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Mantella is an AI system that turns every single NPC in Skyrim (and Fallout 4) into AI agents driven by an LLM (like ChatGPT or the recently released, and comparable, Llama 3.1). In the previous part, my character, an Altmer mage, led his band of adventurers to fulfill a contract near Whiterun: clear out a den of monsters. That den turned out to consist solely of a saber cat, that promptly died. As the band headed back through a downpour, they decided to take shelter in a hideout. It belonged to a bunch of bandits. During a scuffle in a narrow corridor, Ange the Song-Bearer died. The remaining warriors buried her in the cold dirt of the cave.

As I trudged through the downpour toward Whiterun, I finally opened my mouth to seek advice.

Jon: “Uthgerd, Ria, I want to have a serious conversation with you two experienced warriors, if you don’t mind.”
Uthgerd: “Well, I suppose I can spare a moment. But make it quick, I’m starving, and want to reach the Mare as soon as possible.”
Ria: “You look like you’ve got something weighing heavily on your mind.”
Jon: “Well, my question is simple, simple, simple… How does a person get over the death of a teammate?”
Uthgerd: “Ha! You think that’s a simple question? Losing someone, anyone, is never simple.”
Ria: “Yeah, it’s not easy. I’ve seen friends fall in battle, and it’s… it’s a pain that stays with you. But I guess we all find ways to cope. For me, it’s about honoring their memory, making sure they didn’t die for nothing.”
Jon: “I keep feeling like I’m in a bad dream, that I’m suddenly going to wake up and Ange is going to be there, singing one of her lively songs with her beautiful voice and that smile that made everything less somber. You know what I mean?”
Uthgerd: “Aye, I do. It’s like the weight of reality hasn’t quite sunk in yet. But it will, Jon. It will. And when it does, it’s going to hurt. But you can’t let it consume you. Ange may be gone, but we’re still here, and we need to keep moving forward.”

Once we entered the safety of Whiterun’s walls, the main street opened up before us.

Ria: “I remember her smile, too. It could light up a room, couldn’t it? And her songs… she had this way of making you feel like everything was going to be okay.”
Jon: “Yeah, and now she’s gone. She’s a corpse that has started to rot, buried in the cold ground of a cave.”
Uthgerd: “That’s the harsh truth of it, Jon. War, battle, it’s not all glory and honor. It’s death, and decay, and loss. But we can’t let it break us. We have to keep pushing forward, for ourselves, for Ange’s memory, and for the people who are still counting on us.”
Ria: “I know it’s hard to think about, but… we did give her a proper burial, Jon.”

Inside what would have otherwise been the cozy atmosphere of the Bannered Mare, I turned toward my companions and placed my hands on their shoulders.

Jon: “Well, thank you, the two of you, Uthgerd and Ria, for fighting alongside me.”
Uthgerd: “Ah, save the sentiment for later, Jon. We’re not done yet. We’ve still got work to do, and I’m not just talking about collecting that reward from Proventus.”
Ria: “Yeah, besides, we’re a team, right? We look out for each other. That’s what comrades do.”

Once Uthgerd and Ria went away to focus on their own stuff, I desperately needed to get drunk. I sat at the bar right beside the old man who may as well have become glued to his stool, and signaled the innkeeper, Hulda, for a drink.

Jon: “Hulda, by the Eight Divines, serve me the strongest alcohol you have.”
Hulda: “Alright, I’ve got just the thing for you. It’s a Black-Briar Mead, not for the faint of heart. It’ll put hair on your chest, or in your case, maybe just make you think you’ve got some.”

I downed half of the mug at once.

Jon: “Do you want to know why I must drink, Hulda? Is that information you’re willing to know, or that I could share freely with you?”
Hulda: “You’re a bold one. As for why you’re drinking, I’m not one to pry, but I’ve got ears that’ll listen. If you want to share, I’ll pour myself a cup and join you.”
Jon: “Hulda, me and my teammates from this adventurer’s band that we started, we went to clear out a den of monsters. It turned out to be a single saber cat. As we were returning home, we came across a bandit hideout. We fought our way to its depths. There was a scuffle in a narrow corridor, and one of my teammates, named Ange…”
Hulda: “You’re telling me one of your companions, Ange, met a bad end, and now you’re drinking to… what, forget the pain? Or just dull the memory?”
Jon: “I’m drinking because I hate myself. I was the one who chose to stay there, to take shelter in that place from this fucking storm that is still going. And if I hadn’t chosen to take shelter there, Ange would still be alive.”
Hulda: “I see… You’re drinking to drown the guilt, and the what-ifs. Can’t say I blame you, lad. We’ve all got our share of regrets and doubts. But drinking won’t bring Ange back, just make the pain a mite more bearable for a night or two.”
Jon: “Hulda, you middle-aged but still lovely lass, please prepare me a bath and push my head underwater until I drown.”
Hulda: “I will not do that. You need to go find one of your companions.”

