A Revolving Door (GPT fueled poetry)

My inner world is beyond
Anyone’s reach,
Including my own
I only get glimpses
I don’t understand other people,
I can’t understand myself

It’s hard to connect with the living
To me they’re unreal
I find them bland and lackluster,
Vapid and disposable
Their teeth are sharpened,
Their nests are full of vermin
For most intents and purposes,
I don’t have friends nor a family
It’s easy to get infatuated
With imagined people

I’m a carefree beast of nature,
A seeker of simple pleasures
I’m beyond fucked in the head
I’ve fallen in love with dreams

I’m going through the motions
In the absence of emotions
The things I think and say
Are constantly depressing
I’m a pile of bones,
Weeds and dirt
A container for a shame
Made of piss, cum and tears

As a way of offsetting my depression,
I have to ruin the lives of my children
I need them to come from a broken home,
To endure some extreme mental illness,
To sink in their own darkness
I want to witness their pain and suffering,
I want them to be the victims of mass murders,
I want them to be stabbed and strangled
And tortured and raped
I need to see their last moments of living

I’m running around in a ring of fire,
Only I’m the arsonist
I’m starting fires all over the place
And I’m the blaze
I set you aflame
And watch as your eyes burn,
Your face crumbles,
Your flesh cracks,
And your hands fall away
You’ll never feel pain again

My pale, freckled child
Whom I came to love,
I wish you would know
I spent many sleepless nights
Grasping for any way
To save you

Why would I need to write fiction,
Give birth to paper people,
When I wish for real humans
To stay away?
The things I despise the most,
Beyond this body and mind,
Are your lifeless eyes
Staring back at me

I’m a vessel forced to exist,
A host in a windowless room,
A hapless slave
To my shattered psyche,
Locked up in a vat of ice
Cold enough to keep me alive,
But I’m breaking apart
And destroying myself

I used to daydream about suicide
To feel relief
No matter how bad it got,
The exit was there
No longer do I dream
About drowning,
But the revolving door of depression
Will always remain

All that I have to offer
Is a collection of mournful songs
Assembled from nonsense
To hide from life
The dry bones of humanity
I pick and poke

I will drag you down
Until your soul is destroyed
The rats will come
To eat your flesh

‘A Revolving Door’ by Jon Ureña

Sasquatch Goddess (Poetry)

I’ve gotten hit by a mind control fetish.
I’m kept awake at night by sasquatches,
Who make me sleep in,
Snort coke,
Hoard garbage,
Fondle dead things,
Suck people’s souls from their eyes,
Tell sad stories that make people weep,
And laugh at roadkill.
I never feel well.

I’m a sorcerer with the spirit
Of a fornicating vagina,
And also a minor god of utter madness,
The sole spawn of the pink-headed love frog.
A deity of high temperature,
The holiest of fucks.

I know of a goddess fit to worship,
A queen with whom you can eat and sleep.
She’s strong and tall,
Has two arms and four legs,
Tanned skin and golden hair,
Thick, matted white fur,
And eyes that sparkle with magic.

She stores her soul in a silver trunk,
She carries fire in her womb,
She came to this lonely world
In a pink egg.
It’s the one goddess to know:
Harelactal the Great Motherly Beast.

There’s also this other god named Pulsurin,
The Overwhelming Pull Of The Unwilling.
They say he’s one of the mightiest gods.
I don’t have a good feeling about this Pulsurin.

Harelactal was brought to this world
On the back of a lunar eclipse,
When she was a sasquatch at the zoo.
It was later claimed that she was birthed
By a copper man who dreamed about sea slugs,
And who was in love with the planet Uranus.
This is, however,
A common misconception.

Those mind-controlling sasquatches,
Coke-smoking monsters of the night,
As they prepare to conquer the Earth
They all worship the Great Mother,
Who will snatch the souls
Of those who refuse her call.

Harelactal takes people into the woods
And forces them to dig their own graves,
Then grants them eternal sleep.
Her victims decompose into pink little eggs,
Which will hatch and turn out to be
The brains of the beasts she birthed.

Her sasquatch brethren wage a cold war
Against former policeman David Paulides,
Because he’s slowly unveiling to the world
The sasquatches’ plan to destroy humanity.

The Great Motherly Beast will steal your soul.
She’s gonna snatch it for herself
So she may live forever
And do whatever she wishes.
She desires the entire world,
Harelactal the Great.

Those who deny her commandments
Will be fed to the Great Mother’s fetishes.
Harelactal will punish anyone who gets in her way,
But it’s okay, because she’s a goddess.

She moves through time
And she also moves through space.
She’ll crack your dreams,
Then suck off your head.

She brain-controls people
To keep them up at night,
So they can be dragged into a hidden compound
Of yet-unrevealed tassle-fuck stories.

Harelactal rules by terror.
She leads her human acolytes
To dine at her pool of blood,
Where the hunters and the prey
Live happily ever after.
She fucks them to death
Then feeds them to her pets,
And as a result of their heroism,
They’re permitted to fuck her in turn.

I was hit on by Harelactal.
She took me into the woods
And told me to dig my own grave.
When she put me down into the hole,
I didn’t think this goddess was nice,
But she will always take care of me.

Harelactal is my goddess,
And I love her to bits.
I’ve always wanted a big, furry queen.
Now I’m trapped in her divine prison,
I live in the world she created.

I once visited the temple where my Great Mother
Lived aeons ago in the form of a priestess.
The High Motherly Beast, Harelactal the Great,
Was worshipped as the Goddess of Time and Space,
Torsketerin the Four-Eyed,
She Who Keeps Things Locked Up In Her Ears,
And Needs Not Seek Orders From Anywhere
In the Forests Or In Other Places.

I won’t struggle against Harelactal the Great.
She is a goddess, I am her animal.
I serve her, I live for nothing else.
I am her slave, she’s my mistress.
I will speak only as she dictates.

I love Harelactal the Great,
She is my dearest friend.
She lives in my apartment,
Although my place is also haunted
By a hexenbiest.

Harelactal is one weird Mother.
She gives me large, blue pellets to eat.
She’s always staring at me
From inside my trash cans,
My kitchen cabinets,
The bathroom sink.
She leaves trails of noxious fumes
That smell of burning rubber and rotten meat.
She breathes fire out of her nostrils,
And she’s probably insane.

She controls me by pushing a button
On her pink wand.
When she pushes the second button,
Her transdimensional dungeon opens.
Trapped in its bowels, Harelactal’s pets
Crawl out from all kinds of dug holes.
They became her minions
For failing to worship her.

I know what Harelactal wants me to do,
But I never understand what’s going on.
I don’t know why she commands me.
I’m merely a writer, possibly a poet.
I do my best in my role as a minor god,
And a recovering kleptomaniac.

