My Own Desert Places, Pt. 21 (GPT-3 fueled short)

I have taken the habit of enjoying my breakfast on the balcony of the second floor, as long as it doesn’t rain. I sit wearily on an iron chair at the table, facing the neighboring countryside. This chair is so sturdy that I never have to worry about the wind pushing it around. I enjoy the slight morning breeze as I drink my coffee, and I gaze upon the outlook. Green rolling hills as far as the eye can see, a pleasant view marred only by a couple of electric towers and isolated farmhouses among fenced grazing fields and small groves. In the horizon rise the two peaks of a mountain, name unknown.
I had intended to leave Alazne sleeping, but the noise I made when I was preparing my breakfast must have woken her up, because I hear her footsteps approaching me from the hallway behind me. She’s coming into the balcony as she holds a fresh cup of coffee from the coffee maker I bought recently. She smiles at me warmly, then sits down on the iron chair next to me. She’s wearing baby blue pyjama bottoms adorned with cat silhouettes, and a white shirt showing the protagonist from ‘Goodnight Punpun’ in his black, elongated head, multi-eyed version. Her light brown hair is tied back in a ponytail except for a couple of rebellious locks.
“How are you today?” I ask as I try to avoid staring at her breasts.
“Fine. You?”
I am apprehensive. Yesterday I couldn’t take anymore how much Alazne suffered because I needed to lie about my nature as a ghost, so I pacified her with the lie I also told Asier’s ex-fiancée Ainhoa: that the car accident Asier had suffered, which had granted him his wish to die, had erased most of the memories of my past before the crash. If I had pondered about the pros and cons of deceiving Alazne further, I would have figured out some other solution, but I can’t turn back time now.
And last night I suffered the first consequence: we didn’t have sex. For the first day since that fabled night in which I conquered Alazne’s holy pussy with both my penis and my mouth, we hadn’t gone a day without repeating the same ritual with some variation. However, last night, around an hour after we ate dinner, Alazne announced that she wanted us to watch a movie in bed. It was Makoto Shinkai’s ‘Your Name’. Alazne had already seen it at her previous home a few years ago, before the day I heard her playing guitar for the first time. I had only caught bits and pieces of the movie over the years, when I wandered into people’s houses, and I didn’t know what it was called. So I sat with my back against the headboard, Alazne leaned back against me, and for the time the movie lasted I hugged her chest under the sheets while I watched the laptop screen, which she appropriately propped up on her lap.
I guess Alazne had forgotten most of the events of the movie, or maybe the narrative is just that powerful, because she cried profusely at a couple of moments, and right by the end I’m ashamed to admit that I shed some manly tears, although hopefully my girlfriend didn’t notice. When the movie finished, Alazne turned around, hugged me tight and we made out heavily for a good while, so the romantic movie fulfilled its purpose. However, when I tried to unfasten her bra she told me that she didn’t want to fuck, just for me to hold her tight and sleep facing her. I panicked internally, and feared something was seriously wrong. She must have known how hard I was by how my penis was digging into her abdomen, but Alazne just curled up against me, with her hands between our chests, and fell asleep with a placid smile on her lips.
I hadn’t noticed that I lost myself worrying about last night’s events, and when I switch back to reality, I find myself looking down at the foam in my coffee. As I take a drink I realize that Alazne is gazing at the wound on my forehead, now mostly a scar, so blatantly that it seems rude even to me.
Nervous, I take a sip of coffee, and then I slide the tip of my index finger along the wound.
“I hope that over time it won’t look discolored, but I guess nothing will prevent me from sporting a conspicuous scar. I wish it could have crossed my eyebrow or something badass like that. So close to my hairline it just looks wrong.”
“Well, I love you anyway,” she says with a sweet smile.
“Everyone loves a war hero. That’s what we could tell people anyway. Not that I went and crashed my car because…” Because Asier veered deliberately into incoming traffic. I haven’t told this to Alazne, have I? “… Because I’m a moron who can’t drive properly. It was a nasty crash, bad enough that I died for a moment.”
“Asier, did the doctors check you for brain damage? They must have, right?” Alazne asks in an unconcerned tone for what she’s asking.
