Songs for Our Duchess (Short Story)

A stone-built great hall extends in long perspective. Narrow arched windows high on the left wall admit pale daylight that falls in slanted beams through dust-laden air. At the center, a low dais supports a heavy oak-and-iron throne with a tall backboard carved with a bestial crest; short spikes edge the armrests. A fur pelt drapes over the seat. A longsword rests upright against the throne’s left arm. The floor is rough flagstone, and a dark, dried stain marks the step of the dais.

Courtiers occupy the side aisles, leaving a clear central path to the throne. Most wear dark cloaks and layered wool; a few armored guards stand among them. Wall sconces hold lit candles and torches that flicker in the still air. Red banners bearing a heraldic creature hang between the windows and along the opposite wall. Thick stone columns support the vaulted ceiling overhead.

Standing before the throne is a gigantic figure—Bogdana Avalune. Her hulking frame towers above the assembled court, fair-skinned and lean-muscled beneath her attire. Long, tousled black hair falls past scarred shoulders. Brown, almond-shaped eyes survey the hall. She wears a deep-crimson structured bodice that contrasts with fitted black leather trousers and rugged knee-high combat boots. A steel collar embellished with black diamonds and silver spikes encircles her throat.

“The lute-player approaches. Good. I’ve been anticipating this meeting,” she says, her voice carrying through the chamber.

She turns and lowers herself onto the throne, settling back against the carved wood. The fur pelt shifts beneath her weight. Her scarred hands rest on the spiked armrests.

Murmurs ripple through the courtiers along the aisles—hushed, nervous whispers.

The great doors at the far end open. A young man enters and begins walking down the central aisle. He is short, with an athletic, lean build. Round eyes survey the throne room as he walks. Short wavy brown hair frames his face. He wears a traveler’s tunic, soft brown shoes, a plain leather belt.

Joel Overberus stops on the red carpet that leads to the throne. He glances briefly toward the courtiers, then fixes his gaze on the massive figure occupying the seat of power. From within his traveling cloak, he produces a lute. His fingers find the strings, plucking a melody as he begins to sing:

“Mistress of the night, ruler of the world. Malicious tongues speak of demonic influences bringing her highness to this world, yet her beautiful features, enhanced by scars, speak of the divine. Wider than two men, taller than all, capable of mowing down whole armies by her naked self as her huge dong swings. Duchess Bogdana Avalune herself, inviting a lowly traveling minstrel to her domains! To what do I owe the honor?”

His fingers tighten on the strings, setting a taut note that hangs in the air.

Bogdana’s gaze holds steady on the young musician.

Joel’s fingers move across the lute strings again, plucking effortlessly. He begins his second verse:

“I’ve met many folks throughout the lands, even lands abroad, and I can tell those who have known the duchess by the bowed way they walk. Broken and conquered, too shameful to speak about their memories. And yet there are some, women and men alike, that react to Bogdana’s name with a dreamy sigh, even though they bear the scars their duchess blessed them with. Nowhere else in the breadth of this world could anyone find a ruler with such a personal care for their subjects. One they shall never forget.”

His fingers set a teasing tone. The notes fade into the vaulted space.

Still she says nothing. The wait stretches.

Joel closes his eyes. His fingers weave a melodic phrase across the strings.

“Even to my lowly ears came the news of a portent that happened mayhap a year ago. An evening when Bogdana, ruler of the night, was hanging out at a balcony when she saw luminous balls in the sky. She shook her tremendous fist at them and screamed, ‘Don’t just waltz around in the air, you fiends! Come at me!’ And so they did! The three luminous balls, a flying vehicle they turned out to be, descended and shot a beam of light at our duchess. But this beam didn’t hurt her; instead, it attracted her inside the ship! There, she met three green-skinned, five-eyed creatures from another world! They told Bogdana that they came from a star many leagues above. They wanted to show our duchess around, but she had no time for nonsense from another world, so she started punching heads until every foreign fiend was gone. Then the vehicle crashed into some hills, and exploded. But Bogdana’s majestic frame stepped out of the wreck and the flames. She merely dusted off her leather pants before walking back home.”

The young musician’s fingers shift across the strings, drawing out a different quality of sound—mellower, almost contemplative. His voice softens.

“Yet at the end of the day, when night falls on the duchess’ domain, when the wounded have retreated to their hovels and all the seed has been spent, Bogdana Avalune, unique in the world, retires to her peace among paper and dried ink. Books upon books, knowledge of all ages, topics that most mortals will never know, won’t even wonder about. Beyond the lowly mortals that crane their necks to look up at her majesty, there exist realms that perhaps not even her highness’ might may fully know.”

He plays a final melodic phrase. The notes cascade and fade. His fingers still on the strings. The lute falls silent, and he lowers it to his side.

The silence stretches through the hall.

“Good. Very good, Joel Overberus,” she says. “You’ve done your research, haven’t you? Those weren’t improvised verses—you’ve listened to the whispers, collected the stories, woven them into something approaching art.”

She places her palms flat on the armrests and pushes herself upward, rising to her full height. She towers above the assembled court, her head well above the tall backboard. The candlelight casts her shadow long across the flagstones.

“Three songs,” she continues. “The first established my physical supremacy—scars as divine beauty, my size, my power, even my royal cock. Flattering, accurate, and bold. The second revealed understanding of my psychological impact—the broken and the devoted, those too ashamed to speak and those who sigh at my name. You recognized that terror and desire are two sides of the same coin where Bogdana is concerned.”

She moves forward. Her boot lands on the first step of the dais. The impact echoes through the stone hall. She descends another step, then another. Each footfall reverberates in the vaulted space.

“The third? Pure mythology. Aliens from the stars, cosmic battles, fabricated grandeur. But that’s exactly what legend-making requires, isn’t it? Truth becomes myth becomes immortality.”

She reaches the bottom of the dais and pauses on the red carpet. She stands perhaps fifteen paces from Joel, looking down at him.

“And then your final verse. Books and knowledge, realms beyond mortal understanding. You saw past the violence to the library, to the scholar beneath the tyrant. Very perceptive. So tell me, lute-player—did you come here hoping to leave alive? Or did you accept that performing for the Duchess of the Dark Motherland might be your final act?”

Joel shifts his weight. He executes a deep, elaborate bow—his right arm sweeping outward, his torso bending forward, his head lowering. He holds the position for a moment, then straightens.

“Mother Goddess, as a knight’s terror and hope is to one day face and vanquish a dragon, such is the terror and hope of an artist to find themselves before the most magnificent, and frankly terrifying, patroness of the arts of the whole Forgotten Kingdoms,” he says. “After hearing the tales, listening to the rumors, only the mad would dare to come willingly even if summoned. But nothing but pure madness prompts artists to insist on their trade. So, Duchess Bogdana Avalune called for a lowly musician such as me, and I came. If you decided to make this my final act, I would regret the pain, surely, but more so I’d regret the many songs I would have failed to create. It would be absurd to resist in any case. None can stand against your might.”

Bogdana takes another step forward. Then another. She closes the distance until she stands directly before him. Joel tilts his head back, craning his neck upward to maintain eye contact.

The duchess’ scarred face looms above him, blocking the torchlight from the sconces behind her. The scent of musk and leather fills the space between them.

“Madness, you say?” Bogdana’s voice drops lower. “Yes. I recognize that particular madness, Joel Overberus. The compulsion that drives artists to pursue their craft regardless of consequence.” She pauses. “You valued the songs you haven’t yet written more than the pain I might inflict. That’s truth. I respect truth. And you acknowledged my might without false bravado or pathetic groveling. That’s wisdom. I respect wisdom.”

Bogdana leans down slightly, bringing her face closer to his upturned one. Her long black hair falls forward over her shoulders.

“So tell me, lute-player—are you prepared to accept a commission from the Duchess of the Dark Motherland? To create songs that will echo through taverns and courts for generations? To make Bogdana Avalune immortal in music?”

Joel’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down. A boyish smile forms on his lips.

“Well, Duchess of the Dark Motherland, Sovereign of the Night, I know trick questions when they flow through my ears,” he says. “Am I prepared to accept a commission from Bogdana Avalune herself? There is no such thing as saying no, is there? Either I submit to your command, or I flee. And if I ran, I would wonder forever, assuming I kept my head, about the terror and glory of obeying your desire.”

He shifts his weight.

“As to whether I can make you immortal, as a humble citizen of your domains, one who now stands small and trembling before your musky, divine-demonic might, I truly wonder if you are physically able to die, whether of old age or any other cause. I’m sure that hundreds if not thousands of soldiers who charged at you wondered so as they lay bleeding on the ground.”

His smile widens slightly.

“Will I help with my arts in this endeavor for immortality? Surely! My concerns are of a more let’s say prosaic nature. Shall I serve you tea in your library as we speak about the wonders of the world at midnight? Or shall I start buying diapers for my inevitable incontinence?”

Several courtiers shift. The air feels charged.

Bogdana’s hand rises. Her fingers curl around Joel’s chin, the thumb resting against his jawline. The grip is firm, deliberate.

“Tea in my library at midnight. You’ve earned that much, lute-player,” she says. Her thumb brushes across his jawline in a slow movement. “Though I make no promises about your continence remaining intact. Bogdana takes what she wants, when she wants it. But first—yes, first we’ll discuss your commission properly. The songs you’ll create, the legacy you’ll build for me. You’ve demonstrated your research, your skill, your understanding of what drives me. Now I want to know what you envision. How will Joel Overberus immortalize the Duchess of the Dark Motherland? What verses will echo through taverns for generations? What melody will make them whisper my name with that perfect blend of terror and desire you sang about so beautifully?”

Her fingers tighten on his chin. The increased pressure tilts his face further upward.

“And don’t bore me with false modesty or safe answers. You came here accepting the madness of your profession. Show me that madness now. Tell me something bold.”

Joel’s eyes hold hers despite the grip on his chin.

“Mother Goddess, a version of Bogdana Avalune already travels through words, and sometimes music, across the breadth of the Forgotten Kingdoms,” he says, his voice steady despite the large fingers gripping his chin. “But in the case that a supreme being like yourself could actually perish, wouldn’t it be a tragedy if that ghost of Bogdana Avalune, the one being spoken about in town, in the shadows, would be the one to endure? I believe the true duchess remains unknown. She’s the one who breathes in dark, cold nights, seated at a balcony and staring at the stars. The one who puts on glasses to read the treatises brought over from distant kingdoms. The one who lies spent and sweaty after a profound defloration and sees inside her mind even darker holes growing far below. That duchess should be most remembered, I believe. And for that, I need to meet and know her. The Bogdana Avalune that exists when there’s nothing worth left to conquer.”

The hall falls quiet.

Bogdana’s fingers release his chin. Her hand drops to her side. She takes a single step backward, creating distance between them. Her eyes remain fixed on him, studying.

“You want to know the Bogdana Avalune that exists when there’s nothing worth left to conquer?” she says. “Bold question, lute-player. Very bold. Most would assume everything is worth conquering—that my appetite is infinite, insatiable. And they’d be right. But you’re suggesting there are moments when the conquest pauses, when the battle ends, when I’m… what? Alone with my thoughts?”

Her right arm extends, the scarred hand gesturing toward the great doors at the far end.

“You’ve earned your midnight tea in my library, Joel Overberus. We’ll discuss your commission properly—what songs you’ll create, what melodies will echo through taverns for generations. But first, you’ll tell me what you think you’ll find when you meet that version of me. The one who breathes in cold nights and stares at stars. The one who sees dark holes growing far below even after profound defloration. What do you expect to discover in those shadows?”

Joel’s expression shifts. His face contorts slightly, as if reacting to a sudden pain. He looks past her features toward something beyond—perhaps the throne, perhaps the shadows gathering in the vaulted ceiling above. His expression holds that distant focus for several seconds. Then he snaps back, meeting her gaze again. His chest rises and falls with a deep breath.

“What do I expect to discover? What I sense,” he says, his voice rougher now, the words emerging with a ragged quality. “A dark beyond darknesses. Not of violence, not of flesh being torn through extreme girth, but… a loneliness so cold it would burn at the touch. The loneliness of the most unique being in the world. One who can’t hope for an equal no matter how long she were to search. One who can never look up at anyone in respect.”

As the lute hangs from his left hand, his right hand curls into a loose fist, then relaxes. His round eyes hold the duchess’ domineering gaze without wavering.

The silence that follows extends through the great hall. The torches, flickering in their sconces, send shadows dancing across the flagstone floor, illuminating the dried stain on the dais step behind Bogdana’s towering frame.

“You’ve seen it, haven’t you?” Bogdana says. “That emptiness. Not through rumors or tales, but through your own artist’s eye. You looked past the violence and the conquest and the sexual domination, and you saw… the void. The hunger that nothing satisfies.”

Her voice drops lower, taking on a more intimate quality despite the watching crowd.

“Very few have ever articulated that particular truth, Joel Overberus. Very few would dare. But you did. You named the thing I myself cannot fully name. That dark beyond darknesses.”

She steps closer again, closing the distance she had created. Her frame once again looms directly above him. Joel tilts his head back further to maintain eye contact. The scent of musk and leather fills the narrow space between them.

“So yes. Midnight tea in my library,” she says. “We’ll discuss your commission—the songs you’ll create, the melodies that will echo through taverns for generations. But more than that, we’ll discuss what you think you’ll find when you meet that version of me. The one who breathes alone in cold nights. The scholar who sees dark holes growing far below. Show me what your artist’s vision perceives in those shadows, lute-player. Show me what even Bogdana cannot see in herself.”

The torches continue their flickering. The red banners hang still against the stone walls. Joel’s chest rises and falls with steady breaths, a boyish smile returning to his lips as he looks up at the massive figure towering above him.

THE END


Check out this lovely video about the story.

The Countdown Resets (Short Story)

The park opened up before her—a collection of stone benches and scraggly trees under scattered pools of amber light. Most of the benches sat empty. But one, near the far edge of a streetlight’s reach, held a figure.

A young man in his early twenties hunched forward on the stone seat, dressed in a thin jacket inadequate for the November chill. An earbud glinted in one ear. He bit into a sunflower seed, extracted the kernel with his tongue, and spat the shell onto the ground where dozens of others already lay scattered around his feet. His gaze seemed fixed on nothing in particular, somewhere past the pavement.

The woman approached, her footsteps audible on the path. She stopped at the edge of the bench’s light.

“Hey,” she said. “Mind if I sit?”

The young man’s head lifted. His eyes tracked to her face—pale skin, red eyes, features half-obscured by the hood. He held her gaze for a moment before she looked away.

“Sitting down next to a sketchy guy at 3 a.m., huh?” He cracked another seed between his teeth. “You got some guts.”

The woman sat down on the opposite end of the bench, maintaining space between them. She pulled her hood back slightly, revealing more of her face to the streetlight.