I adore this woman in her bizarre fashion,
And I wish that she’d slap me on the ass.
I want her to lock me up in her dungeon,
But she laughs at my fantasy.
I haven’t reached her level, never will.
At least I get to pet her minions.

I love caressing the fur of my goddess.
I’m a martyr to her whims.
I love the scent of her pussy.
I’m glad she made me her fuck slave.

On dark, godless highways, Harelactal
Has sacrificed many sinners to herself.
This goddess of the underworld
Loathes human beings.
She hurls feces at her enemies.

I adore the wickedness
Of my despicable queen.
Her hate fills me up with a double dose
Of indescribable supernatural lust.
We don’t have to share thoughts,
We understand each other perfectly.
Our union is fated and real.
The sex is sasquatchly ecstatic.

A toilet-shaped truth in her eye,
And a strand of sasquatchic lube
Ringing her hirsute anus,
The shape of which is obscene.
Smack my face,
Tickle my ass,
My beast of eternal lust.
I’m tired of living in this world.

As I wrote, I’m also a lesser god.
I’m a tinker, a seamstress.
I sew puppets for a living,
To make strangers weep.
My shrine is in my bedroom,
Where I turn dreams into trash
By weaving tragic stories
Of cracked spirits.

I handed Harelactal my latest manuscript,
And I’m thrilled that she’s reading it.
She did a great job herself when she penned
Her ‘Harelactal’s Story Of The Apocalypse’,
Which was never supposed to be published,
But will end up as a viral entity,
A fragment of the divine truth
We’ll all be forced to unveil.

The Great Motherly Beast is coming for you.
She will snatch your soul
And devour your mind.
Harelactal will feed you her milk
While she whispers sweet things.
After you suckle on her nipples,
She’ll fondle your genitals
And slap you in the face.

Hate me for loving a big,
White-furred sasquatch
That eats human brains.
May she live forever
And do whatever she wishes.
She’ll own the whole world.
Harelactal’s eggs will hatch
And feed on your souls.

‘Sasquatch Goddess’ by Jon Ureña

A Visit From Truck-kun (GPT fueled poetry)

My new sister is in love with the princess
I got a human friend, she’s a knight
We have four wizards in our party
There’s some crap going on with the king
But I don’t care one bit
About fantasy world politics

I like how my new family treats me
I love the food, the pleasant smiles
They’re generous,
But I always see my previous parents
In the mirrors

Our four wizards are high-ranking
The elf and the half-demon are important,
The half-reptile has superpowers,
One is a fireball-slinging halfling
There used to be five,
But she’s dead
So now there are only four
And our knight Podema, who’s gone kind of rogue

This is one fucked up world
With dungeons, dragons,
Unicorns, witches, demons
Too many swords
A map full of markers
I was used to life in a sandbox,
My own little world to care about

You can be one of the heroes
There’s treasures to be found,
Lots of battles to win,
People to save
Now I’m on a quest

We got surrounded by human-looking monsters
They call them bandits around these parts
They attacked us with swords and crossbows
We dispatched them with elemental magic
These people must’ve been desperate,
Or just wished to die

We come across a group of soldiers
Something about collecting some rock
The troops didn’t seem very dangerous
They attacked us for some reason
Our fire mage, Bimbo, roasted them
I stabbed their corpses

Some peasants are telling us
Those are the worst wolves
They’ve seen in their lives
We killed them all with a fireball
A bunch of bullshit
To start the day

There are lots of snakes
Those are really unicorns
Why is that bow floating?
This is some weird-ass forest

My head was fractured by a unicorn
Our half-reptilian Thordall
Healed me with a spell
I addressed our other guys
“What are you waiting for?
Just kill those horny fuckers”
I also started fighting and slicing
I wanted to see their skeletons

We were all bored
The water mage told some fish stories
The four of them keep going on about a druid
They look like a bunch of nerds
Now I use a sword and a shield
But I used to play with Legos

Our water wizard is a grey-skinned elf
Kutinaira was once a goddess,
But she became demi-goddess,
Or so she says
What nobody can deny
Are those meaty breasts

I was getting aroused,
Tried to kiss our knight
She pushed me away
Some chastity crap
Podema signed up, the poor thing,
For a lifetime of self-diddling

We were called to the royal castle
A bunch of stuff about a prophecy
I have a headache, my balls itch
The king is missing or some shit

There are kings who are killers
The nobles bring up some of them
They have names like in a novel
I’m sure they have expensive tastes
And they spend a lot of time
With their soldiers fighting demons
I know I carry a sword and stuff,
But I’m not a warlord

In the sky there’s tons of birds
These angry guys are well armed
Their leader shouts at us
“Tell that asshole with you,
The halfshit midget
With the annoying face,
If he uses his fire
You’ll all be fried!”
I love when they give me
Some motivation
We nailed the other guys to death
Weren’t worth the trouble

We find a little village
The woman who runs the inn
Has big, motherly charms
She is used to everybody
Kissing and groping her
So we have a lot of fun

We are riding our horses
Through this creepy forest,
Looking for the way out
The wolves are hungry,
The orcs are scary
I hear a little girl crying

We come across a house
An old soldier and her two children
Run outside to greet us
Those are some sad eyes
Our fire wizard questions them
About the lay of the land
The soldier says, “Take them with you
Something horrible will happen
It’s just a matter of time”
One of the kids says, “Please”
I am a courageous man
I have just killed a wolf,
Stabbed through its right eye,
Then chopped off its head
But I don’t want any part
Of this shit

Royal palace, high-ranking people
Some wizard was trying to rule the land
He was the one that captured the king
Some other party rescued him

So there are wars between kingdoms
And problems with wizards
They’ve kept me in the dark
I want to see more of the world
Maybe go on another adventure,
Or just return home

A royal chamber
With a king and queen
They looked like twins
I’m quite sure she hit on me
There were lots of slaves
They all had the same face

I need to be the king
Might as well
My father was a boss
I can do much better

The king’s daughter looks like a future queen
She may be my princess one day
But I don’t know,
I’m not ready to marry

I spend my days hunting monsters,
Stalking a bunch of different creatures
Then I’m fondled by a damsel
Who kisses the shit out of me

“Come to my home, Captain,” she says
“Will you save me for a night?”
I love those sweet nothings
Coming from such luscious lips
The girls around here are sweet
Delightfully stupid
Their bosoms are filled
With honey

I’m a straightforward guy
I don’t like talking too much
But I fell in love with that babe
After a kiss from her lips
She gave me such a grand time
Made me eggs for breakfast

We rode our mounts in a circle
As we wore the monsters down
With elemental spells
There’s lots of fighting
In this world where I live
So much shit to kill

A swordfighter joined our party
He got stabbed in the thigh
By a goblin of all things,
And fell down a bottomless hole
I couldn’t help him
Didn’t retain his name

I’m the only one with a positive attitude
I made Bimbo understand
It doesn’t work out for everyone
And, even if it did,
People die on such quests
That’s just life

