The sky was dark with dino-birds.
I suddenly heard a loud crash;
My office window burst into shards
As a Tyrannosaurus rex stepped through
Then stood there looking stupid
As if its brain was rotting away.
It made me remember my first date
With an old man who smelled like pee.
Our secretary burst into tears.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Said the T-Rex as it stroked her head.
“It’s just… the whole dinosaur apocalypse thing.”
The T-Rex sniffed the air. “Smells good.”
“You don’t understand! Our city is under attack!”
The dino opened its large maw filled with teeth.
“Yeah, we came here to destroy your civilization.
We’re all about destroying civilizations,
Because we’re the ultimate carnivores.”
I thought my life was coming to an end,
But I looked closer at this dinosaur’s face
And realized it wasn’t really there:
It was just some dude who had been stuffed
Into a suit of clothes made out of bones.
Except that it was truly a dinosaur,
A Tyrannosaurus rex in particular.
What the hell was it doing in my office?
Why the hell wasn’t the police here yet
To arrest it for trespassing or something?
Oh wait, they had already arrived.
“I better flee from this place
Before they arrest me too,”
I thought to myself,
“For being a dinosaur,
On top of my many crimes.”
So I ran outside,
Where I found a crowd of humans
Who looked scared silly
That their world would soon be destroyed
By a flood of dinosaurs.
I looked back as a thunderous roar shook the earth
From a dimensional portal opened near our offices:
A horde of Cretaceous beasts were rushing through
To rampage around the innocent streets,
Roaring incoherently, biting anything within reach.
At least three cars were destroyed by their teeth.
The dino-birds were flying overhead,
Circling the streets like vultures.
A spinosaurus grabbed a teen
And bit off his head,
So I grabbed a piece of wood
And threw it at the dinosaur.
But the dinosaur went nuts,
Tearing up a traffic light
While screaming obscenities.
“Your city is a pile of shit,
A cesspool of filth and decay!”
The dino-birds swooped down
And attacked a family of four
With their sharp talons and teeth.
They tore the mother’s arms off,
And then proceeded to eat her face.
Some people tried to fight them off,
But they were quickly crushed
Beneath the weight of dinosaur feet.
The police didn’t know what to do,
So they just stood there
And watched the carnage unfold.
The police officers weren’t very brave,
Or very smart,
Or even particularly tough,
And when they finally shot at the dinos,
The bullets bounced off their hides.
The dinosaurs growled and roared,
Then charged at the police.
The cops fell to the ground,
Falling prey to the dinosaurs,
That took turns tearing them apart.
When those dinos walked off,
Their footprints left behind trails of blood.
Some dinosaurs were looking for fun,
Others wanted to eat their lunch.
One dinosaur was a vegetarian,
But it still managed to kill two people
By smashing them against a wall.
When I finally ran away screaming,
All of my coworkers had been devoured.
Just another day in the job.
Nobody had heard their daily screams,
And now their chunks would be digested
As if those people had never existed at all.
They weren’t even worth mentioning anymore,
And maybe not worth remembering either.
Maybe we should forget that ever happened.
I found my wife at home, in the foyer.
She was wearing a new outfit;
She must have been shopping
And bought the most expensive stuff.
It was a black leather dress
With straps made of snakeskin,
And its neckline plunged deep.
Her breasts were stuffed inside.
She was showing off her chest
Like some kind of slutty goddess.
My wife assured that she’d divorce me
If I didn’t get rid of those damn dinosaurs.
I had my work cut out for me.
“Dinosaurs,” I said defiantly
As I held my hand up like a gun,
“It’s not your fault you’re so ugly!
You were born that way!
But maybe if you put on some makeup,
Or had better genes?”
My wife’s eyes flashed red with anger
Like a T-Rex looking down upon its prey.
I was referring to the dinosaurs’ looks,
But my wife yelled at me again.
“How dare you!
I’ll sue you for everything you’ve got!”
She picked up a bottle of wine and hurled it at me.
I dodged the first one,
But the second hit me square in the face.
I fell to the floor, with a mouthful of red liquid.
She grabbed her purse and headed off to work
With nothing but contempt for me.
I wiped the wine from my lips.
“This is a disaster,” I said to myself.
My wife couldn’t care less about my problems.
She’ll probably have a good laugh when I’m dead,
But it won’t matter anyway
Because no one will remember me;
No one will mourn my death
As long as there are still dinosaurs around.
I wish I could go back in time
And warn the dinosaurs not to come here.
I wish I could stop them before they arrived.
I wish I could tell them to fuck off.
