As a solitary dude, all my life I have relied on music to connect with the world at large, to feel that my feelings weren’t that unique or detached from the rest of humanity. Over the years, I’ve returned to certain albums that have spoken to me in ways that can’t be fully put into words. I love discovering new albums, and perhaps that’s also the case for whoever is reading these words, so I’ll spend some of my limited time on Earth sharing some specifics about the albums that have marked me, and that in many ways changed me.
Today’s album is Teens of Denial by Car Seat Headrest, released in 2016. When I first listened to this album back in the day, I was drawn to its scruffy, lo-fi rock, combined with songwriter Will Toledo’s self-deprecating, often profound and in general compelling lyrics. The album was a fitting companion whenever I felt l like I was stumbling through life generally unfulfilled, though thankfully not sinking in the depths of one of my cycles of depression. Given how often I feel like that, I’ve ended up returning to this album repeatedly over the years. It now feels like a classic.
“Fill In the Blanks”
Fantastic opener. The very first voice you hear in the album is that of a girl, maybe a fan, maybe a friend of Toledo’s, who can barely remember the name of the band. That immediately sets the tone for the rest of the album. In the song, Will opens up about his experiences with depression: the shame, the self-hate, the way other people sometimes try to help but you end up driving them away. These lyrics contain a couple of lines that I suspect all people who have dealt with clinical depression could relate to, when they compare themselves with those who haven’t been tainted by that darkness: “And I will never see the light / That I’ve seen shining in your eyes.”
I’m so sick of, fill in the blank
Accomplish more, accomplish nothing
If I were split in two I would just take my fists
So I can beat up the rest of me
You have no right to be depressed
You haven’t tried hard enough to like it
Haven’t seen enough of this world yet
But it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
Well stop your whining, try again
No one wants to cause you pain
They’re just trying to let some air in
But you hold your breath, you hold your breath, you hold it
Hold my breath, I hold my breath, I hold it
I’ve known for a long time
I’m not getting what I want out of people
It took me a long time
To figure out I don’t know what I want
So you’ll ask “Why?” and there will be no answer
Then you’ll ask “For how long?” and there will be no answer
Then you’ll ask “What can I do?” and there’ll be no answer
And eventually you will shut up
I’ve got a right to be depressed
I’ve given every inch I had to fight it
I have seen too much of this world, yes
And it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
And I will never see the light (so stop your whining try again)
That I’ve seen shining in your eyes (no one wants to cause you pain)
You just want to see me naked (they’re just trying to let some air in, but you)
So I’ll hold my breath, I hold my breath, I hold it
Hold my breath, I hold my breath, I hold my breath, I hold my breath
I hold my breath, I hold my breath, I hold my breath
“Destroyed by Hippie Powers”
This one’s about Toledo getting so high that he questions what he’s done to his life. I don’t have much to say about the song except that I like it a lot.
What happened to that chubby little kid who smiled so much and loved the Beach Boys?
What happened is I killed that fucker and I took his name, and I got new glasses
“Unforgiving Girl (She’s Not an)”
I’m not sure what Toledo meant to convey with this song, but ultimately I care what music makes me feel. When I listen to this one, it conjures images of being able to rely on a special connection, someone who has seen you at your worst, who understands how fucked up the world is, but who still manages to improve your day the few times you reconnect with her. I love how the song devolves into raw cries that perfectly summarize the impresion this song elicits for me: “It’s an unforgiving world / But she’s not an unforgiving girl.”
What a glorious hell we have found
Until I recognize the sound
Of my voice again
For years I hadn’t had a clue
But suddenly I can look through
Your eyes again
This isn’t sex, I don’t think, it’s just extreme empathy
She’s not my ex, we never met, but do you still think of me?
They say that the world is one, but if the world is one
How come you never come around anymore?
