A Visit From Truck-kun (Poetry)

My new sister is in love with the princess
I got a human friend, she’s a knight
We have four wizards in our party
There’s some crap going on with the king
But I don’t care one bit
About fantasy world politics

I like how my new family treats me
I love the food, the pleasant smiles
They’re generous,
But I always see my previous parents
In the mirrors

Our four wizards are high-ranking
The elf and the half-demon are important,
The half-reptile has superpowers,
One is a fireball-slinging halfling
There used to be five,
But she’s dead
So now there are only four
And our knight Podema, who’s gone kind of rogue

This is one fucked up world
With dungeons, dragons,
Unicorns, witches, demons
Too many swords
A map full of markers
I was used to life in a sandbox,
My own little world to care about

You can be one of the heroes
There’s treasures to be found,
Lots of battles to win,
People to save
Now I’m on a quest

We got surrounded by human-looking monsters
They call them bandits around these parts
They attacked us with swords and crossbows
We dispatched them with elemental magic
These people must’ve been desperate,
Or just wished to die

We come across a group of soldiers
Something about collecting some rock
The troops didn’t seem very dangerous
They attacked us for some reason
Our fire mage, Bimbo, roasted them
I stabbed their corpses

Some peasants are telling us
Those are the worst wolves
They’ve seen in their lives
We killed them all with a fireball
A bunch of bullshit
To start the day

There are lots of snakes
Those are really unicorns
Why is that bow floating?
This is some weird-ass forest

My head was fractured by a unicorn
Our half-reptilian Thordall
Healed me with a spell
I addressed our other guys
“What are you waiting for?
Just kill those horny fuckers”
I also started fighting and slicing
I wanted to see their skeletons

We were all bored
The water mage told some fish stories
The four of them keep going on about a druid
They look like a bunch of nerds
Now I use a sword and a shield
But I used to play with Legos

Our water wizard is a grey-skinned elf
Kutinaira was once a goddess,
But she became demi-goddess,
Or so she says
What nobody can deny
Are those meaty breasts

I was getting aroused,
Tried to kiss our knight
She pushed me away
Some chastity crap
Podema signed up, the poor thing,
For a lifetime of self-diddling

We were called to the royal castle
A bunch of stuff about a prophecy
I have a headache, my balls itch
The king is missing or some shit

There are kings who are killers
The nobles bring up some of them
They have names like in a novel
I’m sure they have expensive tastes
And they spend a lot of time
With their soldiers fighting demons
I know I carry a sword and stuff,
But I’m not a warlord

In the sky there’s tons of birds
These angry guys are well armed
Their leader shouts at us
“Tell that asshole with you,
The halfshit midget
With the annoying face,
If he uses his fire
You’ll all be fried!”
I love when they give me
Some motivation
We nailed the other guys to death
Weren’t worth the trouble

We find a little village
The woman who runs the inn
Has big, motherly charms
She is used to everybody
Kissing and groping her
So we have a lot of fun

We are riding our horses
Through this creepy forest,
Looking for the way out
The wolves are hungry,
The orcs are scary
I hear a little girl crying

We come across a house
An old soldier and her two children
Run outside to greet us
Those are some sad eyes
Our fire wizard questions them
About the lay of the land
The soldier says, “Take them with you
Something horrible will happen
It’s just a matter of time”
One of the kids says, “Please”
I am a courageous man
I have just killed a wolf,
Stabbed through its right eye,
Then chopped off its head
But I don’t want any part
Of this shit

Royal palace, high-ranking people
Some wizard was trying to rule the land
He was the one that captured the king
Some other party rescued him

So there are wars between kingdoms
And problems with wizards
They’ve kept me in the dark
I want to see more of the world
Maybe go on another adventure,
Or just return home

A royal chamber
With a king and queen
They looked like twins
I’m quite sure she hit on me
There were lots of slaves
They all had the same face

I need to be the king
Might as well
My father was a boss
I can do much better

The king’s daughter looks like a future queen
She may be my princess one day
But I don’t know,
I’m not ready to marry