“Yeah, well, I’m sketchy too,” she said. “We’ll make a matching set.”

The young man leaned back against the bench, his shoulders settling against the stone. He cracked another sunflower seed between his teeth and spat the shell onto the growing pile at his feet. His gaze stayed on her face, lingering on her red eyes.

“I don’t know whether to tell you that I don’t deal,” he said, “or tell you that I don’t have any money.”

The woman’s expression didn’t change. She pulled her hands from her hoodie pocket and rested them on her knees.

“Relax, I don’t need a dealer and your wallet’s safe,” she said. “Just looking for a place to sit that isn’t completely soaked.”

His gaze shifted away from her, scanning the darkness beyond the bench. The earbud caught the light as he turned his head.

“Well… I guess you don’t want to sit in silence. What’s your deal? 3 a.m., a young woman alone. Are you nuts?”

She looked toward the darkness beyond the streetlight’s circle, then back at him. A small exhale, visible in the November air.

“Maybe a little nuts, yeah. But it’s 3 a.m. and you’re here too, so I figure we’ve both got our reasons for being awake when normal people are sleeping.” Her hand lifted, indicating the darkness. “Besides, sitting alone in my place was getting old. At least out here there’s… I don’t know, other people existing. Even if they’re strangers eating sunflower seeds in empty parks.”

He extracted another seed from the bag in his jacket pocket. His jaw worked around it before he spoke.

“The biological urge, right?” He spat the shell. “Talking to some meat sack that will speak back, even if you likely won’t ever see them again. Hell, maybe even better if you won’t ever see them again.” He paused, rolling the next seed between his fingers. “Don’t you hate it? That it came programmed in? I don’t like people. It’s not that I actively dislike them. More like… They make my skin crawl.”

The woman’s posture shifted slightly forward. Her eyes tracked to him, held there for several seconds.

“Yeah. The biological urge. It’s fucked up, isn’t it? That we’re hardwired to need connection even when we don’t want it, even when it makes everything harder. Like our bodies didn’t get the memo that we’re better off alone.” She pulled her hood down an inch. “And you’re right—sometimes it’s easier when you know you’ll never see them again. No follow-up, no accountability, just… a moment of existing with someone else and then it’s done.”

The young man bit into another seed. His eyes remained on the pavement ahead, but his head tilted slightly toward her voice.

“We’re better off alone. You got that right.” He reached into his pocket for another seed. “But you can’t choose to do that. Even if you headed to the woods, you’d be squatting on someone else’s property. I didn’t opt into this shit, this…” His hand made a sharp gesture toward the empty park. “…society. But we have to deal with it if only because some day we’ll catch some disease.”

The woman’s head turned toward him. She watched him crack another seed, the small sound distinct in the quiet.

“You’re right that we didn’t opt in,” she said. “But even if you go to the woods, you’re still operating within the system—squatting on someone’s property, like you said, or eventually needing medicine or…” Her shoulders lifted slightly. “…I don’t know, human contact that you hate but can’t escape. The trap isn’t just society, it’s that our bodies won’t let us actually leave. We’re wired to need things we’d rather not need. And that’s… that’s the real prison, isn’t it? Not the rules or the property or the people, but the fact that we can’t choose to stop needing any of it.”

He shook his head slowly, his gaze still fixed ahead.

“Pee. Shit. Eat three meals a day. Talk to other sentient apes so you don’t feel lonely. Seek a warm body in which to cum lest your chemical makeup penalizes you for refusing your imperative.” Another shell hit the pile at his feet. “We are imprisoned. We’re thinking clouds inside a convolution of matter, and we spend most of the day tending to this meat puppet we didn’t choose. A meat puppet that will decay and kill us along with it.”

The woman leaned forward, her forearms resting on her knees. Several seconds passed before she spoke.

“That’s exactly it. And the worst part? Even when you see it clearly, when you understand the trap, you still can’t escape it. You still need to eat. Still need to talk to someone at 3 a.m. so you don’t lose your mind. Still need to…” She gestured vaguely toward the darkness. “…participate in all this shit we never opted into. The body demands it even when the thinking part of you would rather not.”

The young man’s head turned. He looked straight into the night beyond the streetlight’s circle, his profile sharp in the amber glow.

“Wouldn’t it be better for it all to… cease?” His voice delivered the words flatly. “You know it in your bones, don’t you? It’s not going to get any better.”

The woman went still. Her breathing remained visible in the cold air, small clouds forming and dissipating. She stared into the same darkness he faced. The silence stretched between them—five seconds, ten. A car passed somewhere on a distant street, its engine fading.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe it would be better if it all just… ceased.” Her head turned toward him briefly, then away. “But I can’t answer that honestly. Because if I really believed it, I wouldn’t be here. I’d have ended it already. And I haven’t. So what does that make me? Someone who sees the trap clearly but keeps participating anyway? Someone too scared to actually commit to the logic of their own philosophy?” She lifted one hand and rubbed it across her face. The motion pulled her hood back further. “I think the worst part isn’t that it won’t get better. It’s that I keep hoping it might, even when I know better. That biological urge again—not just for connection, but for meaning. For something that makes the meat puppet maintenance worth it.” Her hand dropped back to her knee. “And I can’t tell if that’s human resilience or just… pathetic delusion.”

The young man cracked another seed between his teeth. He spat the shell onto the pile at his feet, his gaze fixed on the wet cobblestones.

“It is delusion. If we didn’t come in with built-in delusion, who would have opted to endure it? We would have gone extinct long ago.” He reached into his pocket for another seed. “Sure, cats, dogs, they don’t know any better. For anything sentient, they would have to choose correctly.” The seed cracked between his teeth. “We keep existing because some part of our brains is dedicated to lying to ourselves, or to itself perhaps, that its continuation is worth the pain. Not even for its own sake. But to create more versions of the instructions that built it.”

The woman looked at him for a long moment. Her eyes stayed on his profile, watching him crack another seed. Then she turned her gaze back to the darkness beyond the streetlight.

“I think you’re right about the delusion,” she said. “About the brain lying to itself to keep the machinery running. But here’s the thing—” She shifted slightly on the bench. “I don’t know if recognizing the delusion actually changes anything. Like, I can see it clearly, I can articulate it the same way you just did, and I’m still… here. Still participating. Still eating and talking and maintaining this meat puppet I didn’t choose. So what does that make the recognition worth? Just another layer of awareness that doesn’t lead anywhere?” She exhaled slowly, the breath visible in the November air. “Maybe the real trap isn’t the biological imperatives themselves. It’s that even when you see through them completely, you still can’t stop performing them. The insight doesn’t grant freedom—it just makes you more conscious of your own imprisonment.”

He leaned forward, forearms resting on his knees. The earbud glinted as his head tilted downward.

“It is a mockery. We, what we believe ourselves to be, aren’t worrying or despairing about the lack of meaning. Our brain is keeping us deluded so we continue operating it. But our brain is also the one who makes us recognize the absurdity of it.” His hand gestured vaguely toward his head. “The fact that we believe there is an ‘I’ that somehow looks at this from an elevated position is a delusion.” He extracted another seed from the bag. “You know about that guy, a couple hundred years ago maybe, that laid railroad tracks, right? Had something to do with trains anyway. One spike blew straight through his fucking frontal lobe. Didn’t kill him. Just changed who he was.” The seed cracked. “You take out one part of your brain and you’re no longer you. A stroke kills part of your brain and you’re no longer you.” The shell hit the pile at his feet. “That’s because the brain is making itself believe that it has choices.”

The woman went quiet. She stared at the wet cobblestones reflecting the amber streetlight, her posture still, her breathing visible in small clouds.

“You’re talking about the railroad spike guy,” she said finally. “Phineas Gage. And yeah, you’re right—take out one chunk of brain tissue and the whole ‘I’ thing collapses. Different person, same meat puppet. But here’s what fucks me up about that example. It’s not just that we’re not in control. It’s that there never was an ‘I’ making choices in the first place. Just…” Her hand lifted, fingers spreading. “…neurochemistry pretending to be agency, brain states pretending to be decisions.”

The young man turned his head to look at her directly. She kept her gaze on the cobblestones.

“And we can see it, articulate it, understand it completely—and it doesn’t change anything,” she continued. “I’m still sitting here at 3 a.m. talking to you like this conversation matters, like these words mean something, even though we both know it’s just… what? Electrical impulses in meat that’s lying to itself about being conscious?” She glanced at him, then back to the pavement. “The recognition doesn’t grant freedom. It just makes you more aware of the cage while you keep performing the same biological routines. Eating. Talking. Surviving. All of it automated, all of it predetermined by brain architecture we didn’t choose.” She pulled her hands from her knees and wrapped her arms around herself against the cold. “And the worst part? Even knowing that, I can’t stop hoping there’s something more. That’s the real mockery, isn’t it? The brain’s so good at lying to itself that even when you see through the delusion, you still participate in it.”

The young man leaned back against the bench. He cracked another seed, spat the shell, and looked up at the black sky beyond the streetlight’s circle. Several seconds passed. A breeze moved through the park, rustling the scraggly trees.

“I suppose we’re both beyond questioning what’s the point of it,” he said. His voice carried no particular weight. “Its existence is the point. Its own sake. Even if it’s meaningless. Even if it hurts.”

The woman’s eyes remained fixed on the wet cobblestones reflecting the streetlight’s amber glow. The silence extended. The young man cracked another seed. She glanced at him.

“I think that’s what fucks me up the most—not that we can’t find meaning, but that we keep looking for it anyway. Keep participating in all this biological bullshit even when we’ve articulated every reason not to. Like we’re hardwired to hope for something we can’t even name, and recognizing that doesn’t let us stop.” She exhaled slowly, the breath visible in the air. “So here we are. 3 a.m. in an empty park, two people who see the trap clearly, eating sunflower seeds and talking philosophy like it matters. And maybe it does. Or maybe we’re just… doing what the meat puppet demands. Connection, conversation, the illusion that this moment registers as something more than neurochemistry pretending to be consciousness.” Her gaze returned to the darkness beyond the streetlight’s circle. Several seconds passed without speech. “I don’t know which it is. But I’m glad you’re here anyway.”

The young man turned his head. His eyes—tired, heavy-lidded—settled on her face. The earbud caught the light as he moved.

“Are you?” His voice carried the same flat delivery. “Glad, I mean. I know what you are, what you came here to do. You can’t control it for much longer, can you?”

The woman went very still. Her red eyes locked on him, her body frozen in place. The only movement was her breathing, small clouds forming and dissipating in the cold air. She didn’t blink.

“Yeah. I know what I am.” Her voice remained steady. “And you’re right—I can’t control it for much longer. Three days, like clockwork.” She exhaled slowly, her shoulders lowering slightly. “But here’s the fucked up part. I came here to feed. That’s what I do—find someone isolated, someone vulnerable, and I… take what I need. But you started talking about meat puppets and biological imprisonment and the brain lying to itself about continuation, and suddenly I didn’t want to be a predator anymore. I wanted to be a person having a conversation with another person who sees the same trap I do.” She looked away, turning her gaze toward the darkness beyond the streetlight’s reach. “So yeah. I’m glad you’re here. Not because you’re a feeding target, but because for the last however many minutes, I got to pretend I’m something other than what my biology demands I be. That probably doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it makes perfect sense and that’s the real mockery—that even when you know exactly what you are and what you’re going to do, you still reach for moments that make you feel less monstrous. Even when they’re temporary. Even when they don’t change anything.”

The young man remained motionless on the bench. His eyes stayed on her profile, watching her stare into the darkness. The earbud in his ear caught the amber light, a small point of reflection in the November night. He extracted another seed from his bag and cracked it between his teeth.

“Well, at least you work for what you consume, don’t you?” He spat the shell onto the pile at his feet. “I see animal carcasses at a butcher shop and I wish to look away. Those things just wanted to live, and we kill them by the millions.” Another seed cracked. “I’m not a vegetarian. I eat animals while the thought runs through my mind that I’m having other living things killed for my sake even though I don’t want to live.”

The woman’s gaze stayed fixed on the wet cobblestones. Several seconds passed. Her breath formed small clouds in the cold air, visible in the amber streetlight. When she spoke, her voice carried the same flat quality his had.

“Yeah. I work for it.” She paused. “That’s… that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it? You eat animals while thinking they just wanted to live, while you don’t even want to be alive yourself. I feed on people while knowing it violates them, while wishing I could opt out of the whole biological countdown.” Her hand lifted slightly, then dropped back to her knee. “We both keep participating in harm we can articulate but can’t escape.”

The young man cracked another seed. The earbud glinted as he turned his head slightly toward her.

“The worst part isn’t the harm itself,” she continued. “It’s that recognizing it doesn’t change anything. You still need to eat. I still need to feed. The insight doesn’t grant freedom—it just makes you more conscious of being a mechanism acting out its programming. And we keep going anyway because… what? The brain’s too good at lying to itself about continuation mattering?” Her shoulders shifted slightly under the hoodie. “I don’t know if that’s tragic or just… the way meat puppets work.”

The young man’s head turned, his gaze fixed straight into the darkness beyond the streetlight’s circle. He reached down and set the packet of sunflower seeds on the stone bench beside him. His hand lifted to his neck, index finger extended, pointing to the pale skin below his jaw.

“Well, meat puppet, go ahead.” His voice carried the same flat delivery as before. “You know what you have to do.”

The woman went very still. Her red eyes fixed on the finger pointing to his neck, tracked the line from his hand to the exposed skin. Several seconds passed without movement from either of them. The only sound was the distant hum of a streetlight and their breathing visible in the cold air.

She shifted closer on the bench, the movement slow and deliberate. The space between them decreased. Her body angled toward him, shoulders turning.

“You understand what this is.” Her voice came out quiet, almost uncertain. “What I’ll take from you. Not just blood—the violation, the trauma, all of it. And you’re still offering.” She paused, her eyes searching his profile. “I don’t know if that makes you the most compassionate person I’ve met in forty years or the most self-destructive. Maybe both.”

Her hand lifted from her knee, reaching up slowly. She gave him time before her palm settled gently on his opposite shoulder. The contact steadied him, anchored him in place on the stone bench.

“This is going to hurt,” she said. “And you’re going to remember it. And I’m…” Her voice caught slightly. “I’m sorry that this is what I am.”

She leaned in. Her mouth opened, revealing elongated canines that caught the amber streetlight. Her head tilted, angling toward the spot where his finger had pointed. Then her fangs sank into his flesh.

His body jerked—a sharp inhale, a gasp that broke the quiet of the empty park. A tremor ran through him, visible in the way his shoulders shook, the way his free hand clenched against his thigh. But he remained seated, didn’t pull away, didn’t fight. His head tilted further to the side, exposing more of his neck to her mouth.

The ragged quality of his voice vibrated against her fangs, the words formed through controlled breaths.