I suppose that at some point I did just that, because before I knew it I had stopped before Uthgerd, who was seated on a corner of the inn enjoying a drink.

Jon: “Oh, Uthgerd, you’re already beautiful most of the time, but now that I’m utterly hammered, you’re so gorgeous, I swear I could rip apart your clothes and lick every inch of your body.”
Uthgerd: “Thinking a few mugs of mead will get you past my defenses? I’ve seen more subtle attempts at seduction from the men of Whiterun. But I’ll give you credit, you’re at least bold about it.”
Jon: “Wouldn’t you say that the best way of getting over a teammate’s death is to celebrate the flesh, to celebrate that we are still alive? And the best way of doing that is by engaging in carnal delights.”
Uthgerd: “Losing a comrade’s never easy, but you can’t let the darkness consume you. Indulging in life’s pleasures… that’s a Nord’s way of honoring the dead, if you ask me.”
Jon: “That’s right, Uthgerd. So please join me in the battlefield of love. Let’s engage in some private wrestling of our own. I beg you, Uthgerd. Please do this for me.”
Uthgerd: “I’m not some tavern wench, easily won over by a charming smile and a few mugs of mead. But… I’ll admit, the idea of a private wrestling match does have its appeal right now. Don’t expect any quarter, though.”

Uthgerd stood up and stared into my eyes. A shiver ran through me.

Jon: “My goodness, you’re actually agreeing to a wrestling match in bed, you and I naked and sweaty and grunting. How long has it been since you’ve been intimate with someone?”
Uthgerd: “I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve had a worthy… opponent. But don’t think for a moment that I’m some tender flower, easily won over by your words.”
Jon: “Uthgerd, my dear motherly person, I do not intend to win you over by my words, but by the deeds of my body. I intend to have you in my arms, naked, in one of the upstairs bed, as soon as possible. Are you coming with me?”
Uthgerd: “I like that. Fine, let’s see if your deeds match your words. But don’t say I didn’t warn you… I’m not one to be trifled with, in or out of bed. Lead on, then.”
Jon: “Let’s do this, Uthgerd! Let’s drown the pains of this world with the fire of our flesh.”
Uthgerd: “Ha! Let’s see if you can keep up with a Nord woman.”

Once I locked the door behind me, I stood on my toes to shove my tongue into Uthgerd’s mouth.

Jon: “Oh, that’s it, the taste of a Nord woman. Unbeatable.”
Uthgerd: “Ah, shut it, elf. No need for poetry. Just show me what you’re made of.”
Jon: “My goodness, Uthgerd, your body is so firm, so scarred.”
Uthgerd: “I didn’t come here for compliments.”
Jon: “What were you looking for when you followed me to this room, Uthgerd? What do you want now, as you stand in the arms of a strong man who’s fondling your sexy assets?”
Uthgerd: “Enough of the flattery. I’m here for one thing, and that’s to see if you can back up your claims. Are you going to hold up your end of this, or just waste my time with words?”

As soon as I pulled down my underwear, Uthgerd pushed me down onto the bed.

About an hour later, we sat at the table that overlooked the inn’s hearth down below, and it took me a while to gather my thoughts.