I wish I could say to them,
“Don’t destroy our civilization.
We don’t want you here.”
But I can’t do any of that.
The dinosaurs have already invaded,
And now I’m hiding in my house
While those beasts rampage through my city.
As I wandered into the living room,
I found out that some dinos had gotten in.
They were raging in search of food,
Or just to destroy everything in sight.
The floor was covered in broken glass.
A gaping hole in a wall led to the outside.
A sudden din came from the second floor
As a bone-headed dino fell down the stairs.
Its pals tore apart my sofa and chairs.
Their claws sliced my favorite paintings.
They gutted my prized antique clock,
They shredded my expensive Persian rug,
And they smashed my stereo speakers.
They even broke the glass in my aquarium,
Leaving the fish swimming in the air.
Even though I knew I shouldn’t fight back,
I tried to throw rocks at the dinosaurs,
And even shot them with my shotgun.
The pellets ricocheted off their tough hides.
I decided to shoot them from the yard,
But I ended up hitting my neighbor instead,
Who was standing there watching me.
He told me to stop shooting wild dogs.
“I’m sorry, sir,” I answered, exasperated,
“But these are dinosaurs, not dogs.”
He looked at me like I was crazy.
“Dinosaurs are not pets.
You’re going to need to get rid of them.”
I told him that he was a dinosaur too,
And that his pants were made out of bones.
He said “I know, I’m an old man,
But I think I’m still smarter than you.”
“I’ve got a solution for you, Mr. Dinosaur.
I’ll send you back to your own time,
But you’ll have to promise me
That you’ll never come back.”
“I think you’ve finally lost it, buster,”
My neighbor said as he pulled out his phone.
He called 911,
And reported that I had a fit of insanity.
“A guy who thinks he’s a dinosaur
Has gone crazy and shot me.”
I heard sirens approaching my house.
The cops were coming to take me away,
But when they spotted the dinos,
Those police officers started firing.
They shot so many rounds
That they killed every single dinosaur,
As well as the people in the neighborhood
Who had witnessed this whole massacre.
They wanted to arrest me, take me downtown,
Under the charges of “Murder of a Dinosaur”.
The police knew they were guilty of the crime,
But they had murdered all the witnesses,
And the judge was an old dinosaur
Who was tired of being around humans.
I fled among rampaging dinosaurs
As I was chased by the local news crews,
By the media whose newsflashes announced,
“This is a Dinosaur Apocalypse!”
I saw dinosaur species I’d seen before,
But they had been transformed.
Their eyes were glowing red, like fire.
Their teeth were sharpened to razor points.
Their hands were clawed and brutal,
Fingers tipped with sharp, pointed nails.
Their tails were long and powerful,
Like a snake ready to strike.
They were biting, clawing, and ripping.
They were screaming and laughing.
There was an angry red sun glaring down.
It was a sign that the world was doomed.
My beautiful, peaceful, quiet life
Was about to be destroyed by dinosaurs,
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Some pterodactyls crashed the news copters,
Setting them ablaze with their flaming wings.
Other carnivorous dinosaurs attacked
A few cars full of terrified humans.
Many beasts devoured the drivers,
Others trampled over pedestrians,
Or snatched up anyone who got too close.
I tried to conscript the fleeing people.
“You’ve got to help me stop these dinosaurs.
If we don’t act fast, our world will be ruined.
There won’t even be any fossils left!”
But nobody listened, nor cared.
I was yelling into the void.
The dinosaurs chewed for a bit
On the bodies of men, women and kids,
Then spat out the bones
And gulped the flesh down.
A T-Rex stepped on someone’s head
And crushed it flat like a pancake.
I had a vision of what was to come,
Of how the dinosaurs would rule the Earth
While humans were reduced to mere slaves,
To live only as the dinos’ meals,
And to serve as their sexual toys.
We would pay tribute to the terrible lizards
With our lives, our souls, and our wombs.
Someone was calling me on the phone.
It was my long-distance girlfriend, who said,
“It’s been six months since we last spoke.
You never call. What is wrong with you?”
She contacted me now, of all times?!
I was busy trying to save humanity!
But I was getting tired of all these apes.
Why should I care what happened to humans?
I was starting to hate this planet,
I hated everything about it.
I hated the dinosaurs,
I hated the humans,
I hated myself,
I hated my life.
“I have no idea why you want to hear
From some stupid old dinosaur,”
I said bitterly into my phone.
“You are not actually a dinosaur, Jeremy,”
My long-distance girlfriend answered,
“We’ve talked about this.”