“One of your kind got me a year ago,” he said. The tremor continued through his frame, small shakes that traveled from his shoulders down to his hands. “Just as I was walking home from one of my night outings to figure out if I was still alive.” He exhaled shakily. “Then he or she abandoned me on the grass with a burning wound in my neck.” Another breath, catching slightly. “And as I lay there, I thought, ‘They should have fucking drained me.'”

The woman’s hand tightened slightly on his shoulder. Her other hand came up to brace against his upper arm, steadying both him and herself. She remained there, feeding, her mouth pressed against the wound in his neck. The movement was slow, controlled, despite the visible tension in her shoulders. Her breath came in measured intervals between draws. The young man’s tremors persisted, traveling through his frame where her hands braced him.

Her voice emerged muffled against his skin, trembling slightly around the words.

“They should have drained you. You wanted them to kill you.” She paused, her fangs still embedded in the flesh of his neck. “Is that what you’re offering me now? Feeding, or an exit? Because I need to know which one you’re asking for before I decide how much to take.”

The young man’s breathing had grown shallow, rapid. Another tremor ran through him, stronger than the previous ones. His head remained tilted to the side, exposing the wound and the blood seeping around her mouth.

“I don’t know.” His voice came out strained. “I don’t know if I care. If feeding from me gives you something of value, I guess that’s good. And if you kill me, I guess that’s fine too.” The tremor intensified for a moment, then settled into the same persistent shake. “The same thing is waiting for me at the end of either route.”

The woman remained there, drinking. Her hands on his shoulder and arm maintained their pressure, steadying him as his breathing grew more ragged. The pile of sunflower seed shells lay scattered at their feet, undisturbed. The distant hum of the streetlight continued. Her shoulders rose and fell with each controlled breath between draws.

Then she stopped. Her fangs withdrew slowly from the wound, the movement deliberate and careful. Blood remained wet on her lips, dark in the amber streetlight. She pulled back slightly, creating space between them on the bench. Her hands dropped from his shoulder and arm. Her red eyes lifted to meet his face.

“I’m not going to kill you.” Her voice carried clearly now. “You said ‘fine either way,’ but fine isn’t consent. Fine is resignation. And I’m not going to be the mechanism of your death wish just because you won’t stop me.” She reached up and wiped the blood from her lips with the back of her hand. Her gaze remained on his face, on his tired, heavy-lidded eyes. “I took what I needed. The countdown resets. You get to keep existing whether you want to or not.” Her hand dropped back to her lap. “And maybe that makes me a bigger monster—taking your choice away by refusing to kill you—but I can’t…” She paused, her shoulders shifting slightly under the hoodie. “I won’t cross that line. Not tonight.”

His jaw clenched, teeth grinding together. He lifted his hand slowly to his neck, fingers pressing against the wound. A drop of blood slid down the pale skin, darkening his fingertips red. His head turned slightly toward her, not fully facing her, just enough to bring her into his peripheral vision.

“I’m already woozy. It comes with the territory, I guess. Well, what did your meat puppet tell you now that you have obeyed? Good job?”

The woman raised the back of her hand to her mouth, wiping away the remaining blood from her lips. The motion was slow, deliberate. Then she looked at him for a long moment, her red eyes steady on his face.

“My meat puppet told me I get to exist for another three days. That I successfully completed the biological countdown without killing the person who offered me permission to.” She went quiet, her gaze dropping to the wound on his neck. “You’re woozy because I just took about a pint of your blood. You should sit still for a few minutes, let your body compensate. Drink something with sugar when you get home.” She exhaled slowly, the breath visible. “And yeah. Good job, I guess. I proved I can still choose restraint when someone won’t stop me. That I’m something slightly more than just appetite with fangs.” Her eyes lifted to meet his. “That’s what my meat puppet told me. What did yours tell you? Because you’re still here too, even though you wanted that other vampire to drain you. Even though you said the same thing is waiting either way. So what does that make us? Two biological machines that can see the programming clearly but can’t stop executing it?”

The young man’s hand remained pressed to his neck, blood seeping between his fingers. His head turned more fully toward her, his tired eyes locking onto her red ones.

“Even those that see the programming clearly and do stop executing it, let’s say by jumping off a fucking bridge, were still acting on their programming. It just wasn’t very good programming. Or it was, depending on what you believe the main objective to be.” His gaze held steady on her face. “I look at you and at what you have done to me and I don’t have a single thought in my mind. Not any that I don’t need to force myself to scoop out of my brain. What does that mean?”

The woman went still. Her eyes remained on his face, searching. Several seconds passed without either of them moving. The distant hum of the streetlight continued.

“I don’t know what it means.” She reached up slowly, her hand moving toward his face. Her thumb extended, making contact with his cheek. She wiped across the skin with her thumb in a single, tender stroke. “Maybe it means your brain’s protecting you from processing what just happened. Maybe it means you’ve already processed so much shit that this doesn’t register anymore. Or maybe…” She paused, her thumb still resting against his cheek. “…maybe it means exactly what you said earlier. That we’re thinking clouds trapped in meat puppets, and sometimes the machinery just… doesn’t generate the response we expect it to. The emotional operating system looks for a reaction and finds nothing, and that absence is just as real as feeling would be.”

Her hand dropped away from his face, returning to her lap. She remained facing him, her posture open, waiting.

He sat there, his gaze shifting away from her toward the darkness beyond the streetlight’s circle. His hand stayed pressed to the wound on his neck. His chest rose and fell with steady breathing, the visible clouds forming and dissipating in the cold air. Five seconds passed. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. The park remained empty except for the two of them on the stone bench.

“Do you also wake up from dreams,” he asked, “even nightmares at times, to see your ceiling, or I guess in your case some random ceiling, and think, ‘Why did I have to spend about eight hours hallucinating stuff that even at its worst is much better than my life?'”

The woman’s gaze lifted from the wet cobblestones to the darkness beyond the streetlight’s circle. Her shoulders rose slightly with an inhale, then fell.

“Yeah. Every fucking night.” She paused, her eyes tracking across the empty park. “I used to dream about—doesn’t matter what. Point is, even the worst nightmare was better than waking up to this. At least in dreams you get narrative, right? Cause and effect, some kind of structure. Even if it’s terrifying, it follows its own logic. But then you wake up and it’s just… this. The same biological countdown, the same empty hours, no plot development. Just maintenance and survival on loop.” She exhaled slowly. “Sometimes I think the brain generates dreams to remind us what meaning used to feel like. Or what we imagine it felt like. Then we wake up and remember that was the delusion, and this—” Her hand lifted, gesturing vaguely at the empty park, the wet cobblestones, the darkness pressing in around them. “—this is what’s real.”

The young man’s head shook slowly.

“Or maybe dreams provide a respite in which meaning returns. Otherwise we would exist in a single-threaded succession of meaninglessness that would inevitably lead us to despair. Maybe that’s why people who can’t sleep eventually die. Their very organism can no longer take it.” He shook his head again. “You know, for a while I thought that you had it better than me, but…” He paused, his gaze shifting to her face. “You can’t feel the sun on your skin, can you? The very thing that gives life to everything else would burn it out of you. And yet you keep going.”

The woman went quiet. Her eyes remained fixed on the darkness beyond the streetlight’s circle. Several seconds passed without speech, without movement except for her breathing visible in the cold air.

“Yeah. I can’t feel the sun on my skin. Haven’t felt it in forty years.” Her voice carried the same flat quality. “Sometimes I dream about it—standing in daylight, feeling warmth instead of terror. Then I wake up and remember that’s the one thing I can never have again. The thing that gives life to everything else would burn me alive in minutes.” She exhaled slowly. “But you’re right. I keep going anyway. Even knowing what I’ve lost, what I do to survive, all the biological maintenance and violation and emptiness… I keep participating. Maybe that’s the real mockery—not that we’re trapped in meat puppets, but that even when we see the cage completely, when we’ve articulated every reason to stop, we still can’t make ourselves quit.” She paused, her shoulders shifting slightly under the hoodie. “So here we are. Two people who know exactly what continuation costs, sitting in an empty park at 3 a.m., still breathing. Still existing despite everything.”

She leaned toward him. Her head came to rest against his shoulder, the weight settling there. Her hood slipped back further, revealing more of her pale face to the amber streetlight. She remained there, still, her breathing visible in small clouds that formed and dissipated.

The young man’s arm extended along the back of the bench. His hand reached her head. He patted her twice, the motion gentle, then let his hand rest there. The pile of sunflower seed shells remained scattered at their feet. A breeze moved through the scraggly trees.

Time passed—a minute, two. Her head remained on his shoulder. His hand stayed on her head. Their breathing continued to form small clouds in the cold air.

The young man’s voice broke the silence.

“So, what do you usually do after you pull your fangs out of someone’s neck? Run?”

The woman’s head lifted slightly from his shoulder, then settled back down. Several seconds passed before she spoke.

“Yeah. Usually I run. Feed, pull out, disappear before they can process what happened or I have to see what I’ve done to them. That’s the pattern—forty years of it.” She went quiet for a moment. “But right now I don’t want to. Don’t know if that means anything, or if I’m just… delaying the inevitable. But sitting here with you after everything we just talked about, after you offered your neck knowing what I am—I don’t want to perform the disappearing act yet. Even though I probably will eventually. Because that’s what I do.”

“A hit-it-and-quit-it kind of gal, aren’t you?” He paused. “Well, you can’t help it. You’ll move out somewhere else until the heat goes down. Maybe I’ll catch a glimpse of you in the shadows during one of these 3 a.m. strolls. Maybe I’ll grow to be seventy and still see your young self prowling about.”

He went quiet. The distant hum of the streetlight continued. His breathing remained visible in the cold air, small clouds forming and dissipating.

“There’s something down there,” he said. “Something for which… I don’t have words. A sense of meaning at the bottom. Too far away for recognition. For attaching labels to it. Somewhere in that vast darkness. Like a fish barely seen under the water.”

The woman remained still against his shoulder. Several seconds passed before she spoke.

“That fish you’re talking about, I see it too. Or maybe I want to see it. I don’t know if that’s the same thing.” She exhaled slowly. “You said you might catch glimpses of me in forty years, still looking twenty-five while you’re seventy. That’s… fuck, that’s the first time anyone’s… Not ‘see you around’ like a polite lie, but actual recognition that I exist across time even when I’m not visible. That I might matter enough to register as a recurring presence in someone’s life instead of just… a bad thing that happened once.”

The young man’s voice emerged tired, dry.

“Don’t get me wrong. You’ll show up in my brain as a bad thing that happened to me once. In the company of everything else that appears from the past. Not the years I’ve lived. Just still photos, two-or-three-second clips of what I supposedly existed through. The feeling of your fangs piercing through my flesh. Your red eyes staring back at me. Reminders that I was here, in this park, at 3 a.m. I guess that will do.”

The woman went quiet. Her head remained resting against his shoulder, her breathing visible in the November air. When she spoke, her voice came out softer than before.

“You’re right. I’ll show up as a bad thing that happened. That’s what I am to people—a trauma they carry, a two-or-three-second clip that resurfaces at 3 a.m. But you said ‘I guess that will do.’ Like being remembered as something bad is still… something. Like existing in someone’s memory, even as a wound, still counts as having been here.” She exhaled slowly. “I don’t know if that’s bleak or if it’s the closest thing to comfort I’ve had in forty years. Maybe both. But yeah. That’ll do.”

THE END


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Blood Ties (Short Story)

Haritz stops at a point on the sidewalk, and I stop with him. The tall, older man looks up at a clean-looking apartment building—five stories high, probably built about a decade ago. So much nicer than my shithole. Then he looks down at me with that kindness in his eyes, the same gentleness that’s been unraveling me all afternoon.

“This is it, Ane. Where I live,” he says. “If you prefer, we can go up right now, so you can explore my apartment and see if you feel safe. Otherwise, I guess this would be where we part ways, and you’ll call or text me when you want to visit my place.”

My heart hammers against my ribs. This is it. Haritz’s apartment. Where he lives. He’s offering to let me see it right now—to explore it, to see if I feel safe. And fuck, I want to feel safe so badly it physically hurts.

This whole afternoon has been… God, it’s been everything I’ve fantasized about. A strong, protective man who sees past the whore everyone else sees. Who called me beautiful, who held me while I cried, who made me feel like I matter. Like I’m worth something beyond what my mouth can do.

Part of me is screaming that this is stupid, that I’m being reckless, that I don’t actually know this man. But… I’ve gotten pretty good at reading men, haven’t I? That’s my gift. And Haritz… he feels different. The way he touched my hair, kissed my forehead, the gentleness in his voice when he called me “baby girl.” That wasn’t a client’s manipulation. That was real tenderness. Real care.

And he’s giving me a choice. He’s not pressuring me. He’s saying I can go up now or wait, that I can call or text later. He’s respecting my agency in a way almost no man ever has. That… that means something, doesn’t it?

I want to see where he lives. I want to walk into his space and feel what it’s like to be somewhere that isn’t my mother’s hellhole. Somewhere clean and safe and… his. I want to see if this feeling—this warmth, this hope—can exist beyond this sidewalk. If it’s real enough to survive inside four walls.

I’m scared. Of course I’m scared. But I’m more scared of letting this slip away. Of going back home tonight and realizing I just walked away from the one genuine connection I’ve ever had. The one man who might actually be what I’ve been waiting for.

I look up at him, feeling my big brown eyes search his face, nervousness and hope flickering through me like competing flames.

“I… I want to see it. Your place. Right now, if that’s okay.” My fingers fidget with the hem of my pink crop top. “I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to go back home yet and… and I want to know what it feels like. To be somewhere safe with you.”

Minutes later, I’m standing in Haritz’s living room and it’s… it’s so clean. So normal. The kind of place where people have lives that don’t revolve around survival. White bookshelves, a comfortable sofa with throw cushions, natural light pouring in. This is what safety looks like. This is what I’ve been dreaming about every time I walked past nice apartments on my way home to that hellhole.

And Haritz brought me here. He’s letting me see his space, his world.

I need to… I need to take this in. To see if this feeling can exist here. If I sit down on that sofa, will it feel like I belong? Or will I just feel like the dirty little whore from the shithole part of town who’s contaminating something clean?

I walk slowly to the comfortable gray sofa, my eyes taking in every detail of the clean, warm living room. I reach out to touch one of the beige cushions gently—it’s soft, real—before lowering myself onto the sofa. I sit with my legs together and my hands folded in my lap, trying to make myself small enough to deserve this.

“This is… your place is really nice, Haritz. It’s so clean and warm and…” My voice softens, becomes almost vulnerable. “It feels safe here.”

Haritz looks at me with such tenderness. “You don’t have to sit so formally, you know?” His voice is gentle, reassuring. “It’s a very comfortable sofa. It will be ready to hold you whenever you need to escape from your bad situation.”

