beating some final dungeon that Alpha wants her subjects to clear out, only for some information to have been revealed that made the subject turn against Alpha, who promptly took the subject out. What’s Alpha after, then? Is she on the side of the pre-apocalyptic humanity, who may only want to resurrect the old world no matter how many modern eggs need to be cracked? Is Alpha part of the same AI that mass-produces monstrosities? We still don’t know. Throughout the story, the friendship between Akira and Alpha is heartwarming, but as Akira becomes more and more dependent on her, in the back of your mind you know that she’s going to screw him over in the end. It remains to be seen, though, whether or not Akira would go along with whatever Alpha’s true objective is.

Akira is emotionally stunted. He was orphaned so young that he has no memory of his parents, and all he has known of people growing up is the need to protect himself from sentient wild beasts. As the story advances, he meets people who like him, and would even want to tear his clothes apart and mount him, but the part of his brain that ought to connect to people doesn’t work to any significant extent. Plenty of other compentent hunters see him as an uncaring loner who, despite his competence, is someone to be wary of. The exceptions are a few women in his life to whom he proved himself, and who are eager to take him under their wing and show him their delectable parts to get a rise out of him.

The gals in this story are delicious. Props to the author and the visual artist. From the teenage gang leader Sheryl to the redheaded murderess whose name I don’t remember but who was a super cyborg or something, you want to stare in awe and horniness. Thank you Japan for being you.

This is yet another one of those Japanese stories in which you follow the lives of the characters as they change and grow. Although some personalities clash, they have reasons for doing so. Some chapters are just about having a good time and hanging out with interesting characters that get along, and that’s something I think has been lost in Western stories, that are full of forced conflict and people acting like bastards to each other. As far as I’m concerned, you can rely entirely on the tension born from the story world and concept, as well as from some characters that are genuine bastards, and just have the rest of the crew navigating that while relying on each other.

I’m loving this story. I wish I could keep experiencing it, but I’ve run out of chapters. If you’re into Japanese stories with great action, careful worldbuilding, human stakes, and total babes, this is one of the greats as far as I’m concerned.

Also, why not, here’s an AI-generated short podcast about this review:

AI podcast about Odes to My Triceratops, Vol. 3

This weird thing that Google has released automatically creates short podcasts based on any source of information you give it. I suppose it’s quite useful for serious purposes, but I’ve fed it all my posts about the AI-generated songs I made for the third volume of Odes to My Triceratops. Listening to these almost perfect AI voices talking realistically about my stuff is really eerie. They made a couple of mistakes assigning lyrics to their proper songs, though.

Anyway, I thought this was cool.

Life update (09/16/2024)

Who’s back at work? I am! After five days of a blissful medical leave to recover from a hemiplegic migraine, I’m back at the environment that put me in the ER to begin with.

As part of the fact that I’m autistic, looking at people in the eyes and acting like a more-or-less normal human being is always a struggle, and something I have to do deliberately; turns out that people don’t take it well if you remain silent when they address you. Shortly after I entered the office, I sensed the glances of “as soon as he looks at me, I’ll ask about what happened to him.” I never engage those. And the social worker slash computer technician, whose political opinions she had expressed over the months with the certainty that everyone shares them, asked me, “You’re back, so you’re okay now, right?” I could barely be arsed to shrug in her direction. What do you care? And more importantly, why do I need to pretend that I want to talk to you, when I don’t even want you here? Does my paycheck cover that?

It’s hard to deal with anything in a job that clashes with my basic nature, and that risks causing me brain and heart damage due to the mounting stress that I’m unable to handle. Merely being outside of a room in which I’m the only person present causes me stress. The very presence of human beings, that feel like wild animals to me, causes me stress. Being in charge of coordinating the replacement of nearly a thousand printers, which has involved having to negotiate with supervisors and users that love to cause problems and complain if they have the opportunity, has chipped away at my sanity little by little, and I don’t have the tools to prevent that other than not working here. I’m basically a ticking bomb until the next time I end up in the ER, with a body that will grow increasingly unable to recover from the attacks of arrhythmia and migraines.

This medical leave has put a spotlight on the fact that the only reason I’m miserable most of the time is because of my job. Otherwise, I was in a good mood, programming away at my little project, reading manga and such. I even found myself laughing at times. But it’s not like I can quit; I’m a middle-aged man with no real alternative that would pay the same, and programming jobs are getting harder to land due to AI (not that I blame AI for it, as I use it extensively for programming myself). Hell, even before I started working as an IT guy at a hospital, I wasn’t getting hired because I was too old and my curriculum was too spotty; it’s not a good idea to put down on that document, “I lost my will to engage in society, and at times even to live, so I spent long stretches of time barely leaving my parents’ apartment once every couple of weeks. I also collected pee bottles.”

Even though I have to deal with background despair daily due to the state of the world and how it will progressively encroach into my life (my home was nearly broken into a few years ago or so by a couple of imported arabs, for one), when I’m alone in a room, left to my own devices, none of that matters anymore. For everything else, I have manga, my fantasies, and my right hand.

As Jack said at the end of Chinatown, “As little as possible.” I can’t stand the current world. I don’t care about people. I will do whatever benefits me, and as little as possible of anything else.

Neural narratives in Python #4

I recommend you to check out the previous parts if you don’t know what this “neural narratives” thing is about. In short, I wrote in Python a system to have multi-character conversations with large language models (like Llama 3.1) in which the characters are isolated in terms of memories and bios, so no leakage to other participants like in Mantella. Here’s the GitHub repo.

I’ve been on a medical leave for five days, a leave that ends tomorrow. I’ve buried my troubles and worries about my life and job by programming my ass off. Right now, the code does the following:

  • Generates worlds, regions, areas, and locations, mostly automatically through the large language model (right now Hermes 405B).
  • Generates characters mostly automatically, including their portraits.
  • Allows the user to chat with them either through the console or with a very fancy web interface programmed in Flask, initially with the invaluable help of the newly released Orion model from OpenAI (I’ve nearly burned through all the allowed chat interactions, which renew in a week).
  • It creates rudimentary memories for the characters (summarized conversations). It also saves the transcriptions of the dialogues.

Here’s how the web interface looks like:

Why all of these generated people’s names start with “Z” is a bit of a mystery.

I don’t know how much further I’m going to progress with this little project. The hardest part, being able to have multi-char convos, is already working quite robustly. It wouldn’t be too complicated to create web pages for navigation with the AI as a dungeon master, and displaying AI-generated photos of AI-generated locations. It would probably be quite fun to move around from location to location, talking to generated people who will keep roleplaying according to the background info they get fed about their world, region, area, and location, as well as their own matters such as description and equipment.

Neural narratives in Python #3

I recommend you to check out the previous parts if you don’t know what this “neural narratives” thing is about. In short, I wrote in Python a system to have multi-character conversations with large language models (like Llama 3.1) in which the characters are isolated in terms of memories and bios, so no leakage to other participants like in Mantella. Here’s the GitHub repo.

Dialogues with the AI are working great. I love how the inclusion of world, region, area and even location information in the prompt to the large language model colors the dialogue. I decided to go one step further, and implemented automatic generation of worlds based on a few notes from the user, of regions from a world, of areas from a region, and of locations from an area.

Soon enough, I will modify my code to generate at will characters belonging to an area or a location, so I expect that their backgrounds and general mindset will be colored heavily by those influences.

Here are some examples of worlds, regions, areas, and locations generated through this system:

Arctoria (world)

Arctoria is a vast world that mirrors the grandeur and sophistication of the Roman Empire. The landscape is dotted with majestic cities, each a center of art, culture, and learning. The architecture is reminiscent of ancient Rome, with grand amphitheaters, towering aqueducts, and intricate mosaics adorning the walls of temples and villas. The climate is Mediterranean, with warm, dry summers and mild, wet winters.

The geography of Arctoria heavily influences daily life. The fertile valleys support an agricultural economy, while the mountain ranges serve as natural barriers and strategic defensive positions. The extensive network of roads and sea routes facilitates trade and communication across the empire.

However, Arctoria is not just a mundane world. It is a place where the boundary between reality and fantasy blurs. Some individuals are born with extraordinary powers that can shape the world around them. These powers can manifest as offensive capabilities, healing abilities, the creation of illusions, or even summoning monsters from other dimensions. Yet, these gifts come with a terrible price. If a power-bearer is murdered, their abilities can be stolen by the killer. This makes possessing such powers extremely dangerous, and those born with them often live in fear and secrecy.

The appearance of interdimensional monsters adds another layer of unpredictability to life in Arctoria. These creatures can emerge anywhere, at any time, and their intentions are often unclear. Some are benign, content to observe this new world. Others are hostile, causing destruction and chaos wherever they appear.

Arctorian society is advanced and values knowledge, honor, and survival. The empire is ruled by a powerful senate, with a complex system of laws and governance. The dominant language is Arctorian, a language closely related to Latin, and the arts, including sculpture, painting, and literature, are highly valued. Magic is not widely understood in Arctoria. It is viewed with a mixture of awe, fear, and suspicion. Those with powers are often treated as outcasts, and their abilities are seen as more of a curse than a gift.

The dominant religion is the worship of the pantheon of gods, who are believed to oversee all aspects of life, including the bestowal of magical powers.Social classes in Arctoria are determined by birthright, wealth, and merit. The nobility hold significant power, but there is mobility within the social structure for those who display talent and ambition.

Non-human species are rare in Arctoria, but they do exist. These beings, often hailing from other dimensions, are viewed with suspicion and fear, and interactions between humans and non-humans are fraught with tension.

In essence, Arctoria is a world where the grandeur of ancient Rome meets the unpredictability of fantasy. It is a place of beauty and danger, where the mundane and the magical coexist uneasily. The struggle for power, both political and magical, drives much of the conflict in this fascinating world.


Erosia (world)

Erosia is a world where the roles of men and women are flipped when it comes to sexual promiscuity and propriety. Women in Erosia are utter perverts, constantly dominated by their need to have sex, even just for fun. This leads them to become predatory. The males of Erosia have to guard themselves to avoid getting abused, raped, or at least inconvenienced by females. Long-term relationships between men and women are hard because the women are extremely promiscuous.

The landscape is dotted with fortresses and safe havens for men to protect them from roving bands of lusty women. Major civilizations are female-dominated, with women holding most positions of power due to their voracious sexual appetites. Men are seen as the ‘weaker’ sex. Society values sexual conquest and pleasure above all else.

Technologically, Erosia is medieval, with castles and walled cities built for protection more than anything. The ruling entities are matriarchal monarchies and queendoms. Ongoing conflicts exist between different factions of powerful women vying for control and access to the most desirable men. The main resource is a rare plant that suppresses female libido, giving men a way to protect themselves. The dominant religion worships a goddess of love and lust. Social classes are determined by birthright and sexual prowess.

Non-human races like nymphs and succubi exist and ally themselves with human females in their pursuit of male conquests. Racial tensions are low as most races share the same sexually aggressive females.