(I guess it’s not that simple)
Well, everyone learns to live with their sins
But girl you wear yours like a brand new skin
Well, everyone learns to live with themselves
And you’re not the only one who’s been through hell
So give me a sign that I’m not making love to myself
“The Ballad of the Costa Concordia”
This one makes me think about my shortcomings, about aging, about how the strength and vitality has been sapped out of me little by little, about how I’ve managed to fuck most things up some way or another. In such moods, you think about the whys. What if my parents had known what the fuck they were doing? What if I had been someone else entirely? Ultimately you are forced to handle the cards you’ve been dealt, at least those you haven’t lost along the way.
I used to like the mornings
I’d survived another night
I’d walk to breakfast through the garden
See the flowers stretching in the sunlight
Now I wake up in the mornings
And all the kindness is drained out of me
I spend hours just wincing
And trying to regain some sense of peace
If only I could sustain my anger
Feel it grow stronger and stronger
It sharpens to a point and sheds my skin
Shakes off the weight of my sins
And takes me to heaven
I stay up late every night
Out of some general protest
But with no one to tell you to come to bed
It’s not really a contest
And maybe you think
I’ll learn from my mistake
But not this time
It’s just gonna break me
And if I’ve lost you for good
Could there have been any other way?
Was the water filling up for years
Or did I wreck it all in a day?
I’m going to bed now
I’ve sunk into my sorrows
And it’ll take three hundred million dollars
To get me up tomorrow
I won’t go down with the ship
I will put my hands up and surrender
There will be no more flags above my door
I have lost, and I always will be
It was an expensive mistake
It was an expensive mistake
My horse broke his back to get me here
I have his blood on my hands for no reason
But what was I supposed to do?
How was I supposed to know how to use a tube amp?
How was I supposed to know how to drive a van?
How was I supposed to know how to ride a bike without hurting myself?
How was I supposed to know how to make dinner for myself?
How was I supposed to know how to hold a job?
How was I supposed to remember to grab my backpack after I set it down to play basketball?
And how was I supposed to know how to not get drunk every
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and why not Sunday?
(How was I supposed to know how to steer this ship?)
How was I supposed to know how to steer this ship?
How the hell was I supposed to steer this ship?
It was an expensive mistake
You can’t say you’re sorry and it’s over
I was given a body that is falling apart
My house is falling apart
And I was given a mind that can’t control itself
(And what about the pain I’m in right now?)
And I was given a ship that can’t steer itself
(And what about a vacation?)
And what about a vacation to feel good?
My horse broke his back and left me here
How was I supposed to know?
Let us take you back to where we came in
We were united, an undivided nation
We got divided, it was something inside us
And it was not us
“Connect the Dots (The Saga of Frank Sinatra)”
This one’s about Toledo being told by most people in his life, particularly his parents, that his youthful dreams of making it as a rock star were silly, that nothing he dreamed of would happen. The song feels defiant and triumphant: you ignore the advice and opinions of those who can’t glimpse the target you aim for, and you forge ahead with manly obstination until you finally achieve the goal of all creatives: “We’re never gonna, never gonna get a job.”
Little boy says I’ll be in love with my fists
Little boy says I’ll be in love with my punches
Little boy says, “What should I do with my hands, mom?”
Little boy is told not to do anything wrong
When I die I’ll be taken to the constellations
Have a drink, relax, there’ll be some introductions
This is Cassiopeia, this is Orion
This is Cindy and this is Nathan
That’s Chrissy and the other Nathan
I know that it’s a lot to remember says mother
I know that it’s a lot to remember says father
I know that it’s a lot to remember says mother
I know that it’s a lot to remember says father
I speak these words in utter isolation
I drive the car in a line from star to stardom
Little boy says I’ll touch the heart of the nation
Little boy says I’ll punch the heart of everyone
I know that it’s a lot to remember says mother
I know that it’s a lot to remember says father
I know that it’s a lot to remember says mother
I know that it’s a lot to remember says someone
You won’t see who you want to see there
No one will want to be in your band
You’ll have to learn how to make it on your own
Spend a little time with your own hand
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
And we’re never gonna, never gonna get a job
The Domains of the Emperor Owl 