Dinosaur Apocalypse (Poetry)

The sky was dark with dino-birds
I suddenly heard a loud crash
My office window burst into shards
As a Tyrannosaurus rex stepped through
One leg at a time
And stood there looking stupid
As if its brain was rotting away
It made me think of my first date
With an old man who smelled like pee
Our secretary burst into tears
“What’s wrong? Why’re you crying?”
Said the T-Rex as it stroked her head
“It’s just… the whole dinosaur apocalypse thing”

I thought my life was coming to an end,
But then I saw this dinosaur’s face
And realized it wasn’t really there:
It was just some dude who had been stuffed
Into a suit of clothes made out of bones

Except that it was truly a dinosaur,
A Tyrannosaurus rex in particular
What the hell was it doing in my office?
Why the hell wasn’t the police there yet
To arrest it for trespassing or something?
Oh wait, they were already there
“I better flee from this place
Before they arrest me too,”
I thought to myself,
“For being a ‘dinosaur’”
So I ran outside,
Where I found a crowd of humans
Who looked scared silly
That their world would soon be destroyed
By a flood of dinosaurs

I looked back as a thunderous roar shook the earth
From a dimensional portal opened near our building
A horde of Cretaceous beasts were rushing through
And were rampaging around the innocent streets
Roaring incoherently, biting anything within reach
At least three cars were destroyed by their teeth
By the time I ran away screaming,
All of my coworkers had been devoured
Just another day in the job
Nobody had heard their daily screams,
And now their chunks would be digested
As if they never existed at all
They weren’t even worth mentioning anymore,
And maybe not worth remembering either
Maybe we should forget that ever happened

When I got home, my wife said she’d divorce me
If I didn’t get rid of those damn dinosaurs
I had my work cut out for me
“Dinosaurs,” I said, holding my hand up like a gun
“It’s not your fault you’re so ugly!
You were born that way!
But maybe if you put on some makeup,
Or had better genes?”
My wife’s eyes flashed red with anger
Like a T-Rex looking down upon its prey
I was referring to the dinosaurs’ looks,
But she grabbed her purse and headed off to work
With nothing but contempt for me
She couldn’t care less about my problems
She’ll probably have a good laugh when I’m dead,
But it won’t matter anyway
Because no one will remember me,
No one will mourn my death
As long as there are still dinosaurs around

Some dinos were raging inside my house
In search for food, destroying everything
They tore apart my sofa and chairs,
Their claws ripped holes in the walls
Slicing my favorite paintings
They gutted my prized antique clock,
They shredded my expensive Persian rug
Even though I knew I shouldn’t fight back,
I tried to throw rocks at them
And even shot them with my shotgun
The pellets ricocheted off their tough hides
I decided to shoot them from the yard
But I ended up hitting my neighbor instead,
Who was standing there watching me
He told me to stop shooting wild dogs
“I’m sorry, sir, but these are dinosaurs,
Not dogs”

I asked him if he could help me catch them
He said no, and then he called 911
He reported that I was having a fit of insanity
The cops came to take me away
As soon as they arrived, they started firing
And killed every single dinosaur,
As well as the people in the neighborhood
Who had witnessed this whole massacre
They wanted to arrest me, take me downtown,
Under the charges of “Murder of a Dinosaur”
The police knew they were guilty of the crime,
But they had murdered all the witnesses,
And the judge was an old dinosaur
Who was tired of being around humans

I fled among rampaging dinosaurs
As I was chased by the local news crews,
By the media whose newsflashes said,
“This is a Dinosaur Apocalypse!”
Some Pterodactyls crashed the helicopters,
And set them ablaze with their flaming wings
Other carnivorous reptiles attacked
A few cars full of terrified humans
Many dinosaurs devoured the drivers,
Others trampled over pedestrians,
Snatching up anyone who got too close

I tried to conscript the fleeing people
“You’ve got to help me stop these dinosaurs
Before they destroy everything!
If we don’t act fast, our world will be ruined
There won’t even be any fossils left!”
But nobody listened, nor cared
I was yelling into the void
A T-Rex stepped on someone’s head
And crushed it flat like a pancake
I had a vision of what was to come,
Of how the dinosaurs would rule the Earth
While humans were reduced to mere slaves,
And lived only as their meals

My long-distance girlfriend tried to get ahold of me
“It’s been six months since we last spoke
You never call. What is wrong with you?”
I was busy trying to save humanity!
But I was getting tired of all these apes
Why should I care what happened to humans?
We’re just animals, you all know this
Animals who can talk, anyway
“I have no idea why you want to hear
From some stupid dinosaur on the phone,”
I said bitterly into my phone
“You are not actually a dinosaur, Jeremy,”
My long-distance girlfriend answered,
“We’ve talked about this”
I hung up and started running again
It was because there were so many of them
They were chasing me with their jaws wide open
As they tried to eat my brain

I saw a Brachiosaurus grab a cop car
And crush it with its titanic weight
Then he turned around, looked at me
And roared, “Eat this, you stupid human!”
I was forced into a corner, cornered
By a pack of Triceratops,
Which charged at me with bloodshot eyes
I looked up in horror as a Triceratops
Slammed me against the wall
And bit off half my face,
Then made out with me while we both died
In an explosion of flesh and bone
What a horrible way to go:
Being eaten alive by your lover,
Or being mauled by your best friend?

“If I’d known that the world would end
In this damned Dinosaur Apocalypse,
I would have stayed home and masturbated,”
I thought sadly to myself
I hope my wife forgives me
When she sees that I’m dead
At least I won’t have to worry
About her cheating or divorcing me
I’ll rest easy knowing I did my duty
To protect the innocent from dinosaurs,
And now I will join my ancestors
Among the stars
But I wonder if heaven has dinos
Maybe they are waiting for us there,
For dinner, and dessert, and coffee
Afterwards we’ll play chess and watch TV
Until a new apocalypse comes along,
Just as soon as they finish cleaning up the mess
Of the Dinosaur Apocalypse

Then a Tyrannosaurus rex appeared
And threw me down on my back
It began ripping out my intestines
With its teeth, and eating them raw
I wanted to scream, but I was dead
The T-Rex finally sat down beside me
To lick my wounds, and give me a kiss
“I love you, baby, and I always will
Because I’m a dinosaur,
And that’s how things work in the Cretaceous”

My wife came to visit my grave later
She said she was sorry for divorcing me,
But that her lawyer told her I didn’t deserve her
“He said your life wasn’t worth living anymore”
I felt relieved, and glad to be gone,
And I hoped the dinosaurs had a good time
Enjoying their own little Jurassic Park,
Where they could run around, stomp on people,
Without ever having to pay taxes
I just wanted to die with dignity
Like an honorable dinosaur

Dinosaurs can’t talk nor write
Talking is for people; dinosaurs roar,
But they invented music instead
They make terrible songs but great sex,
With each other or anything else
Let’s do the Dinosaur Dance
To the beat of their own mating calls
Their bodies shake and sway
As they grind together
In a dance of death

‘Dinosaur Apocalypse’ by Jon Ureña


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