Jon: “I must say, Uthgerd, that was…”
Uthgerd: “I think you’ve finally learned that a Nord woman can give as good as she gets, in more ways than one. Don’t get too cocky, though. I’m still the one with the sword and the skills to take you down.”
Jon: “Uthgerd, under you, I felt like a damsel at the mercy of a monster.”
Uthgerd: “You’re not as fragile as a damsel, though. You can take a beating, and I like that about you. But I must admit, having you under me, at my mercy… it’s a nice change of pace.”
Jon: “Oh, you don’t have to clarify how much you enjoyed it. I can still see you in my mind, those eyes of yours glimmering, that sweaty body, your arms tense and bulging as you grinned at me, pinned helplessly under you.”
Uthgerd: “I was wondering if you’d recall the way I looked, the way I felt on top of you. It seems I made quite an impression. I must say, having you helpless beneath me, your body trembling with anticipation… it was exhilarating.”
Jon: “Well, I must say, Uthgerd… Let’s repeat this whole deal soon.”
Uthgerd: “You’re not one to back down from a challenge, and I admire that. Next time, let’s see if you can handle yourself a bit better, hmm? Maybe you’ll even manage to pin me down. But I doubt it.”
Jon: “No way that will happen. I fully expect you to pin me down again. That is your role in this relationship, I think, and I’m fine with it.”
Uthgerd: “I can already imagine the next time, feeling your body tremble beneath mine as I take charge.”
Jon: “Well, you didn’t allow me to pull out, so let’s hope that you don’t find yourself realizing you’re pregnant while you’re fighting through a horde of bandits.”
Uthgerd: “I suppose it’s a risk I’m willing to take. After all, a true Nord warrior doesn’t let a little thing like pregnancy get in the way of battle.”
Jon: “I see how the future is going to be. Perhaps I’ll end up delivering our baby in the middle of a battle against monsters. That should be interesting.”
Uthgerd: “You, delivering my baby in the heat of battle. Swords clashing, arrows flying, and you, trying to catch a baby while I’m screaming orders at you to keep fighting. Ah, the life of a warrior is never dull, is it?”

My mind was reeling while we joined Ria at the market, and still reeled while we headed to the jarl’s place: Dragonsreach. We had earned our reward, and it was time to collect.

Jon: “Well, here we are. Dragonsreach, the place from where the jarl of Whiterun rules. I hope he can offer us some good contracts to grow our band of adventurers.”
Uthgerd: “Finally, a chance to get some real work done. I’m tired of taking on petty jobs from the locals. Let’s see what the jarl has to offer.”
Ria: “I’ve heard great things about the jarl. I’m excited to see what kind of opportunities we can find here.”

I didn’t dare to approach the jarl himself: his bodyguard, a Dunmer woman, glared at me menacingly. Instead, I turned toward a bald, middle-aged man who was surely the jarl’s steward.

Jon: “Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Jon, the leader of a local band of adventurers composed of my two companions that you see here, right beside me, as well as someone who isn’t present at the moment. You know that job posted on the missive board, regarding a monster den that needed to be cleared out? Well, we fought bravely against the monsters that dwelled there and defeated them, so we’ve come to collect the reward.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, Jon, the leader of this… band of adventurers, you say? I wasn’t aware we had a new group operating in the area. Congratulations on clearing out the monster den, that’s no easy feat.”
Uthgerd: “Aye, it wasn’t a trivial task, and we’ve come for the reward. We’d like to collect our payment now, if you please.”

Avenicci handed me the sum.