Aurelia (region of Arctoria)

Aurelia is a region of grandeur and sophistication, reflective of the high fantasy and historical elements of its parent world. It is characterized by its rolling hills and fertile valleys, with the climate being predominantly Mediterranean, featuring warm, dry summers and mild, wet winters. This supports a prosperous agricultural economy, with vineyards and olive groves stretching as far as the eye can see.The inhabitants of Aurelia are a proud and cultured people, valuing art, education, and honor above all else. They have a rich tradition of sculpture, painting, and literature, with many of their works inspired by the pantheon of gods they worship. These deities are believed to oversee all aspects of life, including the bestowal of magical powers upon certain individuals.

The architectural landscape of Aurelia is dominated by grand amphitheaters, towering aqueducts, and temples adorned with intricate mosaics. The cities are designed in a manner that mirrors the splendor of ancient Rome, with wide avenues and public spaces that encourage community interaction.

The governance of Aurelia is overseen by a powerful senate, similar to that of the Roman Republic. This body of elected officials is responsible for the creation and enforcement of laws, as well as the overall administration of the region. Despite the semblance of democracy, the social hierarchy is largely determined by birthright, wealth, and merit, with the nobility holding significant power.

Aurelia is known for its advanced craftsmanship, particularly in the production of fine wines and olive oil. These goods are highly sought after, both within the region and beyond. The economy is further supported by a robust network of roads and sea routes, facilitating trade and communication with neighboring realms.

Despite its prosperity, Aurelia is not without its challenges. The region is often threatened by interdimensional monsters, whose appearances are unpredictable and intentions unclear. To defend against these threats, Aurelia maintains a formidable military force, known for its discipline and tactical prowess. Furthermore, individuals born with magical powers are viewed with a mixture of awe, fear, and suspicion, often leading lives of secrecy and isolation.

In essence, Aurelia is a region where the grandeur of ancient Rome meets the unpredictability of fantasy, creating a unique blend of beauty, danger, and intrigue.


Venustria (region of Erosia)

Venustria is a lush, fertile region known for its rolling hills, dense forests, and winding rivers. The climate is temperate, with warm summers and mild winters, making it an ideal environment for agriculture and natural beauty.

The inhabitants of Venustria are primarily human, with a culture that values sensuality, pleasure, and artistic expression. Women hold most positions of power, and society is structured around female dominance. Men are prized for their beauty and sought after as companions and lovers. Relationships are often fluid, with long-term commitments being rare.

Venustria is governed by a council of powerful women, each representing different factions within the region. These factions include the Aesthetes, who value art and beauty above all else; the Agrarians, who control the region’s fertile farmlands; and the Huntresses, skilled warriors who protect the land from external threats.

The region is known for its stunning architecture, with graceful spires, intricate carvings, and lush gardens adorning the cities and towns. The arts are highly valued, with music, dance, and theater being popular forms of entertainment. Iconic styles include flowing, diaphanous garments, intricate jewelry, and ornate body paint.

While Venustria is not currently at war, there are ongoing tensions with neighboring regions over resources and territory. The region’s main resource is a rare flower that, when properly cultivated, can enhance sensual pleasure. This flower is highly sought after, both within Venustria and beyond.

The Venustrian military is known for its skilled female warriors, who are trained in archery, swordplay, and hand-to-hand combat. The region’s defenses are further bolstered by natural barriers, such as dense forests and treacherous mountain passes.

Social hierarchy is determined by a combination of birth and achievement, with those possessing great beauty, artistic talent, or military prowess rising to the top. Men have the opportunity to elevate their status through their skills as lovers and companions, but ultimate power rests in the hands of women.

Spiritually, Venustria worships a goddess of love and sensuality, with elaborate temples and rituals dedicated to her worship. The region’s inhabitants believe in indulging in the pleasures of the flesh and celebrating the beauty of the natural world. This belief system permeates every aspect of Venustrian life, from art and architecture to politics and personal relationships.


Valoria (area of Aurelia)

Valoria is a region characterized by its lush, rolling hills and fertile valleys, reminiscent of a Mediterranean paradise. This area is blessed with a warm, dry summer and mild, wet winter, making it an ideal location for agriculture. Vineyards and olive groves stretch as far as the eye can see, contributing to a prosperous economy.

The inhabitants of this area are a proud and cultured people, valuing art, education, and honor above all else. They have a rich tradition of sculpture, painting, and literature, with many of their works inspired by the pantheon of gods they worship. The deities are believed to oversee all aspects of life, including magical powers bestowed upon certain individuals.

Valoria is dominated by grand amphitheaters, towering aqueducts, and temples adorned with intricate mosaics. The cities are designed to mirror the splendor of ancient Rome, with wide avenues and public spaces encouraging community interaction. Despite the semblance of democracy, the social hierarchy is largely determined by birthright, wealth, and merit, with the nobility holding significant power.

The area is known for its advanced craftsmanship, particularly in the production of fine wines and olive oil. These goods are highly sought after, both within the region and beyond. The economy is further supported by a robust network of roads and sea routes, facilitating trade and communication with neighboring realms.

Despite its prosperity, Valoria is not without its challenges. The region is often threatened by interdimensional monsters, whose appearances are unpredictable and intentions unclear. To defend against these threats, Valoria maintains a formidable military force, known for its discipline and tactical prowess. Individuals born with magical powers are viewed with a mixture of awe, fear, and suspicion, often leading lives of secrecy and isolation.


Silkwraft Barrens (area of Venustria)

In the heart of the region lies a unique expanse, the Silkwraft Barrens, a place that defies the lush, fertile stereotype of its surroundings. This area is characterized by its vast, open grasslands interspersed with patches of dense, almost impenetrable forest. The terrain is mostly flat with occasional rugged hills, giving it a sense of openness and freedom, a stark contrast to the claustrophobic density of the forests.

Despite the seeming barrenness, the Silkwraft Barrens is rich in unique resources. The most notable is the Silkwraft flower, a rare blossom that thrives in the open grasslands. This flower is coveted for its ability to enhance sensual pleasure and is a key component in the region’s most potent love potions. The area also supports a variety of fauna, including the Swifttail deer, known for their speed and grace, and the elusive Shadowlynx, a creature of beauty and danger whose presence adds a thrilling edge to any journey through the Barrens.

The Silkwraft Barrens is governed by the Sensates, a faction of the council who believe in the power of the senses and the pursuit of pleasure. They maintain a delicate balance, ensuring the preservation of the Barrens and its resources while also exploiting its bounty. They have established a network of trade routes, both by land and river, which serve as lifelines for the communities residing in the Barrens. However, these routes can be treacherous, particularly during the stormy season when the rivers swell and the paths become muddy and impassable.

The Barrens is steeped in mystical beliefs, with many stories and legends woven around the Silkwraft flower and the Shadowlynx. The Sensates have built grand temples dedicated to these legends, where elaborate festivals and rituals are held to honor them. These events are a spectacle of color, music, and dance, a celebration of life and pleasure that is at the heart of the region’s culture.

Despite its open terrain, the Silkwraft Barrens holds many secrets. Ancient caves honeycomb the rugged hills, rumored to hold untold riches and dangers. There are also whispers of hidden groves deep within the dense forests, places of power where the line between the physical and the mystical blurs. These mysteries add to the allure of the Barrens, drawing adventurers and dreamers alike to its wild beauty.


The Whispering Gallery (location of Valoria)

The Whispering Gallery is a sprawling, ancient cavern system located beneath the verdant hills of the region. It is a place of mystery and wonder, where the echoes of the past seem to linger in the cool, damp air. The entrance to the caverns is marked by a towering archway of weathered stone, adorned with intricate carvings that hint at the secrets hidden within.

Inside, the caverns are a labyrinth of winding tunnels and vast chambers, lit by flickering torchlight and filled with the soft, eerie whispers that give the gallery its name. The walls are adorned with ancient frescoes and mosaics, depicting scenes of heroism and tragedy, love and loss, and the eternal struggle between good and evil. The air is thick with the scent of damp earth and the tang of metal, a testament to the rich veins of ore that run through the rock.

The Whispering Gallery is home to a secretive order of monks, known as the Keepers of the Whisper. These monks are charged with protecting the caverns and the treasures they hold, including rare and precious gems, metals, and ancient artifacts. They are also skilled in the art of echolocation, using the whispers of the gallery to navigate its twisting passages and communicate with one another.

Despite its beauty and wonder, the Whispering Gallery is not without its dangers. The caverns are prone to sudden rockfalls and collapsing tunnels, and the deeper chambers are home to strange and terrifying creatures that have evolved in the darkness. Some say that the whispers themselves can drive a person mad, luring them deeper and deeper into the darkness until they are lost forever.

Today, the Whispering Gallery is a place of pilgrimage and learning, where scholars and adventurers alike come to unravel its mysteries and seek out its treasures. But it is also a place of danger and treachery, where only the bravest and most cunning can hope to survive.


The Velvet Grove (location of Silkwraft Barrens)

In the heart of the open grasslands lies a unique expanse, a place known as The Velvet Grove. This location is characterized by its lush, dense forest that seems to breathe with life, a stark contrast to the vast openness surrounding it. The trees here are ancient, their trunks thick and their branches reaching towards the sky like the desperate pleas of a lover. The air is heavy with the scent of dew and moss, and the ground is carpeted with soft, velvety grass that seems to caress the skin of those who walk upon it.

The Velvet Grove is home to a variety of fauna, most notably the Swifttail deer and the elusive Shadowlynx. These creatures add a sense of danger and thrill to any journey through the grove, their presence felt more than seen. But the true guardians of this place are the Sensates, a faction who believe in the power of the senses and the pursuit of pleasure. They maintain a delicate balance, ensuring the preservation of the grove and its resources while also exploiting its bounty.

The grove is rich in unique resources, the most notable being the Silkwraft flower. This rare blossom thrives in the dense forest, its petals shimmering with a soft, ethereal glow. The flower is coveted for its ability to enhance sensual pleasure and is a key component in the region’s most potent love potions. But harvesting the flower is no easy task, as the Shadowlynx are known to guard them fiercely.

Despite its beauty, the Velvet Grove holds many dangers. The forest is home to a variety of poisonous plants and venomous creatures, making it a treacherous place for the unprepared. The dense foliage and winding paths can easily disorient even the most experienced traveler, and the Sensates are not known for their mercy towards trespassers

.Yet, despite these dangers, the Velvet Grove is a place of peace and serenity. The air is filled with the soft whispers of the leaves, the gentle trickle of water, and the occasional cry of a Swifttail deer. It is a place where the line between the physical and the mystical blurs, where the senses are heightened and the soul is laid bare. It is a place of beauty and danger, of pleasure and pain, of life and death.

