We’re Fucked, Pt. 115 (Fiction)


As the plush fabric of the rug yields under my kneecaps, even if I had lost my sense of sight, I would feel the heat radiating from the beast that Jacqueline is pointing at my face. I would feel the tension in its shaft, the thrumming of blood in its veins. I would smell its sharp tang that tugs at my ovaries and sends a tremor through my bones, an iron musk that triggers the urge to inhale a lungful as if I were a cokehead seeking her fix. But my eyes present me with the sight of the crimson crown: it hovers near my nose, so close that, through the slit gaping like a toothless mouth, I can peer down the bore of that flesh barrel.

I imagine the moment of release akin to a dam breaking or a volcano erupting: as the pressure within the shaft builds to a boil, a torrent of scorching, frothy white would gush forth from Jacqueline’s towering meat-mast. The first surge, like fired from a firehose, would imprint a goopy starburst onto my chest, smearing my skin from sternum to chin. The next volley would whack me square in the face and splatter my hair, coating my eyelids and nose and mouth with its gummy texture as if it were sunscreen. The thick seed would cling to my features like a layer of rubber: a demon’s mask melted onto my skull. The cock, with its remaining load, would spurt and pulse, spurt and pulse. My goddess of debauchery has become a fireman in a world ablaze; if left to her whims, she would keep spraying, spurting, and spewing until the global sea level swelled to new highs, surpassing the hundred and twenty meter increase observed since the last ice age, flooding cities to the rooftops, drowning whole species in her sticky deluge.

Jacqueline is stroking my scalp, but I wish she would clasp my head and yank me so that her engorged cockhead kissed one of my corneas. The hot, solid pole, throbbing and vein-crisscrossed, would push against the yielding jelly, whose vision would spiral into a chaos of flashing colors and pinprick spots. An icy jab of pain would escalate into a maelström of agony, causing me to thrash and shriek, as the flesh-spike squashed the eyeball with a sickening squelch against its orbital socket: the blood vessels would rupture, the nerves sever, the vitreous humor discharge. Once her cockhead nestled against the orbital rim, Jacqueline, rocking her pelvis with stabbing thrusts, would drive her meat-truncheon like a chisel until the wall cracked. Prying apart the bone shards with wet crunches, she would plunge into the sinus cavity. From there she’d breach into the cranial vault. Her member would shred through the fibrous meninges amidst which cerebrospinal fluid ebbs and flows, to reach the frontal lobe. As an alien warmth rent my brain tissue like pizza dough, seizing my synapses and firing off sparks of ecstasy, the world would shatter into disjointed fragments. A black void would expand within my self, swallowing chunks of who I was and could have become. Jacqueline’s cock, lodged snugly between the convolutions of my gray matter, would unleash a viral payload that would rewire my neural pathways. Who’s to say what sort of madness would bloom?

Her corona, a bulb of pulsing meat, prods my cheek as if vying for my attention. I’m breathing shallowly, my vagina is clenching with the urge to be filled. I tilt my chin upwards and behold my beloved past the meaty obelisk. Trails of sweat like rivers on a map are shimmering white upon the sculpted landscape of Jacqueline’s abdomen, its peaks and dips highlighted by the honey-golden glare of the candle flames. High on her torso, the plunging lace bralette encases her pair of bronze-tinged flesh-boulders, whose nipples are pushing the intricate, wavelike patterns. Nestled in the valley between her breasts, mommy’s glorious visage gazes down at me with a look that would enchant anyone into a willing slave. Her hooded cobalt-blues are swimming in lust, and her cheeks blushing with a powder-pink aphrodisiac glow. I wish this giantess would scoop up my unworthy form like a doll, then pop my head into her mouth and suck me dry.

“Balls first, mon coeur,” Jacqueline purrs.

Her sac, bloated with a seething, sloshing broth, hangs heavy as a ripe peach. If I were to prick that taut skin with a needle, her salty seed would erupt with the strength of an industrial-grade waterjet cutter, carving through my face like the jet slices through centimeters of steel. Down the corners of my lips dribble rivulets of drool.

“Leire,” Jacqueline says in a husky voice, “tilt your head back and open that sweet little mouth, like a good girl.”

My head falls back and my jaws part as if I were a newborn chick waiting for a worm to fall out of the sky. Jacqueline steps closer and lowers her hips until the hot, leathery pouch lands on my tongue. As its weighty load presses down, a shiver jolts through mommy and escapes her throat in a groan.

“You’re salivating so much, my delight, it’s like dipping them in a hot bath.”

I close my eyes. With the adoration and reverence that a priestess would bestow upon a sacred artifact, and with her throbbing shaft draped over my forehead, I lick my goddess’ scrotum in languorous, rolling sweeps, kneading its fatty bulk. The wrinkles and ridges come alive, quivering and tensing.

Jacqueline’s fingernails are scratching my scalp. I grab onto her thighs with both hands, some of my fingers digging into the firm, tensed-up muscle, the rest into the lace band of her stockings.

I engulf her swollen ballsack in my mouth, and trace the shifting, squirming nuts inside. One of my hands has drifted to my vulva. The middle finger runs up and down the slick divide before diving into the sopping depths. I need to sink my teeth into the flesh-rind of these balls, peel the scrotum open like a ripe fig, and munch on her spongy orbs as I savor their juices.

I pull back, allowing mommy’s scrotum to slide off my tongue and sway freely. My saliva is accentuating the wrinkles and folds with a glossy sheen. Along its bottom, beads of fluid morph into shimmering threads.

“Jacqueline…” I murmur.

Honey-golden specks dance in mommy’s cobalt-blues as a coy smirk crawls over her lust-drunk face.

“What is it, my love?”

Me laisserez-vous mordre vos couilles?”

Jacqueline gasps, her eyes widen. The predator inside her recoils as if realizing it risked snagging its ballsack on barbwire.