Jon: “A hundred-fifty septims? Alright, that’s a good reward for our troubles.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Well done. I trust it was sufficient for the task at hand? Perhaps you’d like to take on another contract? We have a few… matters that require attention in the area.”
Uthgerd: “Ooh, now we’re talking. What kind of matters are we talking about?”
Jon: “By all means, if you have situations that will require a band of brave adventurers who don’t mind facing death and losing beloved team members in the line of duty, please direct us to those situations.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, well, I suppose that’s one way to put it. Very well, I do have a few… tasks that might interest you. There’s been reports of a group of bandits operating on the road to Solitude. They’ve been causing quite a bit of trouble, and the city guards are stretched thin.”
Ria: “Oh, that sounds like a great opportunity! Taking out bandits is always a good way to make a name for ourselves.”
Jon: “Yeah, I hold plenty of grudges against bandits, so please, let’s annihilate as many bandits as we can. Proventus Avenicci, sir, all you have to do is point at the location of a bandit camp, and my team of adventurers will wholly obliterate it.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, enthusiasm. I like that. Very well, I can give you the location of the bandit camp. It’s located near a small stream, about halfway between here and Solitude. Be careful, though – we’ve had reports of a particularly vicious leader among them.”
Uthgerd: “Ha! Vicious leader, you say? Sounds like a challenge to me. Bring it on!”
Jon: “Ah, Proventus, do you hear that? This companion of mine is as enthusiastic and brave and strong while facing our enemies as she is in bed, so you can trust in our abilities.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, well, I… uh… I think that’s more information than I needed, Jon. Yes, well, I’m sure Uthgerd is… formidable in many areas.”
Uthgerd: “Jon, let’s focus on the task at hand, shall we?”
Ria: “Yeah, let’s not scare the poor man with too much information, Jon.”
Jon: “Oh, I forgot! Mr. Avenicci, speaking of shapely lasses, I met your daughter, Adrienne. Real beauty.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, Adrienne! Yes, she’s a lovely young woman, isn’t she? I’m glad you’ve met her, Jon. But, uh, let’s keep the conversation focused on the task at hand, shall we? I’m not sure I want to discuss my daughter’s… personal life with a group of adventurers.”
Uthgerd: “Oh, I think Jon’s just trying to charm his way into your good books, Proventus.”
Jon: “I actually had a point to make. I met Adrianne while she was working the forge, and she gave me a sword that she had made explicitly for the jarl, Balgruuf the Greater. I was supposed to give it to you so you could hand it to your boss and he could congratulate you on having a great daughter who has a very nice ass.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, that’s enough, Jon. I think you’ve made your point, and then some. I don’t appreciate your… comments about my daughter’s appearance. However, I will accept the sword and pass it on to the Jarl. Thank you for delivering it.”
Uthgerd: “Oh, Jon, you really know how to make friends, don’t you?”
Jon: “Here you have it, Mr. Avenicci, the sword that your daughter lovingly forged to gain your boss’ attention. Let’s ignore for a moment the sword’s phallic shape and the fact that I’m handing it over to you, a man.”
Proventus Avenicci: “That’s quite enough, Jon! I think you’ve made your… point. I’ll take the sword and present it to the Jarl, without any… unnecessary commentary.”
Uthgerd: “Oh, for the love of the Eight! Can we please just focus on the task at hand and stop with the innuendos?”
Ria: “Yeah, let’s just get out of here before we get into any more trouble.”
Jon: “Oh, there is no trouble, surely! Mr. Avenicci, you’re a man, I’m a man, and we men have the same thing in mind, don’t we? When we look at gorgeous women like my companions here, Uthgerd and Ria, same kinda thoughts pop up, right?”
Uthgerd: “That’s it, Jon! I’ve had enough of your… suggestive comments! You’re going to get us thrown out of here!”
Ria: “Yeah, Jon, seriously, stop it. This is getting uncomfortable.”
Proventus Avenicci: “I think it’s time for you to leave, Jon. I’ve given you the information you requested, and I expect you to conduct yourselves in a professional manner.”

I rubbed my face, and started pacing at the base of the stairs that led to the jarl’s throne.

Jon: “I suppose I have to apologize, Mr. Avenicci, the jarl’s right-hand man. I should explain my circumstances, and… my mood, I suppose. I feel a little unhinged at the moment because one of our team members died. She fucking died during the course of the mission that we performed for you, you know, clearing out that monsters den. Or at least it happened during the outing that involved the monsters den. The name of our teammate who died was Ange, Ange the Song-Bearer. She’s dead. She is fucking dead. We buried her in the dirt of a cave, and she will never smile again nor sing. My beautiful songbird.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, Jon, I’m sorry to hear that. Losing a comrade is never easy. Please, accept my condolences. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.”
Uthgerd: “Yeah, it’s been tough on all of us. Ange was a good person, and she’ll be missed.”
Ria: “We’re all still trying to come to terms with what happened.”

I wiped my tears.

Jon: “Oh, thank you, Mr. Avenicci. Thank you very much for your condolences. I must say, you pull off that bald look of yours really well. It gives you an air of respectability.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, thank you, Jon. I appreciate your kind words. Yes, well, I suppose we’ve all got our own ways of carrying ourselves.”
Uthgerd: “Oh, Jon, stop flirting with the steward.”

I whirled around.

Jon: “How dare you?! I must clarify, Uthgerd, that I was not flirting with Proventus Avenicci. It was a matter of pure admiration and respect. Just a man telling another man that he looks good, nothing more. I am not gay. I proclaim this in front of the jarl and his right-hand man. I do not like men.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, well, I think we’ve established that, Jon. No need to clarify.”
Uthgerd: “Oh, for the love of the Eight… This is getting ridiculous.”
Ria: “Can we please just leave? We’ve got our reward, and we’ve got a new job to focus on. Let’s just go.”

I faced Uthgerd with resentment.