A giant, flying crocodile
Went out of its way to attack us
We took it down with fireballs,
Or at least our fire mage did
That halfling handles anything
We weren’t afraid
I was envious
I want to fly away

Bimbo is suffering from depression,
Oliveiro keeps up his sexual dalliances,
Kutinaira keeps eyeing me like a god
Of peace and love
A friend of theirs invited us
To some old knight’s funeral
Bimbo was supposed to stay with me,
But they dragged me along

Some ladies from the funeral
Wanna become my groupies
Young and cute maids
We don’t have to share,
But I give my half-reptilian pal Thordall
One of the cutest
He’s good at fucking her
Even upside down
He uses his lips, teeth, and nails
He’s much better than me

Our water mage Kutinaira
Keeps fucking me with her eyes
“Knock it off, elf,” I tell her,
“You are like a thousand years old”
“And you are like a tiny little baby,”
That old pervert answers
Our fire mage Bimbo gets frustrated,
That brooding bastard
He’s a halfling, he doesn’t get any
We should have paid attention to his soul

We came across some dwarves
Who were prospecting for gold
All of us lost
We kept telling each other
We must be doing something wrong
Some trolls came out nowhere,
Then charged against the dwarves
It was our chance to fuck off

Lots of excitement in our lives,
Lots of balls being kicked
None of us are useless
I keep getting splashed with blood
Sometimes I pretend to be a beast
I shout and I roar and I fight

The princess is the light of my life
I am a master of my domain
I will rule the kingdom in the end
It will be the happiest day

A red-eyed, pissed off unicorn
That keeps foaming at the mouth
Wants to use its magic,
So I stab at its flank
Now it’s laying on the ground
In a puddle of blue blood
It pains me to kill
A beautiful soul

Orcs, orcs, and orcs
Some of them are carrying swords,
Some are throwing primitive bombs
They are drugged out of their skulls

This dungeon looks familiar,
Might have come down here before
We keep getting ambushed
By mechanized sentries
Built by a long-forgotten race
I miss the warmth of the sun
We finally find an old elevator
And save our lives

The princess was fondling a young teen,
Of those with breasts and a pussy
I stood there for too long
The princess put a spell on me,
Teleported me away
I wanted to watch
I thought that a princess was supposed
To be chaste and stuff

A cave full of giant toads
We don’t even need to fight
A magic spell cooks them all
“Sorry to do everything, you guys,”
Our fire mage says as he sits down
“Don’t you get bored?” Kutinaira asks
Bimbo shrugs
“From time to time”
“Well, if now is the time,”
Oliveiro says,
“Let’s go to the festival of spring”
“I do like the sound of that”

Stupid elf Kutinaira
Peeks at me
As I take a leak
“Really?” I ask her
“Are you really?”
She winks at me,
But I glare
“Perverted broad,
Just let me pee
In peace”

I keep thinking about my peasant girl
I miss the taste of her breasts
I got a hot hand
I masturbate
I imagine myself inside her
Her nether regions were so exquisite

We were staying out of trouble
As we lounged around in town
The princess’ bodyguards
Tried to shove me down a hole
I swear I won’t tell anybody
About your troublesome tastes

Our knight managed to cure
A sorcerer’s madness
With some sort of holy spell
The guy was grateful
He didn’t know how to fight,
But he could cast spells
One night he grabbed my dick
“Sorry, man,” I said,
“I ain’t gay”
He didn’t last long

I’m surrounded by guards
They catch and bind me
My friends come to my aid
Our fire wizard stabs one guy
Who screams in pain
When they release me,
I chop someone’s head off
I’ve forgotten about my home
I swear I’ll never make it
Out of this place

Our party wanders through the dark woods
We’re lost in the rain,
Which washes away the blood on my sword
I haven’t had sex in months

We come across a cabin
A black-haired druidess is standing there
“Come on in!” she says
There’s fire coming from the fireplace
The woman was boiling eggs
She looks like an old-school nerd

The druidess tells us
“I heard you’re on a quest
To find the Elshul”
“Sorry, woman,” I say,
“I have no clue what that is”
“You have no idea
About the Elshul, do you?”
I narrow my eyes
“What the hell did I just say?”
“If they ever come back,
I’m gonna kill them all!”
I shun her like a leper
The druidess gives me a herb
She says it’s for pleasure
She doesn’t need a potion
To provide an orgy

“You are very handsome, Captain
I am telling you as a truth
I want you to be my love”
I motion for my party
To leave through the door
“I’m afraid I’m taken, lady,” I say,
“And that’s a whole lot of warts
On your nose”

The wizards on our party
Are interested in our little problem
Two have fallen in love with me
One of them is a man
I’m in love with that peasant damsel
And also want a piece of our knight’s ass

The party returns
We find some whiskey
Our old elf Kutinaira,
Master of water magic,
Keeps fondling my dick
I go to the brothel

I went to hear some dwarven music
By my lonesome self
A really cool band
We bonded over some bard songs
They have a lot of potential,
If they get their shit together
The singer used to have a big-ass house
Until some goblins infested it

I’m love with a woman from this town
It isn’t a fairytale
“Hey, that is my wife!”
I can tell by the man’s anger
That the bastard ain’t lying
He’s willing to kill
A big soldier they call Captain,
Although my sword is dripping blood
I bow my head to him
“Sorry, man
Your wife’s tits
Are filled with honey”

Kutinaira performed a meteor-like phenomenon
Some lasers of fire came out of the sky
I saw streaks of a bright light
Somebody described this as ghosts
We need an alchemist in our party,
Or at least to stop eating random mushrooms
I totally forgot for a moment
That Kutinaira is just the wet kind of mage

We ended up in a hellhole
I don’t know what to do
I keep saying, “Fight”,
But nobody does
That’s a crapton of wyrms
There will be blood everywhere

My night vision gets wrecked by a certain princess
Her flying goons are pushing us down
Stop sending assassins after me,
I’ve never said a thing

Some baboon blew up a chunk of the walls
Stuff starts exploding as we all rush to the site
As if planned, a hundred goblins attack
We shoot them, slice them, a bunch get captured
I hate this kind of coordination
Among the stupid

Where the hell is that castle?
The map marks it around here
It’s been two days since we ate
The monsters in these parts
Are likely to kill us all
Our four mages are in pain,
I feel like puking
Our wizard Bimbo looks like shit
All my sex dreams
Might soon be over
The knight urges us to camp
And take care of our sick friend

I got separated through
Some cobwebby catacomb
This perverted dwarf
Popped my cock out
In front of the other dwarfs
The little woman fucked me
With an urgency,
With an intensity
I got real hard
I didn’t mind
I bet she hadn’t had any
In a while

As we searched a town
To heal our elf’s unicorn
That kept dripping blue blood,
We bumped into some noblewoman
Who was playing a violin
And singing a song about her pussy
It gave my dick
Some naughty satisfaction