My chest tightens at those words. Whenever you need to escape. Like this could be real. Like this could be mine. Like I could actually—

The doorbell rings.

Haritz’s expression shifts instantly—confusion, maybe even alarm. He stops mid-step and turns toward the front door. “What’s this? I’m not waiting for any package, and I don’t tend to receive visits. So soon after we just got in, too…”

My stomach flips. Not the good kind. The nervous kind. Like when a client’s vibe suddenly shifts and you realize you might have misjudged the situation.

But Haritz looks genuinely confused. He’s not expecting this either. So it’s probably nothing. Maybe a neighbor? Someone selling something? Just… random timing. Bad timing. I was just starting to let myself relax into this space, to feel like maybe I could belong here, and now there’s an interruption. Someone from the outside world crashing into this fragile bubble we’ve created.

I watch Haritz walk toward the door, my brown eyes tracking his movement with a flicker of uncertainty. “Who… who could that be? You said you weren’t expecting anyone…”

He doesn’t answer, just heads for the door. I sit frozen on the sofa, my hands still folded in my lap, trying to make myself smaller. Invisible. There’s this little voice whispering that maybe I shouldn’t be here. That maybe whoever’s on the other side of that door will look at me and know exactly what I am. The whore from the shithole part of town contaminating this clean, safe space.

Haritz opens the door. And then I hear it. That voice. Slurred, nasty, venomous.

Haritz’s face twists with barely contained disgust as he looks at whoever’s there. “I’m not even black, madame.” His voice is cold, controlled. “So, you’re Ane’s mother?”

That voice. I know that slurred, aggressive tone anywhere. It’s burned into my fucking brain from a thousand nights of lying awake with earplugs shoved in too deep, trying not to hear it.

That’s Marisa. My mother.

The drunk bitch who makes my life hell just found out where I am. How? How the fuck did she track me here? Did she follow us? Was she watching when Haritz and I walked into this building together?

Oh God, oh God, this is a nightmare.

Haritz just asked if she’s my mother and I can hear the disgust in his voice—barely contained disgust. He can tell just from looking at her what kind of disaster she is. And now she’s here, at his door, about to contaminate this beautiful, safe space with her toxic presence. She’s going to scream at me, call me names, maybe try to drag me home. She’s going to show Haritz exactly where I come from, exactly what kind of garbage produced me.

He’ll see me differently. He’ll realize I’m not investment quality, I’m just… her daughter. The product of that drunk, stumbling mess at his door.

This was supposed to be my escape. My one chance at something real and safe and good. And she’s about to destroy it like she destroys everything.

I need to… I don’t know what I need to do. Face her? Hide? Run? My legs are shaking and I feel like I might throw up. But I can’t just sit here on his sofa like a coward while she’s out there making a scene.

I rise slowly from the comfortable sofa, my brown eyes wide with a dawning horror. “That’s… that’s my mother’s voice.” The words come out strangled. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She… how did she even…” My voice drops to almost a whisper, trembling. “Haritz, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think… I didn’t know she would… Oh God, she’s going to ruin everything. She ruins everything.”

Before Haritz can respond, she pushes past him, barreling into the apartment. And there she is—disheveled red hair, tired eyes, her beer gut prominent in her stained T-shirt. She looks around with reddened eyes as Haritz steps toward her with a serious look I haven’t seen before.

“Ane’s mother.” His voice is cold, controlled. “The same mother that has given such grief to a sweet girl. To be honest, I can see it from merely looking at you.” He gestures firmly toward the door. “I didn’t invite you in. If you want to talk, go back out and we’ll talk at the doorway.”

I need to get to Haritz. I need to be near him, close to him. He’s the safe thing in this room right now. Marisa is here—that toxic fucking disaster who birthed me—and she’s about to poison everything like she always does. But if I can just… if I can position myself near Haritz, show him that I’m with him, that I’m on his side, that I’m not her… maybe he won’t see me as contaminated. Maybe he’ll still see me as the girl he held in the park. The one who deserves kindness.

God, my legs are shaking but I have to move. I have to get close to the one person in this room who makes me feel safe.

My voice comes out small and trembling as I move toward Haritz. “Haritz… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know she would… I didn’t think…” My brown eyes are wide with a mix of fear and humiliation. “Please don’t… please don’t let her ruin this. She ruins everything but I need… I need this to be different.”

I reach his side, standing close to him, and that’s when she focuses on me. Her bloodshot eyes lock onto mine and she points a trembling finger at me.

“There you are!” she slurs, her words wet and sloppy. “I went out earlier to see where you had escaped to, and I saw you at the park with this man, this… nigger! Perverted nigger!”

She spits the words at Haritz, and I see actual spittle spray from her mouth. My stomach turns.

“Hugging my daughter and kissing her forehead… You have no right, you pig!” Her glare shifts to me. “And you! You are dressed like a whore! What’s with that flared pink skirt, those thigh-high socks with heart prints! You want perverted grown men to fuck you, don’t you? And now you’ve followed this… this fucking nigger here, into his apartment! No shame, god damn it… No wonder your father left us!”

The words hit me like fists. Each one designed to hurt, to humiliate, to destroy. This is what she does. This is who she is.

But then Haritz moves. He crosses an arm in front of my torso, shielding me from her, and nails her with a stern look.

“As I’ve told you before, I’m not black,” he says, his voice cold and controlled. “And you’re not going to stand here, in my apartment, insulting your daughter and me for much longer. You’re clearly unwell, clearly abusive. You’ve terrorized your daughter.”

She’s here. The drunk bitch who ruins everything is standing in Haritz’s clean, safe apartment, spewing her racist venom and calling me a whore in front of the one man who might actually save me. Haritz is defending me—he’s shielding me with his arm, calling her out for being abusive—but I can see it happening. I can see the contamination spreading. She’s showing him exactly where I come from, exactly what kind of garbage produced me. In a few more seconds, he’s going to realize I’m not investment quality at all. I’m just the daughter of that drunk, racist mess screaming slurs in his living room.

I move closer to Haritz, my voice small and trembling. “Haritz… please don’t let her… please don’t let her ruin this. I’m not… I’m not like her. I’m not.”

My fingers find his arm and I link myself to him—a physical connection, a claim. I’m choosing him. I’m choosing safety over the toxic disaster screaming in his living room. If I can just show him that I belong with him and not her, maybe he won’t see me as contaminated. Maybe he’ll keep shielding me.

But Marisa’s eyes lock onto the gesture. Her eyelids twitch with rage as she watches me cling to Haritz, and her whole face contorts.

“You… fucking little whore.” The words come out wet and venomous. “I’ve done everything. EVERYTHING. To ensure you had a roof over your head. Cleaning shit off toilets. So many fucking toilets. And for what…? For my daughter to turn out to be this… this filthy whore!”

My stomach drops.

“I’ve heard the rumors,” she continues, her voice rising. “Neighbor women saying they saw you in the bushes blowing some men, having their disgusting cocks in your mouth, and then giving you money… It’s true, isn’t it…?”

Oh God. Oh God, she knows. She fucking knows. And now Haritz knows—she just told him exactly what I am in the most disgusting way possible.

“Of course it’s fucking true, I didn’t buy you those clothes…” She wipes her eyes, but then glares back with renewed fury. “God damn it. Your father knew you were cursed. He knew you were going to turn out rotten. That’s why he abandoned me. I’ve been so lonely…”

The words hit like physical blows. Then she turns that rage fully on Haritz. “And you! She’s not even an adult. I’ll call the police if you don’t let her go right this instant and never see her again. You know what they do in prison to child rapists, right? I’ll make sure everybody knows you’re a rapist! Fucking nigger. All of you, you should have stayed in Africa. I can’t take all these fucking niggers raping my daughter.”

And then she lunges forward and slaps Haritz hard across the face.

The sound echoes through the living room. A reddened imprint starts appearing on his cheek. But Haritz looks otherwise unfazed—just that stern expression I saw when she first barged in. He slowly returns his gaze to Marisa and speaks carefully in that deep voice.

“Ane’s mother, I’ll repeat for the third time that I’m not black. In addition, you deserve to be slapped back real hard, both for your actions and for the pain you’re causing your sweet angel of a daughter. If I’m not slapping you it’s because I can tell you’re in deep pain. You took your husband’s abandonment the wrong way, and you’ve proceeded to go down the darkest paths. That would be your burden to bear, if it weren’t because you’re ruining your daughter’s life. You need to take a good look in the mirror and see what you’ve become.”

She just slapped him. That drunk bitch just put her hands on Haritz—the one man who’s shown me genuine kindness, who called me a sweet girl, who offered me safety. In his own home. After barging in uninvited, screaming her racist poison and calling me a whore. And he took it. He stood there, unfazed, and spoke to her with this careful restraint about her pain instead of hitting her back like she deserves.

But I can’t just stand here clinging to his arm like some helpless damsel while she assaults him. I can’t let her get away with that. She’s ruined everything else in my life—my childhood, my home, my reputation, my sense of self-worth—but she’s not going to ruin THIS. She’s not going to poison the one relationship that might actually save me.

My hand is already tingling with the memory of slapping that college kid who mocked me with his crude poem. This is different though. This is my mother. The woman who birthed me, who—despite all her failures and abuse—did keep a roof over my head.

But she also blamed me for my father leaving. She called me a whore in front of the man I need to see me as investment quality. She put her hands on Haritz.

Fuck her.

“You don’t get to touch him!” The words rip out of me, shrill and fierce, trembling with rage. “You don’t get to come into his home and put your hands on him after everything—after all the poison you’ve spewed! He’s been kinder to me in one afternoon than you’ve been in my entire fucking life!”

My hand moves before I can think about it. The slap connects with her cheek, sharp and satisfying.

Marisa stumbles back, astonishment flooding her face as my handprint blooms red on her cheek. Tears spring from her eyes, but then her expression twists into something enraged, and spittle flies from her mouth.

“H-how… dare you?!” she screams. “Your own mother, you put your hands on me…! On me, who fed you milk from my tits, who sang to you lullabies so you would fall asleep…” Her voice cracks. “B-but if I had known, if I had known… you would turn out into this… rotten cocksucker… Oh god, I would have killed myself. I want to die so bad. Nobody loves me. My daughter is getting filled with cum from all the men in town, apparently, and I… I have become this… this… filthy nigger form.”

She turns her maddened gaze to Haritz, who watches her with what looks like a mixture of disgust and fascination.

“And you, big man who wants to rape my daughter…” Her hands move to the hem of her stained T-shirt. “My tits are real big. Not the tiny mosquito bites of that whore. Look.”

She yanks the shirt over her head, and her G-cup breasts wobble and hang freely. No bra. Of course no bra. She stands there half-naked in Haritz’s clean living room, her saggy tits on full display.

“Wouldn’t you rather suck on these…?” Her voice takes on this desperate, wheedling quality. “I am better than my whore of a daughter, right…?”

My stomach turns violently. This is what I came from. This drunk, topless mess begging a man to fuck her instead of me—competing with her own daughter like we’re both whores undercutting each other’s prices. She’s standing there, degrading herself, trying to destroy the one good thing I’ve found.

Haritz’s stern look briefly glances down at her breasts, then back up to her face.

“Ane’s mother…” His voice is carefully controlled. “I feel sorry for you. You need a lot of help, but I suspect it has been too late for a long time. And now you’re making a spectacle of yourself.”

His voice softens as he looks down at me, and then I feel his strong arm wrap around my bare waist. Warm. Protective.

“You’re not safe,” Haritz continues, addressing my mother. “Your apartment is not safe. I will contact the authorities to ensure they declare you not fit for guardianship of your daughter.”

The words land like a bomb. He’s… he’s going to try to take me away from her. Legally. Permanently. To save me.

But she’s still here, still contaminating his space with her racist bile and her exposed flesh and her pathetic attempts to compete with me. My hand is already tingling from the first slap, but I don’t care. She deserves worse. For all the years of abuse, for tracking me here, for assaulting Haritz, for standing there topless trying to seduce him away from me. For blaming me for Dad leaving. For calling me a whore in front of the one man who might see me as something more.

“You disgusting bitch!” The words rip out of me, my voice cracking with fury and tears. “You stand there topless, offering yourself to him like… like some desperate street whore, and you call ME filthy?! You blame ME for Dad leaving?! You’ve ruined everything good that ever tried to come into my life, but you’re NOT ruining this! Haritz sees you for what you are—a pathetic, broken drunk who destroyed her own daughter! And I’m done. I’m DONE letting you poison me!”

My hand swings before I can think about it. The slap connects hard.

The impact sends her hurtling backwards, her breasts swinging wildly, until she collides with the wall. As she recovers, blood glistens in her mouth. Tears stream down her face. She lifts her drunken, tired gaze to me and widens a crazed smile.

“Ah… so this is it, right…?” Her laugh is wet and broken. “You’ve found yourself a nigger that you believe will… what? Take you away from me, from your own mother? Someone who will put a roof over your head and pay for your stuff and fill your pussy with filthy nigger cum.”

She bursts out laughing as she stumbles closer to Haritz.

“Aah… God damn it. H-hey, you big nigger, if you think you can take care of my whore of a daughter, maybe you can take care of me too. Okay? I need help. At least a big dick in me, someone who will make me feel for a moment that I’m not this… fat pig. I want to die. Please fuck me. Please save me.”

Haritz looks down at her with a mixture of pity and disgust. “Saying ‘You’re a mess’ wouldn’t begin to cover it. You need serious psychiatric help. But first of all, you need to leave the apartment and leave Ane alone. Look at her, how you’re making her feel. If you’ve ever loved your daughter, you need to leave her be.”

I can’t… I can’t keep looking at her. Can’t keep seeing those saggy tits hanging out, those tears streaming down her face as she begs the man I need—the man who might actually save me—to fuck her instead of me. She’s reducing this—reducing us—to a competition about tit size. Like that’s all that matters. Like Haritz is just another john who’ll go for whoever has the biggest rack.

And the worst part? She’s still calling him racial slurs. Still spewing that poison even while begging him to save her. “Please fuck me, you filthy nigger.” God, I want to vomit.

This is what I came from. This drunk, racist, topless disaster is my MOTHER. The woman who birthed me, who I share DNA with. No wonder I’m so fucked up.

I can’t look at her anymore. If I keep looking at her, I’m going to lose it completely. I’m going to start screaming or crying or both, and then Haritz will see me as just another hysterical girl from a fucked-up family, not worth the trouble.

I need to turn away. Show her—show both of them—that I’m not engaging with her poison anymore. That I’m done letting her control me, done letting her ruin everything. Haritz told her to leave me alone, and I need to show him I’m listening to him, not to her. That I’m choosing him over her.

“I can’t even look at you anymore. You’re disgusting.” I turn sharply, presenting my back to her while staying close to Haritz. “Haritz, please… just make her leave. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.”