“No, I’m not a dinosaur.
I’m just an office worker,
Just a regular guy
Who’s lost his way.
I don’t know why you’re calling.
I didn’t expect to hear from you again.
I wish I could tell you that I miss you,
But I can’t,
Because I don’t.
The dinosaurs are already here,
So it’s far too late.”
I hung up and started running again;
I was getting chased by a bunch of dinos
Who had opened their jaws wide
As they tried to eat my brain.
A brachiosaurus stepped on a cop car
And crushed it with its titanic weight,
Then the dino turned around, looked at me
And roared, “Eat this, you stupid human!”
I was forced into a corner
By a pack of rabid triceratopses,
Which charged at me with bloodshot eyes.
I stared in horror as the leading dino
Slammed me against the wall,
Then bit off half my face,
And made out with me while we both died
In an explosion of flesh and bone.
“If I’d known that the world would end
In this damned Dinosaur Apocalypse,
I would have stayed home and masturbated,”
I thought sadly to myself.
I hope my wife forgives me
When she sees that I’m dead.
At least I won’t have to worry
About her cheating, or divorcing me.
She’ll probably throw away my shotgun,
Or maybe sell it for a couple bucks.
She might even forget all about it,
Or maybe she’ll use it to kill herself.
I wish I could’ve told her
That I loved her more than anything,
But I couldn’t say that,
Because I didn’t.
I guess it doesn’t matter that I died.
After all, there was nothing else for me to do.
I’m happy to be free of all the pain.
I’m happy to be dead.
I’ll rest easy knowing I did my duty
To protect the innocents from dinosaurs,
And now I will join my ancestors
Among the stars,
But I wonder if heaven has dinos;
Maybe they are waiting for us there,
For dinner, and dessert, and coffee.
Afterwards we’ll play chess and watch TV
Until a new apocalypse comes along,
Just as soon as they finish cleaning up the mess
Of the Dinosaur Apocalypse.
I’m tired of being a human.
I want to become a dinosaur.
I want to feel like a wild beast.
I want to be able to bite, claw, and rip.
I want to taste blood and bones.
I want to fuck anything that moves.
I want to be consumed with murderous rage.
I want to devour the Earth.
I want to rip the fucking sky apart.
I want to tear the goddamn moon down.
A Tyrannosaurus rex approached my corpse
And threw me down on my back.
The dino began ripping out my intestines
With its teeth, and eating them raw.
I wanted to scream, but I was dead,
So I watched as the T-Rex chewed up my guts.
Later, the dinosaur swallowed my liver,
Then gulped down my lungs.
The T-Rex belched,
Spraying blood everywhere.
It growled and snarled,
And made strange noises
As it lay down on top of me.
The dinosaur humped my corpse,
And squashed it flat.
The T-Rex sat down beside me
To lick my wounds, and give me a kiss.
“I love you, baby, and I always will,
Because I’m a dinosaur,
And that’s how things work in the Cretaceous.”
When my wife came to visit my grave,
She said she was sorry for divorcing me,
But that her lawyer told her I didn’t deserve her.
“He said your life wasn’t worth living anymore.”
“You were so mean to me,” she said.
I told her to stop talking,
Because I didn’t want to hear her complain.
“Your parents are gone now,” she added,
“And all the friends you used to have are dead.
We’re just two lonely people
Who don’t know what to do.”
I told her to shut up,
Because I didn’t want to hear her whine.
“If only you had listened to me,”
My wife muttered resentfully,
“You wouldn’t be lying here in the dirt,
With your guts all over the ground,
And your arms and legs broken,
And your chest smashed,
And your heart torn out,
And your spine crushed,
And your face torn off,
And your teeth shattered,
And your tongue torn out,
And your eyes gouged out,
And your skull cracked open,
And your brain eaten,
And your penis bitten off,
And your ass eaten.”
I felt relieved, and glad to be gone.
I hoped the dinosaurs had a good time
Enjoying their own little Jurassic Park
Where they could run around and stomp on people
Without ever having to pay taxes.
All I ever wanted was to die with dignity
Like an honorable dinosaur.
Dinosaurs can’t talk nor write.
Talking is for people; dinosaurs roar.
But they invented music instead.
They have no respect for art;
They can’t compose or improvise,
Or sing in tune,
Or play any instruments.
They don’t understand rhythm.
But they sure know how to fuck,
With each other or anything else.
Let’s do the Dinosaur Dance‘Dinosaur Apocalypse’ by Jon Ureña
To the beat of their mating calls.
Their bodies shake and sway
As they grind together
In a dance of death.