I spend my days hunting monsters,
Stalking a bunch of different creatures
Then I’m fondled by a damsel
Who kisses the shit out of me

“Come to my home, Captain,” she says
“Will you save me for a night?”
I love those sweet nothings
Coming from such luscious lips
The girls around here are sweet
Delightfully stupid
Their bosoms are filled
With honey

I’m a straightforward guy
I don’t like talking too much
But I fell in love with that babe
After a kiss from her lips
She gave me such a grand time
Made me eggs for breakfast

We rode our mounts in a circle
As we wore the monsters down
With elemental spells
There’s lots of fighting
In this world where I live
So much shit to kill

A swordfighter joined our party
He got stabbed in the thigh
By a goblin of all things,
And fell down a bottomless hole
I couldn’t help him
Didn’t retain his name

I’m the only one with a positive attitude
I made Bimbo understand
It doesn’t work out for everyone
And, even if it did,
People die on such quests
That’s just life

A giant, flying crocodile
Went out of its way to attack us
We took it down with fireballs,
Or at least our fire mage did
That halfling handles anything
We weren’t afraid
I was envious
I want to fly away

Bimbo is suffering from depression,
Oliveiro keeps up his sexual dalliances,
Kutinaira keeps eyeing me like a god
Of peace and love
A friend of theirs invited us
To some old knight’s funeral
Bimbo was supposed to stay with me,
But they dragged me along

Some ladies from the funeral
Wanna become my groupies
Young and cute maids
We don’t have to share,
But I give my half-reptilian pal Thordall
One of the cutest
He’s good at fucking her
Even upside down
He uses his lips, teeth, and nails
He’s much better than me

Our water mage Kutinaira
Keeps fucking me with her eyes
“Knock it off, elf,” I tell her,
“You are like a thousand years old”
“And you are like a tiny little baby,”
That old pervert answers
Our fire mage Bimbo gets frustrated,
That brooding bastard
He’s a halfling, he doesn’t get any
We should have paid attention to his soul

We came across some dwarves
Who were prospecting for gold
All of us lost
We kept telling each other
We must be doing something wrong
Some trolls came out nowhere,
Then charged against the dwarves
It was our chance to fuck off

Lots of excitement in our lives,
Lots of balls being kicked
None of us are useless
I keep getting splashed with blood
Sometimes I pretend to be a beast
I shout and I roar and I fight

The princess is the light of my life
I am a master of my domain
I will rule the kingdom in the end
It will be the happiest day

A red-eyed, pissed off unicorn
That keeps foaming at the mouth
Wants to use its magic,
So I stab at its flank
Now it’s laying on the ground
In a puddle of blue blood
It pains me to kill
A beautiful soul

Orcs, orcs, and orcs
Some of them are carrying swords,
Some are throwing primitive bombs
They are drugged out of their skulls

This dungeon looks familiar,
Might have come down here before
We keep getting ambushed
By mechanized sentries
Built by a long-forgotten race
I miss the warmth of the sun
We finally find an old elevator
And save our lives

The princess was fondling a young teen,
Of those with breasts and a pussy
I stood there for too long
The princess put a spell on me,
Teleported me away
I wanted to watch
I thought that a princess was supposed
To be chaste and stuff

A cave full of giant toads
We don’t even need to fight
A magic spell cooks them all
“Sorry to do everything, you guys,”
Our fire mage says as he sits down
“Don’t you get bored?” Kutinaira asks
Bimbo shrugs
“From time to time”
“Well, if now is the time,”
Oliveiro says,
“Let’s go to the festival of spring”
“I do like the sound of that”

Stupid elf Kutinaira
Peeks at me
As I take a leak
“Really?” I ask her
“Are you really?”
She winks at me,
But I glare
“Perverted broad,
Just let me pee
In peace”

I keep thinking about my peasant girl
I miss the taste of her breasts
I got a hot hand
I masturbate
I imagine myself inside her
Her nether regions were so exquisite

We were staying out of trouble
As we lounged around in town
The princess’ bodyguards
Tried to shove me down a hole
I swear I won’t tell anybody
About your troublesome tastes