Tu veux les mordre?”

Oui, maman,” I whimper.

“So, once again, I miscalculated the depths of your appetite. Détendez-vous, ma petite chasseuse. You can’t bite mommy’s balls. Think about how painful and messy it would be.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, and I lower my gaze. My fingertips disappear in the fuzzy rug. This heat and humidity are smothering me like a wool blanket in summer.

Jacqueline’s bare feet step forward. She grabs her dick and presses its weeping crown against my forehead, branding me with a fiery imprint, before she starts rubbing her glans over my skin, spreading a wet and warm layer of slime in vertical, diagonal, and horizontal streaks. She steps back as if to admire her work.

“Do you know what I’ve written on that pretty forehead of yours, ma chérie?”

“N-no.”

“I have etched in ‘MINE.’ Do you know why?”

A bonfire flares up in my loins, one that could melt steel and rock alike.

“Yes.”

“Please share.”

“Because I’m yours.”

Jacqueline crouches before me, and cradles my face in her hands as if it were a cracked teacup that she wished she could repair.

“That’s right. My little doll now and till the end of time, are you not? And I will take care of what belongs to me.”



Author’s note: today’s songs are “Debaser” by Pixies, and “Flame” by Sebadoh.

I keep a playlist with all the songs I’ve mentioned throughout the novel. A total of a hundred and eighty-four videos. Check them out.

Do you want to relive this chapter but in an audio format? No? Well, here’s the link anyway.

Only slightly related to this chapter, and for those of us who have been interested for years in the demise of the Ice Age, I recently came across this small article: Comet impacted Earth 12,800 years ago and changed human history. Similar articles have been showing up this past week on my Google Alerts feed.

We’re Fucked, Pt. 114: AI-generated audiochapter

An insult to the reproductive organs of mankind. This audiochapter covers chapter 114 of my ongoing novel We’re Fucked.

Cast

  • Leire: blonde job-offerer who hangs out in the sewers of Riften
  • Jacqueline: debonair, redheaded magician from the Witcher series
  • Nairu: some brat who sells newspapers in Diamond City

I produced audiochapters for the entire previous sequence, and I intend to continue until the novel ends or I drown in a sea of cum. A total of three hours, fifty-seven minutes and thirty-nine seconds. Check them out.

Life update (10/03/2023)

In the previous update about my stupid life, I shared that I had contacted the local union at the hospital where I work because I had been screwed out of a potentially years-long contract. I was informed definitively that due to the day the contract was registered (the 14th of August), I had no chance to contest the contract. You see, I officially worked until the 14th (included), but, because the motherfucker whose medical leave I was covering didn’t call in advance to inform that he would return to work, something that every other worker does as a basic human courtesy, I ended up showing up at work on the 16th (the 15th was a holiday) only to find out that I was out of a job. In such circumstances, nobody can give you a straight answer about whether or not you will get paid if you stick around for the day, so some just leave. I left in most previous occasions, but this time I stayed to finish some tasks that had kept me busy for the entire week, and because I get along with my boss. In the end I didn’t get paid, although I have contacted a couple of departments in an attempt to correct that issue.

Anyway, because our secretary wasn’t aware that the person whose leave I was covering would return, she arranged that potentially years-long contract on the 14th. She told me that if she had known that the guy would return, she would have waited a couple of days to formalize the contract (that started on the 18th), meaning that it would have gone to me. So the medical-leave guy has screwed me out of a better job in a different department. To say that I’m very angry at him is an euphemism. Some day I’ll end up paired with him to work the afternoon shift, and I’ll have to get it changed to mornings. This time he screwed me over was just the last one; I have covered his leaves about six times, and all of them ended with me entering the office to find the fucker nonchalantly sitting at his desk. It’s no use talking to him; he’s clearly screwed in the head.

I have spent this night entangled in an hours-long nightmare, and then I woke up with a headache. Shortly after my shift started at eight in the morning, the usual middle-aged coworkers who interact with each other as if they’re in a school playground forced me to shove earplugs in. Minutes later, as I was trying to focus on my tasks, the secretary approached the female technician who sits opposite me, and I started getting the feeling that they were talking about me. I usually ignore these kinds of paranoid thoughts; as a solitary autistic guy who was persecuted by nasty people in middle school and high school, and who can’t determine people’s intentions to begin with, I’m always on the defensive, never knowing from where the next attack is going to come. However, I’m also aware that such defensive mechanisms tend to create lots of false positives. But in this case, these two women started gesturing clearly toward me. Very annoyed, I pulled my earplugs off and asked them what was it that they wanted. The secretary asked me if I was alright. I considered explaining myself: I have a headache on top of a sensory processing disorder, and the fact that I’m wearing earplugs should have told them that they shouldn’t bother me unless necessary. I said, against my will, “I was just trying to…”, and my voice trailed off. However, they weren’t even listening; they were already chit-chatting with each other about the fact that they couldn’t wear earplugs themselves because shoving things into their holes is icky. Once again I was forced to face the fact that I deal five days a week with the kinds of human beings that would wake you up just to ask if you were sleeping. Also, fuck open-plan offices.

This afternoon I’ll put together the audiochapter for the 114th part of my deranged, depraved novel, and during the rest of this morning I’ll arrange my 2200 words of notes for the following chapter into chronological chunks that will allow me to synthetize them through the usual sessions of freewriting (usually performed at five in the morning). Losing myself in writing is my most reliable way to remain sane; the older I get, the more unbearable I find human beings. Even dealing with them online has gotten annoying. Oh, and recently I’ve been playing Cyberpunk 2077. The 2.0 update finally made it good, so check it out if you’re into that kind of stuff. Bye bye.