A dragon is gobbling up a young maiden
That ugly bugger
Crashed into the restaurant
Where we were eating

Once we returned to the palace,
I happened to catch a glimpse
Of the princess lazing around
In a goddamn bikini
I really need to fuck
That murderous cunt

Kutinaira went on and on
About me being really hot
What a pain in the ass
I’m still in love
With that peasant girl
“You’re a disgrace,” she says
“What happened to your dick?”
I shoot her a look
“I assure you it works,
You ancient elf”
“Then pull it out,
I’ll gladly suck it out”

Our cleric Thordall doesn’t like me,
But loves being a priest
He saw some ghosts in a haunted church
He said, “No, no, that’s not right”
The rest of us sat around
While Thordall exorcised some souls

We are fighting orcs
I imagine the princess riding
On a rainbow unicorn
“Can you fuck me now?”
She asks me alluringly,
As if I were a teen girl
“I’ll cut your bastard head off!”
The orc yells something fierce
As he charges at me
I thrust my sword through his dick
Don’t go around interrupting
A man’s daydreams

The only time I’m ever happy
Is when I’m fighting enemies

When days later we returned to town,
Some peasant houses had burned down
A bunch of people tried to blame us
Many were drunk
I don’t like when people complain
The locals said it was obvious
That castle was enchanted,
We shouldn’t have looted it
Because of some magic shit
Must’ve been the reason, they said,
For all the fire elementals
The peasants went home to get drunker
A pissed off quartermaster
Wanted to drag us to their base,
Kept threatening us,
Until he understood
We pick our teeth
With bone splinters
Carefully collected
From dismembered wyrms

I’m leaning against the wall,
Looking through some mail
It’s full of lewd letters,
All sex-related
I didn’t get any photos
Of the princess in a bikini

I want to get a room with our knight
The next town is close
I’ll slink off somewhere quiet to jerk off,
Then we’ll eat a meal and go home

I meet a foreign princess
She looked like a hag,
But wore a cozy, velvety gown
She told me the girls
Of their fantasy realm
Have incredible orgasms
That night she grabbed me,
Convinced me to spend the night
Turns out she wasn’t a princess
At all

This dungeon is unbearable
I have to stop thinking
About women or my cock
I’m losing my shit
I can’t keep my mind off sex
Even if I try

We got chased by a goblin horde
We found a shitload of gold
The place is full
Of unique treasures,
But we got attacked by a spider
It was too big
And venomous
Had to leave it all behind

I heard the priestess
Who runs this brothel
Tell my friends that
My mind has a low libido
What the fuck does that mean?
My cock still works
I’m saddened by this world
I want to go home

I feel bad about the princess
Despite her murderous aims
I want to stop her from hunting me,
But as we are resting in town,
I catch the princess seducing our knight
She left my female friend naked and asleep
I also wanted a piece of that
I wish I didn’t have a dick

What’s wrong with this kingdom
Everyone is gay
No peace and quiet,
Just loads of fighters and wizards
So many fucking horses
I hate unicorns

There’s a group of adventurers
Talking shit about me
“He’s some kind of freak
With a sword and a shield”
“Calls himself the Captain”
“His face looks like a huge dick”
Do they see the stuff I use?
They are all going to die
I’ll take all of them,
Pile their corpses into the bushes
I can’t be arsed anymore
I don’t give a fuck

In this fantasy world,
Nobody is what they seem
I’m still some sort of hero,
But I feel like a prick

The kings are all the same
The lords are pompous
They all dress up like little kids,
Monsters in disguise
Their stupid servants look like animals,
A bunch of shitty turtles
Their faces don’t match their voice
They try to mimic nobility

My life is worth more
Than the crown I don’t wear,
Than my castle, my throne,
My riches, my bitches,
More than the aunts and uncles,
And all shit I don’t have

Those damn demons are rampaging
Through the scenic countryside
They shouldn’t be sleeping with
Nor killing peasants
Why, why did I have to come
On this crazy adventure?

We are scouting about
It’s getting way too dark
We hear a crackling sound
After a flash of light, we just know
Some demons are rushing to attack us
They are resistant to Bimbo’s fire
Kutinaira keeps shooting them with water
Some of the demons are imps,
They spit fireballs through their tiny mouths
Thordall’s robe catches on fire

Some demons are dead,
Others are running around
I kill a few with my steel
Podema has her holy words

This sexy demoness
Pulled my dick out
I bet it smelled like shit,
Haven’t showered in a week
Her nails scratched my skin
I screamed,
But for once I welcomed
The pain

Kutinaira and I are chasing down this demon,
But her unicorn just got knocked out
Some wind magic keeps the demon at bay
Now all it takes is to cut him down

A demon with a monstrous dick
Is preparing some heinous spell,
But our proficient knight
Swings her magic sword
I want some sexy demoness
To ride my cock

Oh boy, a giant demon
Almost chomped my head off
We were attacked by fucking demons
The sweetest part of our day

How long am I going to be stuck here
This is a crapload of monsters
Our four wizards are reliable
I’m one of the heroes
We keep ourselves entertained,
But there’s too much evil

Our fire mage Bimbo pulled me aside
He had caught me lusting after demons
While everybody else fought
“You need to snap out of it
You are becoming a piece of meat,
Some lonely pervert”
I’m not in the business
Of denying truths,
But I need some release
For this pain

I still get turned on
In the middle of fights,
Even when my cock
Keeps getting scratched

I only have a few extra gold,
But I buy Bimbo a special pizza
“I’m in love,” Bimbo tells me
“We are so much alike, you and I”
I almost choke
“Don’t tell me you have also
Caught the gay”
Bimbo chuckles,
A rare sight
In his miserable face
“No, that was a joke,” he says
“In truth, in never forgot
That woman with the golden voice”
I don’t know who he means
We’ve spent so much time
Wandering through dreams

I’m covered in blood
I grab a half-empty pot of ale
From the outside tables of a tavern
I plop down on the closest chair
I gulp down the ale
My wounds might get infected,
But there’s no pain,
And Thordall will pop up soon anyway

That dragon was a big fighter,
But we managed to take it out
I cut off one of its wings
And Bimbo’s fireballs took its head
I wish I could fly the dragon’s body
Up into the sky

The king’s trapped in his palace
As one of the princess’ slaves
She locked him up in her dungeon
They say he can’t escape
I don’t want anything to do
With that horny bitch

I tried to call my parents,
But these people don’t have phones
Our knight is having sex
With another female knight
After so many battles,
I’ll be a little whore
It’s all the same
I want a bunch of other folks
Who need what I need
I’m pretty good at parties,
But now a bunch of sex workers
Keep shouting at me
I don’t know what’s the matter
I can pay

I am at this kingdom
Because I can’t do it on my own
The king got enslaved,
These women keep messing with my cock
When I return to our room at the inn,
That one wizard called Khoru
Is balls deep in Oliveiro
Who’s on his hands and knees