Behind me, I hear her voice shift—trying to sound seductive, like she’s ever been capable of anything but toxic poison.

“That’s alright, my daughter don’t need to see.” Her slurred words make my stomach turn. Then I hear movement, fabric rustling, and Haritz’s sharp intake of breath. “I knew it. I knew you had a big cock. Ditch that little whore and let’s go to your bedroom, okay, big nigger?”

Oh God. Oh God, she’s touching him. She’s actually putting her hands on him, groping him while her tits hang out in his living room. My mother is sexually assaulting the one man who might save me, trying to seduce him away from me like we’re competing whores on a street corner.

“God, I need so bad for a nice cock to fill me up until I can’t think anymore. I’ll let you do me anywhere: ass, mouth, ears if you want. But please don’t call me a fatty or anything like that.”

The disgust rises so sharp in my throat I might actually vomit. This is what I came from. This drunk, topless disaster grabbing Haritz’s dick and begging him to fuck her instead of her daughter. Offering up every hole in her body like some kind of desperate bargain.

Haritz’s voice cuts through, stern and controlled. “Woman, you need to let go of my penis.”

I hear him step back, hear her stumble as she loses her grip on him.

“You’ve made a mess of everything and proven your point, don’t you think?” Haritz continues, that careful restraint still in his voice. “Whatever point you believe it might be. Please turn around and leave. Your daughter needs to rest from this insanity.”

I just need to hold it together a little longer. Don’t cry. Don’t scream. Don’t turn around and look at her sagging tits and her pathetic tears. Just… wait. Let Haritz handle it. Trust him to handle it.

That’s what I’m doing now—trusting him. Showing him I can be the kind of girl who doesn’t engage with toxic shit, who can walk away from poison. Investment quality. That’s what I am. Not her daughter.

“She’s pathetic. She’s disgusting. And she’s nothing to do with me anymore.” My voice comes out quieter, steadier, directed at Haritz without looking back at Marisa. “I can’t be in the same room as her right now. I just… I can’t. Please make her leave. Please.”

Behind me, I hear her wobble in place, and then that slurred, teary voice—hateful even now.

“I… I see how it is. You don’t respect me anymore, huh…? After everything…” She burps loudly. “After everything I’ve sacrificed. A-alright then, I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’ll… I need a dick.” Stumbling sounds—backward, then sideways, toward the door. “A drink. Where’s the door…”

Then she suddenly turns over her shoulder to speak to me, and I can feel her toxic gaze on my back.

“Let me tell you, whore: this disrespect… is unbecoming. Don’t bother returning home. And good luck…” She laughs that mad, broken laugh. “Ah, yeah, good luck with this nigger man. You know he’ll leave! They all leave. They abandon you in the dirt, alone… I shouldn’t have been born…”

I feel Haritz return to my side, his warm presence hovering protectively.

“Yes, just leave, please,” he says to her, his deep voice firm. “And know that from now on, if you intend to abuse your daughter again, you’ll need to deal with me first.”

She’s leaving. Marisa is finally stumbling toward the door, throwing those last toxic words over her shoulder. Part of me wants to scream back at her, to tell her she’s right about one thing: she shouldn’t have fucking had me if all she was going to do was poison my entire existence.

But the bigger part—the part that Haritz just defended so fiercely, the part that just watched this man reject her advances and maintain his boundaries and promise to help me legally—that part knows I don’t need to say anything else to her. She’s done. She’s leaving. And I’m staying here, in this clean, safe space with the man who might actually save me.

Haritz just said if Marisa intends to abuse me again, she’ll have to deal with him first. He’s… he’s claiming me. Protecting me. Making it clear that I’m under his care now, that he won’t let her touch me anymore.

And I need to show him what that means to me. How much I appreciate it. How grateful I am. How completely I’m choosing him over her.

I turn toward him, and before I can think about it, I close my arms around him tenderly, hugging him tight. Pressing myself against his solid warmth, feeling safe for the first time since that drunk bitch barged in here.

“Thank you.” My voice comes out thick with emotion. “Thank you for… for defending me. For not letting her… for seeing what she is and still…” I squeeze tighter. “You didn’t have to do any of this. You could have just let her drag me back to that hell, but you stood up for me. You actually stood up for me.”

Marisa swings the door open so forcefully that she nearly falls. She pauses there, turning to take one long, hateful look at me hugging Haritz. Then she faces the open doorway and screams into the hallway.

“Hey, a nigger lives here! Just so you know! They take all of your daughters… no matter what you do for them…”

Her voice breaks, wet with tears and rage and whatever poison is eating her from the inside. She stumbles out into the hallway, reaching clumsily for the door handle.

“I’m wet and ready! I can do it better than that little whore!”

The door slams behind her. But I can still hear her—stumbling down the stairs, still shouting her madness to anyone who’ll listen. The sound gets fainter, more distant, until finally it’s gone.

That toxic disaster who birthed me is actually gone. And I’m still here. In Haritz’s clean, safe apartment. With his strong arms wrapped around me, holding me tight against his chest. I can feel his heartbeat—steady, calm—so different from my own frantic pulse hammering against my ribs.

Haritz pulls back just enough to look down into my eyes. His hand stays on the back of my head, gentle and protective.

“Well, I see now. She’s gone. And she’s done. Which means it’s in the past.” His deep voice is soft but certain. “You understand what’s going to happen from now on, right?”

I do. I think I do. He’s claiming me. Taking responsibility for me. Offering to save me from her, permanently. This is it. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for—the man who might actually be worth everything, who might actually see my value beyond what I can do with my mouth. And I need to show him—right now, while my mother’s insane screaming is still echoing in the stairwell—that I’m choosing him. That I’m grateful. That I understand what he’s offering and I want it, I need it, I’m his if he’ll have me.

My arms ache to wrap around him, to press myself against that strong, protective body and feel safe again after the chaos Marisa just unleashed. To thank him for not flinching when she slapped him, for not being tempted when she exposed herself, for seeing through all her poison to the truth underneath—that I’m the one worth saving. This hug needs to be tight, desperate, grateful. It needs to show him that I’m clinging to this safety he’s offering with everything I have.

THE END


The Deep Dive couple had some interesting things to say about this insanity.

Neural Pulse, Pt. 11 (Fiction)

In an electric flash and crackle, my muscles seized, and my vision flared white. As I crumpled backward like a dead weight, my left arm and the side of my head slammed into the control panel. My brain thrummed with electricity. It reeked of burning.

In the whiteness, the silhouette of a spacesuit materialized, looming over me. Several shadows clamped onto my arms with claws. One shadow dug its knees into my abdomen and crushed my face between its palms. I tried to scream, but only a ragged whimper escaped my throat. The tangle of shadows obscured my sight, swallowing me. A shadow snatched my hair and pulled; hundreds of points on my scalp prickled tight. Another shadow smothered my nose and mouth.

When I could feel my arms again, I lashed out at the shadows, thrashing as I braced myself against the control panel and the seat. I lunged for a silhouette—Mara’s spacesuit—but she sidestepped, and I plummeted onto the cockpit floor. A blow to the crown of my head plunged me into a murky confusion.

My wrists were bound behind my back—duct tape, I glimpsed, as Mara, crouched by my knees, finished wrapping my ankles. She straightened and hobbled backward. She stepped on the electroshock lance lying discarded on the floor and slipped, but the oxygen recycler clipped to the back of her suit arrested her fall as it struck the hatch.

Gauges of different shapes bulged on her belt like ammunition magazines. The suit’s chest inflated and deflated rhythmically. Mara unlatched her helmet and pulled it off, revealing her ashen face: mouth agape with baby-pink lips; livid, doubled bags under her eyes; strands of black hair plastered to her forehead with sweat. She leaned back against the hatch, gasping through her mouth, the corners glistening with saliva as she scrutinized me with intense, glazed eyes.

The cockpit reeked of sweat and burnt fuses. The shadows had congealed into a mass of human-shaped silhouettes, their hatred addling my brains, boiling me in a cauldron. Mara’s outline, as if traced with a thick black marker, pulsed and expanded.

No more anticipating how to defend myself, because I have you trapped. Thanks to you, the station doesn’t know we came down to the planet. With the tools of the xenobiologist you murdered, I will rip out your tongue, gouge out your eyes, bore into your face.

Mara crouched, setting her helmet on the floor. Exhaustion contorted her actress-like features, as if some illness burdened her with insomnia and pain.

“I thought I was marooned on this planet. I could have just called the station for rescue, but they’d fire me for nothing, and my pride would rather I suffocated than admit I needed help. Now I know—when we found the artifact, I should have tied you up then. Because you, being you, would just stick your nose right up to an alien machine that, for all you knew, could have detonated the outpost. And to understand what drove you to kill that xenobiologist, I imitated you. I stuck my nose up to that thing, and I saw my reflection. Now I know. Unfortunately, I know.” She regarded me like a comatose patient and waved a gloved palm. “Can you hear me? Did I scramble your brain?”

“I hear.”

My voice emerged as a rasp. I coughed. My mouth tasted of metal.

“And you understand?”

I nodded.

The black veil obscuring the cockpit stirred, rippling. Concentrated energy, like the air crackling before a storm. With Mara’s every gesture, the shadows shifted. Their bony claws crushed my thighs, cinching around my spine through suit, skin, and flesh.

A bead of sweat trickled down Mara’s forehead. She rubbed her face, swallowed. Her pupils constricted.

“Is that what you think? That I’ve convinced myself I’ve subdued you? That you’ll fool me until I let you go? That then you’ll finally strangle me? And even if the station calls it murder, no one will bother investigating, because most people who knew me would thank you for killing me.”

“I’m not thinking. When I try, my brain protests.”

Mara hunched down opposite me, reaching out to study the blow on my head, but halfway there her features pinched. She drew herself up, crossing her arms.

“I heard you telling me to come closer. Because you’ll break free, dig your nails into my corneas, and rip my jaw apart.”

My guts roiled; acid surged up my throat.

“You think I think things like that?”

“I feel this second consciousness… it betrays your thoughts as clearly as if you spoke them aloud. Maybe I’ll never understand how the artifact interfered with our minds, not just our language, but it’s a trick.”

I pushed my torso off the floor, sliding my back up the side of a seat inch by inch, trying not to provoke her, until my stomach settled. My head ached where she’d struck me. The throbbing in my skull clouded and inflamed my thoughts.

“You saw him. Jing. What I did.”

“I saw someone down there. I’d need dental records or DNA to be sure, but I trust elimination. I thought you’d claim it was an accident.”

“It was. I attacked the shadows. You feel them, don’t you?”

Mara took a deep breath.

“They’re pawing at me, trying to suffocate me. Products of my own besieged brain, I know, but I can hardly call them pleasant.”

“I wanted to keep it from affecting you. But at least now you understand.”

“Make no mistake. That xenobiologist is lying with his face beaten to a pulp in the second sublevel of an alien outpost because you are you.”

I pressed my lips together, erecting a wall against escaping words. I looked away from Mara’s eyes, concentrating on deepening my breaths. The muscles in my forearms were taut. Pain flared in my constricted wrists. This woman had fired an electroshock lance at me, beaten me, bound me, and now she was assaulting my character.

With her boot-tip, Mara nudged her helmet; it wobbled like a small boat.

“Although the jolts in my neurons, the shadows, and this other consciousness intruding in my mind unnerve me, the effect isn’t so different from how I’ve always felt around people. The two consciousnesses will learn to get along.”

“If you’re not exaggerating,” I said gravely, “I am truly sorry, Mara.”

She pushed damp strands of hair from her forehead and scrubbed it with the back of her glove, smudging it with dust. The corners of her lips sagged as if weights hung from them.

“Thanks for the sympathy.”

“Were you afraid I planned to do the same thing to you as I did to Jing?”

“Can you blame me for removing the opportunity?”

She limped heavily over to my seat and sat down sideways. As she leaned an elbow on the control panel, a shadow shoved my torso against the seat I leaned on; my lungs emptied. I shuddered, sinking into black water.

Mara had said we imagined the shadows, even if they affected us. I writhed onto my back, pushing with my heels until my head touched the cockpit hatch. My wrists throbbed, crushed tight. A shadow pressed down on my chest like someone sitting there, yet no physical presence had stopped me from moving. The artifact had hijacked my senses.

Mara regarded me from above, pale and cold like a queen enthroned.

“I wouldn’t have killed you,” I said. “You’re my friend.”

“Am I?”

Between the pulses of my headache, I tried to decipher her expression.

“To me, you are.”

“I like you. I tolerate you. But often, being around you feels like rolling in nettles, Kirochka.”

“Almost everything irritates you.”

“You’re incapable of seeing people as anything other than reflections of yourself. What you instinctively feel is right, you impose as right for everyone.” She shook her head, then leaned forward, her tone hardening as if she were tired of holding back. “You insist you have to drag me away from my interests, my studies, as if imitating your actions and hobbies would somehow make me impulsive and reckless too. Admit it or not, you think the rest of humanity are just primitive creatures evolving towards becoming you.” She jabbed a finger at her chest. “I need time to myself, Kirochka. Solitude. Reading. Designing one of my machines, or building it. You think people need to be prevented from thinking.”

Exhaustion was crushing me. I imagined another version of myself laughing, suggesting a drink or a movie, assuming Mara’s mood could be cured by a few laps in the pool. But my vision blurred. I blinked, swallowed to make my vocal cords obey.

“We’ve had good times.”

“The best were when I was enduring idiots and tolerating awful music.”

“You showed them you’re smart. Got half the tracking team to stop calling you ‘black dwarf’.”

“Yes, because those morons’ gossip was costing me sleep. You think I need to prove anything to them? They can believe whatever they want.”

Shadows crouched nearby, focusing their hatred on me, clawing at my skin, crushing my flesh with bony grips. They tormented me like chronic pain, but while Mara and I talked, I kept the torture submerged.

“Things went well for you, for a while, with that man you met. I don’t take credit, but would you have met him dining alone?”

The woman, deflated, blinked her glazed eye, rubbing it as if removing grit.

“You’re right. I miss things by focusing on research instead of acting like a savage. But I assure you, Kirochka, we’re too different for me ever to consider you a friend. Sooner or later, we’d stop tolerating each other.”

“We can bridge the differences.”

“You talk to fill silences. You pressure people for attention. You live for interaction. I could never sustain a friendship with someone like that.”

“Do you use me to get things?”

“Everyone uses everyone, if only to feel better about themselves. I just refrain from feeding illusions.” She drew herself up, as if recalling an injustice, and rebuked me with her eyes. “Besides, I didn’t stop running because I was lazy. I barely eat, and nobody’s chasing me in my apartment. Running bores me to death.”

“I wanted the company.”

Mara shook her head. Her tired gaze roamed the cockpit, as if seeing through the walls.