We’re Fucked, Pt. 114 (Fiction)


Jacqueline’s grip slides in an upwards motion along the length of her cock. She twists her wrist gently at the apex, then she thrusts her hand back down to the base, flexing and curling the ropy veins that bulge beneath the skin. Her shaft pulsates in the rhythm of a serpent struggling to ingest a mouse.

While she strokes herself faster, the column of blood-engorged tissue swells as if inflated by a bellows, acquiring the consistency of a wooden beam, and a thickness that could choke a horse. From the slit of the bulbous, waxy dome oozes a pearl of pre-cum. Rubbing her thumb, Jacqueline smears the slimy fluid around, making the glans gleam in the candlelight like a fresh bruise.

Mommy’s breaths become rapid and shallow. Wet squelches fill the bedroom as her right hand, its fingers fighting to encase even half of the girth, pumps up and down the tumescent meat-tower, from the leaking tip to the root and back, over and over. Her firm grip must feel like she’s holding onto a pillar of lava, whose throbs and twitches bespeak of a hidden engine roaring and revving, that risks spilling its white-hot fuel. The glans has blossomed to an eggplant shade of purple. Those bulky balls clench, about to cough up a glittering stream. I’m gawking at a pole that would support a flag. At a missile poised to launch. At a war club forged by the gods to break down the gates of Olympus. This abomination of a dick, an insult to the reproductive organs of mankind, could breed the planet to overflowing, turning the solar system into a generational cradle for its progeny.

A sheen of perspiration has sprouted over Jacqueline’s body. Beads of sweat gather at her hairline and dribble down her forehead; some drip onto the ruffles of her choker, where they twinkle like crystals, and others fall onto her tits, where they streak over those twin hills of bouncy flesh and cling to the lace of her bralette like dew on spiderwebs. The physical exertion has etched a grimace onto her flushed face: her eyebrows are furrowed, her jaw clenched, her nostrils flared. The light in her cobalt-blues is dimming like a dying star.

I picture a crimson-tinted niche in which a heart struggles to beat as its muscle fibers strain, until the organ pops like a water balloon, spraying out gobs of flesh, blood and gore. A cold jolt of fear shoots down my spine.

“Jacqueline, stop!”

The shout that has shattered the midnight silence ricochets off the walls. My hand rockets to my mouth. I’m shown a close-up of Nairu startled awake, her chestnut hair mussed. As she rubs the sleep out of her eyes, she climbs down from her unicorn-themed bed, leaves her bedroom, and bursts through our locked door like a cannonball, to find me as naked as when we first met.

“What sort of maniac has desecrated my slumber?” demands Nairu.

The antediluvian waif stands with her face contorted into a scowl, and her tiny fists balled. My gaze travels from her wild hair to her sleepwear: a fuzzy, mint-green onesie sprinkled with stars and moons.

Jacqueline, the goddess whose radiance elevates us from the squalor and strife of this planet, and who has tucked her still-raging penis away, steps forward and bows in supplication before our adopted child.

Je suis désolée, mademoiselle. Mommy and mommy were enjoying some adult time.”

“You people make such a racket, I cannot rest in peace!”

“Th-this is merely a misunderstanding,” I say. “It must have been a rat.”

My heart shrivels with remorse and shame as the child squints at me, perhaps expecting me to strip off my skin and reveal the hideous gargoyle underneath. I’m reminded of her Paleolithic upbringing: those cavernous dens crammed with stalactites, reeking of offal and guano. Every night she must have slept with a knife in her hand.

“Why would a rat scream like a lunatic?”

“S-some vermin are nocturnal.”

Nairu arches her eyebrows, then a yawn ripples through her mouth. She shrugs.

“That’s a fact, so I consider the matter settled. But please put a cork in it, oui? Otherwise I’ll have to search for a new dwelling free of rats and nutcases.”

She turns towards the exit and navigates her way over the jagged fragments and splintered shards of the door, heading back to bed.

Jacqueline’s chest heaves with ragged pants. Her gaze has locked on me, and the grimace of exertion has given way to bewilderment. My brain sizzles and crackles as my neurons reconnect. I had forgotten to breathe while mommy flirted with the edge.

“Are you enlarging your heart as well?” I ask in a controlled tone. “The same way big wings require strong back muscles, such a gargantuan dick must demand an elephant’s heart to pump it full of blood. Hell, maybe even a whale’s, with arteries wide enough to slide through. Your shapeshifting power may let you stay forever young and fit, but I’m quite sure that if your heart were to explode, you’d drop dead like any random pleb.”

Jacqueline pales. She presses her index and middle fingers against her carotid to check her heart rate. The mammoth dick, as it flops about, deflates in fast motion to a flaccid state and the girth of a beef sausage: its veins recede into the flesh, its crown shrinks and retreats into its sheath. Her engine must be cooling off, because her shoulders sag, and she lets out a long sigh.

“Even in the best of times,” I say, “men’s cocks exert an undue influence upon their minds, so a dick that size must operate like those zombie-raising parasitic fungi.”

Jacqueline wipes a lock of sweat-tangled hair away from her forehead.

“It’s not just the dick’s fault, ma chérie, it’s yours. You have hypnotized me with those enchanting eyes and that sweet little mouth. Your aura, your presence, it all makes me want to spend my seed in a deluge, to impregnate you with a hundred babies.”

A flush crawls up my face.

“S-see, that’s the cock talking.”

She hefts her flaccid, wrinkled member and waggles it back and forth.

“I did go above and beyond. I wanted to impress you, darling.”

Jacqueline slumps next to me on the edge of her bed, causing the mattress to sink under her weight. She examines the palm of her right hand, whose pads and creases glisten with moisture. Mommy, adorned with a choker, a plunging lace bralette, a garter belt, and sheer stockings, looks like a high-class escort who’s reconsidering her life choices. Even a goddess with a magical penis may harbor the shadows of our frail and ephemeral existence.