I still feel bad
About that peasant girl,
And my lesbian knight,
And the sexy princess
In her pink bikini,
But it turns out
We haven’t run out of dope

The other day, while passing through the fields,
I noticed a woodcutter taking a break
His delicate young wife was sitting on a log
The three of us chatted for a while
They were ogling at me like hungry wolves,
Then talked about trading clothes,
Or just taking them off
They led me up a hill
And into a simple hut
The young wife pulled up her smock
Her skin was daisy white
She went on about her love for kinky shit
And what could be more kinky
Than to fuck a man’s tight-shut asshole
With her two hands and fingers
While he takes care of his own cock
My vision hadn’t cleared up,
But the woodcutter waited for his turn
I ended up filling the wife with my cum
The three of us drank mead on the floor

This older knight
Who’s half-crippled
Tries to seduce me
“I’ll call you son and adopt you,”
He says as he licks his lips
His name is Sivert
He’s very tall,
Thin and strong
He has big tits,
But I am not turned on by this

Khoru, our alchemist friend,
Is wearing a little brassiere
He pulls a little bit of skin from Oliveiro’s neck
For some perverted end

We’re at the whorehouse
I went for a half-wolf wench
Who stinks of shit
She thinks she’s special
Despite the thorough cock probing,
She’s just like the rest

Everyone’s having fun
Spilling loads of cum
I am a horned frog with a hundred legs
I’m a succubus without the boobs
It’s not that I don’t believe in love,
But this is better than despair

Our half-reptilian Thordall got sick of all the sex
The motherfucker turned his back and left

Regarding the elf Kutinaira,
I gave my cock to her
I wanted to self-destruct
What a lousy excuse
She kept kissing me ravenously
With her burning-hot lips
Her love was like a ghost,
Horny for millennia

Now I find that queenly elf
So hot that she burns
Her water magic keeps
This city safe from pains
She is wearing a robe
That I covered in saliva

After so many wars,
She’s gets to wipe my aching cock
I keep petting her hair
As she licks my sore head
I’m very pleased
With this ancient elf

Life is better
With another person
Kutinaira and I make love
It’s not a meaningless routine
Or an empty habit
I keep learning about this

I bothered to ask about Thordall
To some itinerant freelancers
Our old cleric,
All serious and stern,
Who nicknamed me ‘Reprobate’,
Returned home to a dead son
His daughter killed those goblins
In days they came back tenfold
They were about to rape her,
As goblins love to do,
When Thordall stopped them
The goblins murdered him
They gouged out his eyes
His daughter is safe
I’ll keep these news
To myself

There’s been an attack
On my favorite whorehouse,
By some marauding raiders
All the whores were raped,
Some were tortured to death,
Some were shot,
Some were disemboweled,
Some were beaten up and left bleeding
I can only think about what I saw
I came in rushing
Through that half-open door
I make bad jokes
About those kind girls
And their loving skin
And the violence
So I can sleep

The king died trying to escape
Our party was ambushed
By a bunch of guards
Sworn to the princess
They shot at our fire wizard,
Pierced through his brain
The princess is yelling at me
I can’t make out the words
You are way too far,
You horny bitch

Should we bother to resist?
My friend Bimbo got killed
With his back turned
How can we stay alive?
The princess is vicious
And a fucking pervert

She’ll turn me into one of her slaves
I’m sure her ladyship couldn’t wait
Until I rotted in some dungeon
So she could visit me at night
And shove white-hot lead balls
Up my ass

This evil cunt
Wouldn’t listen to me,
So I kept running away from her
We tried to hide in other towns
Why would I live in this fucked up world
I need to go home

My blood is boiling,
But I can’t act
I have to snap out of this
Guess I’ll just stand here
And wait for someone
To cut my fucking head off

Our elf Kutinaira shot some water bullets
Until a sneaky guard beheaded her
Oliveiro just stood there with impotent hands,
Without casting his wind magic
I want to plunge my sword through him,
And not because he’s gay

I recall that the alchemist pitched acid bombs
I still hear the princess casting spells
I can see the faces of her bodyguards
Frozen in fear
As I pounced on the bastards
And lopped off their heads

The princess hides in her castle,
Beyond a huge heap of dead guards
An army of adventurers,
Familiar faces and names,
Along with their unicorns
Bursts through the doors
She finds herself surrounded
Her smile drops
That horny idiot
She only wanted to rule
And fuck teens
But what do I know about love?
I left all my heart
With that peasant girl

Khoru is dying on the floor
Someone impaled him through the chest
For a moment I press the edge of my blade
Against my neck

Now a soldier is in charge
He can’t even cast spells
I demanded to be the king,
But they sold me into slavery

I recognize this one general
We saved one of his cousins
At least someone is grateful
My life as a slave is over
Now I’m gonna have to go
On other adventures

Our knight was initiated into some order
Didn’t say goodbye
Oliveiro killed himself,
So I got a new crew
I don’t want to learn your names
Until we have fought some monsters,
And gone into each other’s vaginas,
And sucked each other’s dicks
I’m sick of this dull ache
In my heart

I wanted to leave this all behind
Not forever, just until I could
Face the nightmares again
I needed to see my parents
They must miss the shit out of me
If I told them about this world,
They’d go nuts and scream
“Doesn’t that sound like a dangerous place?
Way more dangerous than Earth!”
I have no business in this world,
But it has unicorns,
And demon lords,
And perverted princesses,
And peasant girls
There are monsters still out there
To kill

‘A Visit From Truck-kun’ by Jon Ureña

A Digital Empire (GPT fueled poetry)

On Sunday afternoons
I fire up a grand strategy game
And I believe myself to be
Some long-forgotten king
That spawned a murderous dynasty
With a troubling amount of incest

Who am I kidding
It wasn’t just Sundays
I’ve spent entire months slaying
Purple dragons

I can’t sleep because insomnia
So I sit in my boxers
Load up some game
And entangle my brain
When I hear the morning birds
I keep playing for more hours

I know it’s a shameless question
But do you live vicariously through games?
I asked myself
For some fucking reason
I spent days cruising for prostitutes
In a previous ‘GTA’
But I didn’t run them over afterwards
That money was already filthy
As it waited in a bank vault
I just took photos of their pixelated asses
While I touched myself

There’s no new ‘Grand Theft Auto’
They keep milking that 2013 one
For stupid teens
The term AAA these days
Is synonym with shit
I recall waiting for the next big game
To call me again
Nobody else could save the world
From the impending Apocalypse

I wasn’t into the Western one
I don’t want to stare for hours
At a horse’s ass

I want to kill hundreds of virtual humans
Because I can’t get away with murder
In real life

I will claim the Spanish throne
With the Ureña line
I’ll squash the rival claimants
And torture their mothers
I don’t care if you are my uncle
Or an estranged brother
I’m the ruthless fuck
Who conquered North Africa