“When you called a few hours ago, I thought you wanted to drag me out drinking with you and the other pilots. I considered pretending I’d fallen asleep with the sound nullifier on. I should have.”

I contorted like a snake, sliding my back up the hatch. I leaned the oxygen recycler back, resting my head against the cool metal. Judging by the ache, when I undressed, my arms would be covered in lurid bruises.

“I consider you a friend. You listen when I need it. My professional peers, the ones who think they’re my friends, even my boyfriend—they’d tell me to shut up for ruining the mood.”

“When have you ever listened to me?”

“I want to. But I have to pry the words out of you.”

“Maybe that should have told you something, Kirochka.”

“That you hate me.”

She sighed, the effort seeming immense, like lifting a great weight.

“I don’t like human beings. I would have chosen to be anything else.”

Flashes on the communications monitor distracted me. Though Mara was still speaking, her words faded to a murmur beneath my notice. The headache pulsed, reddening my vision. Why did the monitor alert snag my attention? I snapped fully alert. It meant an incoming call.


Author’s note: I wrote this novella in Spanish about ten years ago. It’s contained in the collection titled Los dominios del emperador búho.

Today’s song is “Body Betrays Itself” by Pharmakon.

Neural Pulse, Pt. 10 (Fiction)

Paralyzed, I choked. I sucked in a lungful of hot air and collapsed to my knees before the xenobiologist. I pressed my hands against his suit’s chest. I pounded on him. No one would recognize Jing from what was left of his blood-drenched face. I stammered, repeating, “no, no, no,” while my fingers traced the helmet’s dents, the jagged shards of the broken visor jutting from the frame.

Pooling blood submerged the ruin of bone and flesh that was his face. When I tilted Jing’s body, the helmet spilled a tongue of blood onto the stone floor, slick with sliding globules of brain matter.

I staggered back, fists clenched, shuddering violently as if seized by frost.

Jing’s right hand was clamped around the handle of an automatic core drill. Perhaps the xenobiologist had approached to help me.

I shut my eyes, covered my visor with a palm. I pictured Jing standing beside me, an echo asking if I needed help. No, I hadn’t killed him. When I opened my eyes, the corpse lay sprawled on its side, the dented helmet cradling the ruin of his head.

Jing hadn’t known he was dealing with a live nuclear device. The flood of that feeling had swept over me. Had I seen the xenobiologist stop beside me? Had I decided to smash his face in with the crowbar?

I stumbled about, gasping for breath. My brain felt like it was on fire, seizing with electric spasms. Red webs pulsed at the edges of my vision, flaring brightly before fading. Before I knew it, I’d crossed the room that contained the construction robots, and was sprinting up the ramp. The oval beam of my flashlight jerked and warped, sliding over the protrusions and crevices of the rock face. My arms felt like spent rubber bands, especially the right, aching from fingertips to shoulder blades. Every balancing lurch, every push against the rock to keep climbing, intensified the ache.

I passed the first sublevel. My breath fogged the visor; I saw the flashlight beam dimly, as through a mist. My hair, pulled back at my nape, was soaked through, plastered to my skin.

I burst onto the surface, into the emptiness of the dome. I staggered, kicking through the sandy earth. I gasped for air and ran. I pictured myself training on a circuit—something that relaxed me at the academy after piloting, just as going to the gym with Mara relaxed me on the station—but now I was running from the consequences, from an earthquake tearing the earth apart like cloth. If I slowed, the fissure would overtake and swallow me.

I vaulted over the embankment to the left of the esplanade, where I’d hidden before, landing on my knees and one forearm. I scrambled backward, kicking up dirt, and pressed myself flat against the embankment’s exposed rock face.

The radio. I navigated the visor options until I muted my comm signal. When the notification confirmed I was off-frequency, I jammed my fists against my knees, my mouth stretched wide in a scream.

I drew a ragged breath. Beads of sweat dripped from my forehead onto the visor; the material wicked them away, like water hitting hot pavement. Mara would have reached the cockpit by now, found me missing. Nothing could make Jing’s death look like an accident. How would my friend look at me? What would she think when she found out? She’d think… because I killed the xenobiologist… I might kill her too.

I buried my helmeted head in my forearms. I welcomed the dimness. How had I let this happen? I knew I should have destroyed the artifact—just as I knew I had to fight back when those shadows grabbed me, tried to rip me open with their claws. I’d struck the shadows with the crowbar before I’d even consciously decided to. On other expeditions, while waiting for scientists and soldiers to emerge from some dense alien jungle, I’d monitor their radio chatter, trusting my instincts to warn me if I should suggest aborting the mission. Just as piloting was like flowing in a dance of thrust and gravity, the way dancing came naturally to others, I imagined. Now my instincts screamed at me to flee, to run from this embankment away from the ship, to strike out across the planet, heedless of survival. My instinct had been supplanted by another. And I knew the difference.

I peeked around the side of the embankment. The scarred esplanade remained deserted. The crystalline dome watched the minutes pass like some ancient ruin.

If Mara found out the artifact made me kill Jing, maybe she’d understand the danger, agree to destroy it. I was counting on her reasoning, on that cold logic that had so often irritated me. But if I waited too long to face her, she’d suspect my motives.

As I straightened up and stepped, dizzy, onto the esplanade, an electric spike lanced through my neurons, blurring my vision. I stumbled around until it subsided. I stopped before the central crater, hunching over to examine its charcoal-gray cracks and ridges. Crushed bones.

I activated the radio. The visor display indicated it was locking onto Mara’s signal. She’d see mine pop up, too, unless she was distracted. In the center of my darkened visor, the arctic-blue star shone through the thin atmosphere like a quivering ball of fluff.

“Where are you, Mara?”

“Cockpit.”

The shadows intercepted the transmission, projecting their hatred at me. It distracted me from Mara’s tone—was there suspicion coloring her voice? I waited a few seconds. Would she demand an explanation? Why was she silent?

“Good,” I said. “Stay there. I need to talk to you.”

As I climbed the slope skirting the hill towards the ship, the reality of my decision hit me. I was about to lock myself in the cockpit’s confined space with Mara. Her shadows would envelop me, sink their claws into my skin, force themselves down my throat to suffocate me. I wanted desperately to rip off my helmet, wipe the sweat from my face. I needed a shower, a moment to think.

I located the ship’s tower. Several meters ahead lay three cargo containers and scattered tools. Inside the cargo hold, chunks of the robots and the materializer were heaped like scrap in a landfill.

I scrambled up the boarding ladder to the airlock hatch. Opened it, scrambled inside, sealed it shut. The chamber pressurized with a series of hisses and puffs. I unsealed my helmet. Holding it upside down, steam poured out as if from a pot of fresh soup. I gulped the ship’s cool, filtered air and opened the inner door to the cockpit.

“Mara.”

Empty. Indicators blinked. On the monitors, ship status displays and sector topographical maps cycled. Lines of text scrolled.

My seat held a roll of electrical tape. As I turned it over in my fingers, an electric jolt made me clench my teeth, squeeze my eyes shut. My neurons hummed.

The door to the airlock chamber clicked shut with a heavy mechanical thud. The thick metal muffled the hissing. Leaning back against my seat’s headrest, still clutching the tape, I froze. The air grew heavy. The cockpit lights seemed to dim, the edges of my perception closing in. A dozen shadows waited in the airlock chamber, their concentrated beams of hatred probing the metal door, seeking to burn me.

The door slid open.

I tensed, lips parting. What could I possibly say?

Mara emerged sideways through the gap, head bowed. As she stepped through, she shouldered the door shut behind her. The glowing diodes and bright screens of the control panel glinted on her helmet’s visor. She whipped around to face me. Her right arm shot out, leveling an electroshock lance. The two silver prongs at its tip lunged like viper fangs.


Author’s note: I originally wrote this novella in Spanish about ten years ago. It’s contained in the collection titled Los dominios del emperador búho.

Neural Pulse, Pt. 9 (Fiction)

I edged a handspan of my helmet over the side of the embankment, to keep watch on the entrance of the shell of hexagonal panels. With the planet’s rotation, the star’s descending angle had lightened the blackness of the opening to a steel gray. I waited, lying prone, sunk a few centimeters into the sandy earth. From the gloom within the dome, I sensed the hollow vastness, the floor furrowed with the scars of ruts where maintenance robots had engraved circular tracks.

My helmet’s indicator notified me it had located Mara’s signal. I took a deep breath and waited for the woman to emerge. As if an army were cresting a hill, I sensed the shadows approaching. My heart hammered, and blood roared in my ears. I would stay out of sight.

From the gloom at the dome’s opening, a spacesuit frayed into view, venturing onto the esplanade, the containers following. I scooted sideways so the embankment hid me, and avoided breathing heavily lest the radio transmit it.

I peeked out. The woman and the containers had disappeared. And Jing? I had lost his signal.

Mara’s measured voice burst into my helmet.

“How goes it, Kirochka?”

I flinched, stirring the sandy earth, feeling the urge to leap up and sprint. Shadows were approaching from the opposite side of the embankment. They would surround me, press in on me, crush me against the earth until I suffocated.

“Something like that,” my voice trembled. “I’m in the cabin.”

“See you in a moment.”

What was keeping Jing? How could I wait for him to show himself? I had to seize the chance to break the artifact before Mara could stop me.

I scrambled up, slipping, spraying spadefuls of earth. I crossed the esplanade and plunged into the dome’s gloom. After descending the ramp about ten meters, I remembered to switch on my flashlight. I sprinted in a descending spiral, bracing a gloved palm when needed against the central pillar or the uneven rock wall. I filled my burning lungs with fresh, recycled air. My leg muscles throbbed.

A honey-colored light bathed me the instant I tripped. The maintenance robot tumbled through the air and bounced off the wall. I cartwheeled down the spiral, slamming against the excavated rock as my flashlight beam flared white off every surface my helmet struck. I slid prone down the ramp, bracing myself against the central pillar with my hands to stop.

I coughed. Sat up. My body’s tremors made the flashlight beam quiver. I shook the dust and sandy earth from my gloves. They were scuffed. Bristling fibers poked through the padding.

A chill ran through me from head to toe. I checked the oxygen levels on my lens. No leaks. On my vital signs display, my pulse fluctuated in the triple digits.

When I got up, I descended the ramp carefully, but within seconds, I was running. We had stolen the other robot, so I wouldn’t trip over that one.

The lens indicator alerted that it had locked onto Jing’s signal, and I slowed my pace. I breathed through my nose, but sweating as if in a jungle, I had to flare my nostrils to their limit to draw in enough air. I felt my way down the spiraling ramp.

I reached the entrance to a basement and peered in, exposing only a handspan of my helmet. I had expected to find the first sublevel, with the exposed mineral vein and the materializer, but I must have rolled past it tumbling downhill. Two of the construction robots lay gutted, and the third was missing an arm.

I hastened, walking just short of a run, to the back of the basement, where my flashlight beam mingled with the artifact’s tangle of levitating energy. I leaned against the curved, ribbed metal of a strut and scanned the entrance ramp. Perhaps Jing was dismantling the materializer on the first sublevel. Mara would have discovered I had deceived her.

I hunched before the undulating membranes of purple and pink energy. I probed the invisible shell containing the energy, as if hoping to find some crack through which to pry it open like a pistachio nut. I threw a punch, but the shell held. My hand ached as if I had struck a wall. When I gritted my teeth and struck again, a jolt shuddered up from my hand to my back.

I backed away. Bit my lower lip, refraining from growling. Jing would hear.

I took a running start and kicked the shell. It held. I kicked and kicked it until I slipped and fell flat on my ass. The radio would transmit my panting.

I swept the floor with my flashlight beam, searching for something that could help. I peered through the doorway to the adjacent basement area. Deserted. I ran to the dismembered ruins of the robots with their viscera of cables and circuits. Jing had left behind his crowbar and a meter. I gripped the crowbar.

I positioned myself in the middle of the basement and aimed my flashlight at the artifact. I brandished the crowbar, sprinted, and delivered a heavy blow against the shell, but the impact jarred the crowbar from my hand; it struck my shoulder and clattered to the floor. I trembled, seething. I hunched over, drew myself in, clenched my fists, and a growl escaped my lips, exploding into a guttural scream. My eardrums ached.

“Kirochka,” Jing said over the radio, startled. “Do you need help?”

I picked the crowbar up off the floor. I struck the artifact again and again, gasping for breath between each blow. The shell resisted as if, instead of being made of some penetrable material, I faced a repelling energy field. It would prevent me from breaking through, just as on a microscopic scale, atoms would never truly touch.

I leaned a forearm against the artifact, suppressing a gasp. Behind me, several shadows burst into the basement like an invading army through breaches in a rampart. I scrambled around the strut to my right, putting the artifact between myself and the spacesuited silhouette blocking the exit. My flashlight beam dazzled Jing, while his forced me to squint. The shadows coalesced into a wall, blocking my escape.

Here you are, of course. Acting on your own, against the majority decision. When I met you, I sensed you were unbalanced. That thing has damaged you because you’re too stupid to realize you should keep your distance from an unknown object, and now you intend to deprive humanity of a discovery that could lead to unimaginable technologies. You’re a miserable egoist, whatever your name is. An idiot who can barely pilot, clinging to that frigid scientist because no one else would bother paying you any attention.

I lashed the artifact with the crowbar. The phalanges of my hand screamed as if the blows had opened some fissure, yet I struck and struck again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpsed Jing circling the artifact. I was dizzy, short of breath. The shadows flowed together shoulder to shoulder, hemming me in between them and the infinite volume of rock at my back.

A jolt shook my neurons, bleached my vision white. I shook my head. I pressed the tip of the crowbar against the invisible shell and, trembling down to my toes, leaned my weight onto the artifact as if I could force open a crack through which that tangle of energy would spill.

“You’ll break it, despite what your colleague decided,” Jing said.

“No, I’m just hitting it with the crowbar to see if it sounds like a gong.”

“You were right. Taking the artifact to the station would be madness. It should stay here, studied only by a small group of scientists, in quarantine. Never mind who gets the credit. But if you break it… maybe you’ll prevent a disaster.”

I coughed, spraying the inside of my visor with saliva. The air inside my helmet had grown sauna-hot, and my body was slick with sweat. I gripped the crowbar with both hands, spread my legs to brace myself, and lashed the shell. Each blow resonated through the fibers of my arms, making them vibrate like taut strings.

Deafened by a torrent of noise from which screams and roars emerged, the shadows surged against me. They climbed onto my back, pressed me down against the artifact. Through the suit, their bony claws seized my thighs, dug into my breasts, clamped against my head like a vise, probed my mouth, clawed at my uvula. I roared and lashed at the shadows again and again. With each impact, my arm muscles caught fire.