Our knight managed to cure
A sorcerer’s madness
With some sort of holy spell
The guy was grateful
He didn’t know how to fight,
But he could cast spells
One night he grabbed my dick
“Sorry, man,” I said,
“I ain’t gay”
He didn’t last long

I’m surrounded by guards
They catch and bind me
My friends come to my aid
Our fire wizard stabs one guy
Who screams in pain
When they release me,
I chop someone’s head off
I’ve forgotten about my home
I swear I’ll never make it
Out of this place

Our party wanders through the dark woods
We’re lost in the rain,
Which washes away the blood on my sword
I haven’t had sex in months

We come across a cabin
A black-haired druidess is standing there
“Come on in!” she says
There’s fire coming from the fireplace
The woman was boiling eggs
She looks like an old-school nerd

The druidess tells us
“I heard you’re on a quest
To find the Elshul”
“Sorry, woman,” I say,
“I have no clue what that is”
“You have no idea
About the Elshul, do you?”
I narrow my eyes
“What the hell did I just say?”
“If they ever come back,
I’m gonna kill them all!”
I shun her like a leper
The druidess gives me a herb
She says it’s for pleasure
She doesn’t need a potion
To provide an orgy

“You are very handsome, Captain
I am telling you as a truth
I want you to be my love”
I motion for my party
To leave through the door
“I’m afraid I’m taken, lady,” I say,
“And that’s a whole lot of warts
On your nose”

The wizards on our party
Are interested in our little problem
Two have fallen in love with me
One of them is a man
I’m in love with that peasant damsel
And also want a piece of our knight’s ass

The party returns
We find some whiskey
Our old elf Kutinaira,
Master of water magic,
Keeps fondling my dick
I go to the brothel

I went to hear some dwarven music
By my lonesome self
A really cool band
We bonded over some bard songs
They have a lot of potential,
If they get their shit together
The singer used to have a big-ass house
Until some goblins infested it

I’m love with a woman from this town
It isn’t a fairytale
“Hey, that is my wife!”
I can tell by the man’s anger
That the bastard ain’t lying
He’s willing to kill
A big soldier they call Captain,
Although my sword is dripping blood
I bow my head to him
“Sorry, man
Your wife’s tits
Are filled with honey”

Kutinaira performed a meteor-like phenomenon
Some lasers of fire came out of the sky
I saw streaks of a bright light
Somebody described this as ghosts
We need an alchemist in our party,
Or at least to stop eating random mushrooms
I totally forgot for a moment
That Kutinaira is just the wet kind of mage

We ended up in a hellhole
I don’t know what to do
I keep saying, “Fight”,
But nobody does
That’s a crapton of wyrms
There will be blood everywhere

My night vision gets wrecked by a certain princess
Her flying goons are pushing us down
Stop sending assassins after me,
I’ve never said a thing

Some baboon blew up a chunk of the walls
Stuff starts exploding as we all rush to the site
As if planned, a hundred goblins attack
We shoot them, slice them, a bunch get captured
I hate this kind of coordination
Among the stupid

Where the hell is that castle?
The map marks it around here
It’s been two days since we ate
The monsters in these parts
Are likely to kill us all
Our four mages are in pain,
I feel like puking
Our wizard Bimbo looks like shit
All my sex dreams
Might soon be over
The knight urges us to camp
And take care of our sick friend

I got separated through
Some cobwebby catacomb
This perverted dwarf
Popped my cock out
In front of the other dwarfs
The little woman fucked me
With an urgency,
With an intensity
I got real hard
I didn’t mind
I bet she hadn’t had any
In a while

As we searched a town
To heal our elf’s unicorn
That kept dripping blue blood,
We bumped into some noblewoman
Who was playing a violin
And singing a song about her pussy
It gave my dick
Some naughty satisfaction

A dragon is gobbling up a young maiden
That ugly bugger
Crashed into the restaurant
Where we were eating

Once we returned to the palace,
I happened to catch a glimpse
Of the princess lazing around
In a goddamn bikini
I really need to fuck
That murderous cunt