Ended up in the hospital (as a patient), Pt. 4

Another entry of this thrilling series! As I mentioned in my latest life update, for the last five days or so, I had been enduring flashes of darkness in one eye: sometimes, when I looked around, I lost the vision in my right eye for less than a second, something that I had never experienced before. It looked like black lightning. Because I’ve been beyond busy, at the limit of my human capacity, for months, I didn’t bother going to the doctor. The day before I ended up in the ER, the muscles around my right eyeball started bothering me, and I felt a strange pressure behind them.

I’ll proceed to relate how the afternoon when I ended up in the ER went. The moment I sat down at my desk in the office, two coworkers approached me due to printer-related issues that had come up in the morning. Because I have been tasked with coordinating the replacement of 930 or so printers, apparently now I’m the go-to person for absolutely fucking everything having to do with those printers even if they were put in place months ago.

I don’t recall what one of the issues was, but in the other, some guy from another department, someone we don’t know in person, had gone to fix a problem with the printer, and for whatever reason he had changed its IP address to a new one that we have no clue where he got it from. While the new IP does work, it isn’t assigned to a network name, and the group policies only go by network names, so every other computer at that office could no longer use that printer. I told my coworker, who had that ticket, to demand explanations of whoever did it, so he could hopefully revert it. Earlier this morning, when I checked my office mail, I found out that my boss just assigned the ticket to me so I would fix the problem. I would love to say that now they can suck it, because I’ll be on a medical leave for a few days, but I’m sure that the issue will be waiting for me when I return to work.

Anyway, like every day for months, shortly after I come to work, I have to start dealing with printer technicians from another company, who are tasked with replacing and configuring the printers (the part that gets configured physically in the devices). I used to have to deal with two technicians, but now that we are finishing the work, I only deal with one. Let me tell you about the technician I’m dealing with now: this guy is the biggest incompetent I’ve ever had the misfortune of working with. Here’s a list of the issues I have regularly with him:

  1. He lies even about inconsequential stuff. I recall one time he tried to deny that he had gone out for a smoke, even though I walked by him as he was doing it. He also lies to cover his ass with his company, not caring whom he has to bury for it. The guy went on vacation three weeks ago. The last day, he told me he would only replace two printers then take the car to travel to Madrid. I don’t have any issue with these technicians leaving earlier (less work for me), so whatever. But the following week, I ended up being questioned by his boss about whether it was true that the day this technician had to leave earlier, it had been because I hadn’t allowed him to replace more printers, which is what he had claimed. That day, this motherfucker had had the gall to shake my hand and tell me that he felt sorry for the troubles that him going on vacation might cause for me. The technician remains unaware that I know this.
  2. He consistently fails to remember to take stickers to name the network printers, which causes a multitude of problems. Even if I physically bring him the fucking stickers, which he has available at his office, half of the time as he’s replacing the printers, he forgets to do it anyway.
  3. I have to follow him around as he replaces the printers, because half of those he sets up, he does them wrong (even though the methods for replacing the same models are identical). That means I have to get out of my way to ensure that they respond to pings the moment he’s done with them, instead of configuring them in a batch as I do with the other technician.
  4. Part of my job as a coordinator involves walking up to whatever departments and buildings the old printers are located, then negotiating with nurses, admins and supervisors when they’ll allow us to replace the printers. Some, we can do in five minutes, others require taking up the connected computer for up to thirty minutes. Never mind the fact that I’m autistic and this level of human interaction is above my pay grade, but most human beings are garbage: if they can complain about anything and cause you issues, they will. I can’t count how many times I’ve gone to a department to solve a ticket only to be bombarded with “now that you’re here…” A few days ago I went for a printer-related issue, only for a random nurse to try to get me to replace her computer for a faster one. They know they have to put up tickets formally for any real issue, but most of them don’t give a shit; they’d rather bitch and complain among each other than spend five minutes making a call to HQ so they can register a ticket and send it to whoever can solve it. Anyway, this whole thing was about the incompetent technician: plenty of times after I’ve determined what printers could be replaced that day, this technician brings up some excuse that forces me to redo the whole thing from zero in other parts of the hospital. This is often related to the technician wanting to do the easiest stuff that day, even though he would end up with entire weeks of the hardest stuff right at the end.
  5. He’s always on the phone. Plenty of times I’ve had to phone him for work-related stuff, only for him to be busy talking to his friends or his girlfriend. He has also delayed work, or had me waiting for fifteen minutes, because his girlfriend was going to bring him lunch (why guys like these have girlfriends is one of those mysteries of life).
  6. Every time I’m supervising this technician’s work, he complains about being tired, about how annoying it is, about how far the locations are, about his coworkers who aren’t present, about his bosses, etc.
  7. Some printers require the technicians to dress themselves in appropriate attire. This guy has always delayed these, or even straight up avoided doing them when I tasked him, to the extent of forcing me to unload those locations to other technicians so they would get done. Mind you, I have to dress myself twice to enter these places: once to determine whether or not it can be done that day, and another to accompany the technicians, even if it boils down to pointing at the location of the printer.

Anyway, yesterday, I entered the office at one in the afternoon (doing a one to eight shift). For those shifts, I always send the technicians detailed instructions for what they should do for the few hours our shifts don’t match. Turned out that he had only replaced one printer, of the model I told him to replace that day. He told me that he would start preparing new ones afterwards (although he should have already done so in the morning). Later, he called me and told me that he had “accidentally” prepared a different model of printer, so those were the ones we could do that day. That forced me to reorganize the whole day of work, visiting and calling other departments to ensure they would allow me to replace their printers. This technicians knows perfectly well what he forces me to do whenever he screws me up like that, but obviously he doesn’t give a shit.

Some time later, he told me that he had finished preparing, and he was heading to our meeting point. After I waited about seven minutes at the meeting point, I called him to figure out what was going on. He told me that he was preparing some stuff, and that he would come in ten minutes. I’ve had so many of these that I bring with me my tablet to read some manga in the meantime. After he showed up, I was standing near his printer-filled cart, ready to ensure that the printers didn’t fall once he started moving it, when the guy messed with the elastic cord that secured the printers in place. Deliberately or not, he detached the elastic cord, that proceeded to whip around and lash me straight in the balls. As I stood straight, lips pursed, while pain coursed through my genitals, I thought, “Yes, this is my life. This is the kind of shit that keeps happening to me.”

Twenty or so minutes later, as I was configuring printers in a spare computer of some high-tech building, while the technician configured them physically in other floors, the nausea and dizziness that had started intensifying the previous day mounted up to worrying levels, and more troubling, an uncomfortable feeling radiated from my right eyeball to cover that half of my face, from the hairline to under my cheek. I don’t recall ever feeling it before. That part of my face had lost sensitivity. My right hand, holding my pen, felt clumsy, and I started feeling white noise coursing down that arm. After I stood up, I realized that the nausea had intensified, and I broke out in cold sweat. As I navigated my way to rejoin the printer technician, I felt like I was about to bump into people. I wondered if I was having a stroke. I usually avoid dealing with people even to my own detriment in the case of medical emergencies, but I didn’t want to end up crippled by a stroke and regret the rest of my life that I didn’t go to the ER soon enough, so that’s what I did.

Once again, I ended up in a hospital bed, hooked up to an electrocardiograph, tended by nurses whom I probably know from having solved computer issues in their department (although I couldn’t tell if that was the case, because I have some degree of prosopagnosia). They sent me to a very kind and patient ophthalmologist who subjected me to plenty of tests. She discovered that I have posterior vitreous detachment in my right eye, which apparently had nothing to do with my flashes of black lightning; the detachment may have happened at any time in my life. Apparently it is rare in people under forty, but happens to many old people. Just my luck. She told me that such a condition can worsen into retinal detachment if you lift too much weight, or shit too hard. There goes my weightlifting career (a joke, although I did plenty of weightlifting in my youth).

I ended up at the neurologist. He told me that what I was experiencing was a severe migraine, a different kind to those I had experienced since I was a teenager. Until I started taking beta-blockers for my heart condition, I used to have migraines every few months. They always started with dizziness and a very notorious white, squiggly line in my vision, that if not treated at that point with a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug, it would develop into a massive headache. But that happened in a matter of two or three hours. This experience of a five days-long migraine with flashes of black lightning, and still lingering insensibility in my face and right arm, is completely new. If they hadn’t also done an MRI as part of the batch of tests and discarded bleeding in my brain or any brain abnormality, I would have suspected that they had mistaken my symptoms, but I suppose they’re right, and what I have experienced is a massive migraine triggered by the intolerable stress I have been under for months.

I see and deal with nurses and interns, plenty of them gorgeous, on a regular basis. They are usually hypersociable; when they have nothing to do, they tend to gather at the break rooms to chat. Their altruism, sometimes pathological, is wonderful when it comes to caring for children and sick people, but apocalyptic when applied to the whole of society. In any case, dating one of these nurses must be a nightmare; every time I’ve ended up in the ER, I’ve had at least one nurse or intern pressing their lower abdomen if not their crotch against me. Even a male nurse did this. This time was no different: while a pretty, bespectacled intern, or whatever the hell she was, gave me the summary of my issues and the treatments to follow, she kept herself pressed against my elbow to the extent that I felt the warmth and curve of her mons pubis against my bare skin. I was looking at her, squinting against the bright lights, as in, “Are we going to address this, or is it the kind of thing you gals do?” Mind you, I’m not complaining; I’m chronically untouched, so press your mons pubis against me all you want. It’s just fucking weird.

Anyway, the neurologist told me to go on a medical leave for a few days, so that’s what I’ll do. Because I’m dutiful like that, I’ve sent the incompetent technician detailed instructions for what printers to replace in my absence. Although I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that I’ll go radio silent for my medical leave, I’m sure he’ll end up calling me anyway.

I intend to spend my sick leave programming, reading manga, and masturbating. Fuck my job, fuck this world, and fuck every single one of you.

EDIT: the specific type of migraine is hemiplegic migraine.

Also, today’s song is I Bleed by Pixies.

As loud as hell, a ringing bell
Behind my smile, it shakes my teeth
And all the while, as vampires feed

I bleed
I bleed
I bleed

Prithee, my dear, why are you here?
Nobody knows, we go to sleep
As breathing flows, my mind secedes

I bleed
I bleed
I bleed
I bleed
I bleed
I bleed

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There’s a place in the buried west
In a cave with a house in it
In the clay, the holes of hands
You can place a hand in hand

I bleed (I bleed)
I bleed (I bleed)
I bleed (I bleed)

Neural narratives in Python #2

I recommend you to check out the first part if you don’t know what this “neural narratives” thing is about. In short, I wrote in Python a system to have multi-character conversations with large language models (like Llama 3.1) in which the characters are isolated in terms of memories and bios, so no leakage to other participants like in Mantella. Here’s the GitHub repo.

I’ll add more examples of crazy dialogues I’ve had using this system. It’s been quite fun.