The shadows flew away from me at tens of kilometers per hour, as if ejected into space during a decompression. I stood on two trembling legs. My vision had clouded red. The crowbar hung from the end of my limp right arm, and when I let it fall, it bounced with a muffled thud.

The red haze was evaporating. I blinked, panting. Sweat dripped onto the smoked lens as the material struggled to defog. I leaned against the artifact’s invisible shell, which supported me solid as no object humans could ever build.

My vision cleared. Jing lay supine on the floor, his visor shattered. Behind the breach in the dented helmet, an eyeball had sunk into a gory mass of black hair strands, pulped flesh, cartilage, and bone. Chocolate-brown blood had spattered the rock and welled from the pulp of his face as if from a sponge, filling the helmet’s bucket.


Author’s note: I wrote this novella in Spanish about ten years ago. It’s contained in the collection titled Los dominios del emperador búho.

Today’s song is “Gyroscope” by Boards of Canada.

The Scrap Colossus, Pt. 19 (Fiction)

Hunger and sex tingling at the base of my skull, I set the excerpt beside me on the eroded, lichen-stained stone blocks. The roar of a passing car from the abutting road faded, allowing the chorus of birds to swell in a contest of chirps and warbles. Through the gap between two dilapidated walls, the nearest apartment building emerged, its bricks a medley of rust red, chocolate brown, and burnt orange. The windows reflected the sun’s warm glow. Over a balcony’s parapet, a woman’s bust, wearing a blue robe, watered a row of potted plants, her wet, dark hair gleaming as if lacquered. Overhead, puffy clouds stretched across an azure canvas, drifting slowly by like towering snowdrifts. A wash of sunlight bathed the world, but the undersides of some clouds had darkened from a ghostly white to a charcoal gray.

“Gorgeous, isn’t it?” Elena said in a measured tone. “Gigantic cotton balls in creative and unique shapes, suspended who knows how many kilometers above our heads. A painting ready to be rendered. Our lives look so tiny and lackluster compared to nature. Have we really improved much from the days when we lay in a field and stared at the sky? And at night? We’ve never seen those stars our ancestors took for granted. We never learned the stories they read in those constellations. Besides, imagine the amount of UFOs they must’ve witnessed zipping around up there, without comprehending what the fuck they were looking at.”

“As if we understand. By the way, iron age life expectancy hovered around twenty years. Half of children didn’t make it to puberty. Trepanning was used as a cure for migraines. People died from a mild infection, or from shitting. There were no books, no movies, no computers, and you were lucky if you had a wooden horse, and a piece of hard bread to gnaw at.”

Elena had crossed her alabaster ankles, smooth skin revealed beneath the hems of her black joggers, that had slipped up the shins as she reclined in the lawn chair. The pack of cookies rested on her lap. Her pallid face bloomed in the sunlight like an unfurled moonflower. I beheld a quasi-mythical creature, rare as the sight of a narwhal’s tooth cleaving the surface of the Arctic Ocean.

“Well, aren’t you full of facts? You’ll explode like a piñata. But you’re right. Most people’s lives throughout the ages were wasted in perpetual crises. And here we are, wasting our lives in the midst of supposed plenty, and still suffering.” She shifted in the chair, the plastic strips creaking as she brushed cookie crumbs off her hoodie. Her pale blues searched my face anxiously. “Come on, blurt it out. You know I’m waiting for the verdict.”

“I’m still coming to my senses. Let’s recap: a man and a woman locked in a relationship without the slightest interference. He refuses to leave that secluded clearing because the outside world is… meaningless and hostile. Worse than the risk of starvation. Their relationship is as co-dependent as that of a parasite and host, and maybe I should be disturbed by the cannibalism, but… reverting to a primal state, losing yourself in intimacy with the sole existence that matters in the universe, feels holy to me.”

Elena’s gaze slid down to her fingers clutching the pack of chocolate cookies. The inner corners of her blonde eyebrows slanted upwards. As if she had won a struggle with herself, her pale blues snapped up and locked with my eyes. Her mouth curved into an impish smile.

“What deeper connection could exist, what greater intimacy and trust, than allowing your beloved to tear out and devour pieces of your body?”

“Yeah. Remind me to never stick my dick in your mouth.”

After an explosive “pfft,” Elena erupted into a hearty laugh—a wild blend of a crow’s cawing and a hyena’s yapping—that rattled her shoulders. Doubled over, she let her head slump between her arms while her almond-blonde hair shimmered like spun gold in the sunlight. She raised her head, revealing her cheeks flushed pink. I couldn’t help but grin. As her laughter dwindled into a chuckle, she leaned to the side and plunged a hand into her open backpack. With a crisp crinkle of plastic, Elena fished out the bag of salted peanuts and lobbed it at me. I caught it by pressing the bag against my chest.

“Is this your way of telling me to stuff my own mouth?”

“You need to eat. You were starving yourself while you read about a guy feasting on his girl. At least nibble on some nuts, you big, bearded weirdo.”

I shrugged, then tore the bag open, unleashing the scent of salty, roasted peanuts. I poured a handful and shoved them into my mouth. My taste buds tingled with salt as I crunched down the nuts. Elena picked up a cookie from the pack on her lap and bit it in half, her head tilted back slightly, exposing her throat as she studied me.

“Allow me to ruin the moment,” I said, “by bringing up that being eaten alive must be one of the most horrifying ways to die. I read about a teenager, I think in Russia, who texted her mother as a family of bears were gorging themselves on her flesh, and I wish I could scrub that shit out of my brain.”

Elena swallowed. A shadow passed over her face despite the sunlight streaming down.

“I read that too. Funny how we cling to such horrific stories. Like picking at scabs. We can’t wait for the apocalypse, huh? Maybe we’ll get to chew on each other. Yeah, I doubt I meant the cannibalism literally. It’s more of… what would you call it? A metaphor?”

“Or a symbol.”

“Well, who the fuck cares about the labels academicians slap on things. What matters is the experience. I didn’t come up with that particular element of the story, though. My monster presented it to me, as in, ‘Oh, you should have the narrator feed from that lagoon woman for nourishment,’ and I went along. Felt right.”

Elena wedged the rest of the cookie into her mouth. I tossed another handful of peanuts into mine.

“At a middle level of meaning,” Elena continued, her voice distorted by cookie chunks, “I suppose it relates to how I imagine complete intimacy: letting someone peel away all the layers of yourself, exposing what you try to conceal, the parts that disgust and shame you, and learning they can accept those too. Most people can’t handle seeing what’s beneath someone else’s skin, let alone consuming it. They want sanitized relationships that don’t make them question their own humanity. No dirt, no grime, no stink. But in that clearing… that’s what love might look like if we stripped away the social conditioning that turns us into dishonest creatures, instead of the wild animals we really are. Neither of them is trying to change the other. The narrator accepts that she needs to submerge in stagnant water for dozens of minutes at a time, and return to his embrace soaking wet and covered in pond scum. And she accepted him from the moment he stepped into that clearing. Two people finding comfort in their shared fucked-up-ness. Cannibalism as communion. Total surrender. She’d rather be devoured piece by piece than let him leave. And he’d rather starve than return to a world that doesn’t contain her.”

Elena’s features twisted in tension—brows knotted and lips pursed as if battling an internal pressure. She had hunched slightly, shoulders drawn inward. Her expression melted, and she pressed a hand against her stomach.

“Almost burped. I don’t know why I eat these cookies. They always make me feel bloated.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Is what what I want?”

“To live in isolation with someone who loves you.”

She whipped her head to stare at me with wide, naked eyes, her lips parted. I had never witnessed her speechless, as if she had short-circuited. When the power flickered back to those pale blues, Elena averted her gaze and fiddled with the zipper of her hoodie.

“Straight to the point, huh? Bold motherfucker.”

“And I expect a bold answer.”

Elena reached down for the carton of orange juice, unscrewed the cap, and guzzled, her throat contracting as she swallowed. After setting the carton on the ground, she fixated on the eroded stones beside me rather than meeting my eyes. Her upper lip glistened from moisture.

“I guess you expect me to say that I want to be with someone who sees the real me, who shows me how it feels to be loved and accepted. Who makes me feel less alone in the world. Sadly, I was tempted to pretend I haven’t fantasized about that, but the ghosts in my daydreams aren’t flesh and blood, which means I can spend eternity in their company.”

“And shape them to your liking.”

“Sure. They can’t leave. They can’t disappoint me.”

“Or hurt you.”

Elena’s pale blues flicked up to my face, then away, as her shoulders stiffened.

“Listen, Jon. When real humans are involved, my body, my brain, they react in predictable ways. As if those people and I belonged to separate species. A relationship that works in my imagination would turn unbearable in person. I’d grow to hate their voice, their breath, their smell, the sound of them breathing. To the extent that I’d want to strangle them. I’d unconsciously push them away until they gave up on me. And I’m not sure I’m capable of loving someone. I can’t even stand myself.” Elena exhaled, then rubbed her eyelids as if to hide in that darkness. “To survive, we tell ourselves stories about how we’d love to spend our limited lives, but it all boils down to how you’re wired, how your neurological makeup processes reality. And to me, it feels like a nonsensical succession of bristly, abrasive stimuli. Add in the horror of inhabiting a mortal body. Your skin itches, your guts twist, your head aches. In constant conflict with the sack of flesh and bones you’re forced to nourish and maintain. Pissing and shitting and horking snot and vomiting, bleeding out every month if you’ve got a cunt, then menopause and wrinkles and everything sagging to shit. I’d rather free my consciousness from this monkey suit and install it in a robotic body that would allow me to modulate sensory input, or even turn it off. Instead, I’m trapped in a puppet of decaying meat colonized by trillions of microbes. And it will fail on you one day, you know. Despite everything you’ve sacrificed, it will betray you. At the very least, your neurons will fry and you’ll lose track of where and who you are. And in the end, the Earth, the sun, the universe itself will succumb to entropy, so none of it matters. What a nightmare. If my brain hadn’t been shaped so strangely, maybe I wouldn’t feel trapped in this miserable hellhole of a world. All I see in the mirror is a broken, twisted, parasitic organism doomed to an eternity of solitude. Might be the least she deserves for being defective and bringing misery to others.”

“You have a right to be happy, Elena. Try to extract as much joy from this nonsense as you can.”

Elena dropped the cookie pack into her backpack before curling into herself, hugging her knees to her chest. The parallel white stripes rippled along the creased fabric of her joggers, evoking a flag fluttering in the breeze. Her tired eyes, stark against the dark shadows beneath them, locked onto me with an unblinking intensity.

“Let me get to the point, Johnny. That story was inspired by something stronger than love. Something that has kept me alive despite my longing for death.”

“Stronger than love, huh?”

“Oh, yes. Like a black hole to a star. A force of nature that warps the fabric of reality. A gravitational pull that can’t be resisted or escaped, that bends the light of the stars and the flow of time. Want to hear the details?”

“I want to hear everything about you. Lay it on me.”

“What a gracious gentleman. Well, let me bring you back to the days when I worked as bookstore clerk, or whatever the fuck they call that. In Gros. That daily sacrifice to the gods of the rat race for the sole purpose of amassing money, a purpose to which we’re born enslaved. Anyway, I include the hour-long commute each way in crowded buses and trains. How many times did some motherfucker rip a fart, forcing everyone in the vicinity to inhale his putrid gases? A wafting shit mist that clung to the inside of your nostrils.” Elena rubbed her face with her palms. “Let’s move on. Whenever I stocked the shelves, or dealt with my coworkers and customers, or just sat in the back room with my face in my hands, I yearned to hide from this world that grinds us into dust, that demands we participate in its meaningless rituals until we’re hollowed out. I longed to escape to a secluded place where I could be my true self, where no one would find me and drag me back. Once you know that such a sanctuary exists, even in your imagination, the tiny, sterile reality you’ve been confined to from birth asphyxiates you. I’ve been there, Jon. In that secluded clearing. Not literally eating people, obviously—although my intrusive thoughts love to provide detailed instructions from time to time. Inside that sanctuary, the mere thought of returning to the cold machinery of society made my blood curdle.” She rested her chin on her knees, her pale blues vacant as if gazing into another dimension. “I’ll open up about something hard for me to articulate. I’ve never before attempted to put it into words. But that’s the point of these meetings, right?” Elena’s fingers dug into her kneecaps. She closed her eyes, her features strained. “In that sanctuary, I was rarely alone. You could say I retreated to the clearing to meet someone. A presence that had become more real than my own body. Whose words mattered more than food, or air, or sunlight. Whose existence justified mine. Whose essence, freely shared, I consumed, trying to transform myself into someone deserving of her gifts. She was the reason I kept going, the reason I woke up every morning. Because I knew she’d be there.”

Elena’s breath hitched. We had stepped past her writing onto the jagged brink of an unhealed wound. Her furrowed brows and the tension around her mouth betrayed her struggle to remain in control.

“You were in love, then,” I said. “Who’s the lucky woman?”

Her chest heaved as she inhaled deeply. After opening her eyes, she locked a piercing gaze on me as if punishing herself. Those pale blues, haunted by a beast’s sorrow, gleamed with a liquid sheen that pooled at the waterline. A glistening crystal bead spilled over and clung to the lashes.

“I… I can’t, Jon,” she said in a ragged voice. “Now, I cannot.”

“No pressure. You don’t owe me anything, Elena. Least of all your pain.”

“I would never call it love. You have to understand. She made my existence bearable. I yearned to take her inside me so utterly that the boundaries of our selves would dissolve, and she would flow through my veins and seep into my bones. I knew that returning daily to her presence would… But what was the alternative? Streetlights and vending machines? The rest of the world is noise. I’d rather be consumed by something meaningful. Even if it destroys me. No, especially if it does.”

From the shadows under Elena’s brows, her eyes still reflected the sunlight as she averted her gaze. Her lashes swallowed the solitary tear.

“I hate slapping labels on things. Words are crude trade-offs in which to cram whole universes of meaning. In some cases, people cage those meanings into words precisely to lock them away. But human beings can’t pour the contents of their minds into other skulls, hence the insufficient, clumsy tool of language. Let me use the dreaded O-word to sum it up.”

“Which one? Oblivion? Onanism?”

Elena’s eyes snapped back to me. Her lips stretched into a wry smile.

“Obsession, you dickhead. It lacks the dignity and respectability of love, but it’s got teeth. And claws. Sharp ones that sink into your brain and won’t let go. When you’re obsessed, you don’t need to be loved in return. You’re content to feed off scraps. Back to the lagoon woman, I needed her identity to stay a mystery. I thought of her as a black hole, an unknowable singularity. Anyone approaching her would get sucked in and distorted beyond recognition. A mind warping around a mind warping around a mind.”

After rubbing her hands on her joggers, Elena lowered her feet to the ground and leaned forward to seize the carton of Don Simón. She unscrewed the cap, then drained the container dry as it dented in her grip. She screwed the cap back on and stuffed the empty carton into her backpack.