Kutinaira went on and on
About me being really hot
What a pain in the ass
I’m still in love
With that peasant girl
“You’re a disgrace,” she says
“What happened to your dick?”
I shoot her a look
“I assure you it works,
You ancient elf”
“Then pull it out,
I’ll gladly suck it out”

Our cleric Thordall doesn’t like me,
But loves being a priest
He saw some ghosts in a haunted church
He said, “No, no, that’s not right”
The rest of us sat around
While Thordall exorcised some souls

We are fighting orcs
I imagine the princess riding
On a rainbow unicorn
“Can you fuck me now?”
She asks me alluringly,
As if I were a teen girl
“I’ll cut your bastard head off!”
The orc yells something fierce
As he charges at me
I thrust my sword through his dick
Don’t go around interrupting
A man’s daydreams

The only time I’m ever happy
Is when I’m fighting monsters.

When days later we returned to town,
Some peasant houses had burned down
A bunch of people tried to blame us
Many were drunk
I don’t like when people complain
The locals said it was obvious
That castle was enchanted,
We shouldn’t have looted it
Because of some magic shit
Must’ve been the reason, they said,
For all the fire elementals
The peasants went home to get drunker
A pissed off quartermaster
Wanted to drag us to their base,
Kept threatening us,
Until he understood
We pick our teeth
With bone splinters
Carefully collected
From dismembered wyrms

I’m leaning against the wall,
Looking through some mail
It’s full of lewd letters,
All sex-related
I didn’t get any photos
Of the princess in a bikini

I want to get a room with our knight
The next town is close
I’ll slink off somewhere quiet to jerk off,
Then we’ll eat a meal and go home

I meet a foreign princess
She looked like a hag,
But wore a cozy, velvety gown
She told me the girls
Of their fantasy realm
Have incredible orgasms
That night she grabbed me,
Convinced me to spend the night
Turns out she wasn’t a princess
At all

This dungeon is unbearable
I have to stop thinking
About women or my cock
I’m losing my shit
I can’t keep my mind off sex
Even if I try

We got chased by a goblin horde
We found a shitload of gold
The place is full
Of unique treasures,
But we got attacked by a spider
It was too big
And venomous
Had to leave it all behind

I heard the priestess
Who runs this brothel
Tell my friends that
My mind has a low libido
What the fuck does that mean?
My cock still works
I’m saddened by this world
I want to go home

I feel bad about the princess
Despite her murderous aims
I want to stop her from hunting me,
But as we are resting in town,
I catch the princess seducing our knight
She left my female friend naked and asleep
I also wanted a piece of that
I wish I didn’t have a dick

What’s wrong with this kingdom
Everyone is gay
No peace and quiet,
Just loads of fighters and wizards
So many fucking horses
I hate unicorns

There’s a group of adventurers
Talking shit about me
“He’s some kind of freak
With a sword and a shield”
“Calls himself the Captain”
“His face looks like a huge dick”
Do they see the stuff I use?
They are all going to die
I’ll take all of them,
Pile their corpses into the bushes
I can’t be arsed anymore
I don’t give a fuck

In this fantasy world,
Nobody is what they seem
I’m still some sort of hero,
But I feel like a prick

The kings are all the same
The lords are pompous
They all dress up like little kids,
Monsters in disguise
Their stupid servants look like animals,
A bunch of shitty turtles
Their faces don’t match their voice
They try to mimic nobility

My life is worth more
Than the crown I don’t wear,
Than my castle, my throne,
My riches, my bitches,
More than the aunts and uncles,
And all shit I don’t have

Those damn demons are rampaging
Through the scenic countryside
They shouldn’t be sleeping with
Nor killing peasants
Why, why did I have to come
On this crazy adventure?