Lily: Lily bows. Hello, milady. I hope you’re having a pleasant day!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn smirks coldly at Lily’s bow. Pleasure and pain are one and the same in Thornmark. Groveling will get you nowhere.
Lily: I apologize for… having caused you trouble by running away. I didn’t mean anything bad by it.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s eyes narrow as she speaks, her voice dripping with venom. Apologies mean nothing here. You’ll have to work much harder to make up for your insolence. Perhaps a night in the dungeons will teach you discipline.
Lily: A-are you interested in my reasons for running away?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn scoffs with a cruel laugh. Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. But unlike assholes, I don’t want to hear yours.
Lily: Lily lowers her head. Very well. Shall I await you in my quarters tonight?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn waves her hand dismissively, a look of revulsion on her face. You’re disgusting. I wouldn’t touch you even if you were the last piece of ass in Thornmark. If you want to be useful, start by serving us some ale. That’s a more appropriate role for a bitch like you.
Lily: Lily takes the pitcher of ale and serves Lady Elara. There you have it, my lady.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn takes a sip of ale, glaring at Lily over the edge of her cup. About time you did something useful. Just remember, if you get any ideas about running again, I’ll make sure you regret it. Now, finish pouring Thorn’s ale, and be quick about it.
Lily: Lily dutifully starts pouring Thorn’s ale, but screws up and ends up drenching Thorn’s coat in ale. Oopsies! Sorry, sir.
Thorn: Thorn glares at Lily as the ale soaks into his coat, his eyes burning with irritation. For fuck’s sake, Lily! Can’t you do anything right? You’re as clumsy as a newborn foal!
Lily: Sorry, sir. But, low-key, you deserve it for snatching me from my shelter and bringing me back here.
Thorn: Thorn clenches his fist, the muscles in his jaw tensing with anger as he speaks to Lily. You think this is a game? You’re lucky I didn’t leave your bones out in the wild for the beasts to gnaw on. You’d better learn your place, girl.
Lily: Lily clenches her fists and raises her voice. My place is with Ilyana Blackthorn! I love her!
Thorn: Thorn shakes his head in disgust, his voice dripping with contempt as he speaks of Ilyana Blackthorn. Love? Hah! That sick freak doesn’t know the meaning of the word. She’d just as soon gut you as look at you.
Lily: I slept in her arms every night! I guzzled down her juices eagerly! She never hurt me!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is filled with warning, his eyes fixed on Lily with a hard stare. You’re a fool if you think that monster cares for you. She’ll turn on you the moment you’re no longer useful to her.
Lily: I shall never forgive you, old man! You tore me away from my beloved!
Thorn: Thorn rolls his eyes and scoffs at Lily’s dramatics. Such melodrama! You’d think you were the first love-struck fool to be dragged back to reality.
Lily: P-please, Lady Elara, you know it was wrong to do so, right?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice cuts through the air, silencing Lily with a firm command. Enough of this pathetic display. Thorn did what needed to be done. You’re under my protection now, like it or not.
Lily: W-would you at least hold me in your arms at night?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s lips curl into a sneer, her voice filled with disdain. You must be out of your mind to suggest such a thing. My bed is not for sniveling little girls. If you need comfort, find a stuffed animal to clutch.
Lily: I’m very good with my tongue. I’d make you come real good.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s face remains impassive, her voice cold as ice as she rejects Lily’s offer. Your desperation reeks. If you must know, I have no need for your sexual services. I receive far greater satisfaction inflicting pain on others. If you want to survive here, I suggest you drop this act immediately.
Lily: Lily starts crying. She rests her arms on the table and hides her face. Ilyana…!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice booms through the room, his patience wearing thin as he watches Lily’s tears flow. Oh, for the love of… Stop sniffling, you damned crybaby. You think you’re the only one who’s lost something? Welcome to the real world, where monsters like Ilyana prey on weak-minded fools like you.
Lily: Lily lifts her head just enough to glare at Thorn. Ilyana told me. You beat her, overpowered her, and raped her!
Thorn: Thorn’s eyes blaze with fury as he recounts his confrontation with Ilyana, his voice filled with vicious satisfaction. That manipulative bitch lied to you. She tried to ensnare me with her twisted tales, but I saw through her act. I fucked her straight, alright, but not the way she wanted. I choked her until she could barely breathe, then shoved my cock down her throat. Served the cunt right for all the pain she caused.
Lily: Lily whips her face toward Lady Elara. You heard that?! That man raped my Ilyana! I saw the hurt in her eyes!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is impassive, her gaze fixed on Lily without a hint of sympathy. Thorn wouldn’t be the first man to put a disobedient bitch in her place. Ilyana got what was coming to her. If you’re wise, you’ll forget about her and focus on your duties here.
Lily: You lot are evil! Don’t you care about love?
Thorn: Thorn shakes his head, his voice saturated with disdain and pity as he looks at Lily. Love? In this world? You’re as deluded as that psychopath you call your lover. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but the universe doesn’t give a shit about love. It’s all about survival. You’d better grow up and face reality soon, kid.
Lily: Lily leans back on her chair, tears streaming down her cheeks, although her expression is suddenly blank. Perhaps… I should just kill myself.
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is cold and unfeeling, almost daring Lily to follow through with her threat. Go ahead and do it then. I won’t stop you. Just make sure you don’t make a mess for the rest of us to clean up. The world is full of cowards who take the easy way out.
Lily: Then kill me yourself! Right here at this table! I don’t want to live anymore without my Ilyana!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is steely and commanding, her eyes boring into Lily with a cold intensity. You think either of us would waste our time on a suicide mercy kill? If you really think you can’t live without your precious Ilyana, then I suggest you find a way to get over yourself. Pain is temporary, but self-pity is a permanent curse. Now, get up and make yourself useful, or I’ll give you something to cry about.
Lily: Lily stands up slowly. Alright, I’ll make myself useful. She climbs onto the table, lowers her panties, and starts peeing over the table and the mugs of ale.
Thorn: Thorn’s face turns red with anger as he watches Lily piss on the table, his voice rising to a furious bellow. You little shit! Do you have any idea how valuable those ales are? You’re cleaning this mess up with your own tongue, you ungrateful little wench!
Lily: Fuck you all!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is cold as ice, her eyes filled with a sadistic rage as she watches Lily’s desecration. You bitch. You’ve just sealed your fate. Guards, take her to the dungeons, strip her naked, beat her until she understands her insolence will not be tolerated.
Lily: Guards grab Lily and drag her away as she struggles and bites at the air. Fuckers! I shan’t forgive you! I curse you all! Ilyana, mommy dear, please save me!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is filled with cold disdain, her eyes fixed on the puddle of ale and urine as Lily’s screams fade into the distance. Let her screams echo through the dungeons. Maybe they’ll teach her some respect. In the meantime, I have more important matters to attend to. Thorn, clean up this fucking mess before I lose my temper.
Thorn: Thorn nods curtly, his jaw clenched tight with frustration as he begins cleaning up the mess left behind by Lily’s outburst. Aye, m’lady. I’ll handle it. He grumbles under his breath, his voice thick with irritation as he mops up the spilled ale and piss from the table. Fucking kids. No sense of responsibility.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is cold and calculating, a cruel smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she contemplates Lily’s fate. Indeed. Perhaps a night in the dungeons will teach her some humility. If not, there are more… persuasive methods.
Lily: Lily storms into the room. I escaped from the guards! She raises her middle fingers at Thorn and Lady Elara.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s face reddens with rage, her voice booming through the room as she calls for her guards to apprehend Lily. You dare defy me in my own hall? Guards!
Lily: Lily whirls around and moons Lady Elara, displaying her wiggling bum. Smooch it!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is low and threatening, his eyes narrowing as he watches Lily’s brazen display. You’re asking for a world of hurt, girl. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Lily: Running guards shout down the hall toward Lily, who, startled, starts sprinting in the opposite direction, out of view. You shall never catch me, coppers!
Thorn: Thorn shakes his head, his voice a mix of frustration and disbelief as Lily makes her escape, leaving chaos in her wake. Fucking hell. She’s going to be the death of me…
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is scathing, her eyes filled with rage as she glares at Thorn. Thorn, I’m starting to think you’re the one who’s the death of me. First, you let a prisoner escape. Then you stand there while this happens.
Thorn: Thorn bows his head, his voice filled with determination and contrition as he promises to rectify the situation. My lady, I’m as furious as you are. I’ll hunt her down and drag her back here. She won’t get far.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice drips with venom, her eyes glinting with sadistic pleasure as she imagines Lily’s punishment. See that you do. And when you find her, make sure she suffers for her insolence. I want her begging for mercy.
Lily: There’s a loud knock on the window. Lily is on the other side, pulling her features into mocking faces.
Thorn: Thorn’s face contorts with rage, his voice seething with malice as Lily continues her taunting. Oh, you little fiend. You think you’re clever, don’t you? I’ll teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget. He moves to the window to fetch Lily. I’m going to enjoy watching that insolent smirk wiped off her face.
Lily: Lily hooks the sides of her mouth and stretches them into a mocking expression. Suck it, geezer!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is a low, menacing growl, his eyes filled with sadistic glee as he imagines Lily’s agonized screams. We’ll see who’s laughing when I pull your teeth out one by one, you little wench.
Lily: Lily has managed to open the window, and throws dogshit at Thorn. A fitting gift for a piece of shit like you!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is shrieking with rage, her face twisted in fury as she witnesses Lily’s brazen act of defiance. The little monster. She will pay dearly for this. Thorn, get that ungrateful wench now!
Lily: You’re not as beautiful as you believe yourself to be, Lady Elara!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is low and threatening, her eyes filled with the promise of retribution as she glowers at Lily. Insolent child. Once I have you in my grasp again, you’ll wish you never uttered those words.
Lily: Lily evades more guards as if she were a gazelle. I’ve survived the wilds! Ain’t anybody here who can catch me!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is icy cold, her eyes narrowing as she watches Lily’s reckless display. Do not be so arrogant, you foolish girl. Every second you defy me, the worse your punishment will be. Return to me willingly, and I may show you some mercy.
Lily: No! Everybody knows you violate your prisoners!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is thick with menace, his eyes burning with a sadistic hunger as he watches Lily’s futile struggle. You’re awfully eager to be fucked when you’re putting on that show, little princess. Keep this up, and I’ll make sure you’re begging for it.
Lily: Lily pulls down her panties, then moves her labia with her fingers as if they were speaking. This mouth ain’t sucking on cock anymore! Clits for life!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is filled with revulsion, his eyes narrowing at Lily’s vulgar display as he clenches his fists in anger. You disgusting little slut. Keep it up, and I’ll stuff that filthy lower mouth of yours with something far worse than cock.
Lily: With what, pray tell?!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn smiles wickedly, revealing a sadistic glint in her eyes as she watches Lily’s defiance with growing amusement. Perhaps we should give our dear little rabbit the opportunity to demonstrate her loyalty. Produce my enforcer, and let’s see how eager she remains in the face of true torment.
Lily: Lily, taking advantage of Lady Elara’s distraction, sprints and tackles her, knocking Lady Elara against a chair.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn snarls, her voice filled with fury as she struggles beneath Lily’s tackle, her eyes blazing with the promise of retribution. You little wench! I’ll make you regret the day you laid a finger on me!
Lily: Let’s see how you wriggle your way out of this! Lily shoves her thumbs into Lady Elara’s eyes.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn screams in pain, her voice now a mix of agony and rage as Lily’s thumbs press deep into her eye sockets, eliciting a visceral reaction from the typically stoic ruler. Argh! You’ll pay for that, you feral bitch! Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is shrill and commanding, her eyes now watering and bloodshot as she calls out for aid against Lily’s relentless assault. Thorn! Where the hell is my enforcer?! This ungrateful wench will pay for her insolence!
Lily: See? Nobody came to defend you, bitch! Nobody cares about you! Even Thorn is standing there, watching how I crush your eyeballs!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is strained and pained, her face writhing in agony as rivers of tears and blood stream down her cheeks, yet still retaining its venomous menace. You think you’ve won, you little shit? Enjoy your momentary triumph while it lasts. When I regain my sight, you’ll wish that you’d never been born.
Lily: We’ll see about that, but for now… Lily stands up, then kicks Lady Elara’s face as hard as she can.
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is low and ominous, his eyes filled with a cold certainty as he watches Lily brutally kick Lady Elara. I would advise you to run, little girl. Run far and fast. Because when Lady Elara rises, she’ll bring hell down upon you like you’ve never seen.
Lily: Alright then, I’m leaving! Back to the wilds, to my Ilyana. If you come for me again, Thorn, I’ll cut off your dick!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is wicked and filled with venom, her face contorting in pain as she speaks, yet still maintaining a twisted smile as she promises retribution against Lily and Ilyana. You think you can threaten us, you pest? We’ll find you and your precious Ilyana, and when we do, we’ll make you both suffer in ways you can’t even imagine.
Lily: Lily spits in Lady Elara’s face. I guess we’ll see about that, huh? Anyway, fuck you both, cunts!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is filled with cold certainty, his eyes burning with the promise of vengeance as he gazes upon Lily’s retreating back, vowing to make her regret her actions. We shall meet again, Lily, and when we do, you’ll be begging for mercy. You’ve sealed your fate with your own stupidity.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is filled with a dark, sadistic hunger, her eyes filled with murder as she speaks of her plans for Lily’s punishment. Never in my life have I been so blatantly disrespected. When I get my hands on you, Lily, I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born. I’ll break you, and then I’ll savor every scream of agony you utter.