“You know, years ago, a therapist told me I couldn’t possibly feel soothed by my obsessions. Their bible—the DSM—didn’t allow it, at least as it came to the OCD label she intended to staple onto my poor, troubled head. I wish I had told her to fuck off. Don’t get me wrong… My obsessions have contaminated me. But worse, I feared that my fondling and drooling might taint their purity.” She sighed and shook her head. “There’s no way to sugarcoat this, Johnny: I’m the most obsessive person I’ve ever known. Outside of those you only find out about because…” Her voice grew brittle, on the brink of cracking. “Because they walk up to their idol and stab them in the heart.”


Author’s note: today’s song is “Hotel California” by Eagles.

Neural Pulse, Pt. 8 (Fiction)

Mara covered the lens of her helmet with one palm, and slumped her shoulders. Jing backed away from the artifact, his fingers tightening around the pry bar. The woman took a breath. She made sure our eyes met.

“Perhaps it would help you to rest until we fly back. In the cockpit. Listen. When you loaded the material onto the ship, did you go aboard to check the radio?”

Was she asking me about communications now? What did it matter? Was she trying to annoy me?

“No, I didn’t check it,” I said dryly.

“Who knows how much time we have left. We’ll haul the remaining material as fast as we can, and figure out how to free this artifact.”

“Wait. You intend for us to take it?”

Mara confronted me with the cold anger that hardened her features whenever she spoke of her superiors.

“You promised me this outpost would contain unknown artifacts that would launch my career. I didn’t believe you, because you were basing it on fantasies, but you stumbled upon the truth by chance. This artifact will secure my career for the rest of my life. It will justify to everyone who meddles why we risked so much coming down to this planet.”

I leaned on the wall to push myself up, but the effort sent a jolt flashing through my brain. I stopped and clutched the side of my helmet. My heart was pounding. If I overloaded my limbs with commands, I risked my neurons short-circuiting.

I swallowed hard. Catching my breath, I faced Mara.

“Whatever that thing triggered feels like malice. You want to bring it up to the station and endanger thousands of people?”

“Kirochka, think. When we get back, you’ll need to file your report on the survey of this sector. Even if you avoid mentioning the artifact, another science team will explore this outpost and take the credit. Someone will get the artifact off this planet, and it’s going to be us.”

I felt dizzy, slick with cold sweat, as if I were incubating some disease. The shadows focused streams of insults and threats on me. I needed to flee, to get away from Jing and Mara drilling me with their stares.

“Fine.”

I took two steps toward the exit, but they were blocking it. I lowered my gaze to the polished rock floor, to my boot prints, and wanted to close my eyes, sink into blackness.

“Move aside, please.”

I glimpsed out of the corner of my eye Jing and Mara moving around a support strut, putting the artifact between themselves and me. I edged toward the doorway and stopped. The xenobiologist’s mouth hung slightly open, and the woman watched my movements disapprovingly, as if I had insulted her.

“Don’t repeat what I did,” I said. “Don’t press your face against the shell of that thing, don’t look inside.”

“I wouldn’t have done that in the first place,” Mara retorted.

“Once you’ve loaded the rest of the material onto the ship, we’ll figure out how to deal with this thing.”

Her voice took on a cold, professional calm.

“I understand you need to rest, but there’s barely any of the outdated tech left to dismantle.”

“Before you try to move the artifact, talk to me first. Please, Mara.”

She pursed her lips. Was there any emotion behind her icy eyes? Did my anguish matter to her?

And why should I care? You’re stupid, Kirochka. You live for risks, a genetic flaw that threatens everyone around you, one I’ve exploited to launch my career. I need you because you can pilot. Once I’ve got the artifact onto the station and they know I discovered it, I’ll forget you exist. You’ll go on getting drunk with your stupid friends, or tangling yourself in the sheets with that boyfriend of yours, and I’ll refuse to answer your calls. I’ll get this artifact off this planet whether you like it or not.

I blinked, trying to clear the sweat stinging my eyes. My legs were trembling. The shadows crept inch by inch along the sides of the room, flanking me, and when they reached me, they would crush the breath out of me in their embrace.

Jing placed a hand on Mara’s arm. She shot him an annoyed look. The xenobiologist gave me the kind of smile one might offer a terminally ill patient.

“Kirochka. That’s your name, isn’t it? If you need help, please, just ask. Anything. We’re in this together.”

I nodded and turned away. I needed to get away from them. I crossed the basement, where the construction robots stood idle, following the oval beam of my flashlight as it slid across the floor. I ran up the ramp. As I moved away from the artifact, from Mara and Jing, the shadows receded, hanging level with me, trapped in the rock. If I stopped running and looked back, in the distance, the invisible eyes of a wall of silhouettes would watch me go. Seconds later, the shadows vanished as if I’d never felt them.

My leg muscles burned. Jing and Mara’s transmission, arguing about how to dismantle a construction robot, became choppy, then cut out as the indicator in my helmet lens showed I’d lost their signals.

I emerged outside and sprinted across the empty dome. Halfway across, I switched off my flashlight. When I exited onto the open ground outside, I bent over with my hands on my knees. Sweat spattered the inside of my helmet lens. I looked around, at the ring of slopes enclosing the crater, and the crags of the distant, looming mountains. How could I stand being cooped up in the ship’s cockpit waiting for Jing and Mara? I’d lie down on this sandy ground, out of sight, and give myself a few minutes to figure things out.

I hurried away from the landing site. A break in the terrain formed a small embankment. I jumped down into it. When I landed, my boots kicked up dust. I lay down on my side, careful not to put pressure on my oxygen recycler in case it came loose. Before me stretched nearly a kilometer and a half of wasteland ending in an upward slope.

Even though I was away from Jing, Mara, and the artifact, I was consumed by the anxiety that I’d made an irreparable mistake—an anxiety related to the moment when, taking a curve too tight, I’d crashed Bee, my racing ship, into an asteroid, and thought the collapsing cockpit had crushed my legs. That other consciousness crouched in my mind like a tarantula in its underground lair.

How could I have just left Mara and Jing down there? That woman needed to understand, to unravel mysteries. What if she copied me, thinking she could avoid my mistakes? If we took the artifact to the station, how long before someone else looked inside and discovered their reflection? Scientist after scientist would poke around, only to snap awake with their minds under siege.

But Mara was right. I would be forced to file the survey report for this sector. They’d collect the photos and topographical data in their databases. Even if the station found out about our illicit sortie, my friend would board the ship only once the artifact—the winning lottery ticket needed to stop her superiors stealing opportunity after opportunity from her—was waiting in the cargo hold.

What if I acted first, stopped this before we had to argue about it? I could destroy the artifact. Mara would hate me, maybe forever. She’d treat me with the same disdain she showed most people. But if I let that thing end up on the station, sooner or later the woman would convince herself she could study the undulating membranes without being affected.

I scraped my fingers through the sandy earth. Would I really destroy it? Yes. No matter how advanced the technology was, what good could come from something that materialized shadows projecting such hatred? I would smash that artifact, and it would spill onto the ground in a puddle of translucent, purple and pink matter, like a stranded jellyfish.


Author’s note: I wrote this novella in Spanish about ten years ago. It’s contained in the collection titled Los dominios del emperador búho.

Neural Pulse, Pt. 7 (Fiction)

Jing appeared to my left. His profile regarded the object with the expression of someone wishing they were ten kilometers away.

I placed a hand on the shoulder of his suit.

“Some kind of exotic creature?”

The xenobiologist closed his mouth and shook his head.

We waited for a while, in case the artifact reacted to our presence, before settling. Mara scanned the struts with the multimeter. Jing circled a strut and approached her.

“A power source? A generator?”

“No. These struts are fed by the external wiring.”

“So they do more than just support the artifact?”

“Support the artifact? It floats between them. And the outpost has more than enough power from stellar energy. Batteries are full.”

Mara crossed her arms. The artifact’s undulating veils were mirrored in her helmet’s lens.

“Let’s see. The aliens built the outpost at the base of this crater because they detected a vein of that mineral, which they used to build the robots and, I imagine, repair damage.”

“You think they dug this thing up?” Jing said.

“That the algorithm the robots follow to maintain this installation stumbled upon the artifact while drilling the vein, dozens of meters below the surface? I think they found the artifact on another planet, or adrift in space. Maybe they were programmed so that if they found a strange artifact, they should settle on a nearby planet, call home, and wait for their owners to arrive.”

How would we take the artifact? I imagined prying it from the struts with the crowbar, but were they even holding it? The veils of purple and pink energy floated like some weather phenomenon forming between fronts of cold and hot air.

I crouched down to the artifact’s level, and when I leaned in to make out the details, my lens bumped against something. I startled as if a lamp had fallen on my head while I slept. I had felt an invisible shell. I slid my gloved palms over the curved surface. Solid and uniform like a crystal ball. The struts were holding it.

I pressed my helmet’s lens against that invisible shell, which held firm. Inside, the undulating energy membranes crisscrossed like ghosts. If they represented some pattern, it surpassed my ability to recognize it. When I focused on a point on the membranes, some overlapped, but when I shifted my gaze, those same membranes receded into the background of the image.

My eyes ached. My mind complained with an animal alertness, unable to reconcile the tangle of energy with the dimensional combinations under which it had evolved. I was contemplating vastnesses of space, miniature universes.

At one point on the undulating membranes, I glimpsed microscopic seams between which an image was forming. My face, just as the bathroom mirror would show me. Skin bronzed by several stars. In those eyes staring back unblinking, irises the color of clear water speckled with navy blue. The curves of those lips, chapped by temperature changes mission after mission, had parted into a slit. My wheat-colored hair tucked behind my ears except for one loose lock.

The face receded into a black background. My ears bothered me as if air were pressing on the eardrums from inside. The undulating membranes distanced themselves from my full-body reflection, that floated in the blackness. The reflection wore my threadbare flight academy t-shirt, the one I slept in, and my pajama shorts. Beneath my shapely calves, bare feet stood on a void.

The reflection tilted its head. It turned and looked around. It ventured into the darkness, growing dimmer with each step, while groping as if searching for a wall, until, reduced to a miniature, the reflection merged with a black vastness.

A whiteness dazzled me. I glimpsed above me two people in gold and white spacesuits. Their lenses reflected the beam of my flashlight. I had sat down on the floor and leaned my back against a wall.

An avalanche of anguish overwhelmed me. I felt lost in catacombs, stalked by shadows looming a few steps away, silently promising to tear me apart.

I slid the heels of my boots on the floor until I stood up. I stumbled to the opposite side of the basement, away from the figures in their spacesuits. As I distanced myself like a frightened horse, the wave of hatred those shadows focused on me eased. Behind the lenses, I made out the faces of Jing and Mara. What were they doing here?

In the center of the basement, the struts held an invisible shell, and the energy membranes it contained mutated in watery undulations.

“Kirochka, what’s wrong with you?” Mara asked.

“I don’t know.”

The woman approached, and a tumult of shadows closed in around me. I screamed in a sharp tone that had never left my mouth before.

“Get away!”

Mara and Jing looked at each other as if to ascertain if the other thought I was joking. The woman faced me, frowning.

We find an unknown artifact and you decide to stick yourself right up against it. What else could I expect from an imbecile like you?

A presence orbiting my consciousness had spoken to me, sounding at times from the left, from the right, from ahead, from behind. I shuddered as if frozen. My heart anticipated a bombardment.

“Who said that?”

As Mara and Jing approached, the ring of shadows stretched their hands towards me, wanting to snag my skin with their bony claws.

I raised a palm and warned them, shouting an interjection. Why were they approaching? Did they want to distress me?

You wander through life assuming everything will turn out fine, that whatever happens you’ll know how to save yourself and land ready to repeat the adventure. But you reveal yourself for what you are. An incapable idiot.

Mara took two steps back. She scanned me as if shrapnel from an explosion had riddled me and she were assessing the damage.

“There’s a before and after you touched the artifact, Kirochka. Specify what’s wrong with you.”

Her voice, filling my helmet via the radio and pouring into my ears, irritated me like a scratching fingernail. I wanted to demand she lower her tone or shut up. I gripped the sides of my helmet. I longed to take it off, cover my face with my palms, and breathe deeply.

“How did I end up against the wall?”

“You leaned in to look inside the artifact. Half a minute later, you backed away hunched over until you hit the wall and slid to the floor. I thought you were playing one of your jokes on us. For a while, you just looked around absently.”

I remembered wandering through a growing blackness until I had disappeared. After a cut, Jing and Mara had loomed before me. The blackness had spilled from the artifact and embodied itself in shadows.

The woman fumbled with the instruments clipped to her belt as if they hid an answer.

“Have you really forgotten?”

“That thing affected me, Mara,” I said gravely.

She crouched beside me and rested a forearm on her knee. She squinted against the wash of my flashlight beam.

“Who told you to play around with an unknown artifact?”

I endured the anguish, an acid corroding my chest, but the shadows pushed me against the wall, grabbed my undershirt through the suit, clenched my hair into a fist, covered my mouth. I jumped sideways, away from Mara.

“I told you to get away. Why are you approaching again? Didn’t you understand me?”

The woman, still, lost the color in her face. She glanced towards the energy membranes the artifact contained.

You enjoyed walking along the edge. Your races. You volunteered for risky missions because you live for that excitement, and the more you consume it, the more you need to risk. But you slipped on the precipice and plunged off.

A presence crept through my brains, slid down its slopes, separated the folds, and nested in the sticky warmth.

“Shut the fuck up,” I said. “Nobody asked for your comments.”

Mara stood up and backed away, holding me with her gaze. She unclipped the multimeter, along with another meter I didn’t recognize. Jing watched as if waiting for a doctor to revive someone. The woman distanced herself from the artifact as far as her arm could reach, and analyzed the invisible shell.

“It’s not emitting anything.”

“That you know of,” I said. “Maybe it emitted something and stopped.”

In the stretching pause, instead of silence, I found those shadows silently repeating how much they hated me, that they would torture me to death. Wherever I looked, I glimpsed shadows.

My spine shuddered in chains of tremors. I slipped away to the corner farthest from Jing and Mara, and the shadows diminished.

The woman wrung her gloved fingers as her gaze pierced the artifact’s energy membranes.

“Can you explain? What changed?”

I took a deep breath and relaxed my voice.

“When you get close, I feel several shadows swollen with hatred draw near as if to suffocate me. From this corner, they wait at a certain distance. And someone is talking to me. Someone in my head.”

“In what voice?”

“None. Like another consciousness stuck to mine.”

“Do you understand what it’s saying?”

I nodded.

“Nothing good.”


Author’s note: I wrote this novella in Spanish about ten years ago. It’s contained in the collection titled Los dominios del emperador búho.

Today’s song is “Climbing up the Walls” by Radiohead.