Jon: “How could you suggest that I was flirting with the steward, when you and I just had an intimate encounter? Have you forgotten how it felt to pin me down on the bed and work your hips as you grinned and sweated all over me? I remember it vividly.”
Uthgerd: “Jon, stop it! This is not the time or the place for this conversation.”
Ria: “Oh, wow, this is getting way too personal. Can we please just leave?”
Jon: “Ria, I guess this is news to you, but yes, after we returned to the Mare, I got hammered. Then, because our companion Ange had died, I needed to celebrate the wonders of the flesh, so I approached Uthgerd for sex. She completely overwhelmed me with her strength and womanly masculinity. Under her, I became a princess, and I’m very satisfied about how it turned out.”
Uthgerd: “That’s it, Jon! You’re sharing private details about our encounter with Ria and the steward? Have you no discretion? I swear, sometimes I think you’re more trouble than you’re worth.”
Ria: “Umm, I think I’ve heard enough. I didn’t need to know all that.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Ah, well, I think it’s time for you to leave. Now. Before things get any more… complicated. Please, for the love of the Eight, just go.”
Jon: “Oh, I apologize, Mr. Avenicci. I didn’t realize you were still there. Sorry, jarl, for describing my sexual encounter in public. I shall leave Dragonsreach now, so, you know, no need to call the guards or anything.”
Proventus Avenicci: “Just leave, please.”
Uthgerd: “Come on, Jon. Let’s get out of here before you cause any more trouble.”
Ria: “I’ll just follow you two. Try to keep a low profile, okay?”

The enormous doors of the front door muffled the rainfall, but once we found ourselve outside, I was dismayed to discover that we would be forced to walk through a downpour that barely let me see ten steps ahead.

Jon: “My goodness, what the hell is up with the weather recently? Can it ever stop raining? I can barely see anything!”
Uthgerd: “Ha! You think this is bad? This is nothing but a gentle patter compared to the storms we get in the mountains. You should try walking through a blizzard sometime, boy.”
Ria: “I don’t know, Uthgerd, I think Jon has a point. This rain is making it difficult to see and hear anything. It’s perfect ambush weather.”
Jon: “Well, we’ll hardly get ambushed while walking the streets of Whiterun, but anyway, Uthgerd, I remember that last night, while heading to that monsters’ den, you complained about the rain, that comparatively was a drizzle, because you thought it was going to make your armor rusty, so don’t claim now some bullshit about other storms. You don’t like rain either.”
Uthgerd: “Ah, shut it, Jon. I was complaining about the rain because I’d just had my armor polished, not because I’m afraid of a little water. And another thing, what’s with you bringing up last night all the time? Can’t you think about anything else?”
Ria: “Oh, come on, you two. Not again. Can we please just focus on why we’re here? We need to pick up some supplies from Belethor’s.”

We kept arguing as we barged into the local shady merchant’s store.

Jon: “Yes, we came to Belethor’s place to sell our loot and pick up supplies, but also to shelter ourselves from this fucking downpour. Anyway, Uthgerd, yes, I cannot get last night out of my brain, not only because I had sex with you, but, you know, because our friend, well, my friend Ange died. She fucking died! She’s buried in the dirt of a cave, and her beautiful features are already rotting. That’s in my mind right now, and I think I have the right to be completely distraught about it, so I’m sorry if I seem a little unhinged, Uthgerd, but I think I have the right to be a little unhinged because I am grieving, I am grieving the death of a beautiful bard who will no longer, for the rest of time, even after all of us end up in Sovngarde or wherever the hell, she will never sing again.”
Uthgerd: “Jon, stop. Just… stop. You’re not the only one who’s grieving. We all lost Ange, and we’re all hurting. But we can’t just stand here and dwell on it.”
Ria: “Uthgerd’s right, Jon. We can’t change what happened, but we can honor Ange’s memory by keeping going and finishing what we started.”
Jon: “I’m sorry Ria, Uthgerd. I must admit now that you are more seasoned adventurers than me, because I cannot get out of my mind the way Ange’s eyes went dead. A light used to shine in those beautiful eyes of hers, but it had gone completely off, and it will never shine again.”
Uthgerd: “Oh, Jon… Come here. We’ve all seen our share of death, but it never gets any easier.”
Ria: “I remember her singing… it was like her voice could light up a room. I’ll miss her too, Jon. We all will.”

The shopkeeper showed up at the counter.