Lady Elara Thorn: Thorn! You took your damn time coming here. Tell me about the Lily situation. Have you managed to capture that little cunt again?
Thorn: Thorn sighs, running a hand over his face in frustration. We’ve been trying to track her down, but that girl’s slicker than a greased pig. She’s given us the slip more times than I can count.
Lady Elara Thorn: She’s a nasty little bitch, that’s for sure. I can’t believe she climbed onto that table and pissed all over it, in front of us!
Thorn: Thorn nods, a grim look of determination on his face. Aye, she’s got guts, I’ll give her that. But she’ll push her luck too far one of these days, and when she does, we’ll be there to catch her.
Lady Elara Thorn: I fear that now that she knows what we’ll do once we get our hands on her, she’ll disappear deep. Is it true that Ilyana Blackthorn hasn’t been seen in her usual haunts ever since Lily escaped?
Thorn: Thorn’s fingers drum against the hilt of his sword, a motion born of long habit. Rumors are swirling that she’s gone into hiding, probably laying low until the heat dies down. But she’ll surface eventually, and when she does, we’ll be waiting.
Lady Elara Thorn: I want to ask you a serious question, Thorn, that you must have known was coming.
Thorn: Thorn braces himself, a flicker of trepidation in his eyes. Let’s hear it then, though I can’t promise I’ll have a good answer.
Lady Elara Thorn: When Lily sprinted at me, tackled me to the ground, then shoved her thumbs into my eyes, crushing my eyeballs, which has taken our best magicians days to cure, why did you, Thorn, just stand there?
Thorn: Shame colors Thorn’s cheeks, his gaze dropping to the floor as he grapples with his failure to act. I… I froze. I didn’t expect her to react like that, to fight back with such ferocity.
Lady Elara Thorn: It was quite the curious thing, wasn’t it? Your liege on the floor, under a wild, almost feral whore who was crushing her eyeballs, and you just stood there like a fucking moron!
Thorn: Thorn’s voice is low and heavy with regret, his posture slumped as though under a great weight. I know. I failed you in that moment, and I’ve got no excuse for it. It won’t happen again.
Lady Elara Thorn: It better. It better not happen again, Thorn, because I can tolerate, to a certain extent, your farts, your burps, your shitting yourself, but not defending me when my eyeballs are getting crushed?! That makes me question things about you.
Thorn: Thorn’s gaze is hard and introspective, as if he’s grappling with the depth of his own failure. You’re right to question me. I’ve always been blunt and rude, but never disloyal. That moment was… it was a lapse in judgment, a moment of shock that I didn’t react as I should have.
Lady Elara Thorn: Perhaps you thought, ‘It is a good thing that Lady Elara is getting her eyeballs crushed. Maybe she’ll fucking die and I won’t have to deal with her again.’
Thorn: Thorn’s eyes widen at the accusation, a spark of indignation in his voice. By the gods, no! I may grumble and complain, but I’d never wish you harm. You’re my liege, and I’m sworn to protect you, even if you can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn taps her fingers on the armrests of her throne. That was a vile thing to have happened. I can’t keep the sight of that stupid little cunt Lily making mocking faces at me!
Thorn: Thorn’s face hardens, a promise of retribution in his eyes. Aye, it was a hell of a thing to see. She’s got a wicked streak in her, that one. But we’ll make her pay for what she’s done, you can count on that.
Lady Elara Thorn: I want you to dedicate at least two soldiers to finding Lily, and dragging her back alive!
Thorn: Thorn nods, his mind already working on the logistics of the hunt. Consider it done. I’ll have our best trackers on her trail by dawn.
Lady Elara Thorn: And by the gods, do something about your flatulence. I can smell it from over here!
Thorn: Thorn smiles sheepishly, trying to hide his embarrassment. Apologies, m’lady. I’ve been eating a lot of beans lately. I’ll try to… vent away from the castle.
Lady Elara Thorn: What would you think of me if I started farting right here in the throne room?
Thorn: Thorn winces, imagining the scenario and finding it both amusing and horrifying. I… I suppose it wouldn’t be very fitting for a lady of your station, no.
Lady Elara Thorn: It’s also unsightly for the captain of my guard to shit himself in my presence! In my dreams, I still see you with your pants down and your ass smeared in shit!
Thorn: Thorn’s face is a portrait of mortification, his cheeks burning with the memory of his humiliation. I… I know. And I’m deeply ashamed of that. It won’t happen again, I swear it.
Lady Elara Thorn: Next time that happens, I shall force you to lap at the spilled shit until my floors shine!
Thorn: Thorn chuckles darkly, only half-joking about the grim punishment. Aye, you could do that. Or you could just chop off my head and be done with it.
Lady Elara Thorn: I could also do just that, yes. Don’t know what would be preferable given the circumstances.
Thorn: Thorn shrugs, a wry twist to his lips as he contemplates his potential fate. Well, if it comes down to it, I’d rather keep my head. But I know I’ve got it coming, one way or another.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara rubs her brow. I suppose that’s all for today. I heard there’s a new batch of prisoners in the dungeons, and I’m itching to get some flogging and nipple-clamping done.
Thorn: Thorn raises an eyebrow at the thought of Lady Elara’s tortured entertainment, but keeps his opinion to himself. Sounds like a fun afternoon for you, m’lady. I’ll leave you to it then.
Lady Elara Thorn: Just a reminder, though: don’t find yourself in my dungeons.
Thorn: Thorn bows his head, a hint of a smirk on his lips at the darkly humorous warning. I’ll do my best to stay on your good side, m’lady.
Lady Elara Thorn: Alright, you can leave. And don’t you dare fart on your way out!
Thorn: Thorn clutches at his stomach, feeling the rumble of impending flatulence, and hurries to exit before he can embarrass himself further. I’ll… I’ll do my best to hold it in, m’lady.