I wrap my left arm around her back, then nuzzle against her temple. She smells of fresh sweat, musky and salty.

“You may have a cock,” I whisper, “but you’re all pussy.”

Jacqueline chuckles.

“That feels good to hear, mon chouette.”

“And I was beyond impressed with you even before you grew a penis that would make the rest cry in shame.”

Jacqueline’s warmth seeps into me like the heat of a hearth; it penetrates my bones and dissolves my aches. She’s the tether that keeps me from falling into the abyss, from drifting off into my inner wilderness and never returning. As the fingers of my left hand drift over the bumps and ridges of her vertebrae, as my mouth kisses and nips the delicate flesh of her ear, I reach down to caress her belly. The abdominal muscles tense up. I slide that hand to her lap and take hold of her flaccid member. Jacqueline’s breath hitches. With my touch and a surge of blood, the organ twitches, swells, and lengthens, pushing against the confines of my fist: the shaft stiffens, the veins bulge, the crown emerges.

The flickering flames, like a fading sunset, are casting dancing shadows over my right hand as it glides up and down the silken skin of the meat-rod. A vulture of desire settles in my gut, stirring my insides with its fluttering wings, aching for me to satisfy its craving for flesh and blood.

My nipples grow hard, my nethers wet. I lick my lips. I’m tempted to lean down and swirl my tongue around that slit to lap up the salty liquid, like licking the tears of a weeping god. I imagine myself closing my mouth around the glans, slathering it with saliva, then gulping down the shaft centimeter by throbbing centimeter, swallowing her in a wet, tight sheath of velvet. I’d let her use my mouth as a cocksleeve until she detonated in a steaming jet that could fill a trough.

Jacqueline swivels her face towards me, pressing our cheeks together. Her warm breath puffs into my mouth.

“You’re drooling like a hungry puppy, my naughty little slut,” mommy purrs, her voice thick with lust.

She’s sporting a predatory grin that exposes the razor edges of her pearly teeth. Those eyes, pools of cobalt-blue fire, sting me, sear my flesh and soul as if she were scorching a hole in my psyche, implanting her mother-shaped presence in the dark, fathomless abyss of my mind, where I keep my demons locked away.

The heat emanating from her mouth reaches out for mine in tendril-thin, invisible tentacles. A shiver races down my spine. She engulfs me in the fiery warmth, the velvety interior of her cheeks, the rough edges of her taste buds, the lubricating essence seeping from her glands.

Mommy releases my mouth with an audible pop. A strand of saliva stretches between our tongues, glimmering in the candlelight, before breaking.

“Oh, ma petite puce,” she breathes out, “the same person who used to hunch over her computer and rarely spoke. Look at you playing with my dick like it’s your favorite toy. I want to awaken you to the delights of licking balls, sucking cock, and swallowing a rich and creamy load. That’s what a horny little slut deserves, n’est-ce pas? So now I’ll stand up, and you’ll kneel before mommy like a servant before her queen.”



Author’s note: today’s songs are “Gold on the Ceiling” by The Black Keys, and “You Just Want” by King Creosote.

I keep a playlist with all the songs I’ve mentioned throughout the novel so far. A total of a hundred and eighty-two videos. Check them out.

Wanna feel this uncomfortable again but in an audio format? Check out the corresponding audiochapter!

Review: Guards! Guards!, by Terry Pratchett

Four stars.

This is the first book in the City Watch series set in Pratchett’s Discworld universe, a flat Earth carried on top of four elephants who are in turn carried on top of a Giant Star Turtle named Great A’Tuin.

We first meet our memorable protagonist, Sam Vimes, the captain of Ankh-Morpork’s city watch, as he stumbles drunk after he and his colleagues buried a fellow guard and friend. He ends up lying in a gutter, delirious. Our middle-aged man leads the watch in a city where theft and murder have been regulated; the leaders of the thieves’ and assassins’ guilds sit at the Council, and they are to remain unbothered as long as they don’t exceed their allowed amount of thefts and murders per month. The city watch remains as a remnant of the old days, to give the populace the impression that someone’s keeping the peace in a traditional way, but the very few guards that remain are powerless. When there’s some perp to apprehend, the watch are to run in pursuit but not fast enough, lest they end up having to go through the trouble of arresting anybody.

Trouble starts when some cultist breaks into the library at the Unseen University of Magic and steals a book on how to summon dragons, to the dismay of the librarian, who is, for reasons, an orangutan. This cultist has gathered a bunch of disgruntled citizens and wants to use them to steal magical artifacts, which will allow him to summon one of the dragons of old from their plane of existence. As chaos ensues, this group will introduce a supposed heir to the old kingdom of Ankh, a hero capable of defeating the dragon. Once the pantomime plays out and the current leader is deposed, a new king will rule the city of a hundred thousand souls (and about ten times that amount of bodies, as Pratchett put it). However, that king would be a figurehead; the cultist’s leader intends to rule from the shadows.

Meanwhile, the city watch encounters a disturbance of its own: some dwarf from another county has volunteered to join the watch, believing it to be a noble occupation. In reality, this dwarf is a six-foot-something human who was adopted by a dwarven colony and raised as such, until his size as well as his attempts to court an underage, sixty-year-old dwarven girl became too uncomfortable. This honorary dwarf is an earnest, literal-minded fellow who illuminates the miserable state of the current city watch. Apart from Vimes we have Sergeant Colon, a load of pink flesh stuffed into an armor (I picture him as a short, non-horrifying version of Judge Holden from McCarthy’s Blood Meridian), as well as Corporal Nobby, who’s the lowest common denominator of the grimy city he inhabits, a misshapen rat of a man who’s likely to spend his time on the clock looting some passed-out or dead citizen’s valuables.