Belethor: “Ah, what’s all this commotion about? Can’t a man run a business in peace?”
Jon: “Hey, shut up, Belethor! You should be honored that we’re remembering our fallen teammate, Ange, in your shop. Ange the Song-Bearer, who used to sing, who used to compose songs and travel across the breadth of Skyrim, to grace strangers with her voice and her song. And now, Belethor, Ange is dead. She is fucking dead, like a fucking dead thing rotting in the ground. And you tell me that we’re causing a commotion in your shop? Screw you!”
Belethor: “How dare you! I’ll have you know, I’m a respected merchant in this city, and I won’t be spoken to like that! I don’t care about your friend or her singing. What I care about is running a successful business, and your… display… is driving away customers!”
Uthgerd: “Jon, calm down. This isn’t worth it. We came here for supplies, remember?”
Jon: “Oh yeah, I remember. We came here to sell stuff and get some supplies. So, Belethor, I have a serious question for you: do you have some sort of implement, potion or something that could make you bearable?”
Belethor: “What?! You think you can just insult me and then ask for my help?! I’ll have you know, I’m a master of the mercantile arts, and I won’t be swayed by your petty jabs! Now, if you want to do business, I suggest you show some respect! And as for your question, I don’t know what kind of foolishness you’re talking about. What do you mean, make me bearable?!”
Jon: “You know, able to be tolerated. I meant if you have some implement or potion that would make me able to stand you.”
Belethor: “You… you… How dare you! I’ll have you know, I’m a respected member of this community, and I won’t be spoken to like that! I’ve had enough of your insolence! Get out! Get out of my shop before I call the guards!”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, I think you’ve made your point. Maybe we should just leave before things escalate further.”

I took a deep breath.

Jon: “Well, Belethor, we still have a lot of stuff we have looted from caves, from dens, and from dead people. Stuff that you could sell for more money than you’d pay us. Are you willing to refuse some business?”
Belethor: “Fine. Bring it out. I’ll look at what you have, but don’t think for a moment that this means I’ve forgotten your insult. I’ll give you a fair price for your goods, but don’t expect any special favors from me.”
Ria: “Good, let’s just get this over with. I’m tired of standing around in this rain-soaked armor.”
Jon: “Oh, don’t worry, Ria, you still look beautiful. Anyway, Belethor, you’re a businessman through and through, the kind who would sell his sister. Here, check out the goods.”
Belethor: “Ah, yes, a businessman must be willing to make sacrifices, after all. Now, let’s take a look at what you’ve got… Hmmm, not bad, not bad at all. I can give you a good price for these…”

After ridding ourselves of random crap, we walked down the street to Adrianne’s and her husband’s place, to sell extra weapons and armor. Once we did and I counted the contents of my pouch, I screamed.

Jon: “Holy shit, Uthgerd, Ria! Do you have any idea how much money we have made by selling all that loot?!”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, you’re as excited as a Nord on his first raid! Yes, we’ve earned a pretty penny from our exploits. But let’s not forget, we’ve also lost good people along the way.”