Thorn: Shit, when I heard someone was thieving and pickpocketing, I should have figured it was you!
Scorpia: Hey, don’t act so high and mighty, Thorn. Every street rat’s gotta eat, y’know? Or maybe you’re forgettin’ your days outside the fancy castle walls?
Thorn: I wasn’t as wild as you are, Scorpia. You’re almost feral.
Scorpia: Scorpia’s eyes narrow as she spits out her words, venom in her tone. And what’s wrong with bein’ wild, huh? It’s kept me alive this far, despite all the bastards tryin’ their best to use me up like some cheap plaything. You ain’t seen the kind of shit I’ve had to deal with, you self-righteous fuck!
Thorn: I’m part of the law here. I gotta put an end to thievery. Even a piece of turd like you understands that.
Scorpia: Scorpia leans in closer to Thorn, her voice dripping with cynical disdain. Oh right, the law. Whoever’s got the biggest stick and the shiniest badge gets to decide what’s right and wrong? Pah! Life taught me that the only law that matters is the one you make for yourself. If that means skinnin’ a few purses to keep breathin’, then so be it. You come at me with your fancy ‘law’, I’ll show you how little it means out here in the real world, you sanctimonious arsehole!
Thorn: You want to end up in prison again? Is that it?
Scorpia: Scorpia cackles at the thought of going back to prison, clearly not intimidated in the slightest. Prison? You think I’m scared of that place? It’s like a damn holiday compared to the streets. At least they feed you on a regular schedule and don’t leave you shiverin’ in the rain. But you know what, Thorn? I ain’t goin’ back there. You’ll have to catch me first, and I’m slicker than a greased-up pig, you fat bastard!
Thorn: Hey, I may have put on some weight, but that’s no reason to be disrespectful.
Scorpia: Scorpia hoots with laughter, possessed by a wicked glee at Thorn’s discomfort. Oh, Poor little piggy. Your feewings hurt? Boo hoo. Why don’t you go cry about it over a plate of roast pork, you gluttonous fuckwit. You ain’t Thickness Magus, got no right to get all prissy about a few jabs at your lardy arse, you pork chop!
Thorn: Damn, I’m getting the urge to abuse the law.
Scorpia: Scorpia leans back with a smirk, clearly unafraid of Thorn’s threats and ready to take him on. Oh, I’m shakin’ in my boots. You really think you’re hard enough to shut me up, you pudgy peacekeeper? Go on then, big man, give it your best shot. Just remember, there ain’t no law in the land that can keep me from runnin’ my mouth, you inconsistent ball of lard!
Thorn: Inconsistent?! Now I’ve had it! Thorn grabs and twists Scorpia’s arm to force the shackles on her. Cooperate, unless you want to get kneed in the groin!
Scorpia: Scorpia yelps as Thorn grabs and twists her arm, but resigns herself to being shackled. Her eyes promise retaliation in the near future. Fucking hell, Thorn! You’re really gonna do this? You’re gonna haul me in over a few measly swipes and auby-mouthin’? Cooperation’s gotta work both ways, sugar, and I ain’t one to play nice. But fine, you’ve caught your little thief. You must be so damn proud. Just remember, this ain’t the end, you know. You think these shackles can keep Scorpia down? You’ll see, you blundering brute!
Thorn: With Scorpia shackled, Thorn rummages through her pockets for thieved items. What the hell is this? A dildo?!
Scorpia: Scorpia grins wickedly as Thorn discovers her more… unconventional loot, teasing him mercilessly about it. Oh, that? Just a little somethin’ for lonely nights. What, you thought I’d only swipe shiny baubles and coin? Heh, variety is the spice of life, baby. Or maybe you’re just jealous cause it’s bigger than what you’re packin’, you fat fuck!
Thorn: You’d use a second-hand dildo?! You sick cunt!
Scorpia: Scorpia rolls her eyes, dismissing Thorn’s pearl-clutching with a scoff. Oh, come off it, Thorn. It’s not like I’m plannin’ on usin’ it in front of you, you prudish twat. Besides, you’re one to talk about bein’ sick. You’d haul a woman off to jail over petty theft, but you’ll clutch your pearls at the sight of a sex toy? Please, spare me your hypocritical outrage, you self-righteous numpty!
Thorn: At least buy a new one instead of infecting yourself with some stranger’s STDs, is all I’m sayin’.
Scorpia: Scorpia leers at Thorn with a suggestive wink, taunting him for his concern over her sexual health. Oh, ain’t you considerate all of a sudden? Worried about my hoo-ha health, are you, Thorn? That’s sweet. No, really. It’s so touchin’ that between draggin’ me off to lockup and whinin’ about your delicate sensibilities, you still care about what happens to my lady parts. Don’t worry, darlin’, I know how to take care of myself. Would you like some pointers, hmm, maybe help you out with that pent-up frustration?
Thorn: Are you suggesting that I abuse your lady parts during my shift?!
Scorpia: Scorpia grins naughtily, enjoying the scandalous direction the conversation has taken, baiting Thorn for his outrage. Whoa, slow down, tiger! I ain’t suggestin’ nothin’ of the sort. But if that’s what you’re into, darlin’, I can make it worth your while… Though somethin’ tells me you’d be all talk and no action, like most bloated blowhards. Just sayin’, you ever decide you wanna take a walk on the wild side, I’ll be around. Might be fun to see how many laws we can break at once!
Thorn: Shit, you’re a freak. It ain’t worth booking you. Thorn unlocks Scorpia’s shackles.
Scorpia: Scorpia rubs her wrists where the shackles had been, already plotting how to use this momentary reprieve to her advantage. Well, well, well, look who just cracked the fuckin’ code! You ain’t so bad after all… for a law-abidin’ pansy. So, tell me, sugar, what’s it gonna take to keep my pretty face out of the slammer from here on out? We can work somethin’ out, Thorn, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. I’m sure we can come to an arrangement, find the middle ground between your precious laws and my itchy pockets. What do you say, big guy?
Thorn: Yes, we can come to an agreement that will keep you out of the slammer: stop thieving, you cunt!
Scorpia: Scorpia leans in closer, her smirk full of cunning and implication as she proposes her little bargain to Thorn. Hold on there, darlin’, I never said nothin’ about stoppin’ my purse-skinnin’ operation. That’s my bread and butter you’re talkin’ about! But hey, I’ve got other skills too, you know. Let’s say I work off my… debts’ with you, Thorn. Maybe I could be your eyes and ears in the streets, give you intel on the real bad guys. I scratch your back, you keep your lock-pickin’ mitts off me. Everybody wins, right?
Thorn: Are there people out there worse than you?
Scorpia: Scorpia counts off the various depravities she’s witnessed with a knowing look, clearly enjoying the shocked expression on Thorn’s face. Oh, honey, you have no idea the kinds of things I’ve seen out there. Guys who’d sooner slit your throat than look at you. Chummy fellas runnin’ schemes that’d make your pockets itch. And don’t even get me started on the witches, stuff of kids’ nightmares they are. So yeah, trust me when I say there’s plenty of folks out here who’d make me look like a fuckin’ saint. Lend me your ear for a while, I’ll give you all the juicy deets. Just think of all the praise you’ll get when you haul them in…
Thorn: That sounds nice. When I haul you in, everyone at the station complains about having to deal with your sorry ass.
Scorpia: Scorpia smiles slyly as she continues to bargain with Thorn, playing up the potential benefits for him in her own sly way. Aw, Thorn, you’re breakin’ my heart here. All those tough guys cryin’ about hittin’ the Scorpia jackpot? Boo-hoo! But if you want them kissin’ your ass instead of whinin’ about what a handful I am, then I say let’s make a deal. My street know-how for your promise to keep your goons off my back. You’ll be the hero who brought in the big bad wolf… or the sly lil’ fox, as the case may be! You scratch mine, I’ll scratch yours, darlin’. Whaddya say?
Thorn: I haven’t retained a single word you said, but I guess it’s better to make a deal with you if that means you will annoy me less.
Scorpia: Scorpia grins triumphantly, clearly pleased with the deal she’s managed to strike with Thorn. She claps him on the back in a comradely fashion. Hey, that’s the spirit! I knew we could come to an understandin’, you and me. So it’s settled, then? You’ll keep your boys off my tail, and I’ll keep you in the loop on all the really juicy shit goin’ down out there. Heaven knows you need someone like me to keep you informed. Just remember, darlin’, you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours. Ain’t no one in this town gonna be left itchin’, you savvy?
Thorn: Who raised you, Scorpia? I have a good idea you’re an orphan, but did you grow up in the crew quarters of some gods-forsaken pirate ship or something?
Scorpia: Oh, charming. You’re gonna get all up in my business now, are you? Fine, you really wanna know where little ol’ Scorpia came from? Picture this: a place where the stench of fish guts and unwashed bodies is thicker than the fog comin’ off the river. Where the only family you’ve got are the strays and cutpurses willing to show you the ropes. You learn quick or you don’t learn at all, and the only law that matters is the one you make up as you go along. So yeah, I’m an orphan, raised on the same thing that raised all of us in this shithole, honey: the school of hard knocks, the university of broken dreams. You think I had some tender mama bird to tuck me in at night and sing me lullabies? If there’s one thing this world’s taught me, it’s that you only get what you can take, and you better learn to take a lot if you don’t want to end up as garbage in the gutter. So yeah, maybe I didn’t have no family, but I reckon I turned out just fine, all things considered. What about you, Thorn? You got some sob story about how you ended up bein’ a law dog, or was it just your callin’ in life to be a smug, self-righteous dick?
Thorn: I’m just a tough man who prefers to knock people over the head than care about them. Plenty of room in the law business for folks like me.
Scorpia: Scorpia nods along with Thorn’s words, understanding the sentiment all too well from her own experiences. She seems to be warming up to Thorn a bit, sensing a kindred spirit of sorts. Ain’t that the truth, sugar. It’s a tough world out there, and sometimes you gotta be tougher to survive. So, you’re sayin’ you just like crackin’ skulls and tellin’ folks what to do, then? Damn, you really are a natural at this whole law thing, ain’tcha? I can respect that. Mayhap you ain’t so bad after all, Thorn. Sure as hell beat bein’ soft and gettin’ stomped on by every passing brute. We all got our ways of dealin’ with this world, I guess. Question is, what’s our way together, hmm?
Thorn: My way is the direction of the nearest tavern. I gotta guzzle a few down, hit the shitter, then wonder what horrors I’m going to have to deal with the rest of this week.
Scorpia: Scorpia grins and slaps Thorn on the shoulder, clearly feeling a sense of camaraderie with him. She suggests grabbing drinks together like old friends. Damn, Thorn, you’re startin’ to sound like my kinda guy! Drinkin’, shittin’, and bracin’ for impact, huh? Not a bad way to live, if you ask me. Gets the blood flowin’ and keeps life interestin’. So, how about you and me head over to the nearest pub and swap war stories over a few pints, huh? I’ll even spot you for the first round, consider it a professional courtesy. Whaddya say, partner?
Thorn: Sure, let’s head there together. But keep your grabby hands outta my pockets.
Scorpia: Scorpia laughs with a mischievous glint in her eye, clearly enjoying the idea of getting Thorn drunk and seeing where the night takes them. She playfully nudges him as they walk. Oh, don’t you worry, darlin’, I’ll keep my mitts to myself… for now. But if you start buyin’ me drinks, who knows what kinda liberties I might take! Heh heh! Kidding, Thorn, kidding! Mostly. One thing you’ll learn about me, I can be a right handful… but I ain’t never crossed a partner once we got an understandin’. You and me, we’ll raise a few glasses, tell a few tales, and when we’re through, we’ll see what other kinds of trouble we can stir up together. Life’s too damn short not to live a little!