This group of losers ends up tangled against their will in the cult’s plot; one of the times they summon the dragon, it incinerates a bunch of criminals who were stalking the drunken guardsmen, that had taken a wrong turn into the nastier area of the city. Vimes, who as the author put it was born two drinks short, naturally more sober than anybody else, refuses to allow anybody but himself to burn this hole of a city. In the process they’ll have to deal with the simian librarian, the local nobility, the calculating Patrician, and swamp dragons, apart from an otherworldly, apparently unstoppable dragon who isn’t too happy about having been dragged from its slumber and being controlled by a pitiful human.

What this review doesn’t capture is the author’s humor. As some reviewer put it, he was likely the funniest satirist of the 20th century. He wasn’t just funny, but hugely insightful. His need to create humor seemed to stem from his grim outlook on the world and humanity. Captain Vimes represents the faint drive to do the right thing against a world where evil is organized and has far better plans about how to keep everything running. Neil Gaiman, who dealt with Pratchett during a book or couple of books they wrote together, has mentioned plenty of times that Pratchett had a significant temper. I suppose he was constantly disappointed by a reality that couldn’t match the fantasies he easily pictured in his mind.

Apart from his humor, Pratchett was a master at coming up with unusual metaphors and analogies that somehow captured precisely what needed to be known about the subject, without having to go into particular details.

My only issues with this book, and with Pratchett’s writing in general, is that he uses an expository narrator (I despise exposition on principle), that I would have edited out some paragraphs here and there, and that for my taste he overuses some motifs, like the notion that if there’s a million-to-one chance to achieve something, it has to work, because the gods enjoy playing those kinds of games.

The Discworld books enrich each other; some characters, like the Patrician or the Librarian, not only appear but play major roles in distinct series, so at times you may get the feeling that you would have caught on to significant subtext if only you had read like four or five other books. However, the City Watch series is, as far as I remember, quite self-contained even though recurrent characters from the Discworld universe take part in it. This is also a terrible universe to follow chronologically; Pratchett was very young in all respects when he started writing (got his first story published at thirteen years old). A couple of book sellers pushed to me Pratchett’s The Colour of Magic, the first book chronologically, which, as far as I remember, was mostly an unsophisticated parody, and not representative of the many books to come.

Back when I was a miserable teen, Pratchett’s works were among the few comforts in my nightmarish existence, along with manga, video games, and masturbation. I doubt I caught at the time most of what was going on in the Discworld books; lots of moving parts. Years later, once I was forced to pretend I was an adult, mainly because my body grew old, I gave up on Pratchett’s works along with every other memory of those years, but giving up on the Discworld was a mistake.

I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are the good people and the bad people. You’re wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides. A great rolling sea of evil. Shallower in some places, of course, but deeper, oh, so much deeper in others. But people like you put together little rafts of rules and vaguely good intentions and say, this is the opposite, this will triumph in the end.

We’re Fucked, Pt. 113: AI-generated audiochapter

Send your madness, O Pan, to the ends of the earth. This audiochapter covers chapter 113 of my ongoing novel We’re Fucked.

Cast

  • Leire: some broad named Vex who offers you jobs down at the Ragged Flaggon
  • Jacqueline: Geralt’s favorite redheaded witch
  • Spiky-hair: some goon from Yakuza (originally in Japanese)

I produced audiochapters for the entire previous sequence, and I intend to continue until the novel ends or I get my skull cracked open by a dumbell-heavy cock. A total of three hours, forty-seven minutes and seventeen seconds of insanity. Check them out.

Life update (09/26/2023)

Having to work is annoying enough, but in addition, it’s come to my attention that someone in my office has stolen a juicier contract from me even though I was ahead in the rankings. These last couple of months have gone as follows:

  • On the 16th of last month I came to the office only to realize that the bastard whose medical leave I was covering returned to work without calling in advance. Fifth time or so he has done this to me. Nobody is ever sure if the worker who was covering the leave will get paid if he or she stays for the day, so I usually just left, but I get along with my boss enough that I chose to stick around and finish the few tasks I had been dealing with all week, under the assurance that he would talk with the department of personnel so they’d end up paying me for those last couple of days (a holiday and the day when my coworker returned from his leave).
  • Days later, unemployed, I called to resume my unemployment benefits. They told me they couldn’t, because I still appear in their databases as employed. Excuse me? I don’t remember how (maybe I called the hospital where I work), that issue got solved, but when I checked until what day I had worked according to the internal system, it said that my last day was the 14th, meaning that they wouldn’t pay the two days they owed me (one a holiday, the other when the shithead on medical leave returned).
  • That month I got paid as if I had worked for its entirety, even though I became unemployed midway through. Second time that had happened to me. I knew that they would deduct the corresponding sum from the following contract, meaning that soon enough I would waste two more weeks of my life working for money that I already have.
  • One of my coworkers injured his back. A new medical leave. The current contract started on the 6th of this month. Three days later I got covid and spent a whole week at home. Yesterday, on the 25th, my current coworker on the afternoon shift initiated a conversation that sounded something like this:

“Are you aware that they have screwed you over?”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, bro.”
“On the 18th of last month you weren’t working, and you’re the first in the ranking, but for a new contract they ended up hiring someone who’s way down on the list. Another one of our coworkers, higher than that guy, complained to the union and got rewarded with a three-months long contract that should have gone to you, because you’re higher than both on the ranking.”
“You serious, mon?”
“And she (the coworker who complained to the union and got a contract that didn’t correspond to her) ended up calling the union because I had to bump her off another contract that went to her, even though I was ahead of her in the rankings.”
“Aw shit, son.”
“They’re always plotting, this gal and our secretary. They keep saying that they want more girls to work here.”
“That’s heavy, dude.”
“Tomorrow morning, call the union and explain the situation. That original contract from the 18th has already been corrected. They only awarded it to that coworker because she was the one who complained. When they look you up in the ranking, they’ll realize you were ahead and they’ll have to either give you her contract or pay you for those three months of work that you will have missed out on.”
“Dang, cuz.”
“The secretary and this coworker know that they have screwed you over. They’ll do it again. You either correct this or the rankings won’t mean shit here. People like this will steal contracts if they can get away with it.”