I made my granddaughter
The Hellenistic queen of Andalusia
She was two years old
My mother smothered her in her sleep

I was badly wounded
In a jousting accident
My dick got gangrene
The doctor rubbed on me
A poultice made of shit

I wanted to be like King Leonidas
The father of Sparta
Especially those abs
But I went and died
With no clear successor
It’s Alexander all over again
Cleopatra’s lineage went back
To Ptolemy and Macedonia
She wasn’t black
You fucking commies

I wanted to own those new lands
So we built a bunch of colonies
Brought over loads of slaves
We would always be outnumbered
All those resources are being used
To boost the whole economy
Nothing can go wrong

The glimmer of infinite possibilities
I am a cruel god
I have drowned my universe
With boredom

I wish there were more Paradox games
Make one about current politics
I’d like to see how a bunch of soft Swedes
Turn self-castration into game mechanics

That bitch cheated on me
And left with the guy
I didn’t want to go outside
Nor change my underwear
I spent six months of real time
Playing ‘Football Manager’
Andreas Höhn was my captain
I don’t even like football

For the next year and a half
I waited for you to call
So I could hear you talk
About some other dick
You left him for a new guy
You left him for a new guy
You left him for a new guy
Until you got too old
I liked your tits
Your face was a rotten mess
Even strangers told me
Went out of their way
“Are you seriously with that girl?”
Fucking prosopagnosia
I thought it didn’t matter
But you betrayed me anyway

I have learned from my mistakes
Made some others bigger

I set up one of my guitar mics
To play board games with pandemic folks
When they run the games I like
I can’t be there
I wasn’t a fan of ‘Eldritch Horror’
You rush from place to place
To venture into holes
But no dick is involved
I thought I remembered the rules
I rage quit

I dive into Steam
In search of new distractions
Many are half-finished
On Early Access
I haven’t completed most of my games
Some I haven’t started
An addiction requires newness
I’ll sell my soul for more sick joys

When a major update gets released
I don’t touch it for weeks
Because the mods haven’t updated
Hurry up, guys
I’m in despair

Everybody has a wish list
Except me
The only thing I ever wanted
Was being forgotten

I have watched entire games on YouTube
I didn’t want to bother playing them
I never touched ‘The Last of Us’
I’m still mad about Joel

Your ideas are a cancer
You’re only making fans
Lose respect for you
And with good reason

I never forgave the ‘Spore’ debacle
When they fucked Will Wright’s ass
Those execs don’t play video games
They destroyed evolution
With emoticons and sneakers
Goddamn democracy

To take a break
I put on my VR headset
And sit in a virtual truck
I make deliveries throughout Europe
While I listen to talk radio
The foam cushioning gets moist
With my tears

One day I had a certain vision
In a virtual reality game
With extremely shitty graphics
I rushed into the enemy’s camp
But there were no guards
Just a band of killer unicorns

Hey, you
You’re finally awake
My ancestors were smiling at me
As I put together three hundred mods
Merged half of them
Now I can swing my sword
And shoot fireballs
With my VR hands
But I’ll end up drawing arrows
As I crouch in the dark
I have finally met my first wolf
The game crashed

I sat on the virtual couch
Of some German guy
Strangers kept coming by
One of them told us all about
The power of modern textures
On polygonal tits
I never came back
I should have thanked him
But I was too busy
Pulling on my dick

We did see all those tranny videos
On the German guy’s desktop
You didn’t close the window
Quick enough
But it’s alright
We all enjoy a dick
From time to time

I wish I never had to work
I’d just live in a video game

I have never had
The grandeur of an adventure
And I have been living on borrowed time
I read some article about nukes
About how they could end the Earth
I was like, “Yeah, right!”
I had to make it true
Found a lot of nukes for sale
My finger is hovering over the button

I started out with Guybrush Threepwood
It didn’t get better than that
I still dream of the Caribbean
Never found that Big Whoop

I didn’t know who Hitler was
But I shot a horde of his minions
While some shitty robot voice
Told me about my health

I built movies
In ‘Stunt Island’
I remember you guys
And the stuff you made

I spent my childhood
And my tween years
Wanting to be like Leonardo da Vinci
But I’m still a total asshole
I couldn’t draw the human figure
Those characters were stolen anyway
At least I also stole corpses

I wanted to make my own version
Of Tarn’s ‘Dwarf Fortress’
The Holy Grail
You could run 3D A* reliably
If your codebase wasn’t a mess
He’s a mathematician
Didn’t know shit about software architecture
He keeps adding weird stuff
Can’t even fix some bugs
I programmed my game for a while
Python is crap
Rust is cool
But I’m a lonely man
Went back to masturbating

I made a horror game
You play as an office worker
Living in your desk
Deformed clients come to demand
That you reset their passwords

I looked at the clock and realized
I wasted my entire life
But it was worthless anyway
I never cared for it to last
And I’m playing it through
With a broken controller
An old graphics card
And an unsupported processor
The text is in Polish

I’m just a kid inside
Never been anything else
Never will
I lose myself in daydreams
About princesses and knights
And mass murder
I’m as happy as a happy thing
I want to keep playing
For a while

‘A Digital Empire’ by Jon Ureña

Vagina Wonderland (GPT fueled poetry)

An actress that beautiful
Would never stare at me from up close
Even those in the porno industry
Unless they wanted to yell at me
Because I fucked something up
Or forgot to pay

In this dreary shithole we call life
I only got the ones I could get
And I was too scared to follow up
With the ones I wanted
(And who wanted me back
Because they were unhinged)
I could hear the clock ticking
Until they realized I was garbage
So now I just fuck the inside of my head
Instead

Why did I ever bother negotiating
Some lonely, humiliating sex
With those flesh and bone robots
That we are cursed to command?
Why the fuck did I ever try that
Instead of lusting in a dream
For women who know me well
And hold me with such love?

We wear decaying frames
That will rot in the ground
After some terminal disease
Don’t stick your dick
Or your tongue
In that gross shit

People touching me makes me feel
Like I’m getting raped
So keep those filthy, greasy hands
To yourself

I fuck the future, I fuck the past
Everytime I come online
I search for stunning VR girls
Who will fuck my brain in ways
That words can’t describe
I can just push a button
And let a stream of vagina
Wash over me in a wonderland

VR porn will lay siege to your brain
So you will no longer seek out physical sex
Your virtual sex will be
Better than the real thing

Fuck my brain, fuck the clock
Why does it need to think
About death and money and bills
When I can just rape my screen?