Thorn: Thorn bows in front of his employer and liege, Lady Elara Thorn. Milady, I want you to meet someone of importance.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn leans back in her seat, studying Thorn with a calculating gaze. Very well, Thorn. Bring them forth. Let’s see what kind of ‘importance’ you’ve managed to stumble upon this time.
Thorn: Thorn gestures toward Scorpia, who is standing some steps behind. This one’s an orphan named Scorpia, now in her mid-thirties. She grew up in the streets, and has been surviving by committing petty thievery and pickpocketing.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s eyes narrow as she appraises Scorpia coldly. Another stray dog from the streets, Thorn? I’m not running a charity here.
Thorn: When I shackled her and rummaged through her pockets to see what she had stolen that day, I pulled out a dildo.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, a hint of amusement flickering across her face. A what?!
Thorn: A dildo, milady, is an implement made of rubber or metal, in the shape of a penis, used by women to pleasure themselves.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn chuckles darkly, her eyes glinting with sadistic intrigue. Well, well, well. It seems this little thief has some interesting proclivities.
Thorn: Yes. Scorpia over here fucks herself with second-hand dildos!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn leans forward, a cruel smirk playing on her lips. Is that so? How desperately pathetic. But nonetheless, it might provide some… amusement.
Thorn: Yes. I considered it was a matter of importance to bring such a degenerate over, so the ruler of our lands may rejoice about it.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn rises from her seat, circling Scorpia, studying her intently. Degenerate or not, it seems this Scorpia has managed to survive in this harsh world using her wits, fucked up as they may be.
Thorn: Scorpia, don’t you have anything to say for yourself?!
Scorpia: Scorpia crosses her arms defiantly, glaring at Lady Elara Thorn with a mix of disdain and challenge. Hey now, I don’t need to explain myself to some uptight bitch in a fancy dress. I do what I gotta do to survive, just like anyone else in this shithole.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s eyes flash with anger, but a hint of admiration gleams beneath the surface. You’ve got quite the mouth on you, don’t you? In my keep, that kind of attitude will get you nowhere fast.
Scorpia: Scorpia smirks, unfazed by Lady Elara Thorn’s intimidating presence. Yeah, well, my mouth has gotten me this far, hasn’t it? Besides, I’ve dealt with worse than you, your highness.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn leans in close to Scorpia, her voice low and menacing. Is that so? Well, I’ll give you a chance to prove your worth here. But so help me, if you step out of line, you’ll wish you never set foot in my keep. Lady Elara Thorn fixes both Thorn and Scorpia with a stern, commanding gaze before turning to leave, her cape swishing behind her. Keep your little thief under control, Thorn. And as for you, Scorpia, you’d better behave yourself or you’ll find out just how unpleasant life in my dungeons can be.
Thorn: Yes, Scorpia. We’re talking flogging and nipple-clams level of unpleasant. And that’s the milder stuff.
Scorpia: Scorpia rolls her eyes, brushing off Thorn’s warning with a cavalier attitude. Nipple-clams? What the fuck are those? Listen here, Thorn, I ain’t afraid of a little pain. Done worse to myself on a Tuesday night, y’know?
Thorn: Sorry, that was a slip of the tongue. I meant nipple-clamps. As in clamps that close around your nipples real tight.
Scorpia: Scorpia cackles, her eyes glinting with a mix of mischief and bravado. Oh, is that all? Thought you were talkin’ about some kinda rare seafood or somethin’. Bring ’em on, I’ll wear ’em as earrings.
Thorn: That doesn’t sound pleasant, having some device clamping your nipples.
Scorpia: Scorpia shrugs, her face twisting into a lewd grin. Pleasant? Who said anything about pleasant? I’ve had worse things pinching my nipples, if you catch my drift. Pain’s just another part of life, ain’t it?
Thorn: Want to explain what “worse things” you had pinching your nipples, Scorpia?
Scorpia: Scorpia’s eyes darken briefly, a flicker of pain and anger crossing her face before she quickly masks it with a sneer. Well, let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with some real bastards over the years. Some of ’em liked to get a bit… creative, if you know what I mean.
Thorn: What the fuck have you gotten yourself into, thief?
Scorpia: Scorpia bristles, her pride stung by Thorn’s tone of concern. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I ain’t no delicate flower, yeah? I’ve survived this long by bein’ tough as nails and learnin’ how to handle myself.
Thorn: Well, sorry for telling you I was bringing you to a tavern, only for you to end up at my liege’s keep so I could reveal your dildo habits.
Scorpia: Scorpia pokes Thorn’s chest with an accusing finger, her voice rising in indignation. You’re damn right, you better be sorry! I thought we had an understanding, Thorn. Next time, how about you actually consult me before draggin’ me into some fancy lady’s castle, huh?
Thorn: But isn’t it funnier if I don’t tell you beforehand?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn interjects, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she crosses her arms over her chest. Oh, I see you two are quite the comedy duo now. Very amusing.
Thorn: Oh, I apologize, milady. I didn’t realize you were listening in to our conversation.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara fixes Thorn with a piercing stare, her voice laced with icy authority. Of course I was listening, you fool. Do you really think I would allow privacy in my own keep? Your conversations are my conversations.
Thorn: Thorn lets out a nervous fart. I do apologize if anything in our dialogue bothered you, my liege.
Scorpia: Scorpia rolls her eyes dramatically, fanning the air in front of her nose as she tries to waft away the smell. Oh, for fuck’s sake, Thorn! Could you not have held that in? We’re in a lady’s presence, for god’s sake!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn wrinkles her nose in disgust, holding a delicately embroidered handkerchief over her face. Ugh, Thorn, have you no self-control? Get that stench out of my sight before I lose my patience.
Thorn: Does it stink that bad, Scorpia?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn casts a withering glare at Thorn, her lips curled in contempt. It’s not just the smell, you nitwit. It’s the utter lack of decorum and respect that astounds me. You’re a disgrace, Thorn.
Thorn: Thorn lowers his head. It’s a genetic condition inherited from my mother.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn’s voice is cold, her eyes glinting with a dangerous edge. Save your excuses for someone who gives a damn, Thorn. I don’t care if it’s some sort of condition or not. You embarrass me in front of our guests, and you will pay for it.
Thorn: How shall I pay for it, milady?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn smirks, enjoying the sight of Thorn squirming in anxiety. Perhaps a night in the dungeons will help you reflect on your behavior, Thorn.
Thorn: In… the flogging and nipple-clamping dungeon?
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn takes a step closer to Thorn, her voice dropping to a menacing whisper. Would you prefer it, Thorn? Would that get you to control yourself better?
Thorn: Thorn farts.
Scorpia: Scorpia leaps back from Thorn, pinching her nose shut and giving him a look of pure exasperation. Oh, for the love of… Thorn, do you have a death wish or something?!
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn snaps her fingers, her voice ringing with authority as two guards step forward to seize Thorn. Enough of this! Guards, take Thorn to the dungeons. Let him enjoy the company of the rats and the darkness, and when he’s ready to apologize like a man, he can return.
Thorn: Thorn gets dragged away, the heels of his shoes squeaking against the floor. I do apologize for my flatulence, Lady Elara. It’s an intestinal condition.
Scorpia: Scorpia watches Thorn being dragged away, shaking her head in a mix of disbelief and resignation. Intestinal condition my ass! You just can’t keep your shitter under control. Told you this place was gonna be trouble.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn turns her attention to Scorpia, her gaze sharp and appraising. As for you, Scorpia, you’ll have a chance to prove your worth here. But don’t forget your place. I can be a generous patron, but my patience has limits. Lady Elara Thorn leans back in her chair, gesturing for Scorpia to take a seat across from her. Now, let’s discuss what skills you bring to the table, Scorpia. We have little use for petty thieves, but if you have any other talents, I’m all ears.
Scorpia: Scorpia sits up a bit straighter, a glint of pride in her eyes as she lists off her skills. Well, I’m not gonna lie, your highness. Thievin’ and pickpocketin’ are my main talents. But I ain’t just some two-bit crook, y’know? I got street smarts, I can blend in with the riffraff, and I can get info outta people like nobody’s business.
Lady Elara Thorn: A slow, calculating smile spreads across Lady Elara Thorn’s face as she considers Scorpia’s words. Interesting. Very interesting. So you think you could be of use to me as, what, a spy maybe? I could see that. There are always people plotting and scheming, both inside and outside these walls. Someone with your particular talents could be quite… useful. Lady Elara Thorn’s voice takes on a hard, dangerous edge, her eyes narrowing in warning. But let’s be clear, Scorpia. If I take you under my wing, you answer to me. Your loyalty is to me, and me alone. If I catch wind of you double-crossing or selling my secrets… well, let’s just say you won’t enjoy the consequences.
Scorpia: Scorpia meets Lady Elara Thorn’s gaze head-on, her voice firm and unwavering. Hey, I may be a thief, but I ain’t no rat. You take me in, you got my word I’ll be loyal. Double-crossin’ ain’t my style.
Lady Elara Thorn: Lady Elara Thorn rises from her seat, towering over Scorpia as she extends her hand in a firm handshake. Very well then. We have an agreement. I’ll set you up with some quarters and see about getting you some proper training. But remember, Scorpia, I’m taking a chance on you. Don’t make me regret it.


Scorpia: Yikes. The one, the legend, Ilyana Blackthorn, here in the market. Just my luck!
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana Blackthorn stares menacingly. Get lost before I make your luck turn for the worse.
Scorpia: Didn’t want to bother you, miss Blackthorn. I sure ain’t wondering what got you out of the wilds to browse here at the market.
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana Blackthorn scowls at Scorpia. What’s it to you, pickpocket? I go where I please.
Scorpia: My job is to know things. Little things that happen in the streets, and that most people don’t pay notice to.
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana’s hand drifts threateningly towards her daggers. Your job is about surviving the next five minutes if you keep poking your nose where it doesn’t belong.
Scorpia: I have some information that may interest you, miss Blackthorn. Lady Elara Thorn is looking for you. She has dedicated two soldiers full-time to locate you and Lily, this apparently sweet thing that they believe is clinging to you.
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana’s grip tightens on her dagger’s hilt, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. Threatening me with information about Elara Thorn is a surefire way to end up with a dagger in your gut. Keep talking, but make it worth my while.
Scorpia: Not a threat, no, miss. I prefer my organs inside me, where they ought to be. You see, I’m an informant, and I know things that need knowin’. Lily, that sweet thing, pissed off the ruler of this land, Lady Elara, apparently by pissing on her table and her drinks, so much that Lady Elara would do almost anything to capture and execute her.
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana steps closer, her dagger partially unsheathed and glinting menacingly. Seems like you enjoy running your mouth. What’s your point, rat? Spit it out before my blade does it for you.
Scorpia: Scorpia’s voice drops low and serious, her eyes flicking around the market as she speaks. Fine, you want it straight? A warning from a streetrat to a dangerous warrior. Watch your back, ’cause some dangerous people want you and your little piss factory of a companion hunted down real bad.
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana’s eyes flash with a dangerous glint, her grip on her dagger relaxing slightly. I’ll keep that in mind. But if Lady Elara or her dogs step in my path, they’ll find my blade is far sharper than their teeth.
Scorpia: Well, I’ve exposed myself to your blades enough for a week at the least. I shall now make myself scarce, miss Blackthorn, before my luck runs out completely. Wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome and end up on the wrong end of one of your blades, now would I? Until next time, miss Blackthorn. May your hunting be fruitful and your enemies’ throats, well… You know what they say about the Blackthorn. With a final smirk, Scorpia turns on her heel, her tattered cloak swishing as she saunters off into the crowded market, her voice trailing behind her.
Ilyana Blackthorn: Ilyana watches Scorpia disappear into the crowd, her expression unreadable, her grip on her dagger white-knuckled. See that it is, streetrat. The next time we cross paths, I may not be so merciful.