We are scouting about
It’s getting way too dark
We hear a crackling sound
After a flash of light, we just know
Some demons are rushing to attack us
They are resistant to Bimbo’s fire
Kutinaira keeps shooting them with water
Some of the demons are imps,
They spit fireballs through their tiny mouths
Thordall’s robe catches on fire

Some demons are dead,
Others are running around
I kill a few with my steel
Podema has her holy words

This sexy demoness
Pulled my dick out
I bet it smelled like shit,
Haven’t showered in a week
Her nails scratched my skin
I screamed,
But for once I welcomed
The pain

Kutinaira and I are chasing down this demon,
But her unicorn just got knocked out
Some wind magic keeps the demon at bay
Now all it takes is to cut him down

A demon with a monstrous dick
Is preparing some heinous spell,
But our proficient knight
Swings her magic sword
I want some sexy demoness
To ride my cock

Oh boy, a giant demon
Almost chomped my head off
We were attacked by fucking demons
The sweetest part of our day

How long am I going to be stuck here
This is a crapload of monsters
Our four wizards are reliable
I’m one of the heroes
We keep ourselves entertained,
But there’s too much evil

Our fire mage Bimbo pulled me aside
He had caught me lusting after demons
While everybody else fought
“You need to snap out of it
You are becoming a piece of meat,
Some lonely pervert”
I’m not in the business
Of denying truths,
But I need some release
For this pain

I still get turned on
In the middle of fights,
Even when my cock
Keeps getting scratched

I only have a few extra gold,
But I buy Bimbo a special pizza
“I’m in love,” Bimbo tells me
“We are so much alike, you and I”
I almost choke
“Don’t tell me you have also
Caught the gay”
Bimbo chuckles,
A rare sight
In his miserable face
“No, that was a joke,” he says
“In truth, in never forgot
That woman with the golden voice”
I don’t know who he means
We’ve spent so much time
Wandering through dreams

I’m covered in blood
I grab a half-empty pot of ale
From the outside tables of a tavern
I plop down on the closest chair
I gulp down the ale
My wounds might get infected,
But there’s no pain,
And Thordall will pop up soon anyway

That dragon was a big fighter,
But we managed to take it out
I cut off one of its wings
And Bimbo’s fireballs took its head
I wish I could fly the dragon’s body
Up into the sky

The king’s trapped in his palace
As one of the princess’ slaves
She locked him up in her dungeon
They say he can’t escape
I don’t want anything to do
With that horny bitch

I tried to call my parents,
But these people don’t have phones
Our knight is having sex
With another female knight
After so many battles,
I’ll be a little whore
It’s all the same
I want a bunch of other folks
Who need what I need
I’m pretty good at parties,
But now a bunch of sex workers
Keep shouting at me
I don’t know what’s the matter
I can pay

I am at this kingdom
Because I can’t do it on my own
The king got enslaved,
These women keep messing with my cock
When I return to our room at the inn,
That one wizard called Khoru
Is balls deep in Oliveiro
Who’s on his hands and knees

I still feel bad
About that peasant girl,
And my lesbian knight,
And the sexy princess
In her pink bikini,
But it turns out
We haven’t run out of dope

The other day, while passing through the fields,
I noticed a woodcutter taking a break
His delicate young wife was sitting on a log
The three of us chatted for a while
They were ogling at me like hungry wolves,
Then talked about trading clothes,
Or just taking them off
They led me up a hill
And into a simple hut
The young wife pulled up her smock
Her skin was daisy white
She went on about her love for kinky shit
And what could be more kinky
Than to fuck a man’s tight-shut asshole
With her two hands and fingers
While he takes care of his own cock
My vision hadn’t cleared up,
But the woodcutter waited for his turn
I ended up filling the wife with my cum
The three of us drank mead on the floor

This older knight
Who’s half-crippled
Tries to seduce me
“I’ll call you son and adopt you,”
He says as he licks his lips
His name is Sivert
He’s very tall,
Thin and strong
He has big tits,
But I am not turned on by this

Khoru, our alchemist friend,
Is wearing a little brassiere
He pulls a little bit of skin from Oliveiro’s neck
For some perverted end

We’re at the whorehouse
I went for a half-wolf wench
Who stinks of shit
She thinks she’s special
Despite the thorough cock probing,
She’s just like the rest

Everyone’s having fun
Spilling loads of cum
I am a horned frog with a hundred legs
I’m a succubus without the boobs
It’s not that I don’t believe in love,
But this is better than despair