Ria: “I never thought I’d see so much gold in my life! But Uthgerd’s right, Jon. We can’t forget about Ange.”
Jon: “You’re right, Uthgerd. I would give all this money away to see Ange’s beautiful smile again.”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, don’t be foolish. Ange’s gone, and no amount of gold can bring her back. We honor her memory by keeping our wits about us and pressing on.”
Ria: “Uthgerd’s right, Jon. We can’t change the past, but we can use this gold to make a difference in the present. Maybe we can help others, like those in need around Whiterun. That would be a fitting tribute to Ange’s memory.”
Jon: “Oh my dear Ria, we are indeed going to use this money to help those in need, and that is us. I intend to buy a house and adopt plenty of children. I shall snatch them from the streets and bring them to live among us fierce warriors. For that, we need a lot of money. We already earned about half of what would be required, so let’s look forward to that: having a base of operations to which we can return and rest, in which you and I, Uthgerd, after a long day of fighting, can plop down in bed and have an intimate wrestling session. Are you looking forward to that?”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, you’re as bold as ever, I’ll give you that. Intimate wrestling sessions, indeed! I’m not saying I’m opposed to the idea. That’s a noble pursuit. But are you sure you’re ready for that kind of responsibility?”
Ria: “Oh, Jon, I think Uthgerd has a point. I mean, we are warriors, after all.”
Jon: “Ria, are you telling me that you wouldn’t love to return home tired after a long day murdering people, only to have a child draped around your shoulders welcoming you, telling you how beautiful you are and how glad she is to see you again?”
Ria: “Oh, Jon, stop it! You’re making me blush! I… I suppose it would be nice to have someone to come home to, someone who looks up to me like that. But, I mean, we’re warriors, not exactly the most… conventional parental figures, are we?”
Uthgerd: “Conventional? Ha! We’re Nords, Ria! We don’t do conventional!”
Jon: “Besides, what do children need to grow up properly? Just a bit of bread and a bed, right?”
Uthgerd: “I’m sure you’d make a wonderful father figure… but I think it’s a bit more complicated than just a bit of bread and a bed!”
Ria: “Oh, Jon, Uthgerd’s right! Children need love, care, and stability.”
Jon: “Well, Uthgerd, I’m glad you think that I’m going to be a great father figure. The way our intimate session went, one of these days I’ll put a baby in you. But that’s alright, because I can already tell that you will be a wonderful mother.”
Uthgerd: “Jon, you… You think you’re funny, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something, elf. I’m not some broodmare for you to impregnate at your whim. And our intimate sessions are just that: sessions. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”
Ria: “Oh, Jon, I think you’ve gone too far this time…”
Jon: “Don’t worry, Ria, I will share some with you as well, if you want.”
Ria: “What?! No, no, no, Jon! That’s not what I meant! I think you’ve made Uthgerd uncomfortable enough for one conversation.”
Uthgerd: “I think Ria’s right, Jon. You’ve said quite enough for one evening. Maybe it’s time for a change of subject… or a swift punch to your jaw. One of the two, I’m not quite sure yet.”
Jon: “You’re welcome to do either of those, Uthgerd. You know I will welcome a punch from you any time. Anyway, I will change the subject, because now that we have money, we can hire people. We can hire the one person in Whiterun who was too expensive for us. Do you know of whom I am speaking?”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, you’re a glutton for punishment, I’ll give you that. Alright, let’s move on from your… interesting conversation topics. And yes, I think I know who you might be thinking of. Are you referring to Jenassa, the sellsword? She was a bit out of our price range, if I recall.”
Ria: “Yes, that’s right! Jenassa is a fierce warrior.”
Jon: “Yes, Jenassa is a fierce warrior, and also a bitch. A bitch who asks for too much money to kill people for our sake. But now we are rich, which means that we can hire a sellsword and put her in the front lines, so if anybody is going to die, it’s going to be a sellsword, not one of our friends. Do you understand me?”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, you’re as tactful as ever, I see. You want to exploit Jenassa as as cannon fodder? I’m sure she’d be delighted to hear that. And yes, I understand your point, but let’s not forget that even sellswords are people, not just expendable pawns.”
Ria: “I don’t think that’s a very nice way to put it, Jon.”
Jon: “Hey listen, if I’m paying for someone’s service, then they are expendable. So you should be glad, Ria and Uthgerd, that I am not paying either of you. In coin, I mean. I am paying you with all the love in my heart, because you chose to accompany me in my adventures.”
Uthgerd: “Paying us with love from your heart? Spare us the theatrics. We’re warriors, not some swooning maidens who’ll faint at your words.”
Ria: “Yeah, and what’s with the implication that if you were paying us, you’d think we’re expendable too? Not exactly the most reassuring thing to hear, Jon.”
Jon: “Well, Ria, my darling companion, it should be reassuring to you. It means that I’m expecting you to fight because you are a warrior. You want to fight people, you want to fight beasts, you want to improve your strength and your abilities and, you know, that rugged beauty of yours. And if you were just doing it for money, it would mean that you’re a simple sellsword, someone who sells her arts for money, and that is disgusting! That is a vile thing to do because art should be done for, you know, the beauty of art, the beauty of murdering and dismembering people, not filthy coin!”
Ria: “Jon, stop it! You’re being ridiculous! I fight because I want to protect people, because I want to make a difference, not just for the sake of fighting or for some twisted notion of beauty.”
Uthgerd: “And what’s with this rugged beauty nonsense? Ria’s a strong and capable warrior, not some fragile flower to be admired for her looks. And as for art being done for the sake of art, not money… You’re a fine one to talk, Jon, considering how much loot we’ve been collecting on our travels.”