So tomorrow morning I’ll have to call the union and explain the situation. When I get to work in the afternoon, I expect the secretary and this female coworker to glare at me as if they hadn’t been the ones who screwed me over in the first place. I’m the non-confrontational type, and due to my self-destructive urges I’d rather be unemployed, but my aggressive coworker is right: if you allow yourself to get stepped on, you will keep getting stepped on again and again. If I refuse to correct this situation, it will also set a precedent for the entire office. So after I involve the union, two of my coworkers will get permanently mad at me even though it’s their fault, and in exchange I’ll either have to work for a couple of months longer, or, in case they can’t legally transfer her contract to me, receive three months of wages for diddling my thumbs.

What a convoluted, boring mess that I wish didn’t involve me.

We’re Fucked, Pt. 113 (Fiction)


Jacqueline’s right hand glides smoothly up and down the length of her manhood, caressing with long and slow pumps that fearsome column, its skin flush and taut and gleaming, whose bulging veins bristle against her fingers. The foreskin slips back and forth with every stroke, revealing the ruddy, helmet-shaped bulb, a raw and pulsing crown ready to enthrall and slather in cream any feminine crease.

A tingling sensation spreads across my scalp while I ogle that monstrosity, a dumbell-heavy weapon designed to rupture flesh, an obscene member that would make a stallion envious, and weighed down by a pair of balls that would fill my palms. A wave of dizziness crashes over me as my heart drums like a bongo. To witness such a transgression against nature should perhaps make me gag with horror, and yet a pool of molten heat stirs in my loins.

M-mon dieu,” I mumble.

A smirk blooms on Jacqueline’s lips.

“Like what you’re seeing, my little kitten?”

“So now you have a dick to whip around? A big, veiny, throbbing monster-cock?”

She slaps the rigid flesh against her abdomen, sending her tits wobbling and quivering in their black lace cages.

“Uh-huh. Quite dashing, wouldn’t you say?”

“Y-your pussy is gone.”

“Don’t worry, ma chouchoute. It will come back, eager to please and be pleased. No need to mourn its absence.”

I squint and rub my chin. That battering ram could shatter a castle gate.

“A shapeshifting dick puts you at an evolutionary edge. And somehow it suits you to wield that fleshy behemoth, despite your gorgeous face and luscious tits.”

Jacqueline cocks her hip, making one of her stockings rise like a piston.

“Can’t say I disagree. I’m a huntress. A predator, if you will. I relish in the pleasure of the chase, the thrill of the kill. However, what owner of a penis doesn’t desire to impale and empty themselves inside any pussy that struts by? The instinct to breed, to fill, to claim, is always there, simmering beneath the surface. Ever since I became the recipient of such a strange miracle, some of my most exciting times have involved seducing some innocent thing then tearing her in half with this beast.”

I swallow hard. My eyes dart over the length and girth of mommy’s weapon of mass destruction, whose sight causes my core to tighten with a throbbing ache. My gaze drops to the pair of balls suspended low and heavy: that scrotal sac stretched and swollen with seed like a ripening apricot, its urgent load waiting to erupt and paint the world in sticky white ribbons.

Jacqueline releases her cock, and the organ springs back bouncing and wagging. Instead she gropes her dense flesh-fruits as if weighing them. She rolls them, massages them, squeezes them gently. A shiver tiptoes up my spine.

“When was the last time you touched a cock, my dear?” Jacqueline asks playfully.

I recall that random, spiky-haired guy at a party. I had been huddled in a corner, nursing a bottle of vodka and wishing I were dead. Rock music thumped through me, vibrating my organs, while the alcohol buzzed in my brain. Spiky-hair swaggered over. He smelled like sweat and cigarettes. His lips parted, and it took me a second to realize he was talking to me.

“What’s a hot thing like you doing alone, eh?”

“I don’t have a penis,” I answered.

Spiky-hair, with his mud-brown eyes and patchy stubble, grinned.

“I’m not asking for your dick size, babe. I want to know why a hot piece of ass like you is sulking in a corner when you could be getting piped.”

A cocktail of vodka, acid reflux and nervous energy churned in my stomach. I should have stayed in bed with my laptop, scrolling through Pornhub, but I didn’t want to be the recluse that nobody missed. Why did I even bother? My attempts at interacting with humans only made me feel alone.

“Maybe I hate this world and everything in it.”

Although my vision kept blurring, I caught Spiky-hair’s gaze sweeping over my cleavage like a hawk eyeing a mouse, his fingers twitching to fondle, grope, squeeze. He slung an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close, prodding at my hip with a hard-on. His sour breath singed my nostrils. That mouth, a crooked slash, its foam-flecked lips cracked, resembled a scabbed wound. Rather than let his slimy tongue slide into my mouth, I’d have my teeth yanked out with pliers.

“You’re a babe that’s wasting away. Women are like the ocean: mysterious and deep. But they don’t come close to men, who are like raging fires, a furnace that can’t be tamed. You might as well try to contain a star.”

As his stubbled jaw brushed against my cheek, his hand slid down to my butt and cupped it with a possessive pressure. I wished my bottle of vodka were a knife that I could sink into my heart so I wouldn’t have to endure this nightmare for a second longer.

“Oh, please drown yourself in a puddle.”