Our half-reptilian Thordall got sick of all the sex
The motherfucker turned his back and left

Regarding the elf Kutinaira,
I gave my cock to her
I wanted to self-destruct
What a lousy excuse
She kept kissing me ravenously
With her burning-hot lips
Her love was like a ghost,
Horny for millennia

Now I find that queenly elf
So hot that she burns
Her water magic keeps
This city safe from pains
She is wearing a robe
That I covered in saliva

After so many wars,
She’s gets to wipe my aching cock
I keep petting her hair
As she licks my sore head
I’m very pleased
With this ancient elf

Life is better
With another person
Kutinaira and I make love
It’s not a meaningless routine
Or an empty habit
I keep learning about this

I bothered to ask about Thordall
To some itinerant freelancers
Our old cleric,
All serious and stern,
Who nicknamed me ‘Reprobate’,
Returned home to a dead son
His daughter killed those goblins
In days they came back tenfold
They were about to rape her,
As goblins love to do,
When Thordall stopped them
The goblins murdered him
They gouged out his eyes
His daughter is safe
I’ll keep these news
To myself

There’s been an attack
On my favorite whorehouse,
By some marauding raiders
All the whores were raped,
Some were tortured to death,
Some were shot,
Some were disemboweled,
Some were beaten up and left bleeding
I can only think about what I saw
I came in rushing
Through that half-open door
I make bad jokes
About those kind girls
And their loving skin
And the violence
So I can sleep

The king died trying to escape
Our party was ambushed
By a bunch of guards
Sworn to the princess
They shot at our fire wizard,
Pierced through his brain
The princess is yelling at me
I can’t make out the words
You are way too far,
You horny bitch

Should we bother to resist?
My friend Bimbo got killed
With his back turned
How can we stay alive?
The princess is vicious
And a fucking pervert

She’ll turn me into one of her slaves
I’m sure her ladyship couldn’t wait
Until I rotted in some dungeon
So she could visit me at night
And shove white-hot lead balls
Up my ass

This evil cunt
Wouldn’t listen to me,
So I kept running away from her
We tried to hide in other towns
Why would I live in this fucked up world
I need to go home

My blood is boiling,
But I can’t act
I have to snap out of this
Guess I’ll just stand here
And wait for someone
To cut my fucking head off

Our elf Kutinaira shot some water bullets
Until a sneaky guard beheaded her
Oliveiro just stood there with impotent hands,
Without casting his wind magic
I want to plunge my sword through him,
And not because he’s gay

I recall that the alchemist pitched acid bombs
I still hear the princess casting spells
I can see the faces of her bodyguards
Frozen in fear
As I pounced on the bastards
And lopped off their heads

The princess hides in her castle,
Beyond a huge heap of dead guards
An army of adventurers,
Familiar faces and names,
Along with their unicorns
Bursts through the doors
She finds herself surrounded
Her smile drops

That horny idiot.
She only wanted to rule
And fuck teens.
What do I know about love?
I left my whole heart
With that peasant girl.

Khoru is dying on the floor;
Someone impaled him through the chest.
For a moment I press the edge of my blade
Against my own neck.

Now a soldier is in charge
He can’t even cast spells
I demanded to be the king,
But they sold me into slavery

I recognize this one general
We saved one of his cousins
At least someone is grateful
My life as a slave is over
Now I’m gonna have to go
On other adventures

Our knight was initiated into some order
Didn’t say goodbye
Oliveiro killed himself,
So I got a new crew
I don’t want to learn your names
Until we have fought some monsters,
And gone into each other’s vaginas,
And sucked each other’s dicks
I’m sick of this dull ache
In my heart

I wanted to leave this all behind,
At least until I became strong enough
To face the nightmares again.
I needed to see my parents;
They must miss the shit out of me.
If I told them about this world,
They’d go nuts and scream,
“Doesn’t that sound like a dangerous place?
Way more dangerous than Earth!”

I have no business being in this world,
But it has unicorns,
And demon lords,
And perverted princesses,
And peasant girls.
There are monsters still out there
To kill.

‘A Visit From Truck-kun’ by Jon Ureña

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s