“It’s not my mind that’s damaged, it’s my heart. I must have been a lonely, sad man to drive so recklessly. But yes, the doctors did check, and apparently the only lasting damage to my brain is having lost most of my memories. Which I guess is a very serious issue, but… I embrace it, given that the person this body belonged to before the accident was a rotten bastard.”
A sudden movement in the countryside distracts me enough to divert my attention to it. A man, who may be a farmer, is walking through one of the fenced grazing fields maybe two hundred meters away. There’s nobody else out, even though it’s a pleasant morning at around nine and a half. I follow the guy with my gaze for a few seconds until he disappears in the shade of some trees.
When I focus on Alazne again, she’s not trying to disguise the pity she feels for me. I shift my weight in my chair.
“Alazne, please don’t look at me like that. I’m telling you, I’m fine. I have no clue how the… previous owner of this body felt before the accident, but I’m doing okay, apart from some occasional confusion.”
Alazne reaches with her hand to touch my shoulder, then her fingertips slide down to the inside of my elbow, where she lets her hand linger.
“I’m just worried about you, and want what’s best for you. I can’t imagine spending my life with anybody else. You know that.”
I swallow a sudden flash of warmth in my throat.
“I do. I feel the same way.”
“And… I think you should go back to get checked. You have been irresponsible with your recovery. In the beginning I thought it was a nasty enough crash in which you hit your head, and that was that, but you literally died for a few seconds. You could have ended up… the only way I can think of calling it is a vegetable. Forever lying in bed with barely any brain function. And having lost your memories is not something you should just brush off. I need you to be well.”
I grab her hand and squeeze it. She squeezes back. Her hand is warm, an even more pleasant sensation than usual in such a nice, quiet morning. I stare at the pale, freckled face and those hazel eyes of my beloved for a few seconds, as the birds chirp to each other.
“I’m fine, sweetie. But you are right, I’ll go to the hospital in Donostia and ask them to do some tests. I suppose they’ll agree that they are necessary. Whatever they want. I’ll call later.”
Alazne nods, then narrows her eyes with gratitude.
“Thank you. Tell me if you feel weird at any point, alright? I’m here for you.”
“I will also write in my will that if I die for whatever reason you’ll get to have this house and the money I hoard. And the stock portfolio, I guess. So you’ll be fine either way.”
If I had thought, before the words already left my mouth, about what reaction Alazne would have, I suppose I would have expected her to chuckle, and maybe hit my arm playfully, but she snaps her head back and her eyes get teary. She frowns.
“Don’t joke around like that,” she says. “I want you here, present, with me. It’s not about your things.”
I stare open-mouthed, and I can’t help but avert my eyes.
“I know, I was–“
“No, do not finish that sentence,” Alazne interrupts with a sharper tone in her voice. “If you die, everything will be awful, and I don’t want to think about it happening. You are not to die, ever.”
I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. She’s trembling.
“You kind of gave me an impossible task,” I say in a low voice. “I will always try not to die. For you, and for me. Because your happiness is my happiness, and your unhappiness would be unbearable. That’s the whole point of how I ended up being with you.”
When I pull away, she looks down as if embarrassed of herself.
“Don’t worry,” I say. “Besides, I’m your rock, remember? I’m the big, tough guy who can crush people’s heads like balloons. That’s the kind of man you need.”
I give a meek smile, and she looks up at me.
“No, you are not,” Alazne states.
A shiver runs through my spine. I feel a rush of panic. I fucked up, didn’t I? I’m quite sure that as I was preparing myself to admit this supposed memory loss, I had realized that Alazne needed, her tastes in men demanded, an invulnerable ravaging monster who would be able to keep her safe, and save her from having to doubt or make decisions if necessary. That had been the role I had played from the moment I met her. Back when I was a ghost I had the privileged opportunity of learning every little detail of Alazne’s masturbatory fantasies, and they rarely diverged from a tall, strong father figure who would treat the female actress like his little princess. A princess who needed to be held down and spanked from time to time. Even if she would deny those urges to her dying day, there’s no doubt that’s what she yearns for.
“You are not my rock,” she says. “Rock is a silly, weak thing to be. The world is made of rocks, but you are a mountain. Mountains do not move. Mountains last forever. You are my mountain, and I love you.”