Jon: “Oh, please. First of all, Uthgerd, look at Ria. Are you saying that she’s not a rugged beauty? She’s as beautiful as they come. You shouldn’t insult her like that.”
Ria: “Jon, stop it! You’re making me blush, and not in a good way. I’m a warrior, not some object to be admired for my looks.”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, you’re so dense sometimes. I wasn’t insulting Ria, I was pointing out that her worth goes far beyond her physical appearance. And besides, I think Ria can speak for herself, don’t you, Ria?”
Ria: “Exactly! I can take care of myself, thank you very much.”
Jon: “Regarding your other point, Uthgerd, which I appreciate you having raised: you said that I shouldn’t criticize others because they want money for their services, given that we got plenty of loot, actually 3,200 septims-worth, out of our recent adventures. But my situation is completely different! I happen to love adventuring, and it just happens that I find loot along the way. Is it truly wrong to gather as much loot and coin as possible while we’re performing our art in the wild?”
Uthgerd: “Oh, please, Jon, spare us the hypocrisy. You’re not fooling anyone with your ‘I only do it for the sake of adventuring’ nonsense. We’ve seen the way you drool over treasure chests and loot bodies. Don’t try to pretend you’re above material gain.”
Ria: “Yeah, and what’s with the ‘performing our art in the wild’ thing? You make it sound like we’re some kind of traveling troupe of performers, not warriors fighting for our lives.”
Jon: “Uthgerd, the way you see me drool over lootable bodies or treasure is nothing compared to the way I drool whenever I look at that motherly face of yours or your firm, muscular body slathered in monster blood and sweat, so shiny and delicious.”
Uthgerd: “Jon, that’s… enough. You’re not going to distract me from the conversation with your flattery and… whatever it is you’re trying to do. Let’s just focus on the topic at hand, shall we?”
Ria: “Yeah, Jon, please. Uthgerd’s right. This isn’t the time or place for… whatever that was. Just stop, okay?”
Uthgerd: “And another thing, Jon. While I appreciate the compliment, I’m not some prize to be won or a possession to be ogled.”
Jon: “You’re right, Uthgerd, you are a fierce woman who is strong enough to pin a man down in bed and mount him with all the strength and happiness that you have proven to me. So fiercely that I still feel it in my bones. So you don’t have to tell me that you are not just a beautiful woman: I couldn’t even try to pull out, and my sperm remains inside you.”
Uthgerd: “Jon, that’s… I don’t even know what to say to that. You’re being completely and utterly unacceptable. How dare you speak about our intimate moments like that in front of Ria?”
Ria: “That’s way too much information. Can we please just focus on the conversation and not your… personal experiences with Uthgerd?”
Jon: “Oh come on, beautiful Ria here is an adult. She must have had enjoyed a series of adventures with men or women, whatever she prefers. Or I don’t know, werewolves perhaps. So I’m sure that she’s ready to hear about people’s private activities.”
Ria: “Jon, that’s not the point! Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I want to hear about your personal business. And another thing, what’s with the werewolves comment? That was completely uncalled for.”
Uthgerd: “Yeah, Jon, you’re really crossing some boundaries here. Just stop, okay? This conversation is getting way out of hand.”
Jon: “I feel like I have to apologize regarding the werewolves thing. I didn’t imply that you have some sort of fetish, alright? It’s just that whenever I enter Jorrvaskr, I get a real werewolfy vibe. I can’t justify it, it’s just what I feel.”
Ria: “Jon, stop. Just stop. You’re digging yourself into a hole and making things worse. I don’t think you understand what you’re implying, and I don’t think you care.”
Uthgerd: “Yeah, Jon, you’re being really insensitive and thoughtless. The Companions are a proud and noble organization, and we don’t appreciate your… unusual remarks. Just apologize and move on, okay?”
Jon: “Uthgerd, what do you mean ‘we’? You don’t belong to the Companions. I’m pretty sure that they didn’t let you join after that practice bout you had with that poor boy.”
Uthgerd: “Ah, Jon, you want to bring that up, do you? Fine. Yes, I did have a… disagreement with one of the Companions during a training exercise. And yes, they did refuse to let me join their ranks. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have respect for the Companions or that I don’t know what they stand for.”
Ria: “Jon, that was uncalled for. Uthgerd’s past is none of your business, and you shouldn’t be throwing it in her face like that.”
Jon: “I wasn’t throwing anything in her face, I was just clarifying a point. But anyway, let’s end this conversation with the following: Ria, I love you. Uthgerd, I love you as well. I appreciate what you are as human beings. I appreciate your strength. I appreciate your beauty. I hope you live very long lives instead of dying in a cave to a bunch of bandits, only to be buried afterwards in the cold earth. All right?”
Ria: “Jon, I… I don’t know what to say to that. I appreciate your sentiments, I suppose, but it’s a bit too much, coming from you, after everything you’ve said.”
Uthgerd: “Yeah, Jon, it’s a bit hard to take your words seriously, after all the insults and insensitive remarks you’ve made. But… I suppose it’s better than nothing. Let’s just agree to end this conversation before it gets any worse, shall we?”
Ria: “Agreed. I think we’ve had quite enough for one day.”