I intended to shove Spiky-hair off me and drain him away with a flood of vitriol. However, in the heat and roar of the party, I must have crumbled like a rotted tree, because he led me down a dim and reeking corridor to a stinkier bathroom, a windowless box with a broken toilet seat and a shower curtain streaked with mildew. He spun me around and pressed me face-first against the grimy tiles while tugging my panties down. I heard a zipper unzip. He hawked up a glob of phlegm, spat it into his palm, and slathered the goop on his lead pipe. He pried apart the halves of my ass-flesh. The tip tickled my hole before he plunged into me with a squelch, splitting me open. I grunted like a hurt horse. I shut my eyes and clenched my fists while my colon filled with his oafish thrusts, which I pictured as the blows of a hammer driving a nail into a coffin. My sphincter burned and stung. I wished I had shaved, trimmed, shoved in a plug or whatever to lessen the discomfort of a puffy cock spearing the depths of my bowels. The vodka along with his sweat made me feel like I was drowning in a bog of putrid slime. Would my stomach sputter up the foul mixture of alcohol and acid-drenched junk food that sloshed within? Why had I left the safety of my room, the comfort of my headphones and keyboard and screen? What did I expect from a bunch of humans? They’d sooner tear out my eyes than make me feel welcome. Why did I keep trying to fit in when I’d rather be dead?

Spiky-hair grabbed my breast as if to imprint its meaty contours on his brain. With his free hand, he clutched a fistful of my hair and yanked it, forcing me to arch my back. Saliva bubbled out of my mouth and dribbled onto the piss-stained floor. His nuts whacked against my vulva with wet claps that echoed in the stuffy bathroom. His stubble rasped and raked: a swarm of cockroaches crawling over my skin, their antennae probing my pores, their legs scritch-scratching my flesh. I prayed for his dick to burst, for his balls to shrivel and fall off, but instead his sweaty body bore down on me, he let out a shuddering groan, and his penis swelled and throbbed inside me like a tumor as it spurted a load of grime. In the aftermath, that essence, viscous and hot, had oozed out of my gaping, battered hole to crust between my thighs like dried sap, mingling with the dust bunnies and fungal growths. For days afterward, his stench, the odors of his hair grease and smoker’s breath, of his sweat and cum, had clung to me like a blanket of mold. The phantom of his phallus haunted my rectum whenever I went for a shit. I wanted to scrub myself clean in boiling water, to peel off my skin, to replace every atom of my body with ones that weren’t tainted.

Back in the present, as the warmth of a candle-fueled mood washes over me, I stop rubbing my eyelids and look up at mommy, who’s waiting for me to reply.

“Some random dude’s dick, far from your meat-log of a schlong. During my early twenties, if I recall correctly. So it’s been a while. In the meantime, though, I have messed around with plastic, rubber, and metal imitations.”

“Leire, you’re too precious to be a casual fuck. And your tone tells me that the guy didn’t treat you with the tenderness you deserve.”

“How can I put it? I was tempted to say that I couldn’t remember, because I didn’t want to. That inflamed wound took me months to heal. I doubt even a sexbot would have liked it.”

“My poor chérie.”

I nod in a continuous loop, as if my head were spring-loaded with disappointment. My walls had been breached, my treasures pillaged, my virtue trampled into the dirt.

“In general, dicks are fine. Unfortunately, they tend to be attached to dudes.”

“A real shame, bien sûr.”

“My one epiphany is that I need to hold on to tits for dear life. The more massive the better.”

“You’re in mommy’s loving arms now, ma petite étoile.” She strokes the velvety skin of her colossus, causing its pink crown to twitch. “But what do you think I should do with this novel appendage of mine, huh?”

“Well… Every time you leave the apartment, you could turn your trip into one of those shooter arcade games from the nineties. Pump that sperm launcher and fire at anything that moves and breathes. Leave a trail of hundreds of splattered faces.”

Jacqueline giggles, making her breasts jiggle like gelatin mounds. Her cobalt-blues sparkle with mirth.

Vraiment, a project worth pursuing, but I’m more interested in how to use my jizz cannon in regards to you, ma coquinema douce petite fille. Don’t you want to play with mommy’s special toy?”

I sense myself liquefying at this gift from the god Pan to worship and adorn with garlands.

“It would punch apart and pulverize my guts.”

“Oh, don’t look so disturbed. I was employing a little hyperbole, darling. I can control its basic size and girth, so you’ll just need to lie back, spread your legs, and let me stuff that dripping hole like a blossom fitting snugly within a bud. You know what? Let me show you.”



Author’s note: today’s song is “Ball and Biscuit” by The White Stripes.

I keep a playlist with all the songs I’ve mentioned throughout the novel so far. A hundred and eighty videos. Check them out.

Do you wanna hear this nonsense acted out by AI voice actors? Check out the audiochapter.

Some of you that normally follow this story may have missed the previous chapter, because I forgot to attach tags to the WordPress post. Oops.

This chapter reminded me, for some reason, of my obscure free verse poem titled “The Well-Hung Duchess of Cosmographica” (that requires a couple of revisions).

We’re Fucked, Pt. 112: AI-generated audiochapter

Sudden dick. This audiochapter covers chapter 112 of my ongoing novel We’re Fucked.

Cast

  • Leire: blonde thief has coin if you can work
  • Jacqueline: the OG Merigold

I produced audiochapters for the entire previous sequence, and I intend to continue until the novel ends or I float away to a sheets-based tropical paradise. A total of three hours, thirty-six minutes and forty seconds of mostly fucking nonsense. Check them out.

Life update (09/20/2023)

The beta-blockers that I take for my heart issues put me out of commission by eight in the evening (if I’m that lucky). Last night I fell asleep at nine, only to wake up from a nightmare at midnight. Didn’t sleep a wink the rest of the night. At five I finally dragged my weary old bones to my desk and freewrote the remainder of chapter 112 of my ongoing novel. At six I prepared myself some decaf, took a shit, showered, then left for work.

Such nights, I try to force myself to sleep, but usually my brain falls into sequences of daydreams slash intrusive thoughts that I don’t recall entering. They force me to confront all kinds of nasty crap, from bad memories to hypothetical situations from which I could need to defend myself.