This time I’m the one who blushes. I’d say that the world is also made of mountains, but I don’t intend to contradict my beloved.
“That’s… Thank you,” I say in a thin voice.
Alazne keeps staring at me while smiling. I wish I knew what she’s thinking. I had a closer relationship with her back when she couldn’t see me nor feel my presence, because I didn’t need to deal with the layer of acting, inevitable when you are interacting with another human being, even the person one loves the most. I fell in love with her when she believed nobody would care if she died.
Alazne lowers her head for a moment, and her smile falters.
“I’m not… sure if I acknowledged you as a human being to the extent that I know myself to be.”
“W-what do you mean?” I ask, taken aback.
Alazne sighs. She forces herself to hold my gaze.
“I needed someone to drag me out of my hole. I think I told you that. I dreamt of someone doing so, a man strong enough that he could handle how much of a disaster I am. You were that person, straight out of my daydreams. I suppose that I let myself go along with a delusion.”
“I will be that man for you anytime, sweetie.”
“No, you are not a figment of my imagination. You are a flesh-and-blood man who can get hurt and who has his own emotions which might not align with what would be convenient for that delusion. Do you get what I mean?”
I nod slowly.
“I understand. You are saying that now that you have found out a significant weakness of mine, that of having lost almost all of my life previous to my car accident, I’m not the strong man you needed.”
I sounded more bitter than I intended. I can’t blame Alazne for feeling that way. I suppose I’ll have to deal with her being less attracted to this body sexually because I’m partially broken, and Alazne may believe that I need to be taken care of. I suddenly feel miserable.
Alazne realizes that I’m hurt, and she scoots her chair closer to me so she can put her hand on my cheek.
“I know that as a man you need to feel strong to protect me. And you are, that’s not what I meant.”
I give her a knowing look.
“But that’s what you need. And I mean really need. Someone so strong and invulnerable that would make all the troubles in your life seem insignificant. Is that not the case?”
“Well… Fantasies are one thing, Asier.”
I’m getting annoyed. Maybe I’m learning a thing or two about masculine pride.
“I’m going to be real with you, Alazne, because I don’t believe we should talk around the issue. It’s just you and I, after all. Well… And Kateryna, of course, if she’s listening. My point is that I have been inside you. Any time I close my eyes I can recreate that moment in your previous home when you were kneeling on the mattress and sucking my cock, which you are amazing at, by the way, and when I called you a good girl you almost came.”
Alazne pulls her hand away from my cheek. She rests both hands on her knees while her eyes dart around as if thinking about my words. I wouldn’t know how to answer to what I said, to be fair.
“You want a man who would be strict with you, take you over his knee when you acted out,” I say. “Your insides have never squeezed me as tight as when I was overpowering you and pretending to be your daddy.”
She remains quiet for a while, as if deep in thought. I take a sip of my coffee. Alazne glances over at me, her eyes narrow and her cheeks red.
“Do you find me disgusting, then?” she asks in a vulnerable voice, as if fearing I would reject her.
“Not at all, Alazne. It makes me horny as hell.”
She sighs, then fidgets with the hem of her shirt.
“A-at the moment I was so… turned on that I didn’t think about what I was saying. If I had, I would have been terrified of you leaving me immediately. I have felt bad about having these needs, you know…”
I take her hand into mine, then lean in to press my lips against hers.
“Alazne, you’re perfect to me. And every fetish, even far more deranged than any of yours, is fine between two consenting adults, as far as I’m concerned. Last night I was more than ready to provide for my precious girl what she needs, but she didn’t want to. It’s fine not to want it, of course, but you have to understand: that very same afternoon I opened up about a big weakness of mine, and a few hours later you didn’t want to have sex with me. That made me seriously worried about how our relationship had changed.”
She moves her lips down to my palm, and gently puts a kiss on it.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it that way. It’s just that… It’s really hard for me to put in words. But last night was a lot for me.”
“What do you mean?”
She takes a deep breath, then gets closer to me.
“I thought I was already as close as I could be with you, but after we watched the movie and we made out, I just needed you to hold me in your arms so I could fall asleep. I had never felt as connected with another human being. And I have slept without a worry in the world.”