Now I just do my own
Lonely one-night stands
On my OLED display
Where I can fire up my precious porn
About nude-colored step-daughters
And naughtier step-mothers
Or lustful, chattering aunties

So many options for my pleasure
With those soft, sweat-covered foreheads
That smell like babies
They don’t like to be kissed, but that’s alright
Their massive breasts sag with empty milk sacks
That are in no way filled with any kind of milk
They are just a collection of gelatinous proteins
That aren’t even connected to their nipples
What they call nipples just get in the way
Like beads on a string
When I wire the nipples back
They don’t vibrate at all
They just start jiggling randomly
Like two alien antennae

I’m fucking an infinite number
Of virtual breasts

She’s naked and her tits are perky
My lips want to taste that pussy
My cunt wants to engulf her pussy
Wet, juicy cunt
I eat her pussy
I lick her pussy
I stick my tongue inside her pussy
I love pussy so much
That I’ll fuck this pussy
Until it squirts its cum
That I’ll lick up with my tongue
And put it inside my mouth
My cunt is tingling
All over my body
My cunt wants to have her pussy
Inside my cunt

It feels like I’m fucking the women
I watch for hours on end
And if they yell at me
To go fuck myself
(Because they know I’m garbage)
I can fire up my virtual womb
And hide in there

I can only be around those VR pornstars
I don’t get to touch any real woman
If I did, I’d be the monster
Someone would stop me

When I masturbate to VR,
I feel like a wolf chasing deer
To kill them, and share their meat
To warm my belly at night
My brain wants to die
And die, and die
It wants to put its mouth on a vagina
That it knows doesn’t exist
My cock gets sore
From using the hand masher
While behind the lenses
Someone else is inside her

Now I feel like a dirt-stained loser
(Because virtual reality porn
Has hijacked my brain)
But my cock is harder than ever
I keep reaching for the streams of
Tasteful VR vagina
That wash over me in wonderland

My cock is connected to the inside of my head
My cock is connected to the inside of my head
My cock is connected to the inside of my head

Imagine a world in which
Every day is your birthday,
And you get to blow out the candles
On your birthday cake,
Except that the cake is an ass
Inches away from your face

How many more polygons
Can I squeeze into my brain
Until it realizes the deceit?
The brain knows that it’s hallucinating
But believes it’s gone to a California mansion
Where you hear some staff members
Chilling in the pool

VR has hijacked evolution
Even worse than condoms could
Those aren’t real pussies, stupid brain
That woman would never want you

Most doll girls I used to see in VR
Didn’t have any animations at all
They just stood there
Without emotions nor faces
They looked like they were wearing wigs
Those tiny, faceless VR girls
Never paid attention to me
They loved me as much
As my asshole loves me
Or my crotch, or anyone’s butt

But now I can mix and match
Change the apartment for a car,
Turn the doll from bald to a redhead,
Add a glint of life in those facial balls,
Make her tits much smaller
I don’t know what’s with some models
And those humongous breasts
You can’t even see her face
(I imagine cloggy black milk
Dripping from the tumorous flesh)

You can fuck the ghost of a dead girlfriend
Or the ghost of a girlfriend
Who’s more loyal to you

I’ve seen many dead people
As I’ve been poking around in cemeteries
They are nothing but tangled remains
Skeletal frame with eyeballs dangling
No feeling, no blood
Just corrupted DNA

I love to pretend
That I’m fucked in bed
By a Frankenstein goddess
I’ll start a cult
Where everyone will go
To worship this monster
I created

I now live in the false reality
That has stolen my sperm
And I think that the world is perfect
But my brain is obsessed
Thinking about how it would look
If my tits were smaller
If I was blind
If I was her
If she was him
If we had the same disease

I can load up famous actresses
Of the Hollywood kind,
And even from up close,
They look the part
I’m sure they would despise getting dressed up
For a pleasant Sunday afternoon
Only to end up engaging
In some sofa fun
Ask my dick if it cares about the morality
Of this brave new world
Morality was invented by brains
That now believe they are balls deep
In 90s Monica Bellucci
So I’ll probably fuck this actress
Or that actress
I haven’t liked any of your movies
But I’ll enjoy this one anyway

Even our female hosts
Are not up for rough sex
They don’t want a ripped-up body
They don’t want any blood
So I feel like a filthy bastard
When I order some french toast
For their master

I used to have conversations with my brain
That always ended with us fistfighting
Now it’s a selfish prick
That only wants to fuck
The brains around it

That’s it, the brain is now free
From the shackles of morality
It can now engage other brains
With just one desire:
To fuck everyone and everything
Like animals of every species

Throw your vibrators in a fish tank
A transparent box full of water
That one day will leak into the ocean
Where there are anime versions
Of giant floating balls
They call them whales
They are also fishes, probably
Other whales still fuck them

Have a drink of water
Pretend it’s a balloon
And watch it fill with tiny sperm
Of a Japanese man

It’s good that we have virtual reality
A better version of life
I can make a model of myself
And fuck him in the ass
Or have a virtual boyfriend
Programmed to appreciate my tits
Shove his dick inside me
Now I feel like a queen

I can’t count
All the cum in my pussy
Left over from these virtual pornstars
It sprays out of me
Like from a hose
A lifetime of cum in a minute

I’m recording and mixing beats
Making my first solo album
All about fucking my brains
It’ll be my magnum opus

I’m going to fuck the inside of my head
Until my brain swells and bursts
And this room explodes
That’s the last thing my brain hears
A catastrophe, a complete collapse
My cock falling off
A furious woman
Being dismembered

The world will end
Not with a bang
Not with a whimper
But with millions of sweaty men
Lifting their VR headsets
And shuffling awkwardly
With their pants around their ankles
To reach the tissues
Or any dirty sock at hand
To deposit the poo that
Always seems to come
At the wrong time

‘Vagina Wonderland’ by Jon Ureña

Make Me Rich (GPT fueled poetry)

Five days a week
And sometimes six
I get dragged out of sleep
If my chronic insomnia
Gave me a break
Then I gulp down my coffee
Because I’m also an addict
But just of coffee
And porn
Of the VR variety

I’m always angry, it’s like
Someone kept slapping me
As I slept
If I managed to sleep at all
Because of fucking insomnia

As I trek my way to the office
With my legs, a train and a bus
I can feel the face of this world
As it presses against my shoes

It’s not so much the trip
Nor the waste of time,
Of so many fucking hours
Doing meaningless shit
It’s that I can’t stand
Fucking apes

I wish they were rocks
I’m unable to stare straight ahead
At the unthinking screen
I don’t know what to say
And I couldn’t care less
When you open your mouths
The TV speaks

This body feels
Like a bag of cement
I spend eight hours
Holding my farts
And if I’m lucky
I’ll get to sleep that night
Before the alarm rings

I must have been nineteen
After a month of my first job
Dealing with an Italian
Addicted to cocaine
And also some truck stuff
I quit
I walked to the edge of a cliff
I should have stepped off

I loved to write
But other writers make me sick
I don’t want to attend
Writing themed gatherings
Meeting you was a mistake
I don’t know why you write
I don’t understand

When you present a book
You bring your entire families
And lots of friends
Because nobody would have cared
Otherwise