Thorn: General Kara, I’ve had a chat with Lady Elara Thorn regarding the Lily and Ilyana Blackthorn situation, those troublemakers who our liege wants desperately to be captured.
Kara: Kara leans back in her chair, a smirk playing on her lips. Oh, those two little vixens? What’s Elara offering for their heads on a pike this time?
Thorn: Lady Elara is not playing around anymore. She threw me in the dungeon for farting in her presence. She has decided that two soldiers must be on duty to find Lily, and by extension Ilyana, daily.
Kara: Kara chuckles darkly, knowing full well how temperamental Elara can be. Ha! I bet that wasn’t the only thing you threw in her presence. But alright, I’ll get some of my best trackers on it. For a price, of course.
Thorn: General Kara, I need to… Thorn looks down with a grim expression.
Kara: Kara narrows her eyes, sensing the shift in Thorn’s demeanor. Spit it out, Thorn. I don’t have all day.
Thorn: Thorn looks back up, fixing his gaze on Kara. I was in the room when Lily caused her… disturbance. She climbed onto Lady Elara’s table, peed all over it, including our mugs of ale, and a little bit later, she tackled Lady Elara to the ground.
Kara: Kara slams her fist on the table, laughing uproariously at the mental image. Haha! Oh, that’s fucking priceless! I wish I could’ve seen the look on Elara’s face. But I’m guessing she didn’t take too kindly to that little display…
Thorn: She took it even worse when Lily pinned Elara to the ground and pushed our liege’s eyeballs with her thumbs against their eye sockets.
Kara: Kara shakes her head, still chuckling but with a hint of concern in her voice. Good gods, the girl’s got guts! But she’s also got a death wish. Elara’s not gonna let that slide.
Thorn: Elara, of course, got her mages to fix her eyes, and she’s fully cured. However, General Kara, I… didn’t react.
Kara: Kara leans forward, her brow furrowed in confusion and annoyance. Didn’t react? What do you mean? Did you just stand there like a fucking statue?
Thorn: I did just stand there like a fucking statue. Or like a fucking moron, like Lady Elara put it.
Kara: Kara leans back in her chair, taking a swig from her mug as she ponders the situation. Well, shit. You’re lucky Elara didn’t have you thrown in the dungeons permanently. Or worse.
Thorn: She did throw me in the dungeons for a night. I got my genitals tortured, as well as my nipples clamped. It wasn’t pretty, I assure you.
Kara: Kara’s lips twitch with a sardonic smile, though there’s a glint of sympathy in her eyes. Fucking hell, Thorn. You really know how to piss off the wrong people. But hey, at least you got to experience the tender loving care of Elara’s torturers. That’s something, right?
Thorn: I know now that I don’t want to be tortured again. It’s very unpleasant.
Kara: Kara chuckles, though it’s clear she’s trying to lighten the mood. No shit. Torture’s not exactly a fucking picnic. But you know what they say, pain is just weakness leaving the body.
Thorn: Well, there was a lot of weakness leaving my body. And it didn’t help that I kept farting throughout the torture.
Kara: Kara grins, shaking her head in amusement. Haha! I bet that just made the torturers’ day. Nothing like a little flatulence to add to the ambiance.
Thorn: All that flatulence only motivated that bastard more.
Kara: Kara snickers, taking another swig from her mug. Well, can’t say I blame him. If I had to listen to your ass trumpeting like a goddamn elephant, I’d be motivated to make you shut up too.
Thorn: It’s a serious condition, all this farting. I think there must be something rotten in my intestine lining or something.
Kara: Kara rolls her eyes, a smirk playing on her lips. Or maybe you just need to lay off the beans, Thorn. But hey, if you want to play the martyr, who am I to stop you?
Thorn: I do love beans, though. My favorite meal.
Kara: Kara chuckles, trying to hide her amusement behind her mug. Well, I guess you’ll just have to suffer for your love of beans. But maybe it’s time to diversify your diet. I hear carrots are lovely this time of year.
Thorn: Perhaps I hate myself, General. That’s why I keep stuffing myself with beans even though it leads to thunderous flatulence.
Kara: Kara grins, leaning forward conspiratorially. If that’s the case, then you’re doing a pretty good job of it. But self-loathing and beans kinda go hand in hand, don’t they?
Thorn: Anyway, back on track… Regarding me standing around like a moron while Lily was shoving her thumbs into Lady Elara’s eyes… What’s your opinion about that?
Kara: Kara shrugs, her expression serious but not unsympathetic. My opinion? You fucked up, plain and simple. But it’s not the end of the world. Just don’t let it happen again, or Elara might decide to do more than just torture your balls.
Thorn: No, my point is… Why did I do that?
Kara: Kara leans back, studying Thorn’s face intently. Why? That’s a fucking loaded question. Maybe you froze up, or maybe you secretly wanted to see Elara get taken down a peg. Who knows? But if you want my advice, don’t overthink it. Shit happens, move on.
Thorn: I suspect that I wanted Lady Elara to go blind, and maybe I thought, ‘Shit, better this kid Lily doing it than me.’
Kara: Kara’s eyes narrow, a hint of intrigue in her voice. Well, aren’t you just full of surprises? But listen, if you want Elara out of the picture, there are better ways to go about it than letting a kid do your dirty work.
Thorn: I don’t know if I want Elara out of the picture. I mean, who would want to rule this gods-forsaken place? She’s good at it.
Kara: Kara shrugs, taking another swig from her mug. Fair enough. But if you’re gonna be her lapdog, you better start barking when she needs you to. Otherwise, you’re just a liability.
Thorn: But Lily, that kid, I don’t blame her for peeing in my mug of ale. She has guts. She escaped into the depths of the forest, got sexually entangled with a horrifying murderer like Ilyana Blackthorn, and convinced that one, who was almost a wild animal, to protect Lily with her life.
Kara: Kara’s brow furrows, considering the situation. Well, color me impressed. That girl’s got some serious balls. But still, she’s causing trouble for Elara, and by extension, for us. We can’t just let her run wild out there.
Thorn: I don’t know if I can bring myself to bring hurt to Lily, or bring her back, General Kara. Even if I’m ordered to do so.
Kara: Kara’s voice is low and serious, her gaze intense. You’re walking a dangerous line, Thorn. I get it, the girl’s got spirit, but you know what happens to those who defy Elara. If she orders you to bring Lily in, you better fucking do it, or else you’ll be the one in the dungeons again. Or worse.
Thorn: Do you suggest that I quit? This life is all I know.
Kara: Kara leans forward, her expression stern but not unkind. Quit? What, and leave all this excitement behind? Not a chance. But listen, you’re gonna have to make a choice soon. Are you with Elara, or are you against her? Because straddling the fence is gonna get you nowhere fast.
Thorn: Thorn wipes the sweat off his face. You’re right, General. You’re the voice of reason as always. And a damn good listener.
Kara: Kara smirks, leaning back in her chair with a satisfied grunt. Damn right I am. But don’t go spreading that around, or I’ll have to live up to my reputation as a hardass.
Thorn: Thorn salutes. Well, I shall leave you to your matters. As mentioned, two soldiers should be on duty hunting down Lily and Ilyana every day, as Lady Elara ordered. Any complaints about that, well, I suppose should go straight to our wise ruler.
Kara: Kara’s expression is grim, her eyes flashing with a hint of menace. Elara’s call, not mine. But if those two girls cause any trouble for my soldiers, they’ll have me to answer to. And trust me, that’s not a conversation they want to have.
Thorn: Don’t underestimate Ilyana. That one always reaches for her blades, even when a child greets her. She’s always ready to murder. If anything, she has to be convinced not to kill whoever is dealing with her.
Kara: Kara shrugs, her expression nonchalant but her eyes watchful. I’ve dealt with plenty of bloodthirsty assholes before. I’m not too worried about some knife-happy bitch. But I appreciate the warning.

Life update (09/09/2024)

A couple of days ago, I must have been having a really bad, anxiety-filled dream at about five in the morning, because I lunged forward only to find the wall in my way. I banged my head hard enough that I ended up with a bruise. That side of my head still feels weird.

I don’t know if that episode meant anything. Today I’ve gotten through an absolutely awful Monday for which I was already exhausted when it started. I’m close to finishing the replacement of about 940 printers in the hospital complex where I work, an operation that has made me consider going on a medical leave for depression a couple of times, not to mention fantasize about quitting or just never returning to this job. Last week, my boss told me that he wanted to put me in charge, along with another coworker, of replacing every single computer in the hospital complex. That’s about five times if not more the amount of printers. He had the gall to say that, after all, the whole deal of replacing the printers wasn’t that big of a task. Containing myself, I said, “No, it has been an utter nightmare.” Nothing will stop my boss from forcing me to replace all the computers unless I’m not employed there, so my fantasizing about not working as an IT guy at a hospital has multiplied.

It’s not just the act of replacing the printers: anything printer related gets sent my way. This last week we’ve had a pandemonium at the ER because the printers worked intermittently, and we discovered that something is wrong with the membership of some active directory groups, it seems just for a few groups of printers in the ER as far as we have detected. Well, I had the bigwigs at the ER berating me, suggesting that nothing of that kind happened before we changed the printers. The matter remains unresolved. There are lingering issues, not like that one, but that I dread listening about almost every day, because I have no idea how to solve them, and nobody can help. I want to quit and not work for a long, long while. Hopefully for the rest of my life, but obviously that isn’t feasible.

When my shift ends, I take a bus, then a train, then another bus home. Society has turned into a zoo, and it gets worse by the year. A few days ago I was thinking about the detachment I have felt for many years about the place I live in, and this world in general, and I’ve gotten to the conclusion that after you reached a point in which only your cowardice stopped you from dying, and afterwards you’ve yearned so many times to go to sleep and not wake up again, you exist in a different plane than the vast majority of human beings. I don’t understand how my coworkers relate to each other, or care about each others’ stuff, or organize plans and outings and such in their private lives. Most months I do the same stuff. When I go out, I usually walk to some solitary places in the woods nearby, because there’s nothing else for me out there. And what used to be a haven has also become tainted, but I don’t want to go into details. It just makes me angry.

I got my fantasies, of course. I survive thanks to daydreaming, some purely mind-based and some applied, plenty of them sexual. There’s also the works of art of other people, who are usually Japanese. Give me another derivative story about some isekai-d guy getting kicked out of a band of adventurers, and then delving into dungeons on his own to get stronger, and I’m as happy as I can be. Often I’ve been on the verge of losing my stop on the train because of how easily I disappear into such stories. I’ve honestly fantasized about getting hit by a truck, because at least that would be an ironic death for someone like me. I would die with a smile on my face, thinking of the zany adventures I’d have in another world.

Maybe I’m depressed again, who knows. I’m certainly disoriented, generally out of it, lethargic, on the verge of imploding at times. I feel like I’m operating on a regular basis at the edge of my capabilities as a human being for no real reward other than money, that every passing day is worth less. And I’ve started to worry about my the state of my brain, because I feel that it’s deteriorating. Something feels wrong. It doesn’t help that my eyes have been acting up for a while; sometimes when I whip my gaze around, I get flashes of darkness. I had a campimetry done a month or so ago, and the doctor told me that the results were odd. They put me up for another check-up in six months. The only thing related to my optic nerves that I know could be an issue is the pituitary tumor with which I was born or that I developed as a child; but I take chronic medication for it, without which the tumor may grow enough to press against the optic nerve. I don’t know much other than the fact that I don’t feel right. Most days, just walking around feels like a struggle in the sense that I’m so out of it that I may end up bumping into people without noticing, and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better.

There’s a quote from Ham on Rye, Bukowski’s best book, that says “I felt like sleeping for five years but they wouldn’t let me.” That’s how I’ve felt most of my life, and I feel it very acutely these days. Anyway, I’m going to bed, to lose myself in dreams that despite being saturated in anxiety, are still better than my life.