“That’s… really sweet of you to say. I feel like a bastard now for complaining that I wanted to have sex and you didn’t.”
She chuckles, then brings her lips to my ear.
“If you thought that our sex life would end, you were mistaken,” Alazne whispers. “Now that we can talk openly about all the dirty stuff we yearn for… We will take good care of each other.”
She breaks off the whisper and brings her lips to mine, kissing me sweetly.
I can’t tell how much time we spend kissing as the breeze brushes our hair and chills our skin. The sound of an engine turning on distracts me from Alazne’s tongue. We both look towards the asphalt below and get to see veiled human faces behind the windows of a minivan as it drives out of the gated community. Once it leaves, it turns in the direction of the city center, and eventually the unpleasant sound of the engine disappears under the singing of birds and the rustling of leaves.
“So we do have neighbors after all,” Alazne says, then takes a drink of her coffee. “Oops, it’s gone cold.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with this community of ours… But I’m glad you’re here with me.”
Alazne grins.
“Me too. It’s nice to share a quiet morning with someone after our previous long, exhausting day of labor.”
We both laugh. When we stop, Alazne stares at me fondly, as if she figures she can say something important to me.
“Listen, I want to do something out there, like with a group.”
“Oh? Like what? You mean like a part-time job?”
Alazne shivers.
“Goodness, no… Unless you ask me to contribute in that way, I don’t want to, to be honest. I meant like a course. Engaging with a group for a communal objective, you know? Learning new stuff, maybe…”
“What kind of group? What are you interested in learning?”
“I don’t know. Maybe something to do with… with…”
“Guitar classes, for example? That would help you improve for sure. Not that you need them, mind you.” I stroke my chin as I look at the sky. “But that’s not exactly communal…”
“No, I was thinking something like… You know, I told you to write your experiences. Something along those lines. A writing course in the city.”
Alazne, someone who when I met her could barely leave the house because her abysmal self-esteem and her anxiety threatened to suffocate her, now wants to meet new people and do activities with them. I feel proud. I want to squeeze her tight and let out embarrassing noises.
“That sounds wonderful,” I say while grinning. “What prompted this need, though?”
“Back when I was holed up at my depressing apartment, I couldn’t afford to turn my attention away from how I would earn enough money to pay my rent and utilities. Well, at the most I would lose myself in shows and manga so I could tolerate the overwhelming misery. I couldn’t justify to myself spending my energy and resources in other… frivolous pursuits.” She perks up. “But now I’m standing on such solid ground that I feel like I could do anything! Except that… there’s the issue of how to pay for it.”
I raise an eyebrow at her.
“Are you seriously going to pretend that money is an issue? Look around. We are the one percent.”
“Unless you have several millions, or dozens or hundreds of millions in the bank, I wouldn’t go that far… Hey, if you want me to do something for the money, that’s alright with me.”
I narrow my eyes at her and lower my head slightly.
“Then later I’ll have you naked and kneeling on the mattress. You’ll look up at me and plead. I may give you some money, if you have earned it.”
Alazne turns red and starts laughing delicately.
“Alright, I won’t tease you anymore.”
“Good,” I say while smiling. “I’ll give you the money because you are my girl and I love you, of course. But it’s not good for your dignity to keep asking me for money whenever you want to do something by yourself. Give me your account details when you want, and I’ll put an automatic monthly transfer. A few hundreds is probably enough.”
Alazne turns her head away from me instinctively, as if embarrassed, and wrings her hands over her lap. I wouldn’t be comfortable if I had to ask for money, even to the love of my life, so I avert my eyes to give her space. As I take the last gulp of my cold coffee, I realize that a group of bronze-colored cows is grazing in a nearby field. A calf is lolling on the grass while a nearby adult cow gazes up at us as if looking out for danger. The poor cow doesn’t know who she should fear.
Alazne sniffles, which startles me. Her parted lips are quivering, and tears keep streaming down her cheeks. She’s silent otherwise. I pull her into me so she can bury her face in my neck, and I caress the back of her hair.
“Is… this a good cry or a bad one?” I ask cautiously.
Alazne doesn’t say anything. Seconds later she pulls away, then she straightens her back and smiles softly. The morning sun makes her irises look as if they float right under the surface of a glass ball.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s