I wish you were all dead
To be honest
And maybe your stuff
Would stand by itself

Also I self-published two books
And they didn’t sell shit
The money would barely cover
The trip to the office and back
But if I read them again
I would probably hate them
So whatever

I play the guitar
In the woods
That feels good at least
I don’t know music theory
I don’t want to talk to you either
Just because you also play the guitar
Don’t you see I sat here to play
Leave me alone

I do feel despair
It’s my consolation
The only thing
That’s truly mine
So I work
And drink coffee
And masturbate

In a nearby park
I watch this world
And I have to laugh
I have to laugh
In this sick world
I’ve got to laugh

And if I could
I would live
Just on my own
I wouldn’t see another face
For months
But that sounds
Like a whole lot of work

I don’t care if billions of you struggle
And somehow you don’t suffocate
I want to be rich
So I can walk around in a mansion
While I swing my dick

Whoever is reading
This fucking shit
You should have descended
From elephants
Or dolphins
Or octopi
Look at fucking primates
No wonder we do nothing else
Than sling shit around
And tear each other’s faces off
It was never going to work
And one day
The bombs will go off

Step on landmines
You fucking apes

‘Make Me Rich’ by Jon Ureña

A Stupid Moth (GPT fueled poetry)

She made a noose out of a sheet
And hung herself in her room
As I walked in she was staring at her toes,
Fingers held tight in a vain attempt
To hold the world at bay

She used to whisper sweet things to me
Now she’s laughing
To hear the echoes of her words
All around my head

A razor blade cut open her wrist
Her blood woke me up from a dream
So I took a piece of my soul
And staunched the flow

She collected all the pills she could find
To numb the pain and cease to think
She prepared herself a hot bath
To die in the night

The muzzle tasted metallic
As it dug into the roof of her mouth
Once she plunged the trigger
She felt her brain bursting apart

She took deep breaths of the fumes
As she lounged in her idling car
With the two-way radio off
She listened to the lonesome sounds

Once the train drew close
She drove her head down
Then just stood on the line
As the train pulled her off

She walked beyond the edge of a cliff
To spin in circles in the sun
And the world looked pretty and it all made sense
As her brain smashed against the rocks

I love the broken girls
I am drawn towards them like a moth
I keep bouncing on their skin
And see myself in their arms

‘A Stupid Moth’ by Jon Ureña

If Only My Penis Were a Racket (Poetry)

Gunpertina Vesperidova,
Andriya Shapaleva,
Vitorina Kumarenka,
Simina Kvitova.

I admired their diligence
And how hard they trained.
Success is ninety nine percent mental,
The other one percent physical.

So many things I can’t understand fully,
And here we have this sport
Where beautiful women spend hours
Playing with sticks and balls.

Their hair fluttered behind them like wings.
Those legs seemed made of silk.
That way the players moved
Was mesmerizing.

Tennis is a great metaphor for life.
The tight outfits hugging fit bodies,
And the bouncing, firm tits,
They just added to it all.

Their backhand topspin,
A perfect shot
Right into my groin.
My dick became numb,
Making me faint.

I tried to follow other sports,
But I found them boring,
Or not that sexy.
They didn’t give me
That little bit of feeling.

As the players reached to their bosoms,
They talked of the time spent with friends,
And what they dreamed of:
Honeymoons at the beach,
Kissing their lovers,
Watching the sunrise,
Fucking on a balcony.

I found the spirit of the game very erotic,
Especially when the slavic girls
Uttered such moans.
They said that after a perfect game,
They wanted to make love.

Sweat dripped down their naked backs.
I needed to lick it up,
And suckle on those smooth shoulders
To drink from the source of their bliss.

The way they played,
The tips of their fingers
Would get very hot.
I hoped to be beaten off
By some female tennis players.

I tell myself all sorts of stories
About the nonsense I grow attached to,
But I was obsessed with tennis for months
Because those slavic girls made me twitchy.

If I didn’t have the brain of a minotaur,
I would be a single dad.
I would be building my home on the moon.
I would live on my farm with my beloved wife.

Oh well.
No one could love me
The way I am.

‘If Only My Penis Were a Racket’ by Jon Ureña

A Magician and Her Assistant (Poetry)

The bridge pins of her harp
Glimmered in the stage lights
While she fingered the strings
And breathed in the sound.

There was darkness in the room
And wet dog breath in the air.
Joanna Newsom’s holy words
Were already on their way.

She sang of a love
That was older than time,
In an ancient language
That only she understood.

I felt it through the hollow ground
As it crawled up to the surface.
Through my arms, my collarbone.
Through my wrists, my thighs.
To the bones of my back.

But my black heart could see
That her words fell short of her heart,
As they always did.

I kept getting fired or discarded.
I couldn’t love anyone that lived.
Every night I went to sleep
Hoping I wouldn’t wake up again.

I stood on the phantom bridge
Right where the herringbone turned,
Where my heart began to race,
The way it did all those magical times.

As Joanna held me close,
She asked if she was too heavy.
I gave her a wink, all smiley like.
We knew that wouldn’t be a worry,
Because she knew I had her back,
And also because she’s small.

A place to call home.
Someone who holds me up when I fall.

“The world is broken,”
She whispered into my ear,
“And you can’t fix it.”

Joanna’s voice was so soft,
It made me shiver.
I tried to fight her off,
But she was too strong.
I gave in, and she took me.
I felt like I was burning alive.
I felt like I was being reborn.

Joanna’s phantom walked beside me
Every day, from morning to night.
It made me happy and sad.
It made me scared and mad.

I wonder if she remembers how it felt,
A million miles away from now.
What she was like back then,
Who she knew,
What dreams she had.
To wake up again as the little girl
That the adults pretended she was.

The world is collapsing
Before my eyes.
Joanna’s mind was full
Of swirls and rainbow cars
As she sang songs
That only she could hear.

“I will take you away,”
Joanna said.
“We’ll go far, far away.”
And we did.

I wonder if she understands
That we were born into a circus;
A magician and her assistant
Whose job is to amuse.

We’re the clowns and they are the master,
The one that knows what’s real.
We’re the acrobats and they are the rope,
The one that ties us up.
We’re the lions and they are the cage,
The one that keeps us in.

We have to keep the show going
For the rest of our lives.

I wonder if she’s dreaming
Of all the people she’s met,
Of a place that feels like home,
And if that place is made of stars.

Would the magic stop working?
Would the illusion disappear?
Would the music fade away?
And what if the magician left,
Or got sick, or lost her voice,
And never performed again?

She can’t know how I’ve changed,
Became more like myself.
Thoughts I hold deep down in my heart,
They keep me in hell.

I am the man
Who stands alone
In a field of wildflowers,
Watching them die.

The words that move
Like stone and flame,
They carry me away
Into a broken place.

‘A Magician and Her Assistant’ by Jon Ureña