Among the many things that my brain bothered me with last night were a couple of questions: you’re supposed to be a novelist, right? Then how come you disdain most novels you come across? Well, brain, if you should know, I abandon most novels I start because the majority annoy the living hell out of me. The modern ones are much worse; the author is in a hurry to assure the reader (but mainly the gatekeepers) that he or she is onboard with the Sole-Allowed Ideology, the secular god of the godless (and I say that as an atheist). As many writers have said, you won’t get published these days if you don’t belong to the right demographics and don’t believe the Right Things. I’m an ethnic European dude who wishes that the Romans had never tolerated the growth of Abrahamic religions, so I’m pretty much toast. I also write smut, though, which is hard to publish.

Politics aside, I feel that most writers waste my fucking time. I’m a hedonist: I care about beauty and about having fun. That’s not to say that I elude bad thoughts (as if I could); there’s plenty of beauty in the black depths, often more than in the light. But my point is, I can hardly remember what novels gave me what I sought from them.

In my early twenties I fell in love with Murakami’s Norwegian Wood, which is, curiously enough, the least Murakami-ish of his novels as far as I’m aware. Years later I found out that he got the urge to write that novel after a girlfriend he cheated on and abandoned quite cruelly ended up killing herself; Murakami was in his mid-thirties or so when he found out about her death, and it impacted him. Destroyed him, perhaps.

I’m trying to remember what other novels impacted me in a similar way. Maybe John Fowles’ The Collector, and Daphne du Maurier’s Rebecca. To a lesser degree, Stefan Zweig’s Beware of Pity. Can’t remember any other at the moment. For me, they have in common that you live through those novels. You see what the protagonists see, you touch what they’re touching, you feel what they’re feeling, and they rarely pull you out of the then-and-there. That’s what I inject into my own stories: the experience of sensing the world through a peculiar person, forcing me (as the writer) to deal with their feelings, neuroses, delusions, as they try to better or ruin their life. I want to be there, mainly because I have never felt “here” in my own life. The vicarious escape allows me to forget for a while that after all this time I’m still me.

Last night’s rumination made me think about my previous novel, first one in English, titled My Own Desert Places, about some ghost who comes back to life because she fell in love with a suicidal person. I remember moments from that fictional life as if they were memories of mine, stronger than most moments I’ve actually lived through. I think that for some people, maybe just defective ones, the act of immersing themselves in producing such narratives convinces their brains to record those moments as real experiences. I remember eating a lemon ice cream with the protagonist’s beloved while staring at the bay of a neighboring town. I recall when the protagonist lost her mind during a long trip to Asturias. I remember hanging out in the balcony of a house that doesn’t exist while looking at and talking to someone who never existed. I feel pangs of pain and regret for the griefs that the story contained. In a few months I intend to revise the whole thing (mostly to catch glaring errors) and republish it, but I suspect that I will need to take advantage of a couple of weeks of unemployment to withstand the mood changes to which the process will subject me.

As I kept thinking last night, I remembered a series of books that I truly enjoyed, that I looked forward to reading as a teen: Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. What a clever, funny bastard that guy was. I wanted to continue reading those novels if only to find out what witty thoughts or images he would come up with, many of which made me smile or laugh. Why did I stop reading his stuff? Back in my early twenties, it became obvious that Terry was dying of whatever brain shit ended up sending him to his grave, and that someone else, likely his daughter, was writing his books. But as an adult, I think I never returned to his works because I associated them with my miserable middle school and high school years, of which I remember very little likely due to trauma-induced amnesia. I’m not sure if I’m exaggerating with that, given that I was constantly slipping in and out of psychosis; I was an undiagnosed autistic teen who lacked a place to be himself and do the things he needed to do, and who was never left alone. I despise my teenage years to the extent that I threw away the vast majority of my writings from that era (and I was close to reaching a million words by the time I was nineteen), as well as the letters I received from people I knew. That last part I regret; years later, I wished I would have gotten further insight into some people I knew from back then (as referenced in my free verse poem “A Ghastly Scar”).

Anyway, I figured out the reading order of Pratchett’s City Watch series, and since then I’ve already read through twenty percent of his Guards! Guards!. Either Pratchett influenced what I wrote later on, or he just had the same notions about what I want out of fiction: the joy of coming across interesting “images,” and being amused and intrigued by silly and/or absurd situations. Those are what I look forward the most when I’m writing my own stuff, and I usually feel that a chapter is good enough when I have come up with a few such instances.

Tomorrow I have to visit my cardiologist for a check-up, and I’m still not sure to what extent I will share that I feel in a daze during most of my workday (even woozy at times, like today when I was fixing a printer’s network connection), perhaps due to the beta-blockers I’m forced to take in apparent perpetuity. Also, that ever since a certain jab, the pressure I feel in the area of my heart has gotten worse over time, although I don’t feel it daily. Last week, after five days of covid, when I left the house to figure out if I had recovered enough to take a walk, for a long minute I felt a stabbing pain in my old ticker. And I’m reluctant to share that with my appointed cardiologist because the fucker got annoyed at the reality that the jab caused my heart damage, which a different cardiologist confirmed. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if any of these days I simply pass out suddenly and crack my head open against the floor, or end up with ventricular fibrillation, which would drop me in seconds. Just today, one of my female coworkers was missing because her brother, as he was jogging near his home, passed out for no apparent reason and broke his nose, and now he’s in Intensive Care. Months ago, a different coworker’s brother, a football player in his early twenties who was getting regular check-ups, dropped dead in the shower. His remains were found about a week later, hot water still running.

I’ve barely started the current contract and I already yearn for it to end. I’ll never get used to the life of an adult. I want to wander around while daydreaming and scribbling nonsense in notebooks like I spent my